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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants sex every night and I don’t.

61 replies

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 10:18

He seems to need it to sleep and I don’t. I have a 5 month old so permanently tired but even without every night was too much.

He is happy to sort himself out and he takes a no as a no from me. I don’t feel pressure but I’m concerned this will come between us. There’s nothing wrong with him or me. I’m happy to try and up my antics and meet in the middle. Do you think this is doomed to fail? I’m 40 and he is 33.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:35

I think his parents know something was up but never took it anywhere or got a diagnosis. His mum has told me to just be patient with him. For example not to push him too hard to throw things away. It feels easy to me but it really isn’t to him. Instead I try and help organise what he has or throw it secretly and he never notices.

OP posts:
illtakeit · 19/04/2023 16:41

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:35

I think his parents know something was up but never took it anywhere or got a diagnosis. His mum has told me to just be patient with him. For example not to push him too hard to throw things away. It feels easy to me but it really isn’t to him. Instead I try and help organise what he has or throw it secretly and he never notices.

It's not too late to get help. Maybe you can gently suggest it to him. I can see the hoarding spiraling to be honest. How big is your house?

He gonna accumulate quite a lot of things in his lifetime if he never throws anything away and buys impulsively.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:54

Yeah it’s getting pretty full. He has kept everything pretty much, including envelopes and cards and packaging. I get frustrated with him but he sees no issue. We are busy fixing the garage and I’ve said you can do what you want with that but the house is not getting full. His problem is lack of organisation so I’m helping him put things together so he doesn’t buy more trying to find where he’s out the original item.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 16:54

*Put

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 19/04/2023 16:55

Humanswarm · 19/04/2023 11:06

@Theonlywayisup1 what has that to do with the OPs post?
OP you say he's understanding, so perhaps a frank conversation? Explain your worries. It's likely to change again once baby arrives..and you can't let this worry cloud what should be a beautiful time.

Congratulations btw

She said she has a 5mth old not expecting 🤔 or have I missed something.

mackthepony · 19/04/2023 16:56

Make him wash the sheets every morning, that'll slow him down

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 17:05

He sounds like an immature and oversexed teenager, not a father of a five month old. He pesters you for sex each night,dashes off for a wank if you say no, can’t judge emotions, makes no acknowledgment of your illness or tiredness from the baby and being ill…

He sounds very juvenile and irritating. How can someone like this be genuinely supportive?

gemloving · 19/04/2023 17:05

Are there actual people in long term relationship who have sex every day?

Most people have sex once a week who have young DC or at least the people I know. I noticed people on here seem to be doing it loads all the time and you're crazy if you don't. We have two young DC, I'm pregnant so maybe once twice a week, after baby is born nothing happens for a while and then it settles back to once a week ish.

We've been together 12 years.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/04/2023 17:28

There’s a whole thread on here about being partnered with someone on the AS, so that’s worth a look.

I don’t think it’s doomed, but there’s quite a lot of grapple with (what with the hoarding) but it sounds like you communicate well. You need to talk to him about reading basic signals and noticing when you are ill, or you will get really pissed off. You also might want to consider how you organise sex going forward, because being asked every night even when you’d well could be annoying. When generally suits you? Talk to him about that.

Oblomov23 · 19/04/2023 17:36

How long have you been together. Why did you have a child with someone that you are so mismatched with?

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 17:43

Differentneeds · 19/04/2023 13:21

yes I feel that it’s not me thats turning him on really and I just help him. He has framed it to me that “do you want in”. Like it’s happening regardless so what’s it got to do with me.

Oh, that's grim, and I can totally see why you feel that way. I'd talk to him, say what you have said here, see what he says.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2023 17:51

A partnership isn’t one person putting their needs to the backburner and prioritising another fir fear of upsetting their partner.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 17:57

Seems like if you have a feeling that's different to his, he just dismisses it, is that right?

