Unhappy marriage with no way out

[Blamunge]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage. My DH was ok until we had a baby, then he refused to support me or do his share, even when I had a nervous breakdown from the sheer burden of round the clock childcare. He dumped the baby on me and refused to adjust his hours so I could continue working. I can’t even work evenings because he insists he needs to be able to work late and swan off on overnight business trips at short notice.

I threatened that if he didn’t give me a break I’d call the health visitor and tell her I couldn’t cope, and he said if I did that he’d divorce me and take the baby off me, and throw me out of my home because he pays the mortgage. So I struggled on.

DC is five now and easier to cope with but I’ll never forgive DH. I can’t stand to have him touch me. We haven’t had sex since before I got pregnant. We don’t even kiss - I don’t want to. He regularly goes in a sulk because I reject him. He’s constantly in a bad mood and puts me down regularly, I can’t do anything right. To top it off, after I was tied down with a baby he revealed some submissive fetishes which turn me off because I prefer a dominant man.

In a nutshell our marriage is over. But I never saw the point of leaving because it would disadvantage DC. If we had to pay for two separate households I’d have to work full time and have less time for DC, and DC would have to give up expensive hobbies like sport and dance. And it’s not like I’m going to find a new partner as a divorced middle aged mum anyway. I couldn’t even find love as a single woman in my twenties so what chance do I have now? I’ve only met two men in my entire life who I was even attracted to, so the odds of finding a new partner are minuscule. In other words I’m not missing out by staying married for DC.

But I ache for someone to love and care about me, and I desperately want sex. Still there’s no point in leaving because I wouldn’t be able to get those things even if I got divorced, so I might as well stay for DC. It breaks my heart to accept that I just never found love in my lifetime. I’ve been seeing a counsellor because I keep thinking I’m going to die soon, because I have no future and nothing to live for. All my future holds is raising DC and then death. I’ve considered that I might just kill myself when DC is 18 and doesn’t need me any more.

Anyway, recently I met someone who I felt attracted to. Nothing is going to happen - he’s fifteen years younger than me and presumably wants kids that I couldn’t produce. I’m not an idiot - I know that a young handsome man has a million options that are better than a middle aged mother. But it just surprised and saddened me that I’m still capable of these feelings. We talked and he made me feel interesting and attractive for the first time in years, and I can’t help wishing that I was fifteen years younger and single so I could pursue him. I want to keep that feeling he made me feel, because it’s the first time in years that I’ve felt any hope or longing, or even a desire to live.

I don’t know what the point of this is. Lonely middle aged mum is sad that nobody loves her or ever will, and wishes she was young again so she could have another chance. It’s the oldest story in the book. I know I need to stop whining and focus on doing the best for DC. I just feel so lost and sad.

I was middle 30s when I met the right man now happily married with kids. Nothing on gods earth would make me stay in that situation. First marriage similar although also physically abuse. Left after baby was born best thing ever. Dont stay and be miserable get a plan together and leave

OP I completely understand /I was simply similar and stayed for some reasons -why leave when I was too old and fat to find someone else anyway.
Then I did /agorgeous man - lost weight and discovered real joy again in life and lots of new interests.

Left the H a few weeks after meeting bf (not to move in in with him) That relationship is now over after 18 months, but was the making of (the new) me - am so much happier even on my own.
Even if I never meet another man I absolutely don't regret it -life immeasurably better.

So husband said if you divorce he'd take the child where he would have to do everything - but couldn't do his share with you there?

I’m so sorry you feel so low. I do totally understand where you are coming from and you are right that DC should come first. I know you feel like you hate DH but you once loved him. Is there no way of counselling for you both to try and repair your relationship? He hasn’t left you either and he doesn’t have the money worries you have so there must be something still keeping him with you and hopefully that is because he does still love you.

You have, politely, decided there is no way out.

This is your choice. You like stuff so you are going to tolerate all this crap from your husband.

history is repeating itself… you and your mum and now you and your son… he will be learning that marriages are cold with no closeness or love or care. He’ll may think about that when he’s older and wont think well at least I had good hobbies… If you left, your H wouldnt take custody- if he leaves it all to you to do the care, he’d hardly want to do it alone… and kids always need their mums however old they are!

mid life love does happen - my friend was so down about turning 50 last year with 2 awful long term relationships behind her, but a month before her birthday she met a fantastic man and is really happy!

There is hope.

why not think about starting to make a plan…. you can control your life… you can do it - if you chose to be happy again.

I was a single parent, with no financial or other type of help from my ex and was able to send my dd to dances and then horse-riding. I never met anyone else but we had a good life and much better than having to share a life with someone I despise

You are trapped in a deeply ingrained and concretised pattern of belief, rather than trapped by your practical circumstances. You will fight every poster tooth and nail on this, and that is how intractable and real it has become for you.

You do NOT have to become your mother. In fact, the sooner you leave, the sooner you have already started to break with precedent.

You do NOT have to be alone.

You do NOT have to feel helpless.

What you DO almost certainly need to do is to seek expert support in breaking those beliefs, so perhaps before you do anything else, consider booking at least several months with a therapist. Yes, you'll probably fight and/or outright reject this too. But you don't have to. It may change your life, and sometimes that's the most terrifying prospect of all. It's also ultimately the most freeing.

There is a real sadness coming across in your posts @Blamunge . I hope we can offer you some support here. You start off by saying your DH was ok before you had a child. From that can we assume that it wasn't great before.

