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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do woman take cheaters and manipulators back?

56 replies

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 19/04/2023 12:58

I'm struggling to understand why woman continue to do this when the man has cheated and lied multiple times and there are no children involved. Why stay?
Surely this sends out the wrong message to these guys? If we all just kicked them to the curb like we should, they might actually learn their lesson

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 19/04/2023 16:28

Trauma bond, low self worth, lack of support, feelings of guilt from blame shifting by the wayward spouse…

Have you been in this position before? Because this sounds a lot like victim blaming.

MissAmelia · 19/04/2023 16:31

Cheaters will never collectively learn their lesson as they will always think they will be the one clever enough to get away with it.

MintJulia · 19/04/2023 16:34

No idea. Financial expediency? Fear of being alone?

I kicked mine out for good and have refused his three kind offers to return😀

I can't think of a single reason to give him the time of day, never mind take him back.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 17:34

Women aren't here to send collective massages to men. Both sexes return to abusive relationships due to low self esteem.

It's not rocket science.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 17:35

*messages

(think that's my best/worst typo ever)

Hellocatshome · 19/04/2023 17:36

You kond of answered your question yourself. They are manipulators and if you have low self esteem you are a prime target to be manipulated.

ily0x1 · 19/04/2023 17:36

We’re in a cost of living crisis, do you realise how difficult it is to live as a single person?!

username1722 · 19/04/2023 21:46

Numerous reasons. One that I'm surprised hasn't been mentioned yet is love. If someone is in love, they will try anything to make it work, including forgiving and trying their utmost to believe that the person will change.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/04/2023 22:02

IM struggling as to why you posted this !

come on 🙄

we know the reasons are mixed complex and mired in gender , self esteem , culture , mental health , poverty

want to kick someone
kick pornhub
and gender culture for starters

Allmyghosts · 19/04/2023 22:17

Also the cheaters/manipulators in society may be the more interesting characters (no idea if that's true). It's hard to come by engaging and interesting people out there, it's not all about sex.

Stillwearingskinnys · 19/04/2023 22:18

Watching

Touty · 19/04/2023 22:25

Fear of being alone.

5128gap · 19/04/2023 22:28

For whatever reason the woman had clearly decided that she'd rather be with the cheater than not, obviously. There are many reasons she may have decided this. She may be financially better off. She may not much care what he does. She may think in the context of an overall good life together an affair isn't a deal breaker.
I'm fairly sure that what she doesn't do is feel a sense of obligation to teach him to be a better man. That's not her responsibility.

Dotcheck · 19/04/2023 22:29

Everyone has a battleground where they deal with their self worth. For some it is relationships, for others it is food or career.

But come on, OP, no need for the superior attitude

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 19/04/2023 22:56

Disgusting victim blaming. Lack of self esteem has really very little to do with it!

Love (even if misplaced), family especially with children, economic, business, cultural or a combination of reasons including forgiveness.

Why don't you try rephrasing the question OP and make it about OW, who definitely lack self esteem to get involved with MM in the first place and cause a situation where wives of cheaters are forced into making decisions about their relationships and future....including reconciliation with their cheating low life husbands?

The route of the problem is the perpertrator having an accomplice to commit the crime. Casting a superior judgement on innocent parties is wholly unacceptable.

Englebertstrousers · 19/04/2023 23:33

Because some manipulators mess with your head so subtly and effectively that you feel like its you/your issues that are causing the problem and it takes time to work out that its not you, its them.

PeacefulPottering · 20/04/2023 01:04

Nowhere to go
No support network
Children involved
Sunk cost fallacy
Fear of the unknown
Low self esteem
No role model
Gaslighting
Fear of loss of family life
Love the cheater
Fears of being lonely
Literally no money
It might not be a deal breaker
There are hundreds of reasons particular to the woman and her own personal reasons.

PeacefulPottering · 20/04/2023 01:09

Oh and my very good reason. Fear of abandonment caused by a Father who up and left when I was eight for AW and never saw me again. I didn't want that for my children.

PeacefulPottering · 20/04/2023 02:40

I absolutely hate the cause of infedelity is the reason women have to upheave their lives. Stop fucking blaming women.

DGay · 20/04/2023 02:51

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 19/04/2023 12:58

I'm struggling to understand why woman continue to do this when the man has cheated and lied multiple times and there are no children involved. Why stay?
Surely this sends out the wrong message to these guys? If we all just kicked them to the curb like we should, they might actually learn their lesson

I don't know. I always wondered the same thing. My 1st husband cheated and I divorced him. I would never forgive or forget. I figured that if he really loved me, he wouldn't cheat.

canyoufeedthedog · 20/04/2023 03:03

Yes , just that. If they cheat it's on them. It's not you were not enough. It's ON THEM . Period, it's on them.

Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 08:41

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 19/04/2023 22:56

Disgusting victim blaming. Lack of self esteem has really very little to do with it!

Love (even if misplaced), family especially with children, economic, business, cultural or a combination of reasons including forgiveness.

Why don't you try rephrasing the question OP and make it about OW, who definitely lack self esteem to get involved with MM in the first place and cause a situation where wives of cheaters are forced into making decisions about their relationships and future....including reconciliation with their cheating low life husbands?

The route of the problem is the perpertrator having an accomplice to commit the crime. Casting a superior judgement on innocent parties is wholly unacceptable.

Lack of self esteem has everything to with it. People with high self esteem say 'Sod that!' and walk away. That's what high self esteem looks like; walking towards things that are good for you, and walking away from things that aren't. It applies in all arenas of life, and for many, only manifests in one, so you may be super confident at work, and at relationships, but very unsure about parenting, for example.

It's not victim blaming to say that low self esteem is the issue, because it's not the victim's fault that they have low self esteem. It's generally that they haven't been taught to have high self esteem, from birth. The fault is with the abuser, no doubt at all. But the victim is responsible for their own happiness and fulfilment in life. It's not their responsibility to stop the abuser from abusing, but it is their responsibility, to themselves, to stay away from abuse.

We are all adults, and we are all responsible for our own actions. Abusers need to stop, of course, but the crucial fact is that generally, they don't. So, the victim is forced to play the only hand they have, and leave, for their own good.

Calling it victim blaming is like saying that when the house is on fire, the fire needs to just stop, and the resident is to blame for the fire if they don't walk away. There is a distinction between blame and responsibility that is often not made. The fire/abuse is external to the victim, not their fault, not their responsibility. Escaping safely is a valuable tool in their hands, and saying that it's victim blaming to advise them to use that tool minimises all the power they have.

Daisiesandprimroses · 20/04/2023 08:44

From what I’ve seen on here it’s often financial.

PaintedEgg · 20/04/2023 08:50

The cue is in the name: manipulators are good at manipulating!

cheating often goes hand in hand with other shady behaviour, some of which are borderline abusive. Gaslighting plays an important role - when you're around someone who lies constantly they won't just lie. they will make you doubt your own sanity!

If on top of this someone lack self-esteem, experience or has a very forgiving personality it's really easy to convince them that it's all in their head or that the cheater will change

Best example of it was what Anjelica Huston said about her ex - everyone knew he was cheating, she knew he was cheating, she met a woman wearing her jacket out on the street - and yet she always believed that he either didn't cheat this time or that he would never do it again. In the end he left her for a woman whom he got pregnant...

GremlinCurtains · 20/04/2023 08:53

Tonnes of reasons already listed.

And sometimes, the woman is just refusing to give in, doesn't want him to be with anyone else and him potentially 'be better' in that relationship.

She wants to win the shitty prize.

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