Relationship going downhill since baby - does it get better?

[xFTM2022x]

Had my DD 8 months ago, absolute light of my life and I adore being a mum. My DP on the other hand hasn’t adapted to family life as well. He loves her so much but has slowly backed off from doing housework and tbh I do 95% of DDs care. He admitted to me a few months ago he isn’t enjoying family life, I think this made me resent him a bit. He ‘wants me back’, feels like I’m neglecting him etc. I’m trying my best, I really am trying. My libido is crap these days, I suffered a 3rd degree tear in birth so recovery was rough and I still get pain/strange sensations etc down there. We still do ‘bits’ just not as often as we did pre DD. He had a close family member pass away recently, it’s been really tough but especially on him. I’ve been as supportive as I can and we’ve spent a lot of time with family etc. He goes to the gym 4 nights a week and on his days off if he ever wants to do anything, I’m always supportive, yet I can’t even nip out for an hour because DD won’t settle for him. He feels I’m just a nag and always have to pick faults when we’re on a good run. I guess I do but sometimes I just feel resentful that the housework and baby jobs land on me, yet if I bring it up he just tells me the stress he has of paying the house bills - I’ve just gone back to work part time and do contribute a couple of hundred. I just can’t bare the bickering and atmosphere. I so desperately do not want to break up. I want my DD to have a whole family with siblings (you guessed it, I didn’t have that). I guess I just want to hear about other peoples similar experiences. I heard the first year was tough but jeeees.

@Naunet Disagreeable, argumentative, tit for tat doesn't work for relationships. There are universal truths about men and women and relationships, both must compromise and take on different roles to make it work. Comments encouraging her to be pig-headed and fuelling her sense of injustice ruin families. She needs practical solutions and to adjust her expectations rather than adding fuel to fire. We're so marvellous at putting ourselves in op's shoes as most of us here are mothers but what about things from the husband's point of view? Coming home to a stressed out, resentful wife who rejects you sexually, always complaining is not fun. He's working full time, gym is a destressor for him and keeps him healthy so he can be a better dad and husband, he tries to do chores but he is criticised as they never seem to meet her standards when she knew full well he came from his mum's home but now it's all his fault and she is the innocent angel? Change the narrative: you're not the poor wife, you're the woman who chose this man to have a baby with him who is choosing to work part time. All choices have pros and cons.

😵are we living in the era of surrendered wives now!? Appalling post

I had a ex like this. He was also lovely seeet and caring pre baby. He left when Dd was 17 months old. Then did it again to someone else.

So you think it’s a woman’s job to be a submissive meek doormat?! Get to fuck. Men acting like this also destroys relationships, are you aware of that?
Why do you think his life should now be easier than a childless single man? Why shouldn’t he have to be an equal parent? Why is OP not allowed to be fecked off with him treating her like a skivvy? What compromise should he be making?

Just to add to the ridiculous idea that you should be a happy doormat OP - men do not respect women who do this, no one does. And if you don’t respect someone, you cannot truly love them.
Please ignore the handmaids guide above.

Thanks but 1. I cope perfectly fine with my role as mum thank you and I have a happy baby, she never goes without 2. The house is mine, bought before I met him so yes I could afford this house 3. I can't afford a cleaner 4. I don't have a gym near me with a creche, I've looked. 5. I have sought medical help, they said I'm fine

The rampant misogyny in some of these replies is really disappointing.

It seems like you would benefit from doing some work together on communication techniques. Have you considered counselling? At the moment you have a relationship where he gets to tell you how he feels but when you do the same you get shut down and unless you can both do something to change that, your relationship is only going one way. A neutral third party seems to be your best shot of success from what you've said here.

Sorry, I know you're just responding to my OP and it's just your opinion. But what happened to women supporting women. Your comments are rude. Pig-headed? Rude. He doesn't come home to a stressed out resentful woman everyday. I've put so much effort into our relationship. We have two trips coming up that I've planned and paid for myself as a surprise for him so we can have some much needed family time. How dare you go on as if I'm not trying to make my family work. How dare you. And to criticise a first time mum so heavily when she's clearly struggling and reached out for support. My god I hope you don't have daughters. And as for choosing to go part time, we decided that together. I would have gone back full time if it was what was best for our family. DP doesn't want DD in nursery, we're not better off financially if she's in nursery and we're fortunate enough to have 3/4 days of childcare with grandparents. Please think about your comments before you post such harsh things on people's threads.

Thanks so much for your replies, seriously. I'll genuinely take so many of these things into account and put them into practise. I'm definitely going to look into some couples counselling.

Ignore @BeesNeez - the 1950s need her back and she needs to be putting a ribbon in her hair and pouring H a nice G&T after a hard day hoovering. That's if she is a she.

You sound lovely @xFTM2022x . I wish I knew you to give you a big hug. All I can say is some men make great boyfriends and husbands 'without' kids. They like the attention and focus to be on you as a couple, often quite intensively to the exclusion of others. They often unfortunately make lousy dads and husbands 'with' kids because they simply don't like family life - they find it restricting and not fun and to be frank they rarely like housework either. He needs to step up to the plate- if he put more effort in with baby and housework , you might actually feel a bit kindlier to him - although if you are only working part time I think you will find the housework is kind of the trade off - but not 100%. The baby , no, that shouldn't all be you- you do need to talk and he needs to be aware that he risks the lot by being disinterested and lazy at home.

