DP never gets home until 9pm. Am I in the wrong?

[PortUmber]

We have two children. I work part time 3 half days a week - I get up at 6am, leave house at 7am. He gets the children ready for school on those 3 days.

Last night, the DD was finishing homework (DD is 12). She was fine, I feel she tends to be reasonable with me because she know I won’t tolerate any histrionics. When he got home, she started to have a meltdown over an issue which I felt needed nipping in the bud. He went into
a massive monologue with her, not being particularly supportive, which was still going on 20 mins later - and I said several times : she needs to go to bed.

I eventually just interrupted, took her upstairs and told him to stay out of it. He was refusing and being a dickhead, following us upstairs.

I tried to bite my tongue, not say anything - but when he returned downstairs - I followed him and told him:

1. I’m pissed of because he never gets home before 9pm - he has two children, and I bet none of his other colleagues with children work til 9pm every night.

2. His dinner is always there when he gets home, never any ‘thanks’ and his plate is generally left out.

3. Massive monologues don’t help - she just needs to go to bed.

4. He never sees DS in the evening, never initiated a bath time in DS’s whole 4 years of life. DS refuses to be put to bed by him, or even go to the toilet with him (DS has ASD) - unaware of his school needs/appointments etc

5. His clock watching is absolutely terrible - always late for things, never proactive, doesn’t know which day bins go out, always relying on me to organise things.

He does WFH on a Friday, so around in the evening then.

Any thoughts? He winds me up SO much. I tend to avoid being in the same room as him. Upstairs is my place away from him.

What happens in the weekends? If he works til 9pm fair enough (not really, but at least he is working), can he pick up the other two days, so then he does 5 mornings and you do 5 evenings? Doesn't really sound like much of a life, but at least it might feel "fairer"

How about trying having dinner at a set early time for the whole family just one of those work nights.

Your husband can come home early and help out with dinner and bedtime and see how that goes. Take baby steps.

He obviously expects you to rule the roost so to make household decisions so it must have been annoying and surprising when he changed tack and handled the situation with your daughter. Do you think he would get better at those confrontations with the kids if he had more practise at those very situations?

It will take him a while to be as on the ball as you.

This! I work with men like this and it is so annoying. They don't make good use of their time and make shitty comments when I leave at 5. They spend a lot of time gassing about football. No woman wants a job in our department because it's perceived as being a very long hours department and I know it doesn't need to be.

Fake overtime pisses me off.

Well seeing as he comes home if the football is on, I doubt very much that’s the case.

This is one of those patterns that has built up over time and become entrenched: he doesn’t know how to parent well, knows he’s making a mess of it, knows you are critical of his parenting, so is opting out.

This is fixable, but you both have to be willing to try. You need relationship or family counselling and you will both need to work hard to make changes.

Ah yes.
The whole ‘he is working therefore he can chose to do whatever he wants even including opting out if parenting’ trope….

Silent treatment is refusing to answer question and ignoring the person.

Avoiding someone is simply not being in the same room as then. Not ignoring them or refusing to talk to them when they engage the conversation.
it’s more like not coming back home until late in the evening … regardless of tte ‘good’ reason why you do so.

So if he is working so late, some nights he could come home early.

Why not Tuesday and Thursday he comes home early and cooks dinner and gets the kids to bed.

Monday, Wednesday Thursday he works late.

Or a variation of such to fit in with your working days.

TBH I would go back to work FT and the make the HW and Childcare 50/50

You said you do your best to avoid him. No wonder he prefers to stay at work.

Vicious circle

You've got yourselves into a very bad cycle here that is probably only going to get worse unless things get better.

For start, his selfishness needs to eb addressed. A proper sit down conversation - be home at least once a week by 7:30 to have dinner together. What tasks should both of you be doing etc.

The poor parenting is a different issue. We had similar with DH in that he doesn't pay attention to bed times and would happily engage in these long chats with DS at bed time where DS would be getting to have this conversations getting more and more wound up and upset and DH would see that as a reason to continue to talking to him when actually, it needed to be stopped. It took us a LONG time to get to the point where we were on the same page on that and that was with a DH who was at least willing to listen to me so I don't have any good advice on that front, sorry. But perhaps if he was home more, he could have these conversations before it's too late at night.

Thank you for your responses - I appreciate them all. @AiryFairy12 - I do want to hear that view, because I’m not sure if I’m being very unfair.

Its not a job that requires communications abroad. He does have deadlines - but, because I know him - it’s more to do with lack of organisation, not prioritising, spending a long time perfecting one task while the other 10 crumble. But however nicely I’ve pointed it out, or tried to reason - he doesn’t accept or listen. There is an arrogance, I belief that he is ‘right’ or doesn’t need to change.

Even this morning, I was in a rush to get out. I had to stop car midway because I realised the bins were not out. I phoned and phoned. No answer. Eventually got the message him via phoning my daughter. It’s just bloody ridiculous because he’s constantly glued to his phone - until I urgently need to contact. It’s always like this : and I feel panicked, naggy, stressed - because I know of I don’t do it - it won’t get done.

