My partner wants sex every night and I don’t.

[Differentneeds]

He seems to need it to sleep and I don’t. I have a 5 month old so permanently tired but even without every night was too much.

He is happy to sort himself out and he takes a no as a no from me. I don’t feel pressure but I’m concerned this will come between us. There’s nothing wrong with him or me. I’m happy to try and up my antics and meet in the middle. Do you think this is doomed to fail? I’m 40 and he is 33.

Sounds good.

If he knows that you're not currently wanting sex nightly, he shouldn't be asking you every bloody night... He needs to back off and let you initiate. He might get more /better sex that way, and you won't be pestered.

Sex thing aside, you sound like his mother, not his wife/partner.

You’re making constant excuses for his behaviour and trying to manage his feelings and expectations, while taking hurtful shit from him because ‘he doesn’t understand’.

It’s like you have a weirdly oversexed teenager and a five month old baby, both of which you need to ‘settle’ to sleep. And it feels gross.

Wife of a diagnosed high functioning autistic man here (originally diagnosed with aspergers back in the day)
A lot of what you're saying rings bells for me.
The lack of social insight, the analytical view on emotive questions, the doing things "because it's what you do isn't it?".

It's a double edged blade at times. I love DH to death, but some days when his autism seems to be set to high I could cheerfully murder him.

One thing we've found over the years is straigh, no nonsense conversations save a lot of emotional heartache.

So rather than saying "anyone can tell I'm not feeling up to having sex/going out/ dealing with your mates coming around (insert thing that most people would know instinctual here)"
I say " Normally yes, however I've had 2 hours sleep/been sick/have to fo xyz tomorrow. So I need sleep to recover"
Basically I'm factual, I can't do x because of y.

It works for us. I totally get the he would be mortified if he thought you felt pressured thing as well. Mines the same. Doesn't occur to them that not everyone's in the same headrace at the same time.

OP, I’ve no advice but i just wanted to say you sound such a lovely and understating person. It gives me hope that people like yourself are out there and my autistic children won’t spend life alone

Understanding*

I posted a similar threat back in February about my dh wanting sex all the time, the whole situation was causing me stress and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. Went on for around 6 months.

In the end I had a frank discussion with him about how it had rewired how I felt about sex and I told him to back off or the situation would get worse. I felt a bit mean but I told him not to ask me for sex at all anymore , and that if I wanted it then I would initiate it ( if he didn't want it that would be fine but I've never known him say no).

He listened to me and hasn't asked for it since. After a few weeks something in my head changed and I no longer saw sex as a pressure and started to enjoy it again, as a result we actually have it a lot more now ( about 3 times a week). He is happy with the situation as am I.

It seemed harsh at the time but has got us back on track. He still doesn't ask for sex and I no longer feel pressured. It really had built up to something awful and we both knew something had to be done before we got to the point of no return.

@Ames85 awwww thanks. He has many great qualities. I don’t want to change him it’s makes him who he is. I’m by no means perfect either but as a whole I’d like to think I’m worth it also. He has a great mum who has never made him feel any different.

Keep on top of the hoarding. What works here are questions like

What do you think it will be useful for?
Could we get another one if we needed to?
Have we ready got one?

Mine had a nice stack of daily train tickets that he thought 'the kids might be able to play with one day'.

I have to point out that you can't keep everything, suggest a one in, one out policy, ask where we will keep it or various other questions on a regular basis.

I don't tell him what to do. I do ask him to think about what he does.

You may also need to get used to being far blunter than feels polite- he is unlikely to take offence.
I don't want to have sex because it helps you go to sleep. It makes me feel like a Fleshlight. I want to have sex because we want to spend time with each other and bond (or whatever sex means to you).

@pickledandpuzzled at the moment I’m having trouble understanding why he needs all his possessions out all the time. He has clothes in his wardrobe from decades ago that he can’t wear. I can’t fit in the clothes he does wear. Ive said let’s put them in a box and keep them in the loft but he wants them in the wardrobe full stop. What can I do to help him. We literally don’t have the space for everything he has ever owned.

Can he cope with chatting about it without getting tense? My approach is that I'd like to understand how he thinks about x,y,z and see whether there is a way that works better for us.

So clothes for example, I'd state the problem-
I feel like we don't have enough room.
We'd have more room if we keep the clothes we can wear in the wardrobe, and the ones we don't wear in boxes (perhaps still in the wardrobe).
Eventually the boxes may be able to leave the house, via a spell in the attic or garage.

Have you tried, 'these would be really useful to someone who needs them/can fit in them/can recycle/repurpose them.'?

Word of warning, over time managing these kinds of situations can feel a bit like being a carer/parent, and can kill the romance/sex drive!

A social story about it would provide context. With a child you'd write one that describes matter of factly how sometimes our old clothes don't work very well anymore because they are shabby/the wrong size/worn out. We buy new clothes. The cupboard gets full and we put the old clothes in a box etc etc.

Look up social stories, it helps to get a feel for the kind of logical non judgemental language that explains difficult situations.