My dad resents me...very hurt!

[malificent7]

So my dad can't offer me any help for my wedding. Fair enough....it's not his perogative but it's his reasoning that hurt. Apparently I cost him a lot more than my sister when growing up. When I was 19 years old I suffered a breakdown, eating disorder and had to be sectioned. He paid my rent till I got back on my feet.
I am very grateful but the doctors thought i'd never recover/ die etc.

I went on to teach and now work full time in a rewarding and demanding job, having gained a 1st in my chosen subject. But I've never had it easy...I was a single mum etc.
My dad told me I only got 99% in one of the modules as the exam must have been too easy!

He is never going to be ok with me being ill as a young woman is he?

Now I am doing better he keeps yndermining me and making comments about how I'd be earning more now if i had stayed in teaching since I was a young woman ( i found teaching unsustainable).

I don't want his money tbh...I do just want him to be proud of me for not only recovering from a near fatal illness, but thriving to boot.

He is just telling u that the money for yr wedding was spent on getting u well, nothing wrong with that.

If it was just about that, he wouldn’t also spend a lot of time and effort undermining the OP and telling her she should have done X and Y etc…

The ‘I’ve paid your rent when you were in hospital’ is just an excuse. I’m surprised some posters are falling for that tbh. Maybe I’ve seen too much of that sort of behaviour in my own family.

@malificent7 I really think you do. It would help you immensely to give less head space to this. It will also help you to process and move on from all you've been through and begin to be proud of yourself. Because I can't help feeling you're projecting too a little, and actually, you should be proud of all you've achieved.
Your Dad is your Dad, I have a Mum very similar, and it took me a long time to realise that, how my Mum sees me doesn't define me.
In the meantime, focus on your wedding plans, and enjoy your day. It's deserved.

i agree with this, it sounds like he's just being honest with you about the money.

I’m so sorry you went through this but your dad sounds like a total Narc!

do you find yourself dancing to his tune and tip going around stuff and trying to get his approval all the time? If so - that’s not a healthy dynamic.

what’s he like with your mum and sister - do they make excuses for his behaviour as well?

honestly I’d stop sharing my life with him and go very low contact and google the grey rock technique.

he’d certainly not be giving me away at my wedding or making any speeches.

My sister thinks he's awful and being a complete dick! She wants to walk me down the isle. I'm thinking of eloping instead now...so much drama!

So, stop allowing it to be drama. Change your mindset. Accept there will never no financial assistance for your wedding. That's fine.
And then make decisions for your wedding, such as who will walk you down the aisle yourself. Don't be drawn into arguments about it. And express to your Dad, that, if that's an issue, he can not attend.
If he is covertly narcissistic, the more you fight these battles with him, discuss it with family, change your plans, the more you're feeding those narc tendencies.
But honestly, this doesn't have to be so big. If you just try to change the mindset here and focus on the good..ie, you're getting married, to someone you adore, and whom adores you, I assume. Beyond that, who cares?

How long did he pay your rent for and how much was it in total? Did he also support you when you became a single mum? It sounds like he wanted to give you a honest reason why he can’t financially contribute to your wedding instead of saying ‘I don’t want to.’

When I was pregnant and single, I moved in for 6 months and paid rent and most stuff. He did contribute to some baby stuff but i bought most.
I moved out at 6 months and paid my own rent etc.
He is a fantastic granddad to dd so I can't complain on that front.

I am not going to lie, I was a complete mess as a young woman. I caused him and my mum much stress. But I really was ill. I had emdr for ptsd and my life changed. Despite all this, I have tried to work and make a living. I have not been the best with cash, and dad has always been very sensible so he's probably frustrated with that.

He is being a dick making the hurtful comments, but making a financial contribution to your wedding is a separate issue. No one can expect their parents to pay towards their wedding, it’s your event!

It might be better to elope and do it cheaply. You can save up and have a celebratory party when you can afford it.

He's been awful bringing your illness up but it does sound like you got quite a bit of support financial and otherwise as a young adult so maybe he feels that you've a) gotten your fair share versus your sister and b) worries that you won't be sensible with any money he gives you since by your own admission you aren't good with money.

This! You had a mental breakdown and he’s holding it against you. Disgusting man.