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Original poster

Strange behaviour

101 replies

Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 20:27

I've had to name change for this as frankly I'm quite embarrassed for anyone IRL finding out.
Been married for 12 years, together for 15. Both have children from previous marriages. OH is older than me and retired at 50 and has worked part time for the last 8 years. He is quite reserved, no hobbies and is pretty much glued to the TV/YouTube whereas I've a good circle of friends so there's always a coffee and catch up or a gym class to go along to. I've also got siblings so again there's maybe the odd shopping day/birthday afternoon tea type thing.
We have a family calendar and all appointments etc are put under each person's name. I was updating May and noticed these little circles at the side on various dates. I decided to look back through the calendar and yet more little circles, again only against certain dates.
It transpires that these are ONLY against dates when I've say met a pal for a brew or been to a baby shower type thing. So OH has literally been keeping count of every "social" event I have ever been to this year! Bear in mind I've not been "out out", I don't drink alcohol, have a demanding job and still have my son at home who I spend a lot of time with etc. I'm also a carer to my remaining parent so get very little "me" time as it is. Now I feel like I can't arrange or say "yes" to an invite again.
Does anyone else think this is odd behaviour??

OP posts:
TeaserandtheFirecat · 19/04/2023 08:08

Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 21:51

Just to be clear I've tried arranging the whole "date night' thing or a night away as our marriage was getting a bit stale but it was always me trying to make an effort. He's since cancelled his gym membership, not renewed his football season pass and just falls asleep every afternoon. I probably have 2 nights a year away and maybe one coffee a fortnight. I go to the gym when he's at work if I'm not working and always there to make dinner etc and if not then I prep it beforehand for him and my son.

Sounds like you carry most of the weight of family life, and he sees you as the Do All domestic appliance. He can't fathom why the appliance should have a social life.

CrunchyCarrot · 19/04/2023 08:12

I suppose your DH was going to point to all those marked days on the calendar at some point and say 'look how many times you have gone out to socialise!!' without thinking how ridiculous and jealous that makes him look. I'd be concerned his world has shrunk so much that he doesn't have outside interests and now spends his time observing what you are doing instead!

gannett · 19/04/2023 08:26

Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 21:22

Ok....so I gave in and called him as I couldn't sit on it until he got home. Wow...huge eruption. It appears that I'm "never" at home so yes...he's been counting up how many times I've done stuff out of the house.

At least it's all in the open now, I guess? What a childish an ineffective way to go about making his point.

The question is what he wants you to do about it? Your social life is perfectly normal and you shouldn't apologise for it. If he feels you're growing apart and never have time together any more that's a valid concern - but it doesn't sound like he makes any effort to connect when you are at home, so again, what does he want to do about it? Why does he want you at home if he's not making the effort to interact with you when you are? If he's unhappy he needs to start articulating what he wants to happen like an adult.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 09:22

Ugh, he is a miserable, horrible, controlling, passive aggressive twat.

He just wants you home and doing nothing, he doesn’t actually want quality time with you. He’s just threatened by your social life. Horrible.

Consider long and hard whether you want to spend the rest of your days watching him watch YouTube videos, snoring in the day time, or flicking channels while not talking to you…

Daffodilsandbagels · 19/04/2023 10:14

BananaCocktails · 18/04/2023 22:23

Do u not include him ? Sounds like you leave him at home on these outings and of course you need your own life but it sounds like you exclude him and maybe he’s picked up on that
dont you go out together?

This is such a damaging attitude – people in relationships are allowed to have their own friendships & friendship groups! The OP doesn't need to invite her husband to every coffee or pint with her friends; he's not her chaperone. If he wanted a more active social life (& to be more involved in the OP's social life), it sounds like there are probably hundreds of POSITIVE ways for him to start address that, that aren't this creepy, controlling, blame-laden approach. I don't understand why you would read what the OP is experiencing and try to put the blame for this on her!

Bambooflowers · 19/04/2023 10:18

As weird as it is, I find your reaction of not to go out again even weirder. I can’t fathom why you think that?

QueenSmartypants · 19/04/2023 10:37

Controlling arse.

Him, not you.

Go back through the calendar and mark up all the times you are home .

TopOfTheCliff · 19/04/2023 15:45

I was going to guess you only had one car and he was noting when it was in use. But your explanation is much more worrying. He sounds bored and lonely. I have a few newly retired male friends who don’t know how to fill their time. He needs to find something meaningful to do. Would he volunteer or join a sports club? What are his passions? He needs to get a life so he isn’t resentful of yours.

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 22:46

Daffodilsandbagels · 19/04/2023 10:14

This is such a damaging attitude – people in relationships are allowed to have their own friendships & friendship groups! The OP doesn't need to invite her husband to every coffee or pint with her friends; he's not her chaperone. If he wanted a more active social life (& to be more involved in the OP's social life), it sounds like there are probably hundreds of POSITIVE ways for him to start address that, that aren't this creepy, controlling, blame-laden approach. I don't understand why you would read what the OP is experiencing and try to put the blame for this on her!

Show quote history

Thank you for your support ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 22:49

TopOfTheCliff · 19/04/2023 15:45

I was going to guess you only had one car and he was noting when it was in use. But your explanation is much more worrying. He sounds bored and lonely. I have a few newly retired male friends who don’t know how to fill their time. He needs to find something meaningful to do. Would he volunteer or join a sports club? What are his passions? He needs to get a life so he isn’t resentful of yours.

