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Original poster

When the grass clearly wasn't greener

64 replies

greengrass2023 · 18/04/2023 15:35

This is more of a rant and I wondered if anyone else has similar stories.

I was married for 23 years. Husband had an affair and insisted that overnight, he wanted to be with his new woman who was 19 years younger than him and from the Philippines. Life didn't go so smoothy as he found himself with two new babies (our kids are mid twenties) and suddenly realized that other 56 year olds were way past the stages of changing nappies and watching Peppa Pig.

Our divorce was messy and cost me thousands and thousands of pounds. Our own kids suffered and have really been miffed over the years that they have missed out on having a dad in their lives. In the last 8 months he's moved near our house but neither of our kids have been invited over. This weekend, my son asked to spend time with him and asked if he could maybe go over for Sunday dinner. He ended up being bought a takeaway which both he and the ex had to eat on their laps in the car as the new wife was apparently fighting, yet again with my ex.

It seems so many men just get swept away, without a second thought, for a shiny new young woman, not thinking things through. Would you say this is true? I'm just a bit fed up for my own kids.

OP posts:
BCBird · 18/04/2023 15:40

There is a sing by Gregory Porter called Brown Grass. It has a lot of truth. I have been replaced by someone who had more money and lived abroad,which allowed mybtgen boyfriend to escape his financial responsibilities and bugger off. Left me in debt, but I was well rid of him. Take care.

Ardvark111 · 18/04/2023 16:43

My ex gf put her new bf on the pedestal bugging him up whilst treating me like crap. she quickly learned his cheating ways despite my warnings which she ignored ( me being with her a lot longer than him ) zero sympathy for her. You reap what you sow.!!!

Ardvark111 · 18/04/2023 16:44
  • bigging him up
Bambooflowers · 18/04/2023 16:47

You won’t like my answer but the truth is I think for either a man or woman to end a marriage there needs to be a fundamental unhappiness and problem in the marriage.

I think honestly you shouldn’t focus on their marriage, it may also be going wrong sure, but if two kids then it’s been awhile. Being unhappy if you feel he’s not an adequate Co parent is different, but I’m sorry it doesn’t mean he needs to stay with you. I know that’s hard.

Bambooflowers · 18/04/2023 16:48

Sorry just read your kids are mid twenties, so Co parenting is done. It’s up to them and him to manage the relationship now.

washinwashoutrepeat · 18/04/2023 16:50

There's no fool like an old fool...

Greensleevevssnotnose · 18/04/2023 16:50

My dad left my mum for her best friend, who was much younger. My brother was 13 and I was 16 and had already left home. He came back six weeks later as life with her toddlers was not so fun! They've been married 55 years now. My mum also cheated but they didn't seem to let it bother them.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/04/2023 21:30

You won’t like my answer but the truth is I think for either a man or woman to end a marriage there needs to be a fundamental unhappiness and problem in the marriage

i gently agree
I’d say really try very hard to reduce the knowledge of them in your life
the poor parenting is disappointing yes

you sound incomplete about this , but do you think the marriage would have lasted if not for her ?

Bambooflowers · 18/04/2023 22:12

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/04/2023 21:30

You won’t like my answer but the truth is I think for either a man or woman to end a marriage there needs to be a fundamental unhappiness and problem in the marriage

i gently agree
I’d say really try very hard to reduce the knowledge of them in your life
the poor parenting is disappointing yes

you sound incomplete about this , but do you think the marriage would have lasted if not for her ?

I know this question is aimed at rhe op, but I’m reading rhe same, is she blaming her, not able to move on, thinking he’s unhappy and should have stayed with her, the op.

because the truth is, it’s not about her,the ow. He found an exit clause as he wanted out.

no matter how unhappy he is with his current partner, it still doesn’t mean he should have stayed with the op. Because when you walk, it’s already broken, 🥲

purplefacemask · 18/04/2023 22:26

Yes, this happened to my exh. He left for someone who was wealthy and at the time well known in his career area. DC was 5 at the time and I was devastated. He is now so unhappy that when I see him, I feel a mix of sadness for him and "well, you reap what you sow". He's even asked if we could have an affair! 🤢

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:27

Your children are adults now, don't keep up with your ex's news.
You say he was swept up by a young woman, but she doesn't sound like she's living the life of riley, either.
He must've been miserable for years in your marriage as most men shag on the side to stay in the marriage and make it tolerable.
Usually it's the woman who pushes for divorce after an affair.