Weekends : he never knows what’s happening, DC’s activities are the same time each week - but default would be to just stay in bed or it would be the tag line again of ‘it didn’t occur to me’. I’m always stressing about getting out for any social engagements. He’s never ready, and doesn’t pay attention to time. He does quite like cooking - but meals are often to his personal liking only, and every pot and pan is used in the kitchen which I then have to clean up.

A recent day out (which was to somewhere DS would find particularly engaging) I suggested we took the push chair so that I wasn’t constantly trying to entertain/run after DS. He said no. So the day out was spent with DP looking in great detail at every exhibit - while I had no time to do anything of my choice as DS needed lots of looking after.

And that’s probably partly why I feel resentful about his work. It is what he ‘wants’ to do, and my identity is the children and what fits around them.

Sorry - DS wouldn’t find engaging that should read….

Lots of people work very long hours if they want to progress in their careers

This is who he is and such men are unlikely to at all change. He has this set up how he wants it.

You're going to have to decide whether this behaviour from him is worth you being in a relationship with him. Would you want your DC to be in such a relationship is adults, no you would not and you would want better for them.

I don’t understand why you sound so flustered and overwhelmed (are you also ND?) - you are practically a SAHM with so much free time to run the household.

Let your husband work until 9pm - just plan Friday evenings and weekends for proper family time.

And if I were you, the 12yo will be upstairs from 8pm. Then you’ll have a nice hour of silence and relaxation.

Was he keen on having your youngest, OP? I'm wondering if he's actually got some resentment going on, like "Well she got what she wanted so she can sort it all out"?

It does all sound really stressful for everyone involved and clearly things need to change otherwise you will definitely have to split. Would he be open to counselling? If you pitch it as "to help us get back to the loving partnership we used to have, and that we both miss"?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation except that by coming back home at 9.00pm he never sees his dcs during the week. He isn’t involved, never puts the youngest to bed etc….
Same with the weekend when he just isn’t involved with his own dcs.

It’s not an issue with ‘you have plenty of time whereas this poor guy works his arse off’. It’s an issue with him being a very poor father who is doing fuck all with his dcs.

@PortUmber your latest post makes me think he wants things his way all the time. And has no regards for you as a person. You’re just the nanny who will have to deal with dc because it’s her job…..

Some fathers stay late at work to avoid having to do anything for their kids. Getting home after the kids have been put to bed and saying sorry wife, had to finish something and couldn’t get away, is very popular. I’ve known men admit it.

Unfortunately he seems to be one of those men who wanted kids but doesn’t want any of the work involved in parenting. He wants the freedom of a single childless man. I think you’ve already recognised this yourself. Your son doesn’t even seem to see him as a father - he’s probably perceptive and can feel your husband’s lack of interest in him, poor kid.

If you remind / ask / nag him, he finds ways to avoid doing any of it. So you either accept that the 3 mornings is his only contribution, or you go further with counselling or consider ending the marriage.

Meanwhile, if he gets home at 9pm when it was his choice to stay late (not an emergency), he’s missed dinner and can get his own. Not even saying thank you and leaving his plate for you to deal with is very rude. The pushchair stunt was ridiculous. Why would someone object to taking the pushchair? No wonder you avoid him, he really isn’t a nice partner and it really seems that he likes watching you run around after everyone while he rules the roost.

He has opted out of parenting. It's up to you if you want to continue to parent alone. He needs a real kick up the backside or he is going to have kids who will have nothing to do with him. Time for a serious talk. Make him see your marriage is in real trouble. The 9pm home time is ridiculous. He shapes up or ships out.

I am a lawyer. I noted very early in my career that men would often pack up to go home at 8.30. Even before i had children it was obvious that this was to avoid family life. Its self perpetuating though as your workload increases to accomodate your "standard" hours. Same lawyers are now mainly getting divorced now that kids school fees are out of the way. Its an unacceptable way to behave and since covid totally unnecessary.

I hope he earns well OP otherwise you really have got a rough deal.

He values work more than you and his children.

He doesn't see his children as his responsibility.

He only sees them as being he should be able to control by his values and on his terms when he can be bothered. Otherwise parenting isn't something he's interested in. It's about power and hierarchy in the family.

This isn't a marriage which is a partnership.

You may as well live separately and get child maintenance. It wouldn't be much different.

If he wants to participate in family life he needs to do it on the terms of the whole family. Otherwise what's the fucking point?

It's not sending a good message to your kids that they are this unimportant.

Why do you put up with it?

Silent treatment is about control. If he's silent you can't have a conversation about it to voice your feelings and grievances. This change can not happen. It's a way of enforcing the status quo and by saying he will not engage because he doesn't value the argument. He is giving the choice to either put up and shut up or end the relationship.