Unhappy marriage with no way out

[Blamunge]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage. My DH was ok until we had a baby, then he refused to support me or do his share, even when I had a nervous breakdown from the sheer burden of round the clock childcare. He dumped the baby on me and refused to adjust his hours so I could continue working. I can’t even work evenings because he insists he needs to be able to work late and swan off on overnight business trips at short notice.

I threatened that if he didn’t give me a break I’d call the health visitor and tell her I couldn’t cope, and he said if I did that he’d divorce me and take the baby off me, and throw me out of my home because he pays the mortgage. So I struggled on.

DC is five now and easier to cope with but I’ll never forgive DH. I can’t stand to have him touch me. We haven’t had sex since before I got pregnant. We don’t even kiss - I don’t want to. He regularly goes in a sulk because I reject him. He’s constantly in a bad mood and puts me down regularly, I can’t do anything right. To top it off, after I was tied down with a baby he revealed some submissive fetishes which turn me off because I prefer a dominant man.

In a nutshell our marriage is over. But I never saw the point of leaving because it would disadvantage DC. If we had to pay for two separate households I’d have to work full time and have less time for DC, and DC would have to give up expensive hobbies like sport and dance. And it’s not like I’m going to find a new partner as a divorced middle aged mum anyway. I couldn’t even find love as a single woman in my twenties so what chance do I have now? I’ve only met two men in my entire life who I was even attracted to, so the odds of finding a new partner are minuscule. In other words I’m not missing out by staying married for DC.

But I ache for someone to love and care about me, and I desperately want sex. Still there’s no point in leaving because I wouldn’t be able to get those things even if I got divorced, so I might as well stay for DC. It breaks my heart to accept that I just never found love in my lifetime. I’ve been seeing a counsellor because I keep thinking I’m going to die soon, because I have no future and nothing to live for. All my future holds is raising DC and then death. I’ve considered that I might just kill myself when DC is 18 and doesn’t need me any more.

Anyway, recently I met someone who I felt attracted to. Nothing is going to happen - he’s fifteen years younger than me and presumably wants kids that I couldn’t produce. I’m not an idiot - I know that a young handsome man has a million options that are better than a middle aged mother. But it just surprised and saddened me that I’m still capable of these feelings. We talked and he made me feel interesting and attractive for the first time in years, and I can’t help wishing that I was fifteen years younger and single so I could pursue him. I want to keep that feeling he made me feel, because it’s the first time in years that I’ve felt any hope or longing, or even a desire to live.

I don’t know what the point of this is. Lonely middle aged mum is sad that nobody loves her or ever will, and wishes she was young again so she could have another chance. It’s the oldest story in the book. I know I need to stop whining and focus on doing the best for DC. I just feel so lost and sad.

Not wanting to leave because you enjoy being financially well off, working part time and having a nice house really isn’t the same as having no way out. Quite frankly I’d rather live in a flat above a shop on a main road and work full time in exchange for a chance at happiness and a good relationship than settle for being miserable and hating every day of my life to keep the money around - and honestly, I fully expect your DC would prefer that for you as well, they’ll be well aware of the tensions in the home and having parents who dislike each other and model an unhealthy relationship.

Make a proper list of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I’d be very surprised if the list to stay ended up looking very convincing, even to you.

Oh my goodness . Read that back OP and tell that person what you'd advise . You have no valid reason not to leave . Tbh you sound like it's all too much effort . Either accept this is your life until you die or do something about it , take a chance on happiness . If nothing else you're not giving your DC a positive view of marriage

There is always a way out. Divorcing your abuser could be the making of both you and your child who is also being emotionally harmed.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

If you indeed do want to be loved and have sex then you're either going to go off having affairs within this marriage (and you will be found out) or be far braver than you have been to date and actually end this marriage. Your abusive H is not the boss of you though he acts like one and he has indeed said all the crap such men come out with when they sense they are losing power and control over their chosen target. You've stayed at huge emotional cost to yourself and it has not worked out for you or for your child.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Do you really think giving him a lifestyle with activities like dance and sports will at all even one percent compensate for the misery indoors in his home which is also not the sanctuary it should be to him?. No. This child will be far more disadvantaged as you put it by you and their father remaining together for what are really your own reasons and have nothing whatsoever to do with him. One day too your children will leave home; what then for you and your H if you are still together then?. Your now adult children won't say thanks mum to you for staying with him and your relationship therefore could be at risk of total breakdown. They won't want to come back and see either of you and could well ask you why you put him before them. How would you answer that?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. This is NO legacy whatsoever to leave your child and what he is learning from you both is that a loveless relationship could become his "norm" too. You're showing him that this treatment of you is acceptable to you. Your son wants a happy and content mother; not a miserable mother in an abusive and loveless marriage.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. Your sense of victimhood also here is clouding your judgment badly. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

It’s not about me. DC deserves a nice home and money for hobbies, and a mum who can pick up from school and spend time playing and helping with homework. If it was just me I’d leave. But I grew up poor with no money for hobbies and a mum who was always at work, and I was very bored and lonely. I’m willing to sacrifice myself to avoid DC growing up like that.

