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Original poster

When the grass clearly wasn't greener

64 replies

greengrass2023 · 18/04/2023 15:35

This is more of a rant and I wondered if anyone else has similar stories.

I was married for 23 years. Husband had an affair and insisted that overnight, he wanted to be with his new woman who was 19 years younger than him and from the Philippines. Life didn't go so smoothy as he found himself with two new babies (our kids are mid twenties) and suddenly realized that other 56 year olds were way past the stages of changing nappies and watching Peppa Pig.

Our divorce was messy and cost me thousands and thousands of pounds. Our own kids suffered and have really been miffed over the years that they have missed out on having a dad in their lives. In the last 8 months he's moved near our house but neither of our kids have been invited over. This weekend, my son asked to spend time with him and asked if he could maybe go over for Sunday dinner. He ended up being bought a takeaway which both he and the ex had to eat on their laps in the car as the new wife was apparently fighting, yet again with my ex.

It seems so many men just get swept away, without a second thought, for a shiny new young woman, not thinking things through. Would you say this is true? I'm just a bit fed up for my own kids.

OP posts:
PottyMouthkaka · 20/04/2023 09:31

Trixibella · 20/04/2023 09:17

Are you not capable of working out that someone wealthy and well known is a woman?! “There can’t possibly be a wealthy successful woman so this person must be gay”. Blimey.

Show quote history

Are you not capable of working out that the sentence was convoluted and another poster also had to reread a few times? Or do you just enjoy creating arguments? Anyway the thread moved on from this, do keep up dear.

Trixibella · 20/04/2023 09:43

Careful “dear” - your misogyny’s showing again!

Mumsnut · 20/04/2023 09:52

I do chortle inwardly when I note that my
friends who’ve been left are now living the life their exes envisaged when THEY scarpered - lots of nights out and carefree holidays and sex - because the friends’ kids are late teens and the exes’ new kids are babies/toddlers.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 20/04/2023 14:48

There are apparently a number of men targetting Mumsnet with the express purpose of trying to push the line that men are either never responsible, or else justified in all their actions. Generally with the subtext that women are at fault.

There've been a few posts on this thread make me think some of them have dipped in here.

SpringCherryPie · 20/04/2023 15:02

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I sometimes wonder if any posters are my father! 😬He definitely thought the grass was greener, and will never ever admit he made a big mistake. If he’d left and kept up a good relationship with us, his children, I may have been more inclined to believe that he was leaving an unhappy marriage and now has found happiness. But I think men who leave children, and don’t see them are much are become Disney Dads, are running away and fooling themselves.

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 20/04/2023 16:54

SpringCherryPie · 19/04/2023 22:06

What a great post. I know of a lot of marriages which ended as the husband found a women 10 or more years younger. Unfortunately, I think this becomes ‘transactional’ relationship - the younger woman wanting to be looked after and the older man wanting to feel younger and virile again. It is not the same as falling in love at a similar age, the man and woman both finding their feet in careers, often broke and struggling but struggling together. I think the ‘transactional’ relationship isn’t as happy imho, as it’s based less on the actual person and more of what that age or attractiveness represents.

Show quote history

Most relationships are transactional, not just old man - young woman couples.
It’s very few lucky couples that ever have anything close to what you’d call ’love’.

Fairyliz · 20/04/2023 17:18

Bambooflowers · 18/04/2023 16:47

You won’t like my answer but the truth is I think for either a man or woman to end a marriage there needs to be a fundamental unhappiness and problem in the marriage.

I think honestly you shouldn’t focus on their marriage, it may also be going wrong sure, but if two kids then it’s been awhile. Being unhappy if you feel he’s not an adequate Co parent is different, but I’m sorry it doesn’t mean he needs to stay with you. I know that’s hard.

Sorry but got to disagree with this. The ones I know who left their wives weren’t particularly unhappy, just had their heads turned by a pretty young woman who would shag them a lot.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 20/04/2023 21:38

Mumsnut · 20/04/2023 09:52

I do chortle inwardly when I note that my
friends who’ve been left are now living the life their exes envisaged when THEY scarpered - lots of nights out and carefree holidays and sex - because the friends’ kids are late teens and the exes’ new kids are babies/toddlers.

