DP never gets home until 9pm. Am I in the wrong?

[PortUmber]

We have two children. I work part time 3 half days a week - I get up at 6am, leave house at 7am. He gets the children ready for school on those 3 days.

Last night, the DD was finishing homework (DD is 12). She was fine, I feel she tends to be reasonable with me because she know I won’t tolerate any histrionics. When he got home, she started to have a meltdown over an issue which I felt needed nipping in the bud. He went into
a massive monologue with her, not being particularly supportive, which was still going on 20 mins later - and I said several times : she needs to go to bed.

I eventually just interrupted, took her upstairs and told him to stay out of it. He was refusing and being a dickhead, following us upstairs.

I tried to bite my tongue, not say anything - but when he returned downstairs - I followed him and told him:

1. I’m pissed of because he never gets home before 9pm - he has two children, and I bet none of his other colleagues with children work til 9pm every night.

2. His dinner is always there when he gets home, never any ‘thanks’ and his plate is generally left out.

3. Massive monologues don’t help - she just needs to go to bed.

4. He never sees DS in the evening, never initiated a bath time in DS’s whole 4 years of life. DS refuses to be put to bed by him, or even go to the toilet with him (DS has ASD) - unaware of his school needs/appointments etc

5. His clock watching is absolutely terrible - always late for things, never proactive, doesn’t know which day bins go out, always relying on me to organise things.

He does WFH on a Friday, so around in the evening then.

Any thoughts? He winds me up SO much. I tend to avoid being in the same room as him. Upstairs is my place away from him.

Seems he's avoiding the hum drum of family life and leaving it all on you. Time to have a word that work isn't everything and it will still be there in the morning.

The 9pm home time is work or fun?

@MrsTerryPratchett

He is working. There is no question there. But there is no attempt to organise or come home at a reasonable time - there never has been. He just works until the office closes. He’s the same at home. Any task, time plays no factor in the equation. If a task is ever even started. He tends to wait for me to instigate what needs doing.

@Northernsouloldies
I have tried that talk countless times, especially when DD was little. I gave up.

I say this with complete compassion for your frustrations but could your husband be neurodivergent. Some of the things you mention would match that profile and perhaps if that is understood he can have better scaffolds in place and you will feel less irked by his behaviour. Of course that could not be at play here but wanted to mention it in case you have not considered it. Hope I don't upset you.

The expectation is that it does fall to me, which I accept to an extent because I work part time. But is 9pm home normal?
I now just feel constantly wound up by him - and not wanting to be in the same room. So - even if he was here in the evening, I’m not sure that would be better either.

No. 9pm is not normal in a regular office job 9-6 is normal. Doesn't sound very sustainable to me. Is he a CEO at a very high stakes company?!?

@livinginhope87

Yes, I think that’s a very good point. He works in a very precise, technical industry. He gets into one thought process, and everything else goes out the window.

DS has ASD and I see similarities.

But - he can get the children up and out the house I’m the morning when I’m not there. He can remember when Grand Prix is on, or timings of football etc.

“It didn’t occur to me” - is a tag line of his…

I think he sometimes gets in just after 9pm if he drops DS off, which would allow say - 7pm the other side, home by 7.30pm. That would make all the difference to me!

But it won’t happen, and now I’m just so pissed off that I don’t want him around anyway.

Sorry - gets into work just after 9am that should read…

The 9pm thing - yes an issue, I am like him and if I have one idea or focusing on one task I HAVE to get it done and it is to my own detriment at times. Maybe a timer on his phone for 6/7pm to stop working?

The thing with your DD I think it different parenting styles and is separate to him coming home late 🤷‍♀️

@ChairFloorWall

I have tried calling him to tell him
to come home. Which sort of worked. But with - bloody everything - I feel like a nanny or nagging.

He CAN get home if there is something on the tele. Why doesn’t seeing his children in the evening have the same importance or prioritisation?

I’m still pissed off, and I just want to avoid him today, unless I have to speak to
him.

Yep the parenting styles was different too, but how the hell does a massive monologue help when she just needs to go
to bed?? She was getting more and more wound up - and so was I!! He doesn’t observe a sensible bedtime - for her, or for himself. He usually wakes me up at about 1/2am coming to bed.

What is it with the whole time issue???

I've known guys to do overtime rather than go home and half of that time was spent standing around talking.

Tell us what’s good about him and your marriage, why you stay together.

At risk of sounding harsh, he’s choosing to work that late and by doing so, he is choosing to avoid you and your children. Sure he says he’s working, and he’s at his workplace, but that is what it comes down to.
equally, you sound like you try to avoid him too. Not exactly a happy marriage.
Even if it was to change, and he was to suddenly accept his home responsibility, would that change the way you feel about him?

I think you were unreasonable to use that time to have a go at him.
He's working til 9 not partying. He does the morning routine 3 mornings a week. There isn't anything magical about it being in the evening, he was doing his parenting bit. It's normal to take more of a bruden when you are the one working less.
I'm sure he has a mental list of all the little annoying things you do, too.

If you separated he will see the children even less, you will be doing even more and you will be poorer. Appreciate what you have and be realistic about your expectations. You catch more flies with honey and all that

I'm afraid that I had exactly the same thing. Never did a bath time, never read a story, dud a bedtime. I did all of the mental load, and physical load, for 25 years, including 19 years with children. The rants and monologues are the same too.

It nearly broke me, and I am now getting divorced, after a lot of counselling.

Stbxh would say he has adhd, which I am certain he has, but he is also stunningly abusive.

Of course it is not acceptable, but talking to him is simply not going to work.

Sounds like you're so ground down by his behaviour, you've spoken to him about it before and nothing has happened, that now it's eroded all respect and love you had for him. So even if he did suddenly start to come home and spend time with his family, he'd have a mountain to climb to build all that up with you. Can you see that happening?

That's not necessarily so at all. Having read other threads about men who avoid their own families, I suspect that he will do more as a separated parent. He will have to.

What does he do at other times op? Mornings? Weekends?

If you were to split he could very easily say he’s not doing the 3 mornings any more, then you’re not doing that job.
If there’s any chance you could split in the future I’d be looking for a job where you can do the kids and work. So you can be independent.

My Dad used to get home at 9/10 at night,he also used to work until midnight some nights.

My Dad had a job that involved working on projects and making sure they completed on time, he used to work with people all over the world so would quite often have to have conference calls with people in India and the States.
Without knowing what your husband does we can't tell you if he's avoiding something or not and I think it's slightly unfair to use his working as a stick to beat him with.

From what the op said he is choosing to work. At least to some extent. Why does he get brownie points for that?

We could all work long hours to avoid home responsibilities, but don't because someone has to be there to love and take care of the children and home.

Op says she's going to avoid him today. Isn't silent treatment abusive???
When he is home you're so annoyed at him, no wonder if he has the choice to work he would at least he is making money rather than sit in an unpleasant home atmosphere.
If it were a wife working til 9pm and her husband doing 3 mornings a week the replies would be so different.
I just think take a really good hard look at yourself and what you bring to the table and how you treat him before you bash him. Remember folks, we do not have the story from the other side.

Not speaking isn’t always’the silent ‘treatment’, sometimes it’s shutting down for self preservation.