Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the grass clearly wasn't greener

64 replies

greengrass2023 · 18/04/2023 15:35

This is more of a rant and I wondered if anyone else has similar stories.

I was married for 23 years. Husband had an affair and insisted that overnight, he wanted to be with his new woman who was 19 years younger than him and from the Philippines. Life didn't go so smoothy as he found himself with two new babies (our kids are mid twenties) and suddenly realized that other 56 year olds were way past the stages of changing nappies and watching Peppa Pig.

Our divorce was messy and cost me thousands and thousands of pounds. Our own kids suffered and have really been miffed over the years that they have missed out on having a dad in their lives. In the last 8 months he's moved near our house but neither of our kids have been invited over. This weekend, my son asked to spend time with him and asked if he could maybe go over for Sunday dinner. He ended up being bought a takeaway which both he and the ex had to eat on their laps in the car as the new wife was apparently fighting, yet again with my ex.

It seems so many men just get swept away, without a second thought, for a shiny new young woman, not thinking things through. Would you say this is true? I'm just a bit fed up for my own kids.

OP posts:
KillerSandy · 19/04/2023 10:12

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:35

Second wife is a young woman, maybe she wanted children and a family??

Show quote history

Are you really that naive that you don't know how the story goes especially when non nationals are involved?

SavBlancTonight · 19/04/2023 10:35

I'm sort of gobsmacked at the people saying he was obviously unhappy blah blah blah.

It's a tale as old as time - middle aged man gets bored of middle aged life, middle aged wife etc. he wants the sexy young thing, less responsibility, more fun. He leaves to find such things. Only to discover that those things are transient too.

Meanwhile, old wife gets on with things but the ones who really suffer are the children. Because the old children are abandoned without a thought and the new children are treated like a massive encumbrance.

80s · 19/04/2023 10:37

It seems so many men just get swept away, without a second thought, for a shiny new young woman, not thinking things through. Would you say this is true?
I don't think it's only true of men. I know two women who left their husbands for their affair partner and landed in a right mess. One went back to the husband; he accepted her at first but is apparently now rethinking that decision. The other one's husband wouldn't have her back.

My exh had his affair but, like a stubborn stain, he only left when I found out and really put the pressure on, and he never had a child with OW despite his promises. A scrap of self-preservation left there. He's been single and then in a "LDR" that has gone nowhere for several years, which is quite nice for our adult children as he has more time for them.

And I know a couple of men who did just what you described, except that it worked out for them. Both had two new babies in their late 40s; both couples are still happily together and the two "generations" of children get on well. One pair even went on holiday recently with the guy's exw and her new dh. (I think the key to this may be that both men are wealthy.)

Your exh was unlucky, and sounds a bit of a dick generally. But he would have been like that without the affair?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 10:38

If the OP had happily moved on and was necking cocktails with her mates that would be great. But that doesn’t seem to be the case hence her interest in his apparent unhappiness with the new life he’s chosen. He also hasn’t tried to come back to her and is embracing his lot.

DrFoxtrot · 19/04/2023 10:48

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:59

@purplefacemask I just read the 'fell for SOMEONE wealthy and well known in HIS career as still describing this SOMEONE as a man but it seems you were referring to your ex's career.

I had to read it a few times too

80s · 19/04/2023 10:48

In the last 8 months he's moved near our house but neither of our kids have been invited over. This weekend, my son asked to spend time with him and asked if he could maybe go over for Sunday dinner. He ended up being bought a takeaway which both he and the ex had to eat on their laps in the car as the new wife was apparently fighting, yet again with my ex.
Why did your son even agree to this? 😂Could they not have gone out for a meal at a restaurant? Or your children could let their dad know when you're away and ask him round for dinner? Hopefully the two of them will move out soon and you won't have to keep hearing about this nonsense.

Nelly10 · 19/04/2023 10:52

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

I totally agree with this!

Love it I’m definitely having more cocktails now 😊

Humanswarm · 19/04/2023 11:03

@Nelly10 love it also..cheers to cocktails! 🍹🍸

ThirdCultureKid · 19/04/2023 12:23

My Grandfather, My father and my FIL all did this. Got to their midlife then suddenly forgot that the woman at their side was the person that helped build up the lifestyle/status they enjoyed. The grass was greener and the younger/slimmer/youthful wife was what they deserved.

My father, He despises his new wife, but stays for the kids and will tell anyone that listens that he was thinking with his groin and the grass was in fact knot weed. He regularly asks my mother to take him back. A real prize of a man.

My grandfather died alone after he ran off with the OW to another country. He was expecting the very frail OW to keel over and leave her very large fortune to him so he would have had a rich and bountiful old age. She outlived him and is still going. He sent a card to all his children, just before his death, to say it was his life's regret that he left their mother.

My FIL ran off to start a new life with his secretary. He then cheated on Ms Secretary a few years later with the OW1. He is leaving OW1 for his new OW2 as we speak. OW2 has very young children. He had just moved in and is already 'joking' about boarding schools for her 'terribly behaved' 'spoiled' 'mollycoddled' and 'overly noisy' kids (2 & 4 Yrs) so I can see this going well already.

All the ExWives and Ms Secretary (who we really liked, including MIL, and still get along with lol) are 🍹drinking and loving their new freedoms.

Whatsrheday · 19/04/2023 18:33

Great post by Pyongyangkipperbang

username1722 · 19/04/2023 21:55

I think often the grass isn't always greener on the other side. However, it can also often mean the grass wasn't green on the current side either, hence the need to jump.