Lol

27penny · 20/04/2023 21:54

Its odd on these threads, because if you read the ones that a woman says shes having and affair everyone slates her and says he will not leave his wife he wants his cake, OW bit of fluff on the side etc. Then when a man decides to leave a relationship it goes straight to there is def an OW his heads been turned, theres someone waiting in the wings 🤔🤔

abqkaklp · 20/04/2023 22:33

@Trixibella you're being rude and unfair, the poster said 'his' in their writing, it wasn't clear at all. I also initially assume he had left her for a wealthy man.

"He left for someone who was wealthy and at the time well known in his career area."

SarahDippity · 20/04/2023 23:58

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2023 02:28

I respectfully disagree with those saying he must have been unhappy.

In my, sadly extensive, experience of me and other women I know of my age (late 40's) certain types of men of a similar age are attracted to, and attractive to, younger women. They basically see a woman who was their wife before kids. IME they tend to gravitate to women who are strikingly similar to younger versions of their wives, before the kids and age happened. BAsically they seem to want to ignore the mirror and think that they are still 25 or whatever.

The problem is that they forget that what happened after they met their wives was that they got married and had kids. And that is what turned her into the person she is now. And that is what the shiny new exciting sex provider wants, so that is what they do. The babies keep him up all night instead of the new shiny sex and he has two lots of kids to provide for. But that isnt the worst bit.

The worst bit is that the new wife wants the life he promised. Because by the time he is 40 or 50 odd he often has a hell of a lot more money than he did when he was 25. She isnt the woman that worked through the hungry years with him, who helped and supported him to make that good career and big money. Who doesnt care that he has had a long day, she wants the life he promised. And then he looks at the first wife and realises......"She really loved me for who I was, not what I could give her. We worked together and I miss her". Sadly, by then she has moved on and realised that although she sacrificed what, at the time, seemed like the best years of her life she actually has the best years of her life ahead and doesnt need a sad act ex with another family he would happily abandon like he did the first one coming back to crash her party . She realises that all he actually cares about is himself, and she has learned to do the same for herself. So she smiles, feels a little regret for what he threw away and then goes out for cocktails with her friends.

I agree with this observation; it might not be universally true but I certainly observe it a lot, and it was my personal experience too. It’s like a new sunk cost: ‘well, I’ve ducked up my marriage and my wife doesn’t want me, so I’d better go all in’ even if it means another unhappy relationship.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/04/2023 00:01

Yes to the "She is living the life he left her for and he isnt"! Although in fairness he didnt leave for it so much as get chucked out for it (amongst other things).

Happened to me.

He hasnt had more kids but it turned out that the women he was knocking off behind my back (usually ex GFs that were now married) just wanted a bit of fun, that was safe as they both has marriages to lose. The young women didnt last long as they wanted more. Then suddenly it wasnt safe anymore as he was single and wanted another relationship. Hasnt seen them for dust from what I have heard and he couldnt pull in a brothel. Turns out that being nearly 60, warehousing on a temp contract*, with no money or property or .....anything really to his name isnt that attractive. I on the other hand am living a great life. Paid off my mortgage last month, work in a part time shop job but thats all I need, without the mortgage I can take the pressure off and am a lot happier as a result than I was in my career. And I have a wonderful partner who I dont live with by choice and we have lots of fun and shagging! I would rather be me any day of the week.

  • Note.....I have nothing against warehousing, after his redundancy it was all that was around and it kept us afloat until I could get back into my career that I had left after ML, but its not a fab well paid job that can provide the luxury lifestyle of holidays and fancy restaurants that any young woman he is after would expect of a man of that age. Back to the transactional thing again..........
SarahDippity · 21/04/2023 00:10

My ex lives the life of a 20-something yo with his new partner (yes, affair partner) 12/14 nights, out all the time, then struggles to be the weekend dad because he’s exhausted! They don’t have children, which I count as a mercy for the ones we have.

I’ve been admonished on here before for referring to ‘old goat syndrome’ as it was considered to infantilise and minimise his decisions, but honestly I feel it reflects the short-term blind thinking of male affair-havers who can’t contemplate that they’ll have to face any consequences.

AprilFool23 · 21/04/2023 00:28

Your ex is such an utter foolish pathetic wanker.

Your poor kids

What can you do but try to have a lovely relationship with them so at least one parent treats them well and is close to them.

His current wife sounds unhappy; maybe she used him for a visa; it takes quite a while to get independent residence, though I suppose the kids born and resident in the UK will secure that anyway (possibly one of the reasons for having them).
If she got independence residence, I wonder would she just leave him and try to get by on CM, UC, whatever work she's willing do etc.

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