Why do woman take cheaters and manipulators back?

[ScorpioTwinkle1]

I'm struggling to understand why woman continue to do this when the man has cheated and lied multiple times and there are no children involved. Why stay?
Surely this sends out the wrong message to these guys? If we all just kicked them to the curb like we should, they might actually learn their lesson

Victim blaming probably isn't that useful to anyone.

@PeacefulPottering makes a very good list.

Folks will trip over themselves to argue all sorts, but it usually boils down to something there.

One friend said she just wasn't leaving her husband and what they'd built for another woman to enjoy.

Another said she simply had too much to lose. Understandable, as they had four children (youngest was only 2) and a brand new /expensive mortgage.

No. But everyone is a victim of something. Literally everyone.

The serial cheaters will be a victim of abuse, trauma, toxic masculinity, porn culture or whatever.

So then we go round in a loop where everyone's a victim and therefore not really responsible for their choices or actions. Unless it's the 'side' you like and therefore see as less of a victim and the other victims should take responsibility and not make such shitty choices or behave like that.

So it just goes round and round.

All of the above.

But also because they may simply still love the person.

My DG took my grandfather back many times.

The reason she did it was because she absolutely loved him, and he was (inexplicably) her obsession for nearly 30 years.

They say love is blind and it certainly was for her. The scales eventually fell off, though.

Love is blind.

"If we all just kicked them to the curb like we should, they might actually learn their lesson"

Extremely naive. And other women aren't there to police men according to what you think they should do.

Not unvalid query by that OP.

Shitty behaviour often goes unchanged because there are always women willing to put up with it.

So it's not a case of necessarily expecting women to Police men's behaviour but hopefully not facilitate and encourage it.

Just thinking about Thomas Cashman, who was recently convicted of murdering Olivia Pratt-Korbel.

His partner was in court wearing her designer outfits and it was said by Police that although they couldn't necessarily prove that she was involved in his drug-dealing, her lifestyle including living in a half a million pound house and the designer gear was funded by him, who never had a job and she apparently didn't ask where the money was coming from. Very unlikely she didn't know he was a serial cheat also.

He, as most men living his lifestyle was frequently cheating on his partner and one of his mistresses testified in court which led to his convicted.

But the mistress didn't deny knowing he was a cheating on his partner with her or that she knew he was or a drug dealer as it benefitted her at the time and was exciting. She drew the line when he murdered a child. A very low bar.

And during Thomas life sentence in prison, he is going to have women standing by him, writing to him, visiting him and professing their love and even wanting to marry him. Like any other high profile male violent offender.

It's not naive to wonder that if there were not numerous women clamouring to be with men who they know to be cheats, liars and even worse, that the men just might think they have something to lose and it might influence their behaviour.

@GremlinCurtains

So do you think that the women were partly to blame, then, in that case, or was there another point you were making?

"It's not naive to wonder that if there were not numerous women clamouring to be with men who they knowto be cheats, liars and even worse, that the men just might think they have something to lose and it might influence their behaviour."

I think it is. Cheating is part of human nature. It's not going to stop because women try to shame other women who stay with cheaters.

Are you not coming back to the thread then, OP?

You have a nice life and house and friends with the father of your kids who is a good dad. You don’t really care if he gets it elsewhere, don’t want to struggle and suffer as a single parent and know the grim stats on stepdads and old. Better the devil you know?

AKA THEY cheated why should I lose everything? According to very good friend of mine.

If you're asking if I think women are partly to blame for a man being a cheat, liar, drug dealer etc if they enter a relationship with a man or stay in a relationship with a man they know to be a cheat, liar, drug dealer etc and then act surprised when those men turn out to be indeed cheats, liars and drug dealers (again and again in many cases) ? Then yes.

The same as if I bought a car in good faith from someone and it turned out it was stolen, I wouldn't buy another car from them and couldn't complain if i decided to buy another car from them hoping that this time it was legit.

If I bought a car from them knowing it was stolen, I would anticipate any other car I bought from then would be likely to be stolen and again, couldn't really complain if the car turned out to be stolen despite them promising it was legit.

If people didn't buy cars they knew to be stolen, there would be no market for stolen cars.

I know dozens of shitty men who will have a new woman to replace the one that dumped them very, very easily. Even if it's known they are cheats/liars/criminals. It is something that contributes to their dysfunction.

It is something that contributes to their dysfunction

So, if the women stopped, the men would stop?

You are actually saying that the victims of abuse are partially to blame for the abuse, then?

The abuse and manipulation usually doesn't appear until after we've invested time and feelings into the relationship. That's when true colors start to shine through, and we are left wondering what happened to this amazing person who said and did all the right things to make us feel special and loved. This is how the cycle begins. We want things to be like they were in the beginning and will give the abuser multiple chances to show us that that was the "real" them - not the abusive asshole that appeared later. So I guess you can say that hope is what keeps some of us taking them back, over and over...until we realize that the person we fell for never existed, and the abusive side is their true selves.

Depends what you mean by victims of abuse. This OP is talking about women staying in relationships after being cheated on. With no DC involved in what she said so no ties that she couldn't walk away from.

If a woman makes that choice then its a gamble and she has made an informed choice where she feels she gets enough out of the relationship that she wants to stay in it. And then claiming to be a 'victim' when he cheats again will result in most people thinking yes you've been cheated on again but you knew he was a cheat no?

I was talking about women getting involved with men they know to be liars, cheats, abusive and/or criminals. When they could very easily not do that and find someone else.

When we're talking about chronically dysfunctional, abusive and antisocial people then they're not going to have an epiphany to tell them that they're in the wrong and should stop when the people around them are enabling it.

Why would they change if there are no real consequences to their shitty behaviour?

It's enabling their dysfunction.

When they could very easily not do that and find someone else

I think it's the 'very easily' bit that shows your lack of understanding of the mindset, Gremlin.

No money. Nowhere to go. No support network. Can't afford to move out due to minimum wage job. Can't afford moving fees to move out of area because every penny goes on rent, fuel etc.

Thank you everyone for the responses. It allowed me to see a different side to things. I admit I was naive when I wrote this post and now understand for various reasons it is not as easy as simply saying it.

Money.

Why?

How difficult is it really?

There's a great big flashing sign saying "this man has lied to you, cheated on you and proved he doesn't care about you". And in the scenario the OP presented there are no DC so..

Or he is proven to be by previous partners to be a liar, cheat, drug-dealer, abuser before the woman decides that's the man for her.

And all these women are thinking 'well its not easy to not get into a relationship with someone like that'

Really? Is that what you're saying?

It's very easy. Just don't. Millions of women don't choose to get in relationships with known assholes every day. So much that it's considered 'normal' not to do so..

Like I said... you don't get it. But you don't have to. It doesn't matter. Many do.

Money and low self esteem.

They are afraid of being alone.
Many, many women even today still believes having a man, any man, is better than being single. Even a cheater.

And like many said: money, lifestyle, status, appearances.

Also, few of them perhaps are hapoy that the hubby bothers someone else about the sex. And are very happy not to have the one his shtupping.

Have a read of this article

https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1

You're imagining that she will see him completely objectively and without emotional or psychological context, feelings completely aside. In essence, that decisions about relationships come from a place of pure logic, reason and rationality.

I am not a creature of pure logic, reason and rationality and neither are you.