Exactly. He said because I have asperger syndrome he’d tell them I’m round the bend and not able to provide, and he’d get full custody. I said he wouldn’t be able to have custody because of his big important job - he’s out till 7pm every night, sometimes 9 or 10. He said he’d take DC just for the sake of it, because he could, and bung her in childcare. Not because he wants to look after her. Just to take her off me.

But he wouldn't would he @Blamunge ?
Childcare doesn't exist at 9pm.

Also, wouldn't you just say 'that's not true, I'm perfectly capable of looking after him which is why I've always been the one doing it.'

@Blamunge he sounds like an absolute arse- you won't hack another 13 years like this lovely- best to make sure you get all you and child are entitled to and get out- even if it's rented-

Your husband is full of shit. No court is going to just take his word for it you have MH issues and aware him full custody. As others have said you are not providing your child with a nice home but with a house. You can bet he already has picked up that is mum and dad really dislike each other. Separate and begin your life.

Some of the happiest and loveliest people I know came from these homes with nothing. Expensive houses and hobbies do not make a child happy, I can say that with 100% certainty, so please do not use this as an excuse to stay.
Leave, consult a solicitor, divorce your husband taking what you're owed in the process, work full time if you need to and live your life happily.
Given he's an arsehole, ensure everything is done via a solicitor, including custody and child support.
You can demonstrate that he will not devote the time required to your child, he cannot demonstrate that you are incapable of looking after her as you have spent her whole life doing so, mainly on your own.
Fuck him

OP, you say no one loved you. I can assure you that your dc loves you, with all her heart. And what your dc needs, far more than any sports or dance clubs, or material things, is a happy Mum. And if you stay, you can never give her that.
There's not a hope the courts would allow your husband full custody. You need to leave. Regardless of whether you'd meet any one new, or of anyone else would love you. Do it for your daughter.

Children who's parents are at work go to after school clubs where they play with other children! They don't wait sad and lonely for a parent to come back from work. I finish work early so I can collect my child but if I had the money I would pay for him to be at clubs as he loves to be with his friends.
This idea of staying at home and having to pick your child from school every day is very British anyway. I come from a country where nearly all mothers of school children work full time and you're considered a sad case and bad role model if you don't - so it's very much cultural thing rather then universal standard.

Every choice has consequences. It's impossible to have it all. But not wanting to leave bad marriage due to being financially better off if you stay is not the same as having no way out. It's a choice.

I’ve considered that I might just kill myself when DC is 18 and doesn’t need me any more

Don't even go down that route. Your child would never recover. It would be convenient for you to think this, to conviceny yourself of this, but they wouldn't.

Even if your chances of finding someone else were slim, staying in this current relationship will cut those changes down to 0%. There's a chance you'll still meet someone whilst in this relationship, but that will be messy. Also, I think you could do with having a break from any relationship for a while before jumping right into another one anyway.

Even though it's totally understandable that toy want to be loved and cared for, to feel attractive, to ache for it and feel sad about it....but you should not enter into another relationship if your desire to live depends on being in a relationship. What an enormous pressure to put on another human being! That is NOT a healthy state of mind.

Please seek medical help, some support from your GP. You really need it OP.

It’s an empty threat. No court would grant sole custody to a parent who isn’t even back until 9pm some nights. If you don’t want to leave, don’t leave. It’s your choice. But don’t deny some of the choice to stay if for your life to be more comfortable. As the child of someone whose parents stayed together for the kids let me tell you they grow up walking on eggshells and this impacts every relationship they go on to have. Bear this in mind when making your decision

OP it's amazing how quick people are to call you lazy or cowardly for not L.ingTB. I'm in a difficult relationship myself and often wonder whether I'd better leave, but haven't. It's true that you have to consider the whole family ecosystem, so to speak, not just your own feelings.

But with all that said, it does sound like you are perpetuating a family curse (as am I...). It sounds as if you didn't even feel loved by your mum, despite all her sacrifices - I guess because she was just too miserable to show love?

Maybe the reason to leave is not to find romantic love out there. Maybe it is just to be able to love yourself without some nasty f.er getting into your head all the time.

It's terrifying, someone with no regard for truth threatening to lie about your parenting to separate you from your kids. But your husband has no leg to stand on with his record of non-care. He's worn you down and you're scared, but there's this saying where I come from, an ending with hardship is better than hardship without end.

You’re making excuses. You’re staying because you’re too scared to leave not for your child. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage because they were too scared to live - it was vile for us kids.

Oh cmon - normal kids have friends and don’t want to hang out with their parents

I think you need to get your head around the practicalities of divorce before that decision is made for you.

OP Are there a few things you need to address
He left you to parent a newborn by yourself
He didn't support you in parenting
You are understably angry
What are the fetishes?
Do you want to be with him sexually
A lot of couples can come back from no support for wife work but need the man to understand
Do YOU want to be with him

My mum left my dad when I was eight. It was the 70s and we lived in small town NI, so it was a lot harder than it is now. She had to work a lot, we didn't have much money. But my god, even at eight years old I knew it was the right thing to do, I was delighted not to be living in an unhappy house any more. So don't kid yourself, you are doing your child no favours by staying. My mum remarried when I was in my 20s, they are still happily married now. I also learned from her example to value myself and make the most of my one precious life, and have been happily married for 26 years. There is absolutely no way this would have happened if they had stayed together, I would have ended up miserable and downtrodden as my mum was before she left my dad!

And as for killing yourself when your child is eighteen, do you really think they won't be effected? My son is 21 and still needs his mum!

I understand why you think you're doing the best for your DC, but you're really not. DC will pick up on your unhappiness no matter how you hide it and also are not getting a good example of what a happy, healthy family looks like. The best thing you can do for your DC is to do what's best for you all.