Unhappy marriage with no way out

[Blamunge]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage. My DH was ok until we had a baby, then he refused to support me or do his share, even when I had a nervous breakdown from the sheer burden of round the clock childcare. He dumped the baby on me and refused to adjust his hours so I could continue working. I can’t even work evenings because he insists he needs to be able to work late and swan off on overnight business trips at short notice.

I threatened that if he didn’t give me a break I’d call the health visitor and tell her I couldn’t cope, and he said if I did that he’d divorce me and take the baby off me, and throw me out of my home because he pays the mortgage. So I struggled on.

DC is five now and easier to cope with but I’ll never forgive DH. I can’t stand to have him touch me. We haven’t had sex since before I got pregnant. We don’t even kiss - I don’t want to. He regularly goes in a sulk because I reject him. He’s constantly in a bad mood and puts me down regularly, I can’t do anything right. To top it off, after I was tied down with a baby he revealed some submissive fetishes which turn me off because I prefer a dominant man.

In a nutshell our marriage is over. But I never saw the point of leaving because it would disadvantage DC. If we had to pay for two separate households I’d have to work full time and have less time for DC, and DC would have to give up expensive hobbies like sport and dance. And it’s not like I’m going to find a new partner as a divorced middle aged mum anyway. I couldn’t even find love as a single woman in my twenties so what chance do I have now? I’ve only met two men in my entire life who I was even attracted to, so the odds of finding a new partner are minuscule. In other words I’m not missing out by staying married for DC.

But I ache for someone to love and care about me, and I desperately want sex. Still there’s no point in leaving because I wouldn’t be able to get those things even if I got divorced, so I might as well stay for DC. It breaks my heart to accept that I just never found love in my lifetime. I’ve been seeing a counsellor because I keep thinking I’m going to die soon, because I have no future and nothing to live for. All my future holds is raising DC and then death. I’ve considered that I might just kill myself when DC is 18 and doesn’t need me any more.

Anyway, recently I met someone who I felt attracted to. Nothing is going to happen - he’s fifteen years younger than me and presumably wants kids that I couldn’t produce. I’m not an idiot - I know that a young handsome man has a million options that are better than a middle aged mother. But it just surprised and saddened me that I’m still capable of these feelings. We talked and he made me feel interesting and attractive for the first time in years, and I can’t help wishing that I was fifteen years younger and single so I could pursue him. I want to keep that feeling he made me feel, because it’s the first time in years that I’ve felt any hope or longing, or even a desire to live.

I don’t know what the point of this is. Lonely middle aged mum is sad that nobody loves her or ever will, and wishes she was young again so she could have another chance. It’s the oldest story in the book. I know I need to stop whining and focus on doing the best for DC. I just feel so lost and sad.

I'm in pretty much the same situation. I have been and am planning an exit strategy. I've needed to build up my mental and emotional strength (lots of counselling and understanding how I got here) and am working on the finances. I can't see how running out the door and financially struggling is the best immediate option but I'm not going to be here long term. I know many people who have fallen in love late in life and I have a few decades on them so believe there is hope for a healthy love relationship one day. If I don't meet someone I know I will be happier alone and from past experience had much more sex as a single woman. Start thinking how you can happily get out of your marriage and the solutions will come to you. Being unhappy causes you to stop looking for a way forward. Use this feeling from the younger man to spring board you to a happy exit, it does exist.

Sorry op, I understand you want to do your best for your child, but it's not a kind thing you are doing to them if you sacrifice all of your happiness for their sake. It's far too much pressure to put on them for one thing.

Maybe it works pre-adolescence with their involvement in dance and sport, but once your child becomes a teen they may give up those activities, or want to do something different, and they will be assessing you from a more objective, less uncritical standpoint, and they will want a mother who is happy in themselves, modelling independence and taking responsibility for their own emotional well-being.

And they will be observing how you run your life and your marriage and taking that as a blueprint for themselves to some extent. In other words they will be assessing how you are and what you do, not what you say. And if there is a disconnect between those two things, they will sense it and be angry, as there is nothing more teens hate than hypocrisy. And far from being grateful to you for giving up everything "for their sake" they will probably resent you for it and be angry. Sorry to sound harsh but that's a far more likely scenario than the one you are describing. Do you think it's fun to grow up with a depressed, unhappy and lonely mother? You won't be able to hide your true emotional state from them. Sorry but you need to take responsibility for it.

And to think your child won't need you at eighteen is frankly ludicrous. I have teen and young adult DC and that's a time when they need you more than ever. It's a period of huge change for them as they branch out to university or whatever and it helps to have a solid home life behind them. I have experience of suicide in my close family and can vouch for the fact that it still has negative effects thirty years on.

I know being autistic will perhaps make things harder for you as you may be more anxious and you may interpret your husband's words too literally. But take his ACTIONS as the truth, not his words. He has never been involved as a parent and he's not going to start now. He's a vile person to threaten you this way and leave you so unsupported.

