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Original poster

My adult son and his gf are always whispering to one another

81 replies

Daniella12 · 19/04/2023 09:24

Can I have advice please? My son is in his twenties and lives with his girlfriend. When they visit they are annoyingly couply. Always wedged together, holding hands on the sofa and lots of whispering and meaningful eye contact when we are in the room with them. Him whispering, ‘You okay?’ I find it rude and excluding. They have been together for 3 years.

OP posts:
Riapia · 19/04/2023 13:52

Another couple of years and you’ll be needed to help him pick up the pieces out of the wreckage.
Comes to us all.

Ag52q · 19/04/2023 13:57

Sounds like they feel comfortable around family to show they love one another.
Why wouldn't they sit next to each other, hold hands and make eye contact while they visit their family? I do wonder why it bothers you that they hold hands and sit together in your presence. Showing affection towards a long term partner isn't a negative thing. Holding hands, sitting together and making eye contact are all acceptable in front of others in my opinion. They are a couple, their interactions won't always involve you.
As for the whispering, it sounds like your son asks her (loudly enough for you to hear it so it must not be very quiet) to make sure she's okay? I'd personally try to figure out why he feels the need to check his partner is alright while visiting, to be honest. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable for some reason and that might also be the reason why they are "wedged" together the whole time they're there, (she doesn't want to be left by herself). Sounds like your son is in love and being a thoughtful, caring partner. I'd be proud of him. I wouldn't bring anything up in conversation, I think you will risk making their visits uncomfortable or even pushing them away and damage your relationship. Instead I'd try to make an effort to make her feel more at ease while she visits, and I'd try to form a relationship with her.

randomuser2019 · 19/04/2023 13:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

TheMarsian · 19/04/2023 14:18

The PDA wouldn’t bother me at all. As long as they aren’t snogging each other and are still participating to the conversation etc… I can’t see the issue.

The whispering is rude and I would tell your ds on his own - no need to make his gf uncomfortable.

potniatheron · 19/04/2023 14:20

My brother and his boyfriend used to do this with each other. I found it made me uncomfortable but wrote it off as 'just loved up', 'young love' etc. Anyway, it turned out that my brother was in an abusive and coercive relationship and the overly possessive touch feely whispering stuff his ex would pull was just another demonstration of control.

Eventually he especaped that relationship with our support and is now in a healthy one. He and his boyfriend visit us and talk normally.

Teacupjunkie · 19/04/2023 14:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

m00rfarm · 19/04/2023 15:03

Why don't you jump in to ask if she is OK before he whispers to her? Then he won't have to ask her ... Or maybe, when he whispers it to her, ask her what is wrong - is she not well? Pretend he is talking normally and not whispering. Just add it into the conversation.

Coffeetree · 19/04/2023 16:01

Yes I agree, if he's stage-whispering, "You okay?" in front of you, just respond with, "Is everything okay [girlfriend]?"

If they're whispering so that you can't hear, surely you know them well enough to just call them out and say, "Is everything okay? What's all the whispering about?"

For some reason my immediate thought is that she's pregnant and they're trying to drop hints.

Or they've been quarrelling in private and are overcompensating with this performance.

Mars27 · 19/04/2023 18:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

I thought that too, she could be playing Damsel in Distress in order to be adored control him.

I'd be tempted to do a Manuel saying QUE? at the top of my lungs next time I saw any whispering but obviously that's not advisable

endofthelinefinally · 19/04/2023 18:15

I remember my mum teaching us that it was rude to whisper in company. I must have been only about 4 or 5.
I think many people don't have any manners these days.

Goodread1 · 19/04/2023 18:17

It sounds like she is nervous of you,

And wants to desperately make a good impression of herself towards you,
And your son is reassuring her, that you Ok, or everything is OK,
That type of thing really..

As for hand holding that's lovely

It's the Whispering that's annoying 😒 rude,
Nobody should be doing that in company especially in front of partners mother

labamba007 · 19/04/2023 21:41

Does he only whisper 'are you okay?' Because that wouldn't bother me and I'd assume she was nervous or anxious. It really depends on the extent of the whispering - entire conversations would annoy me!

labamba007 · 19/04/2023 21:44

Could you go all Elf on them get right up close and say 'I like to whisper too' 😂

Caramc20 · 19/04/2023 23:04

They are just loved up! Give it another few years and I’m sure they will settle down.

Mari9999 · 19/04/2023 23:36

@Aylestone
The mother says that this behavior happens in her home even when she has guests.

Even in your mother's home, as an adult you should have a sense of the appropriate. I would not permit teenagers to behave this way at my dinner table. Why would it be appropriate behavior for adults.

There are many times and places where you can express your love and affection. When you are a guest in someone else's home is neither the time nor the place.

No one suffers because they have to wait to hold their partner's hand until they are alone or not in the company of others. You are no less in love because you have to exercise some judgment and restraint.

