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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants sex every night and I don’t.

61 replies

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 10:18

He seems to need it to sleep and I don’t. I have a 5 month old so permanently tired but even without every night was too much.

He is happy to sort himself out and he takes a no as a no from me. I don’t feel pressure but I’m concerned this will come between us. There’s nothing wrong with him or me. I’m happy to try and up my antics and meet in the middle. Do you think this is doomed to fail? I’m 40 and he is 33.

OP posts:
Theonlywayisup1 · 19/04/2023 10:45

Is it his baby?

Humanswarm · 19/04/2023 11:06

@Theonlywayisup1 what has that to do with the OPs post?
OP you say he's understanding, so perhaps a frank conversation? Explain your worries. It's likely to change again once baby arrives..and you can't let this worry cloud what should be a beautiful time.

Congratulations btw

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 11:08

Yes it’s his and baby is already 5 months old.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 11:08

Why would it be doomed to fail? It sounds like you can communicate well about it and that’s the main thing. You may be more up for it more often as your baby gets older and easier.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2023 11:09

The only thing that will make it fail is you putting pressure on yourself to do something you are too tired to do and make sex part of your to do list.

Every night is (whilst fine and normal for some) outside of the average for a couple with child(ren). So you need to communicate with him that you don’t want to lose the intimacy or it come between you.

the fact he isnt pressuring and is happy to sort himself out and you are happy with this should be enough

Humanswarm · 19/04/2023 11:12

Sorry OP I somehow read that as you were 5 months pregnant..that's a fail for me multitasking!

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 11:20

Cool yes he doesn’t get annoyed currently. We probably have miss matched levels. I do think his is high but then he is still young. I tell him I can give him more work to tire him out as he obviously has too much energy! He just says he finds it hard to sleep without it. I don’t want him to confuse intimacy for necessity.

OP posts:
illtakeit · 19/04/2023 11:22

He needs it to sleep? Every night? No consideration that you have a 5 month old and you're be tired?

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 11:23

@illtakeit thats what I find odd. I’ve been quite ill this past week, on antibiotics and he still asks. Surely he’d see that I would want to sleep and don’t feel up to that.

OP posts:
MeiMeiSushi · 19/04/2023 11:24

I'd be telling him since he can't sleep anyway he can be on the night shift to look after the 5 month old.

He can always service himself if he needs it to sleep.

GlowingUpTheHardWay · 19/04/2023 11:59

He's putting his needs before yours- the fact that he's asking when you're clearly ill is a bit of a red flag for me. Clearly he likes sex and there's nothing wrong with that- but he should have the emotional intelligence to know that sometimes it's just not appropriate to ask for sex. How soon after you'd given birth was he asking for sex? What's he like in other aspects of life?

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 12:08

He is really sweet but he is not the best at judging emotions. Close friends have said he potentially is Autistic or has ADHD. He gets emotionally attached to things and can throw nothing away. He has kept everything he has ever owned really since he was a teenager. He is never angry or manipulative he just lacks impulse. Eg he sees something and needs to buy it when he doesn’t need it at all. He is a good guy.

OP posts:
GlowingUpTheHardWay · 19/04/2023 12:19

Hmm... that adds a bit more context but it's taking me into areas I don't know much about so not best placed to advise. Your house must be super full of stuff he can't throw anything away! Is it definitely neurodiversity or is he a hoarder for emotional reasons?

gannett · 19/04/2023 12:52

There's an element of making a problem where there isn't one. He doesn't pressure you and doesn't sulk, just asks and is content with your answer. I also wondered why he kept asking but your update explains it a bit, I feel.

The important thing is to keep communicating well. If you're worried about a hypothetical problem down the line it's fine to bring that up and talk it through so you can be reassured. If you'd like him to stop asking for sex every night - even if he respects your answer every time - it's fine for you to ask that. Just keep talking.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 13:00

@gannett yes he really doesn’t put the pressure on and it’s annoying when he wants to and I’m like really I’m sick, haven’t slept can’t stop coughing. But I know it’s not for any bad reasons, it doesn’t feel abusive at all. He simply can’t read the situation. He would probably get upset if I told him it upsets me at times. He is sweet and I don’t want to upset him so just chalk it up to him being wired slightly different that’s all.

