My dad resents me...very hurt!

[malificent7]

So my dad can't offer me any help for my wedding. Fair enough....it's not his perogative but it's his reasoning that hurt. Apparently I cost him a lot more than my sister when growing up. When I was 19 years old I suffered a breakdown, eating disorder and had to be sectioned. He paid my rent till I got back on my feet.
I am very grateful but the doctors thought i'd never recover/ die etc.

I went on to teach and now work full time in a rewarding and demanding job, having gained a 1st in my chosen subject. But I've never had it easy...I was a single mum etc.
My dad told me I only got 99% in one of the modules as the exam must have been too easy!

He is never going to be ok with me being ill as a young woman is he?

Now I am doing better he keeps yndermining me and making comments about how I'd be earning more now if i had stayed in teaching since I was a young woman ( i found teaching unsustainable).

I don't want his money tbh...I do just want him to be proud of me for not only recovering from a near fatal illness, but thriving to boot.

Undermining*

Just want to add that my fiance is amazing but I had a fair few abusive relationships before him.

Just because he said he couldn't afford to pay towards your wedding because he supported you financially when you were younger doesn't mean he resents you? Surely it's just a statement of fact? And to make things fair to your sister?

Maybe it is. He didn't really want to help my sister either but my mum made him. His perogative though.

I disagree with the poster above. I don’t think that any of the comments you’ve listed from your dad are OK. You had a serious medical issue as a young woman, this is the risk we take when we decide to become parents. It’s not a burden to look after a sick child, it’s a responsibility.

Your dad sounds undermining, passive aggressive and I can see why you are hurt. Like everyone who hurts others, he probably has his own issues that he’s dealing with. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about this?

I know he's not obliged to contribute, but he just sounds like he's being a bit mean to me and looking for an excuse to not contribute, so I'd be looking to distance myself from him if I were you.

Will he be expecting to give you away?

Sounds like a typical narcissist!. My mum is the same. Best thing I ever did was to go very low contact.

My sister has offered to give me away so I will take her up on her offer...she thinks he is being an arse too.
He could have just said " I can't afford to help" and that would have been fine. Or even " I don't want to help with the wedding."

But using my past as a stick to beat me with cut deep tbh.

Hi OP, I actually think that there are two separate issues here. Your Dad can be hurtful, and his comments are unnecessarily cruel. As a PP has said I think you'd benefit speaking to someone about this, along side your past abusive relationships and what you went through as a young woman.
However, your Dad's money is his to do with as he pleases and I honestly think contributing to a wedding is a little outdated. As you mentioned he has helped you financially previously and also your sister. As a PP also mentioned, he may be trying to be fair, and to contribute to your wedding would mean inevitably giving more to your sister at some point. The pot may only stretch so far.
I think also, sadly, it's a generational thing, and perhaps he struggles with emotions regarding what you went through, hence the callous comments, because he doesn't fully understand possibly, not that that's an excuse or makes you feel any better.

What an awful man.. I’m so sorry.

I also have a dad who loves to crush my self esteem by pointing out all my failures and life’s errors and how much he’s had to be there for me in the past (which isn’t much especially considering I’m his flesh and blood). That’s his job in his mind.. to keep you grounded, to keep you questioning his love, to keep you needing his approval, to keep you under the thumb.. some dads are just great at it! It’s an awful cycle of parental abuse.

Dont take a penny from him, keep him at arms length (low contact) and ‘give’ yourself away at the wedding.. best thing I ever did!

I agree with @Humanswarm , there’s two separate issues here.

What he said to you was awful and very hurtful. Money-wise, though, he’s entitled not to contribute anything on your wedding if he doesn’t want to.

My parents gave me £200 towards my wedding over 20 years ago and DH’s gave him few hundred. Even back then, people were generally expected to pay for their own weddings.

Just drop him, bin him off 🗑️🚮
he's just another narcissist isn't he🤷

Ah I've got a dad like that.

Or more accurately i reacted to my dad like you.