I'm sorry you've had to go through what you've been through but you have a chance now to step away from it. Your kids are grown up. You don't need to keep up to date with how your ex is doing. Miserable or not, he's made his choice and there's no point in wondering if he would have been happier staying. He cheated. It was never going to be happy families for you. Move on and focus on your own future now and be there for your kids.

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 22:06

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

What a great post. I know of a lot of marriages which ended as the husband found a women 10 or more years younger. Unfortunately, I think this becomes ‘transactional’ relationship - the younger woman wanting to be looked after and the older man wanting to feel younger and virile again. It is not the same as falling in love at a similar age, the man and woman both finding their feet in careers, often broke and struggling but struggling together. I think the ‘transactional’ relationship isn’t as happy imho, as it’s based less on the actual person and more of what that age or attractiveness represents.

Maze76 · 19/04/2023 22:08

How many second wives are on here providing reasons / explanations for men having affairs?😉

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 22:11

Also I think what some people miss. Is that when you’ve been married and had kids, you never truly just ‘move on’.

Those children bind people together forever and a second marriage will always be in that shadow. I know because I’ve been a step mum, been the second marriage. Of course it’s healthier to be as ‘moved on’ as you can, but unfortunately I do think for some people, and maybe men in particular, they think that they can just ‘move on’ and are surprised when everything ends up in a bit of a mess, their kids resent the time/energy spent on their ‘grass greener’ lives and there can often be tension and sometimes sadly estrangement.

By trying to move to greener pastures, you can sometimes end up tending badly to two fields instead of one!

stargirl1701 · 19/04/2023 22:24

@PyongyangKipperbang

Wise words that ring true!

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/04/2023 22:40

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

You and I know this full well don't we? We need a catch up 🥰

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/04/2023 22:45

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 22:11

Also I think what some people miss. Is that when you’ve been married and had kids, you never truly just ‘move on’.

Those children bind people together forever and a second marriage will always be in that shadow. I know because I’ve been a step mum, been the second marriage. Of course it’s healthier to be as ‘moved on’ as you can, but unfortunately I do think for some people, and maybe men in particular, they think that they can just ‘move on’ and are surprised when everything ends up in a bit of a mess, their kids resent the time/energy spent on their ‘grass greener’ lives and there can often be tension and sometimes sadly estrangement.

By trying to move to greener pastures, you can sometimes end up tending badly to two fields instead of one!

This really does ring true for me. OW in my case said that cutting off our little boy completely was the best thing. Ex couldn't believe the hassle of divorcing when you have children so he took her advice. Lucky them that they don't have to deal with the fallout of their shit decisions.

Papernotplastic · 19/04/2023 23:11

Lots of men seem to leave their family not just their wife. They don’t just want a different woman, they want the life they had before the day to day responsibility of children. It’s not just about a younger woman, it’s about the chance to recapture their own youth. It’s horrible seeing children hurt because their father won’t make the effort to be a part of their lives.

JackieQueen · 19/04/2023 23:26

Maze76 · 19/04/2023 22:08

How many second wives are on here providing reasons / explanations for men having affairs?😉

That's what I thought, can't believe some are blaming the op! I suppose they have to think like that really.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2023 02:27

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/04/2023 22:40

You and I know this full well don't we? We need a catch up 🥰

Show quote history

With cocktails xx 😘

Whatifthegrassisblue · 20/04/2023 02:39

I think many women would do the same, they just don't get the opportunity as much

letthatmango · 20/04/2023 06:50

Great and accurate post by @PyongyangKipperbang so tired of the old poor sausage must have been ‘unhappy’ trope. I honestly think that it’s either APs or women who think their marriage is safe because it’s a ‘happy’ one. They idea that I can prevent this happening to me if I keep my man ‘happy’.

OP is bang on and absolutely right to raise this. I used to work in a bar and I can not tell you the number of older men who with years on them realised their affairs were the breaking point for them not the ‘liberation’ point. So many regretful men. They all said they’d let their sexual drives rule their heads. My husband had an affair and I remember his dad saying exactly the same to him. IME and I’ve read a lot of stories, if the wife kicks them out or they leave, the man either then moves from AP to AP and ends up alone OR stays in a kind of ‘I made my bed I’ll lay in it’ type scenario. I also know a couple of happy ending type affairs but tbh they are few and far between.

OP I hope you haven’t been chased away by the posts about your ‘unhappy marriage leading to him leaving’ (I’m very aware of how blindsided lots of betrayed partners are about their alleged unhappy marriages) and that you need to get over it. Your musings are valid and needed a voice.

Original poster
greengrass2023 · 20/04/2023 09:09

Some really good posts here, so thank you.
As some people have pointed out, it's the kids I feel sorry for. Two that have pretty much been abandoned by their father and two that have been brought into the world, apparently because of failed contraception (that old chestnut!). The ex is totally incapable of handling kids in their mid twenties, along with toddlers and a new wife who is bored, has not job, can't drive, has no friends and fights with him relentlessly.
I bumped into his mother the other day (my ex MIL) who rolled her eyes and said 'well, he's having a tricky time'. My heart bled as I skipped off to my car with a bottle of vino ! LOL !

OP posts:
GobbieMaggie · 20/04/2023 09:13

I haven't met many men who regretted getting divorced.

Trixibella · 20/04/2023 09:17

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 22:28

Are you all men or your husband was bi/closeted gay?

Show quote history

Are you not capable of working out that someone wealthy and well known is a woman?! “There can’t possibly be a wealthy successful woman so this person must be gay”. Blimey.