Listen op, at the risk of sounding like a well known Instagram coach, "no one is coming". A lovely man is not going to come and sweep you off your feet and change your life. Not while you are married to your DH anyway. You need to take responsibility for your own wellbeing. You don't need anyone else's "permission" to make the change. Don't give away all of your power to your DH who does not deserve it by the sound of it. It won't be easy, you may still be unhappy for some of the time, but at least you will be living life on your own terms and open to different opportunities. You've only got one life and it's now!

There's not really a way to ask this nicely, but you don't want your DC to miss out on sport or dance - but your death by suicide just after their 18th is an option?

You need to get:

• Mental health help because there is a lot of heavy things specially the suicide ideation is very worrying
• Legal advice on custody and finances after divorce

Once you are in a mentally better place with all the relevant facts you can make an informed decision. If a woman decides to stay for the stability and finances, she needs to find a way where it is bearable and be honest that you're not being a martyr, this is a choice you made. When your mental health is better you can be more objective about things.

The new guy is irrelevant. The expensive lessons at five years old are frivolous and irrelevant.
There is a lot of catastrophising and pessimism and bitterness.
We can tell you to leave, and you might leave but if your head isn't in the right place you won't stay away from him or you might have a bigger break down. Focus on getting mentally better and focus on the NOW. There is a lot of past and future thinking but you need to focus on right now right here.

Op I feel I was too harsh in my pp for which I apologize. I think you are talking about suicide because you are depressed and your number one priority is to get some support for that, therapy and ADs if necessary.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but sometimes autistic women do not fully comprehend how their autism is affecting them as to them it is "normal" to feel over-stimulated, over-anxious, overwhelmed every single day. Apologies if this is not the case for you but could you perhaps look in to getting some help and support for ASD if you feel it might help?

Also, it sounds like finances is the major stumbling block getting in the way of leaving your DH. Does your autism make it difficult for you to work full time? If so, or even if it doesn't, why not start looking in to any financial help you may be entitled to as a divorced or single parent. Get some legal advice too. You need to do this anyway as your DH may take the initiative to leave after some years with no sex, and then you could be in a very vulnerable situation.

Take the advice of a pp and start to build up your own financial and emotional independence gradually. Wishing you well with everything. Your DH sounds like a dick.

If you decide that staying is the best you need to make peace with that and make the best of it. No point revisiting the past and rehashing it. He supported you financially though not in the practical way you wanted. Would you have been able to have paid help? Maybe you already have paid help? Having a child is very stressful on both parents. He lost a wife and his life has also been severely impacted. I'm sure he's missing sex and noticing the unpleasant atmosphere. He's got financial freedom which is a big thing but I wouldn't think he isn't unhappy with how things are. Try to see things from his way as well.

You might open up the marriage and agree to draw a line on what happened and be civil to coparent well as a partnership.
If you decide to leave then you need to be aware a love fairy tale ending with another man may never happen. You need to accept that you'll have to work more and or live in poorer standards. Is it still worth leaving?

Everything in life is a compromise but you do have choices.. they just all have consequences and negatives. Which can you tolerate more?

Your children don't stop needing you at 18.

The fact he has told you explicitly he will take your child away from you to punish you... that sounds like the threat of an extremely dangerous and abusive person who wants you to feel that you cannot leave. I suggest you contact Women's Aid, as it is likely being with him has had a huge impact on your thinking and emotional well-being, and this is playing a part in you feeling like you don't have any options.

Being loved starts with loving yourself. You are a person worthy of being cared for. If you can take small actions to care for and prioritise your well-being, this would be a great gift to give to your child.

I t

I know how it feels to have a parent who is unhappy and feeling trapped.

At age 10 every day I wished I'd never been born so my parents wouldn't have to stay together and my dad would be happy.

That's a huge burden for a child to carry into adulthood.

I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the kids and I can't tell you the effect it's had on me long term.

If you are not happy, your kids will pick up on that and it will affect them more than you realise.

Cmon now. Your child deserves happy parents and of course your husband won’t get full time custody , you know this.

you’re choosing not to leave. You need to own this and not pretend you’re trapped or it’s your kids fault.

If your child is at school, what is stopping you from getting a PT or FT job ?

It sounds like you need some interests away from the home & your child

Secondly, 18 is not a magic number when a child no longer needs their parents

Suggest that you need to make some plans & implement them

I think it's her MH speaking because logically this is so plain to see.

There is nothing wrong in staying in a marriage to provide a solid family unit and for finances but like Daisies said, own it and be honest with yourself.

You say your mum stayed to give you a stable home.
You say you are probably going to do the same for your children.
You also say no one has ever loved you.

Which surely goes to show that staying for the sake of your children does not mean you love them.

If you love them, show they how to live a happy and independent life.

You CAN leave. It would not be easy, but you COULD.

You prefer not to. You like a dominant man and perhaps some rather masochistic part of you likes to feel "forced" to stay in this torture situation. Perhaps that is easier than the all the anxieties and risks of the unknown.

I guess the question is how the separate out the reality of your situation from your feelings about your situation.

Reality? You COULD leave, it would not be easy but you could. Your DC would adapt. You might well meet a new partner - people do all the time. In a few years time it is possible for you to be divorced, sharing custody with your DH, and have a new boyfriend.