Over the years I built up an whole narrative in my head that he resented me and was not proud of me (refused to pay a penny for anything beyond GCSEs because I should have gone and got a job as a secretary and paid my way in the world - like he had to.)

Fine I thought and paid my own way through A-levels and university. I did pretty well and went on to a very high paying and successful career.

I never let go of that resentment, it hurt but I wove it into a whole I'm not good enough bollocks narrative because I just wanted his approval.

My dads got advanced dementia now and thinks I'm 18 most of the time and tells me how proud he is of me, that he can't believe what I've achieved and that he wishes he could afford to give me everything. I could go down the route of too late buster but actually I'm glad that at least I know he was proud.

The point I'm making is that I suspect your dad is not the all bad - though feeling like he is is totally normal. And he certainly won't have meant to cause the upset he has. If he's anything like mine he'll be of a generation who are not the best at communicating with daughters.

Focus on what he did do for you - he supported you financially when you were ill. He's critical and not perfect but don't let that build up a resentment in you.

Just let it go. He's not going to change, but you can change how you react.

I agree with this poster, how long was he paying rent etc for you? Was this when you were very young or also over the time you became a single parent?
What makes you think his not agreeing to paying for your wedding is solely about you're being unwell?

Your not you're!

@Shannith That’s so sad that he was possibly proud of you all along, but perhaps too inhibited to tell you. At least he finally does.

My Dad isn’t as extreme, but has always been pretty negative about my achievements , everyone else does better. Recently though he said I’d done well with my life (I’m 48), I nearly fell off my chair!

My dad won't contribute as much to my wedding as he did to my sister's because.... | Mumsnet

I thought I'd read about this before, last week. Turns out it was December.

OP, your dad is nasty.

I don't have any advice but wanted to give you these . Be proud of yourself and what you have achieved. It it makes you happy to have your sister or someone else give you away do that. It's not uncommon these days for brides to walk themselves down the aisle and if you want to do that do it with your head held high.

At least he did support you when you were Ill, I had an eating disorder in my early teens neither of my parents noticed my school was more concerned than them. My father would never have given me a penny for my wedding he refused to make a speech so I did one instead you need to have no expectations of him then you will find it less upsetting xx enjoy your wedding your way

I'm so sorry Shortbread...that is awful.

Actually reading back your initial post on this in December? How is this not resolved in your mind yet? I think there are bigger issues at play here. The two posts read very differently.

I don't know why it"s nor resolved...i probably need therapy.

He sounds awful. No parent is obliged to give money towards a wedding but it’s completely unforgivable to make a child feel like they’re a burden for things that are outside their control - ie mental or physical illness.

Because there is a situation where it would be ok not to help your 19yo dc financially during the time they are sectioned.???
(assuming you can afford it, which he clearly could..)

See the OP
When I was 19 years old I suffered a breakdown, eating disorder and had to be sectioned. He paid my rent till I got back on my feet.

@malificent7 you have a traumatic history. You've done incredibly well.

You need to be proud of yourself and let go of the desire that your dad properly appreciates you. That's a relic of childhood, I'd say. I mean, I still do too, but need to let it go.

Constantly trying to win with someone who has no idea what game you are playing or what the rules are will only hurt you both.

I hope that doesn't sound dismissive- and indeed I've probably read too much into your posts from my own experiences so ignore me if it doesn't resonate!

It’s not resolved because it’s hurtful.

And I suspect he has been hurtful in one way or the other for many many years. The stuff with the wedding is another attack, another reminder that you weren’t good enough in his eyes etc…

Therapy might be a good idea.
So is taking your distance from your dad and not expecting anything from him (which is basically what he told you anyway).
Dont involve him in any shape or form in the wedding. Have your dsister giving you away. Prepare the wedding your way, with who you want.

Carry on living your life and making yourself proud. Proud of how far you’ve come. Proud of what you have achieve, the obstacles you have overcome. Be proud of yourself - for yourself.
Unfortunately , I doubt you’ll manage to make him proud - whatever his reasons are.