We have a car each so no issues with car sharing etc. We had couples therapy back in 2018 after a 6 month split wherein we discussed his lack of hobbies etc and he came up with some really good ideas such as night school class, volunteering etc... unfortunately nothing came from it. From the blazer of a row we have had today it transpires he is holding onto a lot of deep rooted resentment towards anything I do out of the home. Looks like a great big can of worms has been opened.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 19/04/2023 22:51

How are you feeling today OP? Has he realised how wrong he was to do that, and that he needs to start doing things himself instead of being in a TV coma every night. He needs to change, not you.

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 22:51

Bambooflowers · 19/04/2023 10:18

As weird as it is, I find your reaction of not to go out again even weirder. I can’t fathom why you think that?

I now just feel uncomfortable and "monitored"...I feel like this is the beginning of issues that we need to find a way back from. I dread to think just exactly how long he has been keeping record of my movements.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 19/04/2023 22:53

nvm, cross posted.

I hope you find a way through this. Remember, its him with the problem, not you Flowers

Crikeyalmighty · 19/04/2023 23:18

@Austrianmilk I do get where you are coming from as I have similar slight issues too from my H- he doesn't mark on a calendar and he doesn't stop me going out or anything - however I do hear a few regular 'martyr' comments of the 'must be nice to have local friends to go out with ' kind of thing. He knows a lot of people and has lots of friends but none that local that he could see at night - although he does sometimes see them in the day (work related) it seems to me anything going out at night seems to rank higher on the annoyance scale !! Don't put up with it up-

LadyLolaRuben · 19/04/2023 23:37

I know a lot of men like the one you describe your husband to be. You don't sound like you're out the house every night and weekend gallivanting. He wants you to be like him and you're not. Life is too short to be something you're not. He was monitoring and saying nothing about the issues he has because judging by those marks on the calendar (in your photo), there's nothing to complain about. Im sorry you feel under surveillance and I cant see this/him changing. Please don't compromise your life - it sounds a nice mixture of activities.

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 23:56

LadyLolaRuben · 19/04/2023 23:37

I know a lot of men like the one you describe your husband to be. You don't sound like you're out the house every night and weekend gallivanting. He wants you to be like him and you're not. Life is too short to be something you're not. He was monitoring and saying nothing about the issues he has because judging by those marks on the calendar (in your photo), there's nothing to complain about. Im sorry you feel under surveillance and I cant see this/him changing. Please don't compromise your life - it sounds a nice mixture of activities.

Thank you for your reply. I attend church each Sunday and I've even had that thrown at me this evening. It's something I've done for the past two years and found so helpful since losing my mum.
My head is in a whirl not knowing what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 23:56

Crikeyalmighty · 19/04/2023 23:18

@Austrianmilk I do get where you are coming from as I have similar slight issues too from my H- he doesn't mark on a calendar and he doesn't stop me going out or anything - however I do hear a few regular 'martyr' comments of the 'must be nice to have local friends to go out with ' kind of thing. He knows a lot of people and has lots of friends but none that local that he could see at night - although he does sometimes see them in the day (work related) it seems to me anything going out at night seems to rank higher on the annoyance scale !! Don't put up with it up-

Flowers
OP posts:
Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 23:57

Pixiedust1234 · 19/04/2023 22:53

nvm, cross posted.

I hope you find a way through this. Remember, its him with the problem, not you Flowers

Flowers
OP posts:
Orders76 · 20/04/2023 00:06

I literally do this to keep track of everyone's schedule in one place.
But....I rip off the months as I go. If he's not tallying no problems, rip off off jan-mar?

Orders76 · 20/04/2023 00:07

Sorry, see your update , hmmm.

GastonHaugh · 20/04/2023 00:09

As soon as you described what he was doing I KNEW that it would go this way. My ex was like this. To a “t”. And he burned with resentment if I did things outside of the house, especially if it was for me. He would deliberately sabotage things, just to control me. What underpinned it was he felt absolutely justified in expecting me to focus on meeting his needs. He didn’t say it like that, but that’s what it was. How dare I do anything for myself. Why wasn’t I grateful to be in the presence of an actual real live man?!

Reader, I divorced him. Much much happier.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 20/04/2023 00:21

@Austrianmilk

Keep up your contact with your support people.

Take care of you x

BadNomad · 20/04/2023 00:30

Did he mark it on the calendar intentionally so you would know he is keeping track?

Newestname002 · 20/04/2023 06:18

Please don't give up your very modest activities outside your home OP - that would not be mentally healthy for you as you need an outlet for the daily stresses (which we all have plus you're carer for your parent too).

Perhaps he should manage his own life better and check his own inability to do so rather than sneakily try and curtail yours ⬇️

We had couples therapy back in 2018 after a 6 month split wherein we discussed his lack of hobbies etc and he came up with some really good ideas such as night school class, volunteering etc... unfortunately nothing came from it.

Hope things improve for you but don't start making your own life smaller to please him. Life's too short for that. 🌹

Mochinated · 20/04/2023 06:25

There's no "we" have a problem

HE has the problem.

If he agreed to do things following the counselling and hasn't done them, please do throw all that back in his face and make it clear the blame and problems are 100% on him refusing to take responsibility.

How unattractive of him

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