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Original poster

Relationship going downhill since baby - does it get better?

58 replies

xFTM2022x · 19/04/2023 21:30

Had my DD 8 months ago, absolute light of my life and I adore being a mum. My DP on the other hand hasn’t adapted to family life as well. He loves her so much but has slowly backed off from doing housework and tbh I do 95% of DDs care. He admitted to me a few months ago he isn’t enjoying family life, I think this made me resent him a bit. He ‘wants me back’, feels like I’m neglecting him etc. I’m trying my best, I really am trying. My libido is crap these days, I suffered a 3rd degree tear in birth so recovery was rough and I still get pain/strange sensations etc down there. We still do ‘bits’ just not as often as we did pre DD. He had a close family member pass away recently, it’s been really tough but especially on him. I’ve been as supportive as I can and we’ve spent a lot of time with family etc. He goes to the gym 4 nights a week and on his days off if he ever wants to do anything, I’m always supportive, yet I can’t even nip out for an hour because DD won’t settle for him. He feels I’m just a nag and always have to pick faults when we’re on a good run. I guess I do but sometimes I just feel resentful that the housework and baby jobs land on me, yet if I bring it up he just tells me the stress he has of paying the house bills - I’ve just gone back to work part time and do contribute a couple of hundred. I just can’t bare the bickering and atmosphere. I so desperately do not want to break up. I want my DD to have a whole family with siblings (you guessed it, I didn’t have that). I guess I just want to hear about other peoples similar experiences. I heard the first year was tough but jeeees.

OP posts:
Glitterstars · 19/04/2023 21:45

1st year if first baby is so hard on relationships. We were together 15 years before we had our first and never had any rough patchs before she was born but was awful. Mainly cos I was a nightmare to live with I always say I don’t know how he stayed with me but we got through it and now had a second baby. It will get easier but he needs to step up a bit and realise that life is different now but to embrace it

Original poster
xFTM2022x · 19/04/2023 21:51

Glitterstars · 19/04/2023 21:45

1st year if first baby is so hard on relationships. We were together 15 years before we had our first and never had any rough patchs before she was born but was awful. Mainly cos I was a nightmare to live with I always say I don’t know how he stayed with me but we got through it and now had a second baby. It will get easier but he needs to step up a bit and realise that life is different now but to embrace it

Good to hear you got through it! It's so much tougher than I imagined.

I know that if I just put up and shut up and ran the house, did all the childcare, managed the bills, home repairs etc by myself and let him do his thing then we'd be okay. But I can't!!

OP posts:
Glitterstars · 19/04/2023 22:06

No definitely not, my situation is a bit different my husband couldn’t have done more I was just in a bad place with new baby stress and that was the root of our problems and tiredness obviously ha . But we argued more than we ever had done. Your fella needs to pull is weight more 100%

Original poster
xFTM2022x · 19/04/2023 22:08

Yeah you’re right. I’ve tried to get it through to him but he just doesn’t act on it. He thinks he does his fair share because he washes up..he’ll do ‘some’ of the pots and leave the ones he doesnt want to do..really…he came to live with me from his mums and she did everything for everyone

OP posts:
jamsandwich1 · 19/04/2023 22:10

Why on earth should you just put up and shut up? Don’t feel like this is all on you. You sound like you’re being a lot nicer than I was! Babies and small children put an enormous strain on things. It does get easier, I promise.

Whydoievenbother · 19/04/2023 22:15

I'd start telling him to step up asap as the resentment will just grow. I basically handled it "on my own" for a year, since then we've had some pretty serious discussions and he's stepped up massively, but the resentment now is huge and really hard to get over. I'm so exhausted, and quite honestly not sure we'll make it until the end of the year. I wish I had said something sooner, as putting up with it for so long has really changed my opinion of him.

Original poster
xFTM2022x · 19/04/2023 22:18

It’s definitely changed my opinion of him. I really didn’t see this coming. He’s always been the sweetest most caring man. The type to send flowers and book suprise trips, really affectionate. Perfect. Until we had a baby and shit got real. Think we need to have a serious conversation, I have tried but somehow I always come off as being unfair

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 19/04/2023 22:21

It got lots easier for us. I went full 'mummy mode' and couldn't be arsed to do wife mode. Have to say DH didn't withdraw from family life, but it was a pretty difficult time.
In our case, there is no doubt it was well worth clinging on to our marriage.

