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Original poster

Strange behaviour

101 replies

Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 20:27

I've had to name change for this as frankly I'm quite embarrassed for anyone IRL finding out.
Been married for 12 years, together for 15. Both have children from previous marriages. OH is older than me and retired at 50 and has worked part time for the last 8 years. He is quite reserved, no hobbies and is pretty much glued to the TV/YouTube whereas I've a good circle of friends so there's always a coffee and catch up or a gym class to go along to. I've also got siblings so again there's maybe the odd shopping day/birthday afternoon tea type thing.
We have a family calendar and all appointments etc are put under each person's name. I was updating May and noticed these little circles at the side on various dates. I decided to look back through the calendar and yet more little circles, again only against certain dates.
It transpires that these are ONLY against dates when I've say met a pal for a brew or been to a baby shower type thing. So OH has literally been keeping count of every "social" event I have ever been to this year! Bear in mind I've not been "out out", I don't drink alcohol, have a demanding job and still have my son at home who I spend a lot of time with etc. I'm also a carer to my remaining parent so get very little "me" time as it is. Now I feel like I can't arrange or say "yes" to an invite again.
Does anyone else think this is odd behaviour??

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 18/04/2023 21:51

What an oddball !!

I would not give up going out because he does not approve.

You have a demanding job, along with caring for a parent and making sure all is fine with your son.

DH needs to look at what he is getting out of his life and change his attitude towards what you are doing.

We all have one life, he needs to start living his.

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 21:51

Just to be clear I've tried arranging the whole "date night' thing or a night away as our marriage was getting a bit stale but it was always me trying to make an effort. He's since cancelled his gym membership, not renewed his football season pass and just falls asleep every afternoon. I probably have 2 nights a year away and maybe one coffee a fortnight. I go to the gym when he's at work if I'm not working and always there to make dinner etc and if not then I prep it beforehand for him and my son.

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/04/2023 21:53

If my formerly non controlling, easy going, perfectly ordinary husband of many years suddenly did something so odd my first thought would be that he may be unwell. My second would be to wonder if he thought I was having an affair. Either way, if this is a sudden uncharacteristic act I'd be approaching gently at first rather than with anger. (Even though I can see why you're angry!)

Dunnoburt · 18/04/2023 21:57

But it's on the calendar.....surely he doesn't need to keep "tabs"

Skybluepinky · 18/04/2023 21:59

Two can play that game add cocked to every day.

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 22:00

Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 21:51

Just to be clear I've tried arranging the whole "date night' thing or a night away as our marriage was getting a bit stale but it was always me trying to make an effort. He's since cancelled his gym membership, not renewed his football season pass and just falls asleep every afternoon. I probably have 2 nights a year away and maybe one coffee a fortnight. I go to the gym when he's at work if I'm not working and always there to make dinner etc and if not then I prep it beforehand for him and my son.

I know you know, but you don't have to justify what is a perfectly normal social life x

pictoosh · 18/04/2023 22:00

Sounds like he's given up making an effort to do anything interesting for himself and expects you to entertain him.
So...no.

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 22:01

Emerald95 · 18/04/2023 21:28

This seems very odd behaviour! Instead of talking to you if he felt you were out too often, he's kept a coded log. Do you think he's feeling resentful? Does he have the option to leave the house to meet pals too?

Show quote history

It definitely sounds like a deep grained resentment...just wish I'd saved last year's calendar now!
He is free to come and go as he pleases, I'd welcome the fact for him to have a social life.

OP posts:
sladys · 18/04/2023 22:02

If your recording when you're going out in the family calendar why does he need to add a circle.
Surely if he wants to count up how often you're going out he can do that from the entries without a circle?

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 22:03

It's the passive aggressiveness that's really quite nasty.

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 22:08

Op go back through the calander and put a star next to every day. Those are the days he has done what HE wanted.. If that is stayed in then that was HIS choice..

Notsurenotquiteright · 18/04/2023 22:15

Sleeping mid day, cancelling his gym membership etc sounds like he’s depressed

78thcat · 18/04/2023 22:18

Does he think that you're having an affair?

