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Original poster

My boyfriend does not love me after 1 year. Should I leave?

95 replies

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 12:56

I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them. I am currently seeking therapy but this is something I cannot get my head around and need advice.

I love my boyfriend and we have been together for a year now. I have expressed my love for him since 8 months in. He has never said it back. I asked if he loved me in November and he said he wasn't there yet which I understood. But he said he struggles to "get there fully" because he was worried about the future... I have a 2 year old daughter. Naturally that upset me but it was early days so I brushed it off. We spend a lot of time together now and we stay with each other most nights now, either at my flat or his. Including my daughter who really likes him. We have a really special bond, it's really intimate and we both agree we've never had a relationship like this. He frequently tells me he cares more about me than any other girl he dated, he feels closer with me and he has more feelings for me than any other. However, he dated a girl for 6 months who he's actually friends with and during a random conversation months ago I asked if he'd ever been in love and he said he was "close" to loving her. They barely saw each other and he said she was unsure whether she wanted to be with him or someone who was a Muslim, as she's a muslim herself so naturally that put him off as she was unsure of what she wanted. Naturally I'm a bit confused how his uncertainty about me affected his feelings but not for her? Especially after he frequently tells me all these loving things.

It's now been just over a year and I summoned up the courage to ask again. There had been small hints like when we argued he made a comment "I guess now you're going to say I don't care about you anymore, I don't love you etc" and I replied how can I say you don't love me if you've never expressed it and he said "fair enough".

When I asked him today his response was ~

"I guess when does caring about you a lot become loving you"

I just responded that he knew he was close to loving an ex so he must have a pretty good idea. I just don't know what to do. And then he said this isn't something I can be annoyed at him for. Clearly as someone with BPD and ADHD this doesn't sit well with me and I find him incredible hard to talk to at times. Whether he's got some form of autism I'm not sure but it's a struggle.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 13:01

You don't want to be with someone who can't decide if they love you or not after a year!

He sounds like a dick who is keeping you dangling on a string.

Also your 2 year old should not be spending nearly every night with her mothers boyfriens of only a year. Totally confusing and inappropriate for her.

Ditch the arsehole and concentrate on your child!

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 13:02

A realtionship of a year should not be a struggle. You should be besotted with each other at this stage!

frayble · 19/04/2023 13:04

OP, this is not the relationship for you. Ditch him.

Rhythmisadancer · 19/04/2023 13:07

get rid

MsCunk · 19/04/2023 13:10

He's playing games, he's pretending happy families with you and your daughter.

ruddygreattiger · 19/04/2023 13:12

If he can't say it or 'doesn't know'🙄 after a year then he's wasting your time. Bin.

vhungrycaterpillar · 19/04/2023 13:13

How old is he? He sounds very immature.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 13:16

vhungrycaterpillar · 19/04/2023 13:13

How old is he? He sounds very immature.

OP posts:
CoteDOpale · 19/04/2023 13:16

You know you deserve better than to be strung along. He’s not going to commit, I’m sorry OP.

Focus on yourself and your daughter -
leave him and move on.

vhungrycaterpillar · 19/04/2023 13:17

I thought you were going to say 21 or something! Definitely get rid, you're wasting your time.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 13:19

vhungrycaterpillar · 19/04/2023 13:17

I thought you were going to say 21 or something! Definitely get rid, you're wasting your time.

Lol no he's way off that. I guess it's just hard for me because I have BPD and it's like I need him to tell me he doesn't love me for definite rather than the pathetic replies I do get for me to actually leave.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:27

You sound like you run your relationship via diagnoses. Take all of them away. If you have BPD, that's part of who you are. If he has autism, that's part of who he is. You don't need to justify behaviours with diagnoses. They're just labels for what is.

So, dealing with you, as you are, and him, as he is... does this relationship give you what you want? Is it a relationship you would hope for, if you didn't have it? If you were single, and happy enough to stay that way, would this be a relationship that would improve your life? These are yes/no questions. Take away all the stories you're telling about how this is difficult because, or you have trouble with that because. That just means that things are difficult and you're having trouble.

