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Original poster

My boyfriend does not love me after 1 year. Should I leave?

95 replies

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 12:56

I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them. I am currently seeking therapy but this is something I cannot get my head around and need advice.

I love my boyfriend and we have been together for a year now. I have expressed my love for him since 8 months in. He has never said it back. I asked if he loved me in November and he said he wasn't there yet which I understood. But he said he struggles to "get there fully" because he was worried about the future... I have a 2 year old daughter. Naturally that upset me but it was early days so I brushed it off. We spend a lot of time together now and we stay with each other most nights now, either at my flat or his. Including my daughter who really likes him. We have a really special bond, it's really intimate and we both agree we've never had a relationship like this. He frequently tells me he cares more about me than any other girl he dated, he feels closer with me and he has more feelings for me than any other. However, he dated a girl for 6 months who he's actually friends with and during a random conversation months ago I asked if he'd ever been in love and he said he was "close" to loving her. They barely saw each other and he said she was unsure whether she wanted to be with him or someone who was a Muslim, as she's a muslim herself so naturally that put him off as she was unsure of what she wanted. Naturally I'm a bit confused how his uncertainty about me affected his feelings but not for her? Especially after he frequently tells me all these loving things.

It's now been just over a year and I summoned up the courage to ask again. There had been small hints like when we argued he made a comment "I guess now you're going to say I don't care about you anymore, I don't love you etc" and I replied how can I say you don't love me if you've never expressed it and he said "fair enough".

When I asked him today his response was ~

"I guess when does caring about you a lot become loving you"

I just responded that he knew he was close to loving an ex so he must have a pretty good idea. I just don't know what to do. And then he said this isn't something I can be annoyed at him for. Clearly as someone with BPD and ADHD this doesn't sit well with me and I find him incredible hard to talk to at times. Whether he's got some form of autism I'm not sure but it's a struggle.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 19/04/2023 15:59

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 14:54

You're right.

And I stay at his more than mine which again isn't ideal at all. He's barely at mine.

Show quote history

I think if you prioritise your daughter you will find all this much easier to deal with.

Number 1 priority - her happiness.
For that, she needs a secure base and her mum.

It's not good for her to meet any of your boyfriends until things are really serious.
Personally I would say at a minimum that means you have dated for over a year, they show committment to you and tell you they love you, they are stable, financially secure, emotionally reliable, calm and patient.
At that point .... maybe introduce them. But no overnights or anything too much at that point.

It sounds like you perhaps find it hard to value yourself in relationships. So instead, think of your daughter. Is this person a good role model for her and worthy to be in her life? It might make it easier to walk away from losers.

greenel · 19/04/2023 17:46

Bin the guy (what man makes a mum and young child spend most of their nights at his?? - why have you actually done this??).

He knows he's not in love with you and never will be - there's no new information to learn about you or sign from above that will strike him suddenly and make him feel that way. You can't force it, neither can he. And he's wasting your time because he doesn't even have to leave his home/change his life to accomodate you.

Please do not introduce your little girl to men you aren't extremely serious about (love is just a bare minimum, you should have agreed on the future as well) and please please please do not make her spend nights at a strange house. How confusing for her - she needs stability and security.

LadyJ2023 · 19/04/2023 17:57

Do you seriously want to be with someone who doesnt love you.Cmon get some pride in yourself and walk away you deserve the world and not what you have now.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 18:18

greenel · 19/04/2023 17:46

Bin the guy (what man makes a mum and young child spend most of their nights at his?? - why have you actually done this??).

He knows he's not in love with you and never will be - there's no new information to learn about you or sign from above that will strike him suddenly and make him feel that way. You can't force it, neither can he. And he's wasting your time because he doesn't even have to leave his home/change his life to accomodate you.

Please do not introduce your little girl to men you aren't extremely serious about (love is just a bare minimum, you should have agreed on the future as well) and please please please do not make her spend nights at a strange house. How confusing for her - she needs stability and security.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 19/04/2023 18:57

For some people it's hard to say those words. If he shows you that he cares, acts thoughtfully and responsibly then I would say that he loves you x

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 19:39

@Livelifelaughter Somebody who can't say they love you after a year does not love you.

This guy is clearly playing mind games with the op. Plus he let's a little girl stay at his house nearly all the time rather than prioritising her stability.

He's a loser.

Floralnomad · 19/04/2023 19:50

He’s got it made at the moment , you are at his most nights presumably having an intimate relationship and he’s just stringing you along , I really don’t think you are that self aware or you would have put a stop to this ages ago .

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 20:19

Floralnomad · 19/04/2023 19:50

He’s got it made at the moment , you are at his most nights presumably having an intimate relationship and he’s just stringing you along , I really don’t think you are that self aware or you would have put a stop to this ages ago .

I am alone at mine tonight and will be for the foreseeable. I'm not going to make an effort anymore and I've told him I want to meet him at the weekend to end things. He's on nights at the moment so I'd rather do it in person. I just cannot see a future with someone who does not love me.

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 19/04/2023 20:26

"I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them."

Doomed from the outset. Weird that he CHOSE to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Also that he's told you what an exception he's made despite his low opinion.

I agree with this. It sounds like he uses your BPD as some sort of hold over you. Bleurgh. So you are made to feel somehow beholden to him or as if you should be grateful to him for deciding to be in a relationship with you. The power imbalance is really off (it's very unequal) and it's a toxic set up.

Do you have any professional or personal support, someone you trust who you can talk to about this? I see you are waiting for therapy.

It is completely irrelevant that your daughter seems to like him. She's two! As others have said, she needs a secure, safe, calm, predictable, reliable home with her mother. She most definitely does not need to be spending most nights at the home of a man who is not committed to either her or her mother. How did things slide into this pattern?

Stop going to his house. Stop seeing him altogether. He is not good for you or your daughter. You don't need him to tell you that he doesn't love you to know that. You just need to look at his behaviour. If he told you he loved you but behaved like this, you should still leave.

lkkjhg · 19/04/2023 20:26

You don't need to meet him to end it!

Just tell him it's not working for you and then block him

ClementWeatherToday · 19/04/2023 20:36

I am alone at mine tonight and will be for the foreseeable. I'm not going to make an effort anymore and I've told him I want to meet him at the weekend to end things. He's on nights at the moment so I'd rather do it in person. I just cannot see a future with someone who does not love me.

Noooooooo, don't meet him to end it!!! That's a terrible idea! What good could possibly come of meeting up with someone to tell them you don't want to, um, meet up with them any more - especially when you've already told them that!?

Just message him and say, "On reflection, there's no need for us to meet up. Please box up my things for me to collect for me at X time on Y date and leave them on the step."

Better yet, send a friend to collect them. There is absolutely no need for you to have any more contact with someone who you do not wish to be in a relationship with. Will it benefit your daughter for you to see him in person just so you can break up with him? No, so don't do it.

Make a cuppa, send him a message saying you don't want to see him, drink the cuppa.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 20:48

ClementWeatherToday · 19/04/2023 20:36

I am alone at mine tonight and will be for the foreseeable. I'm not going to make an effort anymore and I've told him I want to meet him at the weekend to end things. He's on nights at the moment so I'd rather do it in person. I just cannot see a future with someone who does not love me.

Noooooooo, don't meet him to end it!!! That's a terrible idea! What good could possibly come of meeting up with someone to tell them you don't want to, um, meet up with them any more - especially when you've already told them that!?

Just message him and say, "On reflection, there's no need for us to meet up. Please box up my things for me to collect for me at X time on Y date and leave them on the step."

Better yet, send a friend to collect them. There is absolutely no need for you to have any more contact with someone who you do not wish to be in a relationship with. Will it benefit your daughter for you to see him in person just so you can break up with him? No, so don't do it.

Make a cuppa, send him a message saying you don't want to see him, drink the cuppa.

He's not a bad person and I couldn't just not speak to him ever again. He's done nothing bad to me and has never intentionally tried to hurt me but clearly if he doesn't love me I know it'll never work. And as much as it hurts me I'm not one to just block someone unless they've done something unforgivable.

My daughter is at her dads at the weekend so I wouldn't be taking her. I know that is not a conversation to have in front of a child.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 19/04/2023 21:33

If he doesn't love you by now OP, the chances of him loving you, despite what he might reassure with, are extremely slim. Don't set such a low bar for yourself.

Jagley · 19/04/2023 21:33

Tabby87 · 19/04/2023 14:09

"I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them."

Doomed from the outset. Weird that he CHOSE to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Also that he's told you what an exception he's made despite his low opinion.

This was my immediate thought. He's not the one for you. Just focus on you and dd.

BounceyB · 19/04/2023 21:41

He can see your vulnerability and the fact you feel deeply and is using it to his own advantage. I was in the exact same position as you a few years ago and I know how it feels. Hugs to you. Be strong and end it.

fruitbrewhaha · 19/04/2023 21:45

ArcticSkewer · 19/04/2023 15:59

I think if you prioritise your daughter you will find all this much easier to deal with.

Number 1 priority - her happiness.
For that, she needs a secure base and her mum.

It's not good for her to meet any of your boyfriends until things are really serious.
Personally I would say at a minimum that means you have dated for over a year, they show committment to you and tell you they love you, they are stable, financially secure, emotionally reliable, calm and patient.
At that point .... maybe introduce them. But no overnights or anything too much at that point.

It sounds like you perhaps find it hard to value yourself in relationships. So instead, think of your daughter. Is this person a good role model for her and worthy to be in her life? It might make it easier to walk away from losers.

Show quote history

Yeah this.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 21:46

BounceyB · 19/04/2023 21:41

He can see your vulnerability and the fact you feel deeply and is using it to his own advantage. I was in the exact same position as you a few years ago and I know how it feels. Hugs to you. Be strong and end it.

I see a few people commenting on the BPD a few times. He didn't know I had BPD because I wasn't diagnosed until 6 months ago. He wouldn't have known as the symptoms don't really appear unless I'm really into someone. It sucks.

BUT... I get what you're saying on this about vulnerability. I give my everything, physically and emotionally so I can see that he was not going to give me his all if he didn't need to. He's never needed to fight for me or question anything.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 19/04/2023 21:49

He sounds like a typical mental health worker. Judgemental.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 21:53

DismantledKing · 19/04/2023 21:49

He sounds like a typical mental health worker. Judgemental.

He's a doctor who worked on a psych ward during his foundation year training. That's where his views came from 😂

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 22:02

If you meet him he will talk you out of it.

You've only been together a year. You don't need to meet him face to face to end it. Nor do you need to stay in contact after. What would you gain from doing so?

He is using his background to manipulate you.

Zerrin13 · 19/04/2023 22:02

Do you think this could have something to do with him being Muslim and you not?

DismantledKing · 19/04/2023 22:03

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 21:53

He's a doctor who worked on a psych ward during his foundation year training. That's where his views came from 😂

Show quote history

Yeah, I know the type. Shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 22:07

Zerrin13 · 19/04/2023 22:02

Do you think this could have something to do with him being Muslim and you not?

No he's not a Muslim. He's a white Catholic. The girl he dated before was Muslim and she was unsure who she wanted to be with. My point on that is he still claimed to almost love her despite her being so unsure, yet when I asked if he loved me a while ago he said he struggles to because he's worried about the future. (Me moving back home miles away)

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 22:10

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 22:02

If you meet him he will talk you out of it.

You've only been together a year. You don't need to meet him face to face to end it. Nor do you need to stay in contact after. What would you gain from doing so?

He is using his background to manipulate you.

It's strange because he never usually fights back. I mentioned about moving back home and there was never a "please stay" he said he was said but thought it'd be good for me because I had no family here. He's very selfless in that sense but surely as my boyfriend you'd make a point of being upset? And naturally I don't take that reaction well. He does not show much emotion but claims to feel it. I and others have made suggestions he may be on the spectrum but I guess because he's very successful as a doctor it's rarely been questioned enough to warrant an investigation.

OP posts:
mafsfan · 19/04/2023 22:15

Your poor 2 year old has 3 places to sleep?! How confusing for her!

You must end it, which you know.

You must not introduce your daughter to anybody for the foreseeable. As crap and lonely as it is, she is your priority and you are putting her in a vulnerable position introducing her to any men, particularly men who you haven't been in a relationship with for very long.