I feel really sorry for @BeesNeez actually if they have such low expectations and self worth.

OP - would you consider couple's counselling at all? Not because you're doing anything wrong, but a neutral third party might help with communication between the two of you?

Rightly or wrongly I think a lot of men become better dads when babies hit about 18m and they become more interactive and like little people they can play with so you might find somethings improve naturally with time.

What do you mean she won't settle for him?
She is going to grandparents a few days a week for childcare but can't be with her own father? Presumably she is okay with the GP's and not unsettled all day?
This sounds a bit odd. At home does he play with her much? Are you able to step back a bit ? Maybe just pop out while they are busy playing so she doesn't notice?
He definitely needs to work on his relationship with her if this is the case.
I do think you need to have a conversation about him stepping up a bit and doing some more housework now you are working. I have always earned more than my DH and still do housework and childcare. Paying the bills isn't a reason to do nothing else. Some of these replies are straight out of the 1950's.

I know, he panics too much when she cries. I think the newborn days really f'd with him. You're right I need to step back and leave him 'in charge' more. He started doing the morning routine of getting her up, fed, dressed. I think it's a confidence thing with him

OP, the reality is no, it won't get better, not any time in the foreseeable future, there may be a slight improvement when your child starts school and is a bit more independent.

You will then have a brief (very brief) respite from about 5 years to around 10/11, these are your "golden years" as regards being a parent. Your kid is able to do most things for themselves, will generally obey you and can be quite interesting to talk to.

From 11/12 on, forget it. You'll be living with a stranger who slams doors, tells you how old and stupid you are, how much they hate you, how every other human being on the planet is more important and more intelligent than you.

Although they will still expect you to pay for everything and give them money.

Then they move out and got to Uni, which you will pay for. Then they will move back in once Uni is finished and stay until you give them enough money to move back out again.

Enjoy!

You DH sounds useless and selfish. He goes out 4 nights a week??? Leaves all the housework and baby stuff to you and complains he's being neglected?

Aww....poor little lamb that he's stressed about paying the bills (as he was already doing pre-baby 🙄) while you now do absolutely everything including part time work. Babies are utterly exhausting and both parents need to contribute to their care. Being home all the time with babies is harder than getting out of the house and being around other adults at an out of home job IMO, and the one who is out of the house should be pitching in 50% housework and childcare when they get home.

I would not tolerate this. Sounds like you've already tried to talk to him but he doesn't listen. Honestly I'd be saying "there's the door." Your resentment toward him will only build if he doesn’t step up and be a proper parent. My ex was like this. Hence being an ex.

Hi Op

Your husband needs to step up to Mark and be like a proper patner , be part of a team,

Not acting like he is single man with allmost fuck all family commitments,

He is taking the piss royally with you here,

It's just is not fair
.it's not Acceptable
It's not On , !

What he expect family life to be like then??

I know it's a shock to the system getting used to a new baby,

Especially being a new mum,

I think you need to have a check with a doctor just to check everything is healing OK after giving birth,

I am wondering where your family are and his family to support you a lot more as a new family unit,?

Sorry about loss of his family member , that is hard

He needs to grow up and do more. That’s his baby too.

OK, just to give OP a bit of balance and optimism : I had an excellent relationship with my parents as a teen. Liked to hang out with them and our house hold was quiet and peaceful. (I was an only child, no idea if that played a role, didn't go to school here. Where I went, friends also had similar relationships with their parents). Still very close now I'm an adult with my own kids. They as parents have always shown me love and respect and expected the same. For my mum the hardest bit was the baby years

My solid ten year relationship was completely rocked during ds1's first year. It's a big adjustment (we also had COVID lockdowns to contend with). It got much easier for us when ds1 was around 14/15 months old and started walking. He then slept through the night at 17 months. My sex drive slowly came back as he fed less and less (breastfeeding..I had zero sex drive for the first 13 months). Never pressured by DH ever and sex drive was back in full swing by 17 months old when he slept through and thus stopped night feeds. Things were much easier again. Then we got pregnant 😅 despite not supposedly being able to

We were very happy but did agree we wouldn't leave each other in the first year if things got difficult again😅 we're 3 months in and it's much easier this time. No sex as breastfeeding again which kills my drive but easier baby and knowing what we're doing this time means it's far more relaxed and our humour is still there this time!
Give it some more time. The first year is honestly the hardest but it gets better again

@onefinemess Yep- 100% my experience too- summarised beautifully
luckily my son rapidly improved about 20 - although he's still keen on cash!!

Both mine were/are lovely as teens.

A mummy's boy. He needs to grow up or go back to his mums.

Maybe try baby swimming lessons for them together, they do tend to work out better with dads than some other baby groups, and great for bonding. Basically any baby groups that tend to have more dads ?
The good thing is she’ll be becoming more and more interactive (and in your mental diary you’ll start to note if he stays checked out or not with these new opportunities.

First year is always really tough, don't make any rash decisions, get through as best you can. I found around 12-18 months my husband came into his own once the baby was big enough to run around a park and play, and now we have a 5 and 2 year old he really pulls his weight being the fun playful dad, always up for trips out, trips to the park etc which I can't stand

Lol, how men "opt" out in the early days of a baby..."it's hard"...🙄😁y is that acceptable??