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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends Engagement - struggling!

61 replies

ConsultioConsultius · 17/04/2023 09:08

Someone please tell me I'm mad or they've felt the same before but one of my oldest friends got engaged a few weeks back. Of course I am happy for her but also feel a pang of jealousy and resentment, I've been with my partner nearly 10 years, we have a beautiful child together but no ring and no sign of one. When I have asked him about this before he just says that we Will and he doesn't want any pressure but surely if he was going to he would have already?

Sadly I'm struggling to talk to my friend much because of my feelings atm (100% my problem i know that) and have days where I feel like I'm grieving a life ill never have.

I am very happy in other aspects and enjoy life overall and love the little family unit we have but just always envisioned myself getting married one day so just feeling a bit mopey this Monday morning.

Also think AF is on her way (first one post birth) which might contribute to my low mood.

OP posts:

Mortimercat · 17/04/2023 09:18

You do really need to overcome the feelings you have towards your friend, as I am sure you already know, it is not her fault.

Who or what is AF?

Original poster

ConsultioConsultius · 17/04/2023 09:20

Mortimercat · 17/04/2023 09:18

You do really need to overcome the feelings you have towards your friend, as I am sure you already know, it is not her fault.

Who or what is AF?

Oh I know believe me today being unreasonable especially as overall I have a nice life! Just a feeling I couldn't shake especially as they've been together half the time myself and my OH have.

Oh lol af is my period, currently feeling the first one in nearly 2 years (breastfeeding) so hormones are probs not helping my feelings.

OP posts:

AuContraire · 17/04/2023 09:27

Yes, YABU (as you know).

If it's this important to you, you need to sit down with your DP and have a grown-up discussion, so he understandshow importantthis is to you. What is the "pressure" he's feeling? What is putting him off? Does he feel he needs to make a big instagrammable proposal event? Or is it a big wedding that's putting him off? Or is it that he's just not sure he wants to get married to you? If so, why? Are you unbalanced financially? Are you bad with money? Do you argue too much? Some of these issues you can sort out by explaining that you (eg) just want to have a small intimate wedding ceremony, others (like he doesn't see a long term future with you) it's better you know what kind of man he is.

Certainly you can't go through life with this upsetting you this much to the point you feel this way about your friend's engagement, that's so unhealthy.

Isthisexpected · 17/04/2023 09:30

Are you waiting for an engagement? Why not say I'd like to get married this year. Can we discuss setting a date?

I suspect, given what he's told you about "pressure", driving this is either some fear about a big wedding or he's happy to be in your life but doesn't want to make the financial commitment of a marriage in case someone else comes along.

Pseudonamed · 17/04/2023 09:42

You could propose to him you know. If he says no then you know you have an answer and can work around it instead of sitting in limbo waiting for him to propose.

Hiddenvoice · 17/04/2023 09:48

I’ve been in a similar position and it’s tough because you’re craving the marriage etc and it feels like you’re getting no where with it. You need to remind yourself that it’s not your friends fault. Go talk to her, tell her you’re happy for her but also mega jealous and want that for yourself. Right now she is probably wondering why you are being so distant with her.

The issue you have is with your dp not your friend, so keep reminding yourself. Don’t pressure dp into getting engaged/ married. That won’t end well and there will be a lot of resentment on his side. If he says it’s going to happen then you either trust that it will happen when he is ready and not feeling pressured or you ask for a break to see what you want from life.

You are happy, keep telling yourself that, keep reminding yourself that you like your life, the only thing you dislike is not sharing a surname with your family. You can explain that to dp. Maybe he doesn’t want a big wedding, maybe he doesn’t want a big show of it when you’re already living together as a family.

I know it’s an emotional time but AF won’t be helping and will be making your hormones crazy right now.

CurlewKate · 17/04/2023 09:48

Please don't carry on living like this. If you want to be married, sit down with your partner and talk about it. You need to know where you stand. And you need to stop letting him have this power over you. (I speak as someone who is not married and never want to be, but who is very aware of the impact this has on my long term partner.)

Hiddenvoice · 17/04/2023 09:51

Also, my dh was like this. He kept telling me that we would be married , have the family etc but nothing ever seemed to be happening. I’d send him rings, his parents would ask, mine too. Friends would even joke about it. He openly said he felt a pressure to make it perfect, that everyone had big expectations and it was putting him off. He was trying to ignore everyone’s opinions but he was worried what I would be thinking. Once we told everyone to back off, he did it in his own time and his own way.

I know people will say men lie about pressure etc but it does impact them.

My friend was pressured into proposing. He bought the ring, proposed how she would like and 10 years later he is still avoiding planning the wedding as he just isn’t interested.

Mythril · 17/04/2023 09:55

I think you know YABU to take out your frustrations on your friend (even if just in your head). You are in control of your life. You are the one who has chosen to stay with a man who won't marry you.

It sounds like your resentment of DP is getting pretty high. Could it eventually build to you leaving him? You could tell him in no uncertain terms you want to get married, and that it's