"I’ve considered that I might just kill myself when DC is 18 and doesn’t need me any more".

That is one sure fire way of really screwing him up emotionally as an adult. Do not ever countenance such thoughts again.

You really do need to get your own self out of this mire of victimhood through counselling on your own.

And 18 either is not some magic age whereby he does not need you any more. You're his mother and will remain so for the rest of his days. Of course he bloody well needs you at that age; he will need you at 28, 38 and 48 too!.

And what happens when your son is 18 and living his own life . I'm sure he'd much rather his mum was happy than have an extra hobby lesson .

Sacrifice yourself? Oh please. That's not exactly guaranteed to win respect for yourself from anyone never mind your child.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?
They didn’t like or love each other but my mum stayed to give me a stable home. A few months after I moved out for university she left him. She’s been on her own ever since. Which proves that you don’t necessarily meet someone else even if you leave.

If you indeed do want to be loved and have sex then you're either going to go off having affairs within this marriage (and you will be found out) or be far braver than you have been to date and actually end this marriage.
I think it’s more likely that I’ll do what my mum did. Prioritise my child’s happiness and stability and just put up with being lonely for the rest of my life. Nobody has ever loved me - I’ve been lonely for the past 40 years already so I’m used to it.

"It’s not about me. DC deserves a nice home and money for hobbies, and a mum who can pick up from school and spend time playing and helping with homework".

Am certain you do this already but his nice home is not the sanctuary it should be to him. There is an undercurrent of resentment here that will not go away as long as you and his dad remain married to each other for what are your own selfish based reasons.

"If it was just me I’d leave".
What makes leaving impossible with a child in tow?. Again you are staying for the complete wrong reasons here i.e your child. Your child should not have to carry the burden of knowledge that you stayed with his father because of him because he will and he will not thank you for doing so. There is legion of posters on MN who grew up knowing that their parents stayed together because of the kids and a vast majority wished their parents had separated long before their own adulthood.

"But I grew up poor with no money for hobbies and a mum who was always at work, and I was very bored and lonely. I’m willing to sacrifice myself to avoid DC growing up like that".

But you are married and bored and lonely now. You're still capable of feeling and being loved and want to be attractive to other men; that is not going to go away. Being with your H stops you from actually moving on with your life.

Your son is already growing up seeing his father despise you as his mother; what do you think that is going to do to your child emotionally?. It will harm him immeasurably particularly if you and his dad were to stay together for what are really your own reasons pertaining to some lifestyle aspirations you want to maintain.

There are no medals given out for sacrificing yourself like this so I would urge you to no longer do so.

So you're teaching your DD to repeat history just like you are? Then you'll top yourself when she's 18 because she wanted to keep going to dancing lessons? Great stuff.

(Ps: not great stuff really - find a job that gives you flexibility around the kid and see what benefit top ups you might be entitled to. Consult a solicitor about divorce and find a flat).

If I were you I absolutely would pursue it with the younger man. OK so it probably won't be your happy ever after, but it sure as hell would be happier than you are now if only temporarily. To not do it is a bit like turning down a holiday because its only a fortnight and you're not moving there for good.
You'd get to have sex and feel desirable and that might be just what you need to shake you out of this defeated mindset, and wrong thinking that youre not attractive or deserving of love.

So you came from a miserable household including a mum who you know was unhappy, and you’ve gone on to recreate that for your own DC. What do you think will happen as he gets older and begins to think that martyring yourself in a relationship is just what adults do? What do you think are his chances of having a better relationship than the one his parents do?

You don’t necessarily meet somebody else if you leave, no. But you don’t have to live with somebody who makes you feel lonely and unloved, and if you want to meet someone you’ll at least have the chance to. That your mum has remained single doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing. Perhaps after living in a miserable marriage for so long and then getting free your mum has been happy and simply hasn’t ever met meet she thought was worth it.

If you choose to dance with the devil you don’t get to pick the tune. You’re staying with your DH for his money and the comforts that allows you; if that’s the bargain you’ve made and want to stick with then the only thing you can do is dance to his tune and keep on living as you are. I’m not sure what else anyone can say. You’re clearly not going to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage, and nobody can suggest peppy ideas that will make staying fine.

You are giving your dc nice bricks and mortar, not a nice and loving home. The unhappiness he sees and feels will stay with him forever. You have options.

"They didn’t like or love each other but my mum stayed to give me a stable home".

But she did not succeed in giving you a stable home. Well you may have had some material things but you were emotionally bereft hence all this talk of no-one has ever loved me.

