DP never gets home until 9pm. Am I in the wrong?

[PortUmber]

We have two children. I work part time 3 half days a week - I get up at 6am, leave house at 7am. He gets the children ready for school on those 3 days.

Last night, the DD was finishing homework (DD is 12). She was fine, I feel she tends to be reasonable with me because she know I won’t tolerate any histrionics. When he got home, she started to have a meltdown over an issue which I felt needed nipping in the bud. He went into
a massive monologue with her, not being particularly supportive, which was still going on 20 mins later - and I said several times : she needs to go to bed.

I eventually just interrupted, took her upstairs and told him to stay out of it. He was refusing and being a dickhead, following us upstairs.

I tried to bite my tongue, not say anything - but when he returned downstairs - I followed him and told him:

1. I’m pissed of because he never gets home before 9pm - he has two children, and I bet none of his other colleagues with children work til 9pm every night.

2. His dinner is always there when he gets home, never any ‘thanks’ and his plate is generally left out.

3. Massive monologues don’t help - she just needs to go to bed.

4. He never sees DS in the evening, never initiated a bath time in DS’s whole 4 years of life. DS refuses to be put to bed by him, or even go to the toilet with him (DS has ASD) - unaware of his school needs/appointments etc

5. His clock watching is absolutely terrible - always late for things, never proactive, doesn’t know which day bins go out, always relying on me to organise things.

He does WFH on a Friday, so around in the evening then.

Any thoughts? He winds me up SO much. I tend to avoid being in the same room as him. Upstairs is my place away from him.

Congratulations!

You have a lodger. You should charge him for room and board.

He’s a workaholic- he’s avoiding family life and family choices. He’s opting out - not healthy - why did he want children if he doesn’t want to parent them.
what was his childhood like?

It sounds like marriage’s dashboard has red and amber lights flashing all over it.

Take proactive action now to repair things I’d suggest, wider than the home time issue.

TBH, I used to work like that before I had a child - my partner and I lived apart - I got a lot done in evening hours and found it peaceful. But I’m probably neurodivergent.

it sounds like you are both unhappy - if he won’t consider counselling, then you may have to decide whether you stay or go. But I would really try and get him to
marriage counselling and try and work it out first.

DH sometimes works horrible hours (finishing up at 1am, overseas calls etc). He comes home does family stuff and then once DC are in bed he opens the laptop up and carries on working. I’m not convinced anyone has to sit in the office until 9pm. He tries to take conference calls from home if they are after 6pm so he can pitch in as soon as he’s done. Sometimes it’s not possible.

And don't let him overrule you.

If you want the pushchair, take the pushchair!