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 22:19

Notsurenotquiteright · 18/04/2023 22:15

Sleeping mid day, cancelling his gym membership etc sounds like he’s depressed

I have asked him only recently if he's not feeling too great as he's been so short tempered over the smallest of things. He assured me that he is fine but just hates getting up for work so early (6am).

OP posts:
Snoopyandthemuppets · 18/04/2023 22:21

I’d start writing
Monday <insert triangle> Dave spent 8 hours on his phone and 4 hours watching TV and fell asleep at 9 pm, snoring.
Tuesday <insert triangle> Dave’s screen time says 7 hours and 4 hours on Netflix. Farted and went to bed at 8 pm.
etc

then
total hours of screen time =59 hours
etc

Why can’t you meet friends if he is glued to his phone?

BananaCocktails · 18/04/2023 22:23

Do u not include him ? Sounds like you leave him at home on these outings and of course you need your own life but it sounds like you exclude him and maybe he’s picked up on that
dont you go out together?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/04/2023 22:26

The only reason he could have done this is to use it against you.

Do you both work full time? Do you both earn about the same amount?

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 22:26

BananaCocktails · 18/04/2023 22:23

Do u not include him ? Sounds like you leave him at home on these outings and of course you need your own life but it sounds like you exclude him and maybe he’s picked up on that
dont you go out together?

If it's a family thing then yes of course he's invited...a friend's baby shower then no!

OP posts:
Bhyr358 · 18/04/2023 22:29

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/04/2023 22:26

The only reason he could have done this is to use it against you.

Do you both work full time? Do you both earn about the same amount?

So if he earns more he should be able to dictate when OP goes out without him?!

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 22:29

Does he think those are the times you have cheated?

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 22:34

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/04/2023 22:26

The only reason he could have done this is to use it against you.

Do you both work full time? Do you both earn about the same amount?

He works part time and also receives a pension. I work full time but condensed into 3 long days. Earn similar amounts, pay equally into everything etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Austrianmilk · 18/04/2023 22:35

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 22:29

Does he think those are the times you have cheated?

He has never accused me of cheating (I haven't in any case) and he could very easily check up to see if I am where I say I am ie such and such coffee shop

OP posts:
Littlebummybums · 18/04/2023 23:03

@Snoopyandthemuppets 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/04/2023 07:04

I my ex was similar, in that he'd not want to go out with friends, didn't have hobbies but would wanted me to stay in. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to do something, but he just wanted me in the house (gis knows why as he's not interact with me).

I remember cancelling a meet up with a friend to stay in with him. I sat there whilst he had the telly on, and was on his phone. I said to him 'what do you fancy doing then' he looked at me and said 'nothing, we're. doing it', I sat for a few minutes and asked him why I'd cancelled a meet up if he was just going to sit there on his phone. We ended up arguing but it was the beginning of the end for me, he just simply didn't want me going out but wasn't prepared to put any effort into the relationship

Original poster
Austrianmilk · 19/04/2023 07:59

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/04/2023 07:04

I my ex was similar, in that he'd not want to go out with friends, didn't have hobbies but would wanted me to stay in. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to do something, but he just wanted me in the house (gis knows why as he's not interact with me).

I remember cancelling a meet up with a friend to stay in with him. I sat there whilst he had the telly on, and was on his phone. I said to him 'what do you fancy doing then' he looked at me and said 'nothing, we're. doing it', I sat for a few minutes and asked him why I'd cancelled a meet up if he was just going to sit there on his phone. We ended up arguing but it was the beginning of the end for me, he just simply didn't want me going out but wasn't prepared to put any effort into the relationship

This sounds so similar. If I'm in, which is more often than being out I will sit in the lounge whilst he flicks through the TV channels. He's also then watching YouTube videos on his phone I end up going to bed at 9pm because I'm so bored. We don't really have anything to talk about because he doesn't have any interests plus he calls me a lot during the day.

OP posts:
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