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Original poster

Am I overreacting

55 replies

Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:02

So in short . My son is 15 . Visiting family the weekend and he’s having a great time . At the dinner table of family member (my side of family) my son is using his spoon to eat as well as knife and fork . My oh (sons step dad )pulls him up on this quite embarrassing saying you’re not a baby you don’t eat like that at home . My son obviously embarrassed answers back . My oh carries it on and a small argument starts at dinner table . Quite cringing 😬
I didn’t say anything but was annoyed and today when alone with oh have tried to bring this up and he says he did nothing wrong but I feel that if he just left it then no one would have felt uncomfortable as it’s not a major thing but I feel my oh is just a confrontational person . ( a 40 year old at the table also used a spoon )
I know all this may seem petty but I just feel my son was made to feel silly In front of his family when it wasn’t necessary as we weren’t exactly out in a restaurant . Am I overthinking and am I wrong for not agreeing with this

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 17/04/2023 13:08

I don't know.

But if my 17 yo daughter had done that, I'd have said something too. If I hadn't noticed and my partner had, it wouldn't bother me if he'd said something like that.

I wouldn't expect my daughter to answer rudely either.

An argument probably wasn't necessary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2023 13:12

Did you sit there silently cringing while your boyfriend had a go at your son? Did you not tell him to drop it?

Fidgety31 · 17/04/2023 13:12

It was out of order for him to embarrass your son like that . So what if he wants to eat with a spoon .
it sounds like your boyfriend has a bigger problem with your son - else he wouldn’t have done that .

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:14

Yea I think 🤔 it all just got out of hand and my oh can come across as sharp and a bit full on sometimes. Everyone just seemed a bit shocked that such a small thing caused such a bad atmosphere if I’m honest as their were other teenagers around the table also so think it all seemed cringey and not really needed

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 17/04/2023 13:14

GreyCarpet · 17/04/2023 13:08

I don't know.

But if my 17 yo daughter had done that, I'd have said something too. If I hadn't noticed and my partner had, it wouldn't bother me if he'd said something like that.

I wouldn't expect my daughter to answer rudely either.

An argument probably wasn't necessary.

What an odd way of thinking to associate eating with a spoon with something that needs correcting. Do you also think that it's only for babies? Confused

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:16

He’s my husband and sons step dad of over 10!years they get on great and no I did say well it’s like a soup lol and just lightened the mood ie complaining about the meal jokingly this stopped the argument and awkwardness

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 17/04/2023 13:18

What was he eating with the spoon?

ColadhSamh · 17/04/2023 13:18

So what if your son feels more comfortable using a spoon? Some people prefer to use hands and fingers depending on what they are eating. To call him out in company is rude and bullying. Of course your son got defensive.

You sitting there in silence indicated you supported your oh and not your son.

Witchofcawdor · 17/04/2023 13:19

Tidsleytiddy · 17/04/2023 13:18

What was he eating with the spoon?

This is what I was wondering...

Fidgety31 · 17/04/2023 13:20

@Bythesea83 but you didn’t stick up for your son when he had done nothing wrong .
what sort of message does that send to him and everyone else at that table .

Talipesmum · 17/04/2023 13:20

Out of order to bring it up in front of visiting family, especially as he’s 15. Maybe ok to say something to a 3 year old, but not ok to shame a 15 year old for something pretty innocuous in front of visitors. And daft if one of the adults was also doing it. FWIW we would sometimes use a spoon if the meal was very “soupy” and there wasn’t lots of absorbent mash etc. It’s not a massive crime!

Watchkeys · 17/04/2023 13:21

I think you're focussing on a boy and his spoon, when the issue is actually

I feel my oh is just a confrontational person

Is that accurate, @Bythesea83 ?

Tidsleytiddy · 17/04/2023 13:21

Witchofcawdor · 17/04/2023 13:19

This is what I was wondering...

Show quote history

Steak?

Wishona · 17/04/2023 13:21

I would be annoyed, but I’d snap back in the moment.