SleepyHedgehog · 19/04/2023 18:33

Alternative perspective here!
Overall it sounds like you are absolutely not doomed. If he really does have some ASD traits it is likely he sees this very factually without the social connotations of sex. Try replacing the word sex with the words cup of tea.
I imagine he's thinking 'I always like a cup of tea before going to sleep, my wife sometimes likes tea too, I'll ask her, if she doesn't want the tea right now I'll just have one myself'.
If the asking upsets you, tell him and tell him how often he should ask, he will likely follow the 'rule'. Not very spontaneous but a happy compromise.
Enjoy your baby and your DH, I hope you feel better soon. DOI I'm female without autism.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 20/04/2023 07:41

@Watchkeys no he doesn’t dismiss my feelings. He tries very hard to understand. Eg when I told him I was sad about something he bought me flowers and said I brought you these as that’s what you do when someone is sad isn’t it. I can see he finds it difficult but he is trying.I love him, my feelings don’t override his or visa versa. When I ask him questions like do I look fat in this he will answer with an honest answer. I’ve told him that in certain situations it’s ok to lie but he doesn’t really understand. He doesn’t answer to be rude he literally thinks you’re asking for an answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentneeds · 20/04/2023 07:42

@SleepyHedgehog it feels very much like he’s asking for a cup of tea. The way he doesn’t get angry or expect it I’m pretty sure he thinks about it differently at that point.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 10:02

I’ve told him that in certain situations it’s ok to lie but he doesn’t really understand

But you're not 'right'. I disagree with you there, as does your partner, clearly. The fact that he won't lie when you tell him to doesn't mean he doesn't understand; it means he's his own person, and he differs from you in the way he sees things.

I think you need to face the fact that he's not going to turn into someone who does things your way, and work out if you want that in a partner, rather than seeing this as you being right and him being wrong.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 10:07

“Do you want in?”

😖

Original poster
Differentneeds · 20/04/2023 11:26

@Watchkeys I’m sure most people, If asked do I look fat in this post baby would be able to have the ability to say you look amazing or something along those lines. If I asked him he would saying very analytical. He can not read the meaning behind the question. I’ve had a baby and I feel a little down. There is no malice in his answer it’s very emotionless. It’s not about lying, we all do this in intimate relationships as we love the other person. I don’t take it personally, it’s who he is and I don’t wish for him to change. He shows me he loves me because I know it’s hard for him at times to navigate relationships but he’s here with me. He told me at the beginning he has always found it hard with girlfriends as he never knows what to say and always says it wrong and they get offended.

To be honest I think I’ve answered my own question. When I say no to sex I put my own spin on it when I think he literally is asking me if I want tea or not.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 20/04/2023 11:33

So basically your 33 year old baby needs help to settle to sleep at night as well as your 5 month old... 😕

Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 11:34

Glad you got it sorted, OP. I will remind you that you were the one who called it lying. I didn't mention malice. It sounds like you're reframing things as you go, in order to take responsibility for, and therefore dismiss, the basic fact that you don't like his actions.

MyAnacondaMight · 20/04/2023 11:39

Why don’t you ask him to stop asking you each day, and agree that you’ll ask him when you feel like you want sex? Takes the pressure off you, and the rejection off him.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 20/04/2023 11:41

I don’t like his actions because I’ve put my spin on it that if I say no he will leave me or he will be annoyed if I ask him to stop asking. I’ve made assumptions I think that’s a me problem. I should just tell him.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 11:49

It's incompatibility. You can't decide to like or not like something, otherwise we'd all be choosing to like the gym and hate chocolate, and we'd all choose to prefer a lying cabinet minister, so that we didn't get so riled up by them. People would choose who to fall in love with, and who to dislike, so there'd be no unrequited love or unresolved crushes.

It's not a 'you problem', it's your preference, and you need to respect your feelings rather than try to change them. You'd never do that to someone else: 'You don't like how he treats you? Change yourself: you're the problem, here.'

It's so disrespectful.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 20/04/2023 11:57

@Watchkeys but I haven’t told him, I’ve not given him a chance. I’ve sat and stewed. None of us are perfect. Perhaps he will respect what I say, perhaps he won’t. I’m the one who needs to speak up, he doesn’t know I don’t like it. I was abused and sex was used. He doesn’t know this. If he doesn’t respect what I say, which I’m sure he would then I’d have to leave.

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