OP posts:
mangosaregreat · 19/04/2023 13:03

I have a high sex drive, dh isn't as high as mine. Been together 14 years, I would have sex 7 times a week and it still won't be enough for me. I'm not going to cheat on my dh just cos we don't have sex as much as I'd like and I'm sure your partner won't cheat on you. You said he's happy to sort him self out, which is great. It's hard with a baby, but life does get better, when baby is sleeping through and your less tired I'm sure you don't believe right now that will happen but it will. You partner loves you and wants to be with you.

SkyandSurf · 19/04/2023 13:05

It's a bit gross and off putting that he's framing it as 'needing it to sleep' rather than any kind of intimacy or emotional connection.

rookiemere · 19/04/2023 13:05

Has he always wanted sex every night or is this a recent thing ?

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, you need to have a talk with him when you're not both in bed . Let him know that his expectations of sex every night are no longer realistic now you have a baby. Agree a frequency that is acceptable to you, but also point out that you can say No if you're not feeling well .

DoesItHaveKosovo · 19/04/2023 13:10

SkyandSurf · 19/04/2023 13:05

It's a bit gross and off putting that he's framing it as 'needing it to sleep' rather than any kind of intimacy or emotional connection.

This also stood out to me. It’s a perfectly normal feeling to want that release before sleep, but that phrasing is a bit grim and makes you seem like an object to service him.

monsteramunch · 19/04/2023 13:17

SkyandSurf · 19/04/2023 13:05

It's a bit gross and off putting that he's framing it as 'needing it to sleep' rather than any kind of intimacy or emotional connection.

Yeah I agree this is pretty icky.

And hardly likely to get someone in the mood.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 13:21

yes I feel that it’s not me thats turning him on really and I just help him. He has framed it to me that “do you want in”. Like it’s happening regardless so what’s it got to do with me.

OP posts:
DoesItHaveKosovo · 19/04/2023 15:44

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 13:21

yes I feel that it’s not me thats turning him on really and I just help him. He has framed it to me that “do you want in”. Like it’s happening regardless so what’s it got to do with me.

I’d bin him off, then, unless you really think he’d change his behaviour after a discussion.

incidentally, new fathers should also be tired. What does he do around the house and with the baby? Are chores and boring shit equally shared?

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 15:48

He would probably get upset if I told him it upsets me at times. He is sweet and I don’t want to upset him so just chalk it up to him being wired slightly different that’s all

Hang on. You don't tell him you're upset because it would upset him? Do you think that's fair? You end up staying upset, and he's fine, and you're not telling him the truth, and using a secret, unprofessional diagnosis to excuse him. Can you see how unhealthy this is?

Tell him how you feel. If he can't handle it, he's not your guy.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:26

What I meant was it would make him sad to think it he hurts me unintentionally. I’m the one who adds the negative to the feeling. I know he isn’t doing it out of anywhere bad. I’m happy to tell him no and he responds absolutely fine to it. He doesn’t see an orgasm the same way as me, I’m much more emotional. I just wondered if being mis matched would mean we were doomed. But all I can ask I guess is that he respects my no, which he does. That and to tell him to stop asking every day, he’s opportunistic though like a lot of men I suppose.

OP posts:
illtakeit · 19/04/2023 16:31

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:26

What I meant was it would make him sad to think it he hurts me unintentionally. I’m the one who adds the negative to the feeling. I know he isn’t doing it out of anywhere bad. I’m happy to tell him no and he responds absolutely fine to it. He doesn’t see an orgasm the same way as me, I’m much more emotional. I just wondered if being mis matched would mean we were doomed. But all I can ask I guess is that he respects my no, which he does. That and to tell him to stop asking every day, he’s opportunistic though like a lot of men I suppose.

OP your husband seems like a special one. His behavior is strange in a nice, weird way. I think his friends we're right about the diagnosis. I don't know what else to say. If there's no problem then just leave it at that. If in future it becomes a problem then you can tackle then.

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