If you take away all the drama and justifications, it looks a lot like he's not feeling like you want him to, and he's hard to talk to. You have a strong bond, but your needs aren't being met.

ruddygreattiger · 19/04/2023 13:28

Don't bother trying yourself in knots trying to figure him out op, he sounds like bloody hard work, who needs that shit?
Focus your time and energy on your dd.

StopStartStop · 19/04/2023 13:31

Get him out of your life and out of your dd's life.
No-one needs to be knowing your baby. Men are for fun outside the home, unless they prove themselves to be really, really unusual ie decent.
This bloke is taking the piss.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/04/2023 13:32

How can you know if you love, if were talking about actual love here, someone only after a year?
It’s such a very short time, you barely know them and what they are about. Who they really are.

Prahdeepx · 19/04/2023 13:38

I once broke up with someone who couldn’t say it after six months. I didn’t like being strung along and I don’t think it takes that long to decide. But I’m a romantic and I actively want love, and I don’t think it has to last forever to be real love. He was obviously more cautious and didn’t see it the same way, he thought you had to be really committed to admit to feeling love. Which was a fundamental disconnect between us.

SpringleDingle · 19/04/2023 13:39

You don’t need him to do anything in order to leave him just because you have BPD (or for any other reason).
You could wait for what he does to be BAD enough for you to decide this time he has finally breached a big enough boundary that you will leave. I’ve done that and always regretted it later. Why didn’t I leave when he first behaved like a bit of an arse instead of waiting for the arse-grande!

Try watching “he’s just not that into you”. I found that helped.

This dude either doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to say it because he is scared or doesn’t want to say it because he enjoys stringing you along and holding this over you. Either way you deserve better. If he doesn’t love you by now he’s not likely to, if he is so commitment phobic he can’t say but hasn’t talked to you about then he’s a really bad communicator or if he enjoys playing games then he is a bad bet.

Ditch now!

HamBone · 19/04/2023 13:43

I think you need to make a decision about what you want from this relationship. If you’re willing to just have fun and know it won’t last long-term, it’s fine; if you want a loving and committed LTR, end it.

If you were both going to fall in love, it would’ve happened by now. Sorry. 💐

Tabby87 · 19/04/2023 14:09

"I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them."

Doomed from the outset. Weird that he CHOSE to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Also that he's told you what an exception he's made despite his low opinion.

NCMum79 · 19/04/2023 14:13

After a year, it's usually obvious to both parties one way or another. I wouldn't put 'needing an answer' down to BPD or anything else, most of us want to know where we stand with someone right? And most of us like to feel we're in-synch with a partner as regards our feelings. Don't waste endless time on someone who isn't sure.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 14:46

NCMum79 · 19/04/2023 14:13

After a year, it's usually obvious to both parties one way or another. I wouldn't put 'needing an answer' down to BPD or anything else, most of us want to know where we stand with someone right? And most of us like to feel we're in-synch with a partner as regards our feelings. Don't waste endless time on someone who isn't sure.

I guess that's true. People regardless of any condition they may have would want to know.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 19/04/2023 14:49

Your priority is your 2 year old, not all this nonsense. Why has he practically moved in and why are you letting him get close to your daughter when he 1. doesn't love you and 2. has only been in your life for a year?

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 14:54

ArcticSkewer · 19/04/2023 14:49

Your priority is your 2 year old, not all this nonsense. Why has he practically moved in and why are you letting him get close to your daughter when he 1. doesn't love you and 2. has only been in your life for a year?

You're right.

And I stay at his more than mine which again isn't ideal at all. He's barely at mine.

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/04/2023 15:12

like I need him to tell me he doesn't love me for definite rather than the pathetic replies I do get for me to actually leave.

OP, but I think he has told you, and I think you know that.

So you have a few options:

*Stay and see if he ever comes around to loving you. But know that constantly nagging about it will likely doom your relationship anyway.

*Leave

*Take a huge step back. Don't break up but stop the quasi-living together and go back to simply dating. Know that he is not ready to make a commitment and act accordingly.

I know that for me I couldn't be happy in a relationship where my feelings weren't reciprocated after a year. But you are the only one who can decide what works for you and what will allow you to find happiness. Good luck.

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 15:54

You're making your two year old stay at your boyfriends house most nights??

It needs to stop and stop immediately. Your child needs the security of her own home. She should NOT be being put through this.

Prioritise your daughter ffs!