Relationship going downhill since baby - does it get better?

[xFTM2022x]

Had my DD 8 months ago, absolute light of my life and I adore being a mum. My DP on the other hand hasn’t adapted to family life as well. He loves her so much but has slowly backed off from doing housework and tbh I do 95% of DDs care. He admitted to me a few months ago he isn’t enjoying family life, I think this made me resent him a bit. He ‘wants me back’, feels like I’m neglecting him etc. I’m trying my best, I really am trying. My libido is crap these days, I suffered a 3rd degree tear in birth so recovery was rough and I still get pain/strange sensations etc down there. We still do ‘bits’ just not as often as we did pre DD. He had a close family member pass away recently, it’s been really tough but especially on him. I’ve been as supportive as I can and we’ve spent a lot of time with family etc. He goes to the gym 4 nights a week and on his days off if he ever wants to do anything, I’m always supportive, yet I can’t even nip out for an hour because DD won’t settle for him. He feels I’m just a nag and always have to pick faults when we’re on a good run. I guess I do but sometimes I just feel resentful that the housework and baby jobs land on me, yet if I bring it up he just tells me the stress he has of paying the house bills - I’ve just gone back to work part time and do contribute a couple of hundred. I just can’t bare the bickering and atmosphere. I so desperately do not want to break up. I want my DD to have a whole family with siblings (you guessed it, I didn’t have that). I guess I just want to hear about other peoples similar experiences. I heard the first year was tough but jeeees.

I know you're all right. I can't see things changing but also feel like i can't end things so soon. I've tried to get him to take her swimming, it's even included in his gym membership but he won't. I've asked him to go to his mums for a few days so we can both have some space to level our heads instead of bickering. He won't. His mum also won't have him, despite being very on my side and telling me to kick him out. I think i'm going to take DD and go to my mums for the weekend so I can just have a breather. We've barely spoken all day, his mum came round to pick up some washing to help out and he's gone to his friends.

So relieved to hear i'm not alone with losing my sex drive since birth. Will call the doctors Monday to just get checked out

Yes he needs to help more but and no idea if you are doing this but some parents eat sleep and talk their baby constantly

Sure baby is wonderful and it is a change but normal life can still happen too

I would go insane if my husband spent 24/7 where the only topic of conversation was baby

This may not be you though

If you did all those things you wouldnt be ok. Donr kid yourself.

He needs to step up. Maybe baby won't settle for him cus you are doing it all. Can you give him more time qith baby and allow yourself to move away so he learns and attaches more to DC. ?

I'm glad OP put those mad posters straight. I bet they were trolls.

OP, arguing about little things is normal when you're tired and stressed, but your relationship sounds beyond the usual baby troubles. Your DP gets time to himself every evening from the sounds of it. You work as well, do all the housework and all the looking after your baby too. No wonder you have no libido - who would want sex with such a lazy man? I'm grossed out just thinking about it.

He needs to understand that unless he makes some BIG changes, you will ask him to leave (and ATM you would be better off this way as you would be cleaning up/cooking after one less person!).

Also, I'm fed up of people minimizing how hard it is to look after a baby/toddler. You're just as tired being at home during the day as he is going to work, and housework/childcare needs to be split 50-50 when he gets home from work. I went back to work 4 days a week when my daughter was 1, and until she turned 2.5 years old, my non-working day was far more exhausting than my days at work!! He needs to learn to value the time you're investing bringing up your child and realize it counts just the same as going to work.

Also, when you go to your mum's for the weekend leave your DD with him. Have a proper rest.

He will need to learn to take care of HIS daughter.

@WandaWonder where has OP given any indication that she talks about the baby and nothing else 24/7? I know some people may do this but this is a bit of a stretch

@Emilia35 yep I agree with you about people minimizing how hard it is to look after a baby/toddler. I had a very clingy, non-sleeping DS and the exhaustion of managing on three hours of sleep a night with a husband who frankly did sod all in the first year was all consuming some days. Also people shouldn't underestimate the extent to which a DH who doesn't participate in family life, allows their partner to struggle, and general has a crappy, unpleasant attitude is a massive turn-off for new mums.

OP, for what it's worth, my own DH improved massively with the kid around 18 months and is great now. But it's hard to get over how awful he was in the first year. I made a huge effort to not just talk about the baby and to plan nice outings. I even went to counselling (solo) to improve my "communication skills". And yet DH persisted in being sulky, volatile and totally unhelpful with anything to do with the baby.

In the end, what worked? My DH snapping out of his shitty attitude. He had to make that decision to step up and to make that change. It wasn't fundamentally anything that I did or didn't do.

You can work on a marriage but you can't do it single-handedly. It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to tank it.

You are in a really tough spot, OP, and it honestly sounds like you are doing your best. The situation may well be salvageable but the ball is really on your DP's court now. Wishing you all the very best

Go to your mums OP. Have a long hard think about how you want to tackle this. If I were you I would be telling him that he has let you down and you thought more of him than this. Dont end up like the countless women who do it all and end up exhausted shells of themselves in 5 years time. It's simple, he needs to step up. There's no need to complicate it, he needs to step up. You did, he needs to.

Ah op then I change a bit of what I've said. You shouldn't be doing it all. He's a parent too. Despite our tough year and rocky phase, my DH still parented our son. Still did sling naps outside to give me a break, nappies, tummy massages, etc.
It's hard for everyone, that doesn't mean you can opt out of looking after your child. I hope you get a decent break at your mum's.