History too has a nasty habit of repeating itself and you're at risk of making the same old relationship mistakes she did. Do you really want to repeat this cycle?. I would hope that no you would want better for you and for your DC. You do not have to do what she did.

Please get some therapy. You sound miserably unhappy, which is not surprising in your situation, and I do wonder if there are some thought patterns that are restricting you. Just possibly things could improve a fair bit.

If you do become single and you want sex, you can have it, believe me. Did your mother tell you that men aren't interested in women over 30? As a single parent aged 50 and overweight, I had so many men on the go while I wanted them that I needed to keep a spreadsheet; what you mean is that you have (perfectly reasonable) higher standards than that. And that's fine. My only standard was that I wanted them to be able to send me reasonably coherent sentences when messaging. That was fine too.

Take advice from someone who has been there- it's very naive to think your child will be remotely greatful - I've known some children who have grown up with great holidays, amazingly expensive hobbies, lovely homes , mum around a lot and still turned into ungreatful , moaning , entitled teens and young adults who then still moan about something else in the 'life isn't fair' stakes. Probably would say their parents were always miserable etc!! Seriously I understand your reasoning but it's a long time to hang around for being very unhappy

A nice but unhappy house is not worth much OP. It would be different if you said you absolutely could not afford to separate, but - apologies if I’ve misunderstood - it seems you can, but with a change in lifestyle.
First of all, wouldn’t he pay maintenance ? And I’d imagine you’d be entitled to some help depending.

As for hobbies, how expensive exactly are these hobbies ? I grew up v poor and still did community ballet, gymnastics, albeit not horse riding. So I wonder what your DC hobbies are, bc mine aren’t all known for being the cheapest, but at 5 most aren’t that much. I also did 2 instruments. And free (subsidised) holiday clubs. When I became older as in pre teen yes it was much more expensive (as in gymnastics esp) but you can save and who knows where you’ll be then ?
I honestly did not mind my tiny house in the slightest, decorated room for very cheap full of tatt, and I didn’t see a difference.

If you sacrifice yourself like this for your son, you will make him responsible for your happiness (because he'll always feel the weight of how unfulfilled you are). Children can sense when parents are unhappy and internalise it as their fault. It's an awful way to grow up and certainly messed me up.

If you really don't have the courage to leave yet, you need to start focusing on other avenues to fulfilment. Being a FT mum with no finances, hobbies, interests and a complete dependence on your child for happiness is very very unhealthy. I wouldn't care if your DH says you can't work evenings as he needs to swan off - get a job, tell him it's what you'll be doing and if he wants to divorce you - you'll get half the house and child support. UK courts are reluctant to take a child away from their mother - and in your case you've done nothing wrong. He wants to be submissive? Start controlling your own life and order him to accept it, lol.

You'll only have confidence if you start working, getting financial independence, making friends, having little wins with hobbies/interests/passions you can even do from the home. That's how you'll pluck up the courage to go solo, and open up opportunities to meet someone.

The feelings you had as a child, that you needed your mum to be happy and occupied have now carried into adulthood, where you feel you need a man. And the problem wasn't your mum working, it was no one teaching you how to enjoy your own company/have hobbies (that don't cost money) and possibly an inherent tendency you have towards loneliness (a therapist could help you with this). Unless you fix it you will always be seeking out people to fill this hole in you and be disappointed when you realise no one can.

Not to mention the chance of your DC developing MH issues in an unhappy household, no money in the world is worth that

Did you say...."we haven't had sex since before i got pregnant"...🤔

Other than that I have no sympathy or advice for woman like you who are unwilling to leave their shit marriage and wine on her about it.
You're actually not doing your DC any favours...but heyho

Btw I’m not seeing son vs daughter sorry if I’m missing something (not huge difference except maybe hobbies)

While I sympathise with you, this is no different from any other woman choosing financial and materiel comfort and tolerating someone who’ll provide it. Don’t hide behind your child or phrase it as sacrificing yourself. You’re making choices which affect them as much as you, own it.

Yeah, I think you know full well that this currently isn't giving your dc their best life. You're just hiding behind that because you mistakenly think having money is better than being free. It isn't.,

I am 💯 sure that if you stay, and role model this miserable life to your dc, then when they grow up and are in their miserable life in the thirties and forever, as they'll repeat the pattern as you have - they sure as shit wont be thanking you for the pointless tennis lessons they had when they were 7 as way of recompense.

Agree really. I and several of my friends took up horse riding after working, I don’t remember any conversations feeling sad we didn’t start on toddler ponies, we just feel grateful for today 🤷🏻‍♀️

Being an only child with a parent who is at work all the time with no money is also a very miserable life. My best friend lived exactly this way. I had a SAHP and I’m very grateful for that.