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:28

purplefacemask · 18/04/2023 22:26

Yes, this happened to my exh. He left for someone who was wealthy and at the time well known in his career area. DC was 5 at the time and I was devastated. He is now so unhappy that when I see him, I feel a mix of sadness for him and "well, you reap what you sow". He's even asked if we could have an affair! 🤢

Are you all men or your husband was bi/closeted gay?

Caramc20 · 18/04/2023 22:33

id just focus on making your grass fabulous. I wouldn’t want his life , young kids at that age and the cliche younger wife! It’s a bit tragic.

it must be hard to stop thinking about them because you’ve got kids together so sadly will always have to hear about him. But just focus on your life, that’s the best revenge.

purplefacemask · 18/04/2023 22:34

I am a woman. My exh was a man?

PaigeMatthews · 18/04/2023 22:35

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:28

Are you all men or your husband was bi/closeted gay?

Show quote history

What a weird reply.

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:59

@purplefacemask I just read the 'fell for SOMEONE wealthy and well known in HIS career as still describing this SOMEONE as a man but it seems you were referring to your ex's career.

KillerSandy · 19/04/2023 00:24

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:27

Your children are adults now, don't keep up with your ex's news.
You say he was swept up by a young woman, but she doesn't sound like she's living the life of riley, either.
He must've been miserable for years in your marriage as most men shag on the side to stay in the marriage and make it tolerable.
Usually it's the woman who pushes for divorce after an affair.

Maybe she was doing the old trick of having the kids to keep new husband?

As for the rest of your post wtf?

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:35

KillerSandy · 19/04/2023 00:24

Maybe she was doing the old trick of having the kids to keep new husband?

As for the rest of your post wtf?

Show quote history

Second wife is a young woman, maybe she wanted children and a family??

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 02:04

She didn’t have their two DC by herself, and if he wanted to leave her then he would, he’s done it before.

You presumably only have your son’s word for how unhappy his father is and given your position it’s inevitable he’s telling you how dire things are. But your ex left your marriage for a reason and is staying with his wife, at least so far, for the same or different reasons.

I’d worry less about him and his wife and family and more about making your own life as full as it can be. Your own DC are adults and their relationship with their father is their responsibility.

Why was your divorce so costly?

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 02:08

Yes I do think a lot of people/men leave good marriages because they think the grass is greener, but it isn’t. All the more foolish men who leave, get flattered that a younger woman finds them attractive, and then end up with second families and act completely surprised!

My father is one such man. Left us because he fancied himself as someone who was just too good to stay married to a woman his own age, when he could attract so many younger women. And also be free of the responsibility of family.

He’s not got a second family, with his younger wife, and is busily trying so so hard to make out it’s all great. But in reality she’s not very nice, she wanted someone of higher status than herself, they complain all the time, their kids are not very nice either, and I look at my father and think what the hell have you done? He’s estranged from us as he let his second family take over, he’s become weak and mean just like his second family. All his family and friends now are estranged. It’s a bit tragic really.

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 02:10

But your ex left your marriage for a reason and is staying with his wife but sometimes, well more than sometimes, that reason is that the man becomes entitled, mid life crisis, nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with ego and frightened of ageing.

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 02:26

Sometimes it works out well though. Look at Strawbridge and Angel in their fancy French Chateau and 2 darling children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

Chersfrozenface · 19/04/2023 08:04

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

I too have seen a lot of this.

Humanswarm · 19/04/2023 08:09

I actually think, it has nothing to do with the wives or ow..it has everything to do with the normality of every day. People ( not just men) get swept up in the romantic, elicitness of affairs or new relationships. And some people fail to realise that this transcends into a normal, sometimes mundane relationship. And this is what they can't handle. It has nothing to do with who the actual women/men are. Real life.
But if I were you OP I'd stop thinking about him. Your dc are grown. Leave him to it. It changes nothing