ChubbyMorticia · 20/04/2023 07:07

Personally, my husband checks in on me when we’re out, regardless of who we’re visiting. I have a chronic pain disability, and mask very well… until I can’t. These days, it’s often an exchange of looks, (one of the benefits of being married twenty years) but if he isn’t sure, he’ll absolutely whisper and ask if I’m okay.

Being put on the spot and asked at normal volume wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone.

As for sitting together and holding hands? I’d consider that perfectly normal behaviour.

MissMaple82 · 20/04/2023 08:10

Maybe she finds you totally overbearing (which sounds totally plausible), hense why he's whispering if she's OK! Get a grip OP

Marynotsocontrary · 20/04/2023 13:46

Whispering like this is very rude! My MIL and SIL always whisper together at family get togethers, sometimes even if people are sitting round a large dinner table for example. I find it upsetting and I know others have too. One family member was aĺmost in tears on one occasion as there were just the three of them together and these two kept on whispering to each other. It is so unbelievably rude.
I would speak to your son OP. This sort of behaviour is not okay.

Tinybrother · 20/04/2023 13:56

Mari9999 · 19/04/2023 23:36

@Aylestone
The mother says that this behavior happens in her home even when she has guests.

Even in your mother's home, as an adult you should have a sense of the appropriate. I would not permit teenagers to behave this way at my dinner table. Why would it be appropriate behavior for adults.

There are many times and places where you can express your love and affection. When you are a guest in someone else's home is neither the time nor the place.

No one suffers because they have to wait to hold their partner's hand until they are alone or not in the company of others. You are no less in love because you have to exercise some judgment and restraint.

Did you mean to reply to me, as I was the one who replied to you?

I agree with you about whispering in this case. Your “rule of thumb” about behaving as you would in your boss’s house when in your mother’s house is still silly and potentially rude.

Mari9999 · 21/04/2023 01:17

@Tinybrother
This mother does not want the behavior at her table or in her house. It is beyond rude to feel that you have a right to ignore the expected behavioral standards in your parents home simply because it makes you comfortable to do so even though it makes your parents uncomfortable.

As a guest in someone else's home (parents included), it is never acceptable to engage in behavior that makes your host uncomfortable.

If the son's partner has developed some severe level of anxiety or a physical condition that requires frequent checking, it might be a reasonable for him to go alone on the visits to the OP's house.

These are adults who can delay and control their behaviors . They are not impulse driven teenagers.

LBFseBrom · 21/04/2023 02:25

Marynotsocontrary · 20/04/2023 13:46

Whispering like this is very rude! My MIL and SIL always whisper together at family get togethers, sometimes even if people are sitting round a large dinner table for example. I find it upsetting and I know others have too. One family member was aĺmost in tears on one occasion as there were just the three of them together and these two kept on whispering to each other. It is so unbelievably rude.
I would speak to your son OP. This sort of behaviour is not okay.

Why on earth don't you speak to your mother in law and sister in law about their whispering? Or get your husband to do so. A laughing, "It's rude to whisper!", a couple of times might do the trick. It is just so very rude, I wouldn't accept it.

Back to the op, holding hands and affectionate glances is OK and normal for young people but definitely no whispering.

I wonder about people sometimes. Do they even realise they are whispering and if so, why do they feel they have to?

RandomSunday · 21/04/2023 02:29

Missing the point, somewhat, but… You have a DS (early 20’s) that has moved out! How did you manage that? Please tell 🙏

Emptycrackedcup · 21/04/2023 02:41

This would probably irritate me, especially if they've been together for 3 years. My sister and her daughter are like this, well not the hand holding, but whispering and knowing looks at each other. It's extremely rude and pisses the rest of the family off. We don't say anything though 😳

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 03:56

It's not necessarily unreasonable to find this behaviour irritating. It is rude to ask them to effectively not be themselves, far ruder than him giving her a little peck and saying something into her ears...just for her.
Now if theyre having whispered conversation that's different.
Just putting it out there but I wonder if she's ever said 'Your mum just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I always feel she's giving me daggers'...
Do they do it round their own house? Oh, you said you rarely go round 🤔

Tinybrother · 21/04/2023 05:08

Mari9999 · 21/04/2023 01:17

@Tinybrother
This mother does not want the behavior at her table or in her house. It is beyond rude to feel that you have a right to ignore the expected behavioral standards in your parents home simply because it makes you comfortable to do so even though it makes your parents uncomfortable.

As a guest in someone else's home (parents included), it is never acceptable to engage in behavior that makes your host uncomfortable.

If the son's partner has developed some severe level of anxiety or a physical condition that requires frequent checking, it might be a reasonable for him to go alone on the visits to the OP's house.

These are adults who can delay and control their behaviors . They are not impulse driven teenagers.

Yes I understand you perfectly and agree with what you are saying in this post. You don’t need to keep repeating as though I don’t understand. You are not reading my responses to you properly. I was referring to your “rule of thumb” about behaving like you are in your boss’s home. Can you think of no way that adhering to that rule might be rude in your own mother’s home?