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:23

I just thought I’d say something today while we are alone as not one to have full on rows in front of family etc and wasn’t sure if I was overreacting feeling annoyed about it . I just said today that it wasn’t necessary and just caused a bad atmosphere which could have been avoided thinking he’d agree but he stands by his actions and I now think that I’m more annoyed if that makes sense I know step family’s are hard work etc but was just asking what others opinions on this we’re Obviously sometimes we all feel our children can’t do any wrong etc but I do pull my son up he’s not rude or bad behaved I think he was simply a little embarrassed

OP posts:
Wishona · 17/04/2023 13:26

I understand why you didn’t want to make a scene. But sometimes domineering and abrupt people benefit from this politeness.
If something feels wrong, do stick up for the wronged person.

Specso · 17/04/2023 13:27

Am I missing something here? What’s wrong with using a spoon to eat with? It’s not like he was eating with his fingers instead of using cutlery.

It reminds me of the episode of Downton Abbey where Lady Mary accuses Matthew of ‘not being able to hold his knife like a gentleman’. He’s a teenager just trying to eat his meal.

By the sounds of it, your partner needs to work on being less uptight and in answer to your question you’re not overthinking or being unreasonable for being annoyed by this. Why does he think it’s his place to tell him he can’t use a spoon? Completely unnecessary. If I’d have been at the table during this incident I’d have thought your OH was being a complete arse to be honest and felt very sorry for your son.

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:31

We were having Sunday lunch
and I didn’t just sit their but rather than snap and cause a big explosion I simply made light of it and it did stop all the awkwardness and worked at that time so I felt I made the right choice in that
my oh is confrontational in that he will say wat he thinks and is quite straight to the point and he does apologise if he feels he was wrong
where as I’m not controversial
so it’s not in a bad way
I’m the kind of person that would not send something back in a restaurant where as he deffo would if it wasn’t right if that makes sense . But him and my kids get on great and usually have no worries or rows
I just honestly wandered if I was overthinking by being annoyed at this
l

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:34

Ty @Specso I just think I needed a rant and yes I agree
maybe oh was having a bad day etc and being an arse
move snapped at son before and apologise but that’s wat I meant I wanted oh to realise that

OP posts:
Wishona · 17/04/2023 13:34

No you weren’t, he was being petty. Hopefully he won’t do it again now.

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:36

@Wishona I agree I feel I should maybe have been a bit more firm their and then
we are all learning as parents I guess as we go along xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:38

But yes o felt he was being petty
we both parent the kids as he has been their stepdad more or less for 10 years just over and we are usually in agreement with everything

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/04/2023 13:41

wasn’t sure if I was overreacting feeling annoyed about it

Over-reacting is an action. If you set all your partner's clothes on fire and change the locks whilst he's out, you are over-reacting to your feeling, but having the feeling (or any other feeling at all) isn't 'over-reacting. Your feelings are an expression of who you are, and just like you might like hang gliding but hate golf, or you might like crisps but hate ice cream, your feelings are you, and never 'over' or 'under' anything.

Calmly stating your feelings is never over-reacting.

I just said today that it wasn’t necessary and just caused a bad atmosphere which could have been avoided thinking he’d agree but he stands by his actions and I now think that I’m more annoyed if that makes sense

What you did today was told him what was right and wrong, which isn't respectful. What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another, and it's respectful to offer some understanding of each other's point of view. 'I felt annoyed when you did xyz, because I feel that there might have been better ways of going about it' would have been the healthy, respectful approach. You can't tell another adult that they're 'wrong', especially not in a situation like this, where there are a billion variables. You're not in charge of him. You can only really offer your feelings, and hope that he will respect them if the situation comes up again.

Tidsleytiddy · 17/04/2023 13:44

I would’ve jumped in to defend my son saying “fucking leave him alone will you” if I thought he was being picked on. On the other hand, he’s 15. Surely a roast dinner should be eaten with a knife and fork? Just saying…

Original poster
Bythesea83 · 17/04/2023 13:45

@Watchkeys
yes that makes a lot more sense
I think maybe I have bought it up today in the wrong way . I will try again later to just have a little chat and hopefully resolve what should have been just a little silly thing that has got out of hand Thankyou xx

OP posts: