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Original poster

My boyfriend does not love me after 1 year. Should I leave?

95 replies

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 12:56

I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them. I am currently seeking therapy but this is something I cannot get my head around and need advice.

I love my boyfriend and we have been together for a year now. I have expressed my love for him since 8 months in. He has never said it back. I asked if he loved me in November and he said he wasn't there yet which I understood. But he said he struggles to "get there fully" because he was worried about the future... I have a 2 year old daughter. Naturally that upset me but it was early days so I brushed it off. We spend a lot of time together now and we stay with each other most nights now, either at my flat or his. Including my daughter who really likes him. We have a really special bond, it's really intimate and we both agree we've never had a relationship like this. He frequently tells me he cares more about me than any other girl he dated, he feels closer with me and he has more feelings for me than any other. However, he dated a girl for 6 months who he's actually friends with and during a random conversation months ago I asked if he'd ever been in love and he said he was "close" to loving her. They barely saw each other and he said she was unsure whether she wanted to be with him or someone who was a Muslim, as she's a muslim herself so naturally that put him off as she was unsure of what she wanted. Naturally I'm a bit confused how his uncertainty about me affected his feelings but not for her? Especially after he frequently tells me all these loving things.

It's now been just over a year and I summoned up the courage to ask again. There had been small hints like when we argued he made a comment "I guess now you're going to say I don't care about you anymore, I don't love you etc" and I replied how can I say you don't love me if you've never expressed it and he said "fair enough".

When I asked him today his response was ~

"I guess when does caring about you a lot become loving you"

I just responded that he knew he was close to loving an ex so he must have a pretty good idea. I just don't know what to do. And then he said this isn't something I can be annoyed at him for. Clearly as someone with BPD and ADHD this doesn't sit well with me and I find him incredible hard to talk to at times. Whether he's got some form of autism I'm not sure but it's a struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 22:32

mafsfan · 19/04/2023 22:15

Your poor 2 year old has 3 places to sleep?! How confusing for her!

You must end it, which you know.

You must not introduce your daughter to anybody for the foreseeable. As crap and lonely as it is, she is your priority and you are putting her in a vulnerable position introducing her to any men, particularly men who you haven't been in a relationship with for very long.

I know. I've sat here crying over this all evening. I've been wearing rose tinted glasses for months.

I moved up north during lockdown with my ex (daughters father) and we broke up and I have no one here and got attached to someone who clearly was not for me and subsequently lost sight of what was important.

I have ended things over text. His reply to a long message was simple "I do deeply care about you" and I said that that is not enough. 💔

OP posts:
mafsfan · 19/04/2023 22:42

Do you work? Or are you a SAHM at the moment?

Is there anyway you could start to make some friends where you are? Mum friends? Hobby friends? Gym friends? It would be lovely if you could start to build relationships to give you some company and for some support, rather than them being intimate or romantic.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/04/2023 22:44

Well done. I hope you responded with “Oh just fuck off.” How pompous of him - the magnanimity of it, he ‘deeply cares’ - lucky you eh? 🙄

Well done for ending it OP.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 22:45

mafsfan · 19/04/2023 22:42

Do you work? Or are you a SAHM at the moment?

Is there anyway you could start to make some friends where you are? Mum friends? Hobby friends? Gym friends? It would be lovely if you could start to build relationships to give you some company and for some support, rather than them being intimate or romantic.

I don't work but I am a 2nd student paramedic which is full time. I've just had a lot of anxiety over the past few months to the point I couldn't leave the house. (Was never really someone who experienced anxiety until I met him) but maybe I should try find more friends x

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 23:06

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/04/2023 22:44

Well done. I hope you responded with “Oh just fuck off.” How pompous of him - the magnanimity of it, he ‘deeply cares’ - lucky you eh? 🙄

Well done for ending it OP.

Have not even replied. My message even said "please do not say you care about me" because that's all he ever says. He doesn't deserve a response.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 19/04/2023 23:17

You are well rid of him @Foodx123

greenel · 20/04/2023 00:53

Well done! Now you don't have to feel insecure or unloved again. What an emotionally vacant response from him for someone he saw for a year.

As an aside I have learnt the hard way that when a guy only ever tells you 'he cares for you deeply' it means he doesn't love you. Even people on the spectrum can feel love (think you suggested he might be) and can express it.

I had a similar story with an ex. He too told me he wasn't sure he loved me but cared for me deeply. Also said he thought he'd come close to that feeling of love before with a girl he only casually dated - so he was definitely capable of it. Stupidly I stayed for 18 months at which point he started saying it. By that point I was never sure if he said it only because he knew I would leave him if he didn't. We stayed like that for 3 years until he told me he wasn't sure he would marry me (even though he had always said he wanted marriage in general). Finally saw sense and dumped him! To this date I still have no idea if he was ever in real love with me or just cared for me deeply and was passing time till he met a woman he did fall in love with .....Didn't even realise how much it affected my self esteem being in that situation. Good you got out early on, you deserve someone who falls deeply in love with you.

OhwhyOY · 20/04/2023 02:29

I think it's telling that he 'almost' loved his ex - how do you almost love someone? You do or you don't. He sounds emotionally stunted to me, you're well rid. Well done for being brave.

Circumferences · 20/04/2023 03:04

Wow that reply from him is a total wind up. Focus on your career and your daughter. You're worth so much more than that troll.

memoire · 20/04/2023 03:39

Not sure if this is the case but just sharing my experiences:

He could have been stringing you along. The other perspective is that it can be very hard to say "I love you" if the other party is constantly pressuring you to do so from the get go, and always questioning your love and bombarding you with insecure accusations.

I dated a man who acted like that. In the end he broke up with me (and then later begged to get back together..) for not "loving" him. The irony is, if he had just given our relationship a chance to bloom slowly and naturally, I would have told him "I love you" and repeatedly, spontaneously assured him of that fact within months!

Yes a year plus seems like a long time, but the thing is out of that whole time, he had never even given our relationship any breathing or growing space! I did deeply care about him though, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed through all his neediness for a year.

Again not sure if this applies to you though, I just thought it was worth mentioning

memoire · 20/04/2023 03:40

But on the other hand, if he was just stringing you along, then well done on knowing your worth

Pumpling · 20/04/2023 05:39

Spent 7 miserable years with someone like this. Could never say he loved me, and in the end he wouldn't let us live together and I stupidly ended up having a baby right at the end and unsurprisingly he's a crap dad who's never there. If I could turn back time I would've left him within the first year. Absolutely my fault 100% for not leaving him and ending up in a mess. A man who loves you would tell you and would make sure you knew it

Daisydu · 20/04/2023 05:50

Foodx123 · 19/04/2023 12:56

I do have BPD and I am very self aware. My boyfriend is also learning but he has a very negative view on BPD patients having worked with them. I am currently seeking therapy but this is something I cannot get my head around and need advice.

I love my boyfriend and we have been together for a year now. I have expressed my love for him since 8 months in. He has never said it back. I asked if he loved me in November and he said he wasn't there yet which I understood. But he said he struggles to "get there fully" because he was worried about the future... I have a 2 year old daughter. Naturally that upset me but it was early days so I brushed it off. We spend a lot of time together now and we stay with each other most nights now, either at my flat or his. Including my daughter who really likes him. We have a really special bond, it's really intimate and we both agree we've never had a relationship like this. He frequently tells me he cares more about me than any other girl he dated, he feels closer with me and he has more feelings for me than any other. However, he dated a girl for 6 months who he's actually friends with and during a random conversation months ago I asked if he'd ever been in love and he said he was "close" to loving her. They barely saw each other and he said she was unsure whether she wanted to be with him or someone who was a Muslim, as she's a muslim herself so naturally that put him off as she was unsure of what she wanted. Naturally I'm a bit confused how his uncertainty about me affected his feelings but not for her? Especially after he frequently tells me all these loving things.

It's now been just over a year and I summoned up the courage to ask again. There had been small hints like when we argued he made a comment "I guess now you're going to say I don't care about you anymore, I don't love you etc" and I replied how can I say you don't love me if you've never expressed it and he said "fair enough".

When I asked him today his response was ~

"I guess when does caring about you a lot become loving you"

I just responded that he knew he was close to loving an ex so he must have a pretty good idea. I just don't know what to do. And then he said this isn't something I can be annoyed at him for. Clearly as someone with BPD and ADHD this doesn't sit well with me and I find him incredible hard to talk to at times. Whether he's got some form of autism I'm not sure but it's a struggle.

Didn’t need to Read your full post. Get rid now. If he doesn’t love you after a whole year then he ain’t worth another second of your time

Ishouldbeoutside · 20/04/2023 05:54

mafsfan · 19/04/2023 22:15

Your poor 2 year old has 3 places to sleep?! How confusing for her!

You must end it, which you know.

You must not introduce your daughter to anybody for the foreseeable. As crap and lonely as it is, she is your priority and you are putting her in a vulnerable position introducing her to any men, particularly men who you haven't been in a relationship with for very long.

This

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/04/2023 06:23

Don't let your BPD get the blame for your boyfriend being a dick. I have BPD too; I don't really understand how you could get involved with someone who has 'negative views' on BPF in the first place? Surely if he's worked with them he should have a better understanding?

He's keeping you hanging on by the promise of love in the future. You and your daughter deserve far better.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/04/2023 06:27

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/04/2023 13:32

How can you know if you love, if were talking about actual love here, someone only after a year?
It’s such a very short time, you barely know them and what they are about. Who they really are.

DH and I told each other we loved each other within 3 weeks of meeting. Blush

We're now 4 years down the line and just as in love as we were then.

gerbilcrocus · 20/04/2023 07:18

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/04/2023 13:32

How can you know if you love, if were talking about actual love here, someone only after a year?
It’s such a very short time, you barely know them and what they are about. Who they really are.

How can anyone ever "know"'if they're in love after one year, two years, 10 years?...

You're getting tied up in trying to reconcile fantasy Disney notions of "true love" with an analytical rationale, which is just going to lead down blind alleys.

gerbilcrocus · 20/04/2023 07:24

OhwhyOY · 20/04/2023 02:29

I think it's telling that he 'almost' loved his ex - how do you almost love someone? You do or you don't. He sounds emotionally stunted to me, you're well rid. Well done for being brave.

I think it could be due to society's portrayal of love as a perfect romantic connection free from any doubts or concerns where you are 100% certain that they are your soulmate and that it will last forever.

The people who express they are "in love"'in this way tend not to be analytical in their feelings, they let the feelings "rule". Someone who is analytical in their approach understands their relationship doesn't live up to this perfect "ideal" and believes they aren't in love as a result.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 20/04/2023 12:39

He's kept apologising and telling me that he wants me and misses me, doesn't want things to end. I asked him why he doesn't love me and he said he "can't put his finger on it" and then I asked if he's actually ever been in love before and he said no. (He's 30) So starting to think this is an issue with him, not me. I think he feels that to love someone your relationship must be perfect and clearly that's not true. You guys are right, he seems emotionally stunted and I don't think his parents shower each other love in front of him. He said he has very deep feelings for me but I am sticking to my guns and leaving it where it is. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 20/04/2023 13:23

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/04/2023 06:23

Don't let your BPD get the blame for your boyfriend being a dick. I have BPD too; I don't really understand how you could get involved with someone who has 'negative views' on BPF in the first place? Surely if he's worked with them he should have a better understanding?

He's keeping you hanging on by the promise of love in the future. You and your daughter deserve far better.

I didn't know until months later. He told me that everyone on the ward who committed suicide had BPD and that the ones he met were insane and didn't want to be helped and don't want to change who they are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 20/04/2023 13:25

memoire · 20/04/2023 03:39

Not sure if this is the case but just sharing my experiences:

He could have been stringing you along. The other perspective is that it can be very hard to say "I love you" if the other party is constantly pressuring you to do so from the get go, and always questioning your love and bombarding you with insecure accusations.

I dated a man who acted like that. In the end he broke up with me (and then later begged to get back together..) for not "loving" him. The irony is, if he had just given our relationship a chance to bloom slowly and naturally, I would have told him "I love you" and repeatedly, spontaneously assured him of that fact within months!

Yes a year plus seems like a long time, but the thing is out of that whole time, he had never even given our relationship any breathing or growing space! I did deeply care about him though, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed through all his neediness for a year.

Again not sure if this applies to you though, I just thought it was worth mentioning

Yeah I get that. I asked him at 7 months and again at 12. Always said I loved him from 7 months and never expected anything back or pushed him. Just wish he'd been open. He now claims he's never been in love so I guess that's a different situation.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 13:30

Time won’t make any difference, run for the hills.

Foodx123 · 20/04/2023 14:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ArcticSkewer · 20/04/2023 14:05

You should focus on raising your daughter

tailinthejam · 20/04/2023 14:27

Foodx123 · 20/04/2023 13:23

I didn't know until months later. He told me that everyone on the ward who committed suicide had BPD and that the ones he met were insane and didn't want to be helped and don't want to change who they are.

Show quote history

Bloody hell.😮 What in God's name is he doing in that job with that attitude towards people suffering with mental health problems?

You really really do not want to be in a relationship with someone like that.