Bubbleteaaaaa · 19/04/2023 22:21

There's very little that can impact a relationship in the way a baby can.

Few bits of advice:

Don't be the expert on the baby. Let him do stuff, let him figure it, let him find his own way. Don't step in.

Make your relationship as much of a priority as your parental one. There's nothing better for your child than having happy parents.

Diffuse the who did what arguments. Don't be walkover as that will fester but don't make it a battle. You work too. He is a parent too.

Robin233 · 20/04/2023 06:45

What@Bubbleteaaaaa said
Our relationship did not survive
Looking back I could have done things so differently

ChrisTrepidation · 20/04/2023 07:24

Unfortunately you have a selfish post baby man of the common or garden variety.

Men who tell new mothers that they want the "old them" back make me want to burn things with fury.

He doesn't enjoy family life because babies are (shock) hard work and he's not number one in your priority list. Therefore he is checking out and leaving it all to you. He knows you will always put your baby first so he doesn't have to worry about doing so.

My ex husband was the same when our twins came along. Then he left when they were 15 months old because it was "too hard"

We are better off without him. You would probably be better off as well.

ChrisTrepidation · 20/04/2023 07:26

@xFTM2022x My ex was also adorable and sweet until the babies came along.

Having a child shows a person for who they really are. In my husbands case it showed him up to be a selfish twat.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 20/04/2023 07:28

Bubbleteaaaaa · 19/04/2023 22:21

There's very little that can impact a relationship in the way a baby can.

Few bits of advice:

Don't be the expert on the baby. Let him do stuff, let him figure it, let him find his own way. Don't step in.

Make your relationship as much of a priority as your parental one. There's nothing better for your child than having happy parents.

Diffuse the who did what arguments. Don't be walkover as that will fester but don't make it a battle. You work too. He is a parent too.

This is good advice, also remember it's not a race to the bottom. Often arguments end up being about how is more tired, more busy etc.

Original poster
xFTM2022x · 20/04/2023 07:31

This mornings just been more arguments and tears. He tells me how he feels, I tell him how I feel but then apparently I'm making it a competition. We were so close to breaking up last night and if it wasn't for DD, we definitely would have

OP posts:
Robin233 · 20/04/2023 08:10

Sounds like you're both exhausted
Don't underestimate the effect this can have on you.
Arguing can come out of thin air when you're tired.
You need to take a breathe.
Tried to get more sleep (easier said than done ) and then come back to the table and try and work out a plan going forward.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2023 08:16

The irony of it is, if he did more with dd you'd have more time for him, and yourself. So he needs to look at his actions as a contributing factor to how hard life is at the moment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2023 08:16

I really feel for you. He’s letting you and your baby down, you can’t have a meaningful relationship doing 10% of a baby’s care. He sounds lazy, selfish and hugely disappointing. It sounds like he needs a short sharp shock about the impact of his behaviour but you then risk him bailing all together. Though he’s not currently doing much to make your life better than it would be without him, and you wouldn’t be feeling so constantly let down.

It doesn’t have to be like this, plenty of men embrace the changes a baby brings.

Xrays · 20/04/2023 08:20

Aw poor lamb feeling neglected 🙄🙄

He sounds about 12. It’s time for him to grow up and you need to stop feeling sorry for him. If you’ve had a difficult birth and a baby then it’s normal not to want sex for a while, he should understand that.

user1492757084 · 20/04/2023 08:33

Make some positive changes.
Focus on destressing and happy vibes.
Can you all go for a walk at a different park every weekend?
Can you change how and what you cook to simplify the pots and dishes for washing up?
Can you pass DD to DH when she is in her best mood for a while until she likes him.
Keep the house less clean and tidy and don't fret.
Out source the laundry.
Ask DH his favourite chore and have him organise that - be happy with standard and result.
Get a babysitter once a fortnight for a date night.
Ask friends over.
Brain storm about what improvements you can make to levels of satisfaction.
Would your DH like to take DD to a swimming class?
You are all responsible for your own happiness so you need to dwell on blocking out negativity - no shouting, no insults.
Listen to classical or 70s music in the kitchen etc.
It takes lateral thinking, humour and practising respect to make a happy home.