Your fantasy? You can never leave, you are trapped in this torture with no way out, you would NEVER find a partner, you can NEVER get away from your DH, your DC would be totally damaged and would NEVER get over it.

I am not blaming you - it would be an extremely anxiety provoking thing to leave your marriage and set up on your own. But it IS possible, you would need to begin to develop a new way of thinking about it, you couldn't shift your thinking overnight from where you currently are, which is that you are trapped and have no exit.

I was like this. Felt trapped. But my husband was very abusive, fully controlling and coercive. He told me I couldn't survive without him. We had everything finance wise.
However I am now a single mum to three children and currently only universal credit to survive on while I get through the hardest time as its very recent, but guess what? Me and the kids are the happiest we have ever been.
You are never trapped.

Also he trusted you and opened up about something that many men have shame to admit and your reaction is repulsion. How do you think that makes him feel after being vulnerable and honest about something so intimate and trusting you with this info? You don't have to like it or go along with it but he might have been hurt if you were rude about it.

That's what important to remember on such threads is we only have one perception one side of the story. We mustn't assume that an op is completely blameless or can't be both right and wrong at times too.

She had a breakdown and was struggling with parenthood, any normal parent would take custody away if a parent is speaking about suicide and having a nervous breakdown for the sake of the baby. Putting a child in childcare if the alternative is an unstable parent is not cruel. If the husband was a woman saying she'll put her kids in childcare so she can work full time she will be praised for being a brave feminist pursuing her career. Let's just call a spade a spade and not get swept up by unfairly deserved biases just based on the gender of the poster.

you are taking your mum as a role model which seems wrong.
you cant live like this. its hell.
if you divorce him you can get your share of assets and he has to provide for your dc to do hobbies, etc.
i would go and see a good solicitor.

I agree, and rhe whole my wife repulses me , I constantly reject her, and I’m fantasising about a woman 15 years younger would have the lynch mob out.

op, you aren’t a passenger in your life. If you want to stay for the security and lifestyle then that’s fine. But as said, own it. Stop the whole martyr stuff. If you’re depressed, see a doctor. Your kid is only five, there is only one of them, you can leave and start afresh.

saying you’re staying so your child can have a nice home and hobbies is a get out of jail card, a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own choices, a nice home is about the atmosphere, not materialistic things. If you want the nice home, that’s fine. If you want the money and lifestyle that’s fine but accept it’s a choice you’re making and it’s what you are prioritising.

You could leave if you wanted to. You don't want to. You are making a choice to stay.

This ^^

No its not going to be easy but it's better than staying.

You need to leave love. You are not doing yourself & your child any favours.

I think the replies on here are harsh. OP clearly feels she has no resources, practical, financial, social or emotional, and no built up sense of self worth or belief or even self liking to fall back on. None of you walk in her shoes and I think most of you have a complete empathy by pass as to how her life feels to her and how and why she perceives things the way she does. The way to help someone like OP is through understanding and support. Not more harsh words or criticism, which is all she has and knows in her life. That will just reinforce her sense of inner uselessness and lack of self capacity. And drive her from the thread and support. The deep, deep sense of aloneness OP feels come across strongly in her posts.

i don’t for one minute doubt that OP genuinely loves her child and feels she is trying to do the best for her daughter.

OP I feel you need to start to build up an independent life if your own, of work, friends, hobbies to give you more of a sense of your own worth and capability.

Councils run employment schemes with mentors for people in situations like yours.

Get your own hobbies and make them ones where you see the same people each week. That’s the best way to build a sense of meaningful connection.

Counselling could help you too, you may be able to access via GP or charities like Banardoes. Try to find a counsellor who will help you move forward and offer advice, rather than one or just listens and says little.

Women’s aid may offer free legal advice with a lawyer if you want to explore that.

I also see someone on Mumsnet started a support thread for women with ASD, maybe that would help you.

You don’t have to believe your husband’s lies and can start to slowly build yourself up. Good fortune, OP. I see you, I see how much you care for your daughter, I see how hard you are trying.

@Forherthread What a lovely helpful reply. Thank you for your words. Good luck op.

OP you're either going to have an affair or slowly die inside from being in this marriage.
You have options to leave, you just don't want to because of the disruption to your children and leaving your nice and comfortable and financially secure setting, I do get it - I was the same with my very abusive ex partner. However, when push came to shove, I couldn't take it anymore. The first year was sheer hell financially and coping with the breakup etc, however I am now 3 years on, have met someone else, my daughter is absolutely thriving and we live in a lovely (long term-rental) home and I absolutely could not be happier.
You have options, you just have to be willing for the short-term upheaval for the long term benefit of actually being happy.
Your marriage sounds so miserable and it will chip away at every last bit of self-worth you have.

OP,

Sounds like this latest encounter with an attractive young man has given rise to The Choice Point.

The Biological Dream is alive and well inside of you. That's the good news.

Don't choose the Septic Tank of Door No2.

Choose Door No.1 (reviving your own marrage) or Door No. 3 (Divorce and start again). Have a read here what I am talking about.