BeesNeez · 20/04/2023 08:40

Get a cleaner, go to the gym with a creche for your baby or work out at home.
This is the reality of having children. You need to find ways to cope better.
Relationships often get worse after children but you can turn things around if you stop having a go at him, appreciate the good things you have and get on with it.
Can you bring as much money as him and have him stay at home? If not then you need to accept your role in this partnership. These are all things you should have considered BEFORE the baby.
With your tear if something hasn't healed properly seek medical help.
You have to work at your relationship, having a baby is relentless. You need your husband on your side don't push him away by nagging and complaining so much and be realistic about life. The lies some MNers tell you and their impossibly low threshold of LTB is not real life.
You need to find ways to cope better with motherhood, because this is how it is unless you are so rich you can afford nannies and housekeepers etc.

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:43

God I can’t stand these fucking childish men who think their lives should get easier after a baby comes along 🙄

Could some couples therapy help do you think? It would give a platform for each of you to be heard. Also, I think you should consider going back to work full time seeing as you aren’t married and hes being a selfish immature prick.

BeesNeez · 20/04/2023 08:49

You say DD won't settle for him, but it doesn't sound like you're giving them the chance.
Why are you punishing him and resenting for having a baby and doing more housework when literally it was your choice to have a baby and thanks to his income you can do part time which means you have more time to do housework than him? Why are you resenting him going to keep his health and body fit in the gym? You can work out too if you wanted to. I think this is resenting your role as a female and mother. You literally chose this life. Get on with it. If you push him away too much you will find all the burdens you currently have plus you'll be poorer. You need to make more effort with your husband and take ownership that this is what you chose in life.

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:49

BeesNeez · 20/04/2023 08:40

Get a cleaner, go to the gym with a creche for your baby or work out at home.
This is the reality of having children. You need to find ways to cope better.
Relationships often get worse after children but you can turn things around if you stop having a go at him, appreciate the good things you have and get on with it.
Can you bring as much money as him and have him stay at home? If not then you need to accept your role in this partnership. These are all things you should have considered BEFORE the baby.
With your tear if something hasn't healed properly seek medical help.
You have to work at your relationship, having a baby is relentless. You need your husband on your side don't push him away by nagging and complaining so much and be realistic about life. The lies some MNers tell you and their impossibly low threshold of LTB is not real life.
You need to find ways to cope better with motherhood, because this is how it is unless you are so rich you can afford nannies and housekeepers etc.

Yeah just be a good little doormat OP, do everything around the house, all the childcare, work part time, get in better shape and service his dick regularly otherwise the child king might leave 🥺

Fucking hell 🙄

namechange3394 · 20/04/2023 08:50

BeesNeez · 20/04/2023 08:40

Get a cleaner, go to the gym with a creche for your baby or work out at home.
This is the reality of having children. You need to find ways to cope better.
Relationships often get worse after children but you can turn things around if you stop having a go at him, appreciate the good things you have and get on with it.
Can you bring as much money as him and have him stay at home? If not then you need to accept your role in this partnership. These are all things you should have considered BEFORE the baby.
With your tear if something hasn't healed properly seek medical help.
You have to work at your relationship, having a baby is relentless. You need your husband on your side don't push him away by nagging and complaining so much and be realistic about life. The lies some MNers tell you and their impossibly low threshold of LTB is not real life.
You need to find ways to cope better with motherhood, because this is how it is unless you are so rich you can afford nannies and housekeepers etc.

Why is she doing all the work here? What about her husband's responsibility to work at their relationship?

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:53

namechange3394 · 20/04/2023 08:50

Why is she doing all the work here? What about her husband's responsibility to work at their relationship?

Show quote history

None apparently, his life should be easier than a single childless man’s now, he should just have to work, that’s it and the house skivvy should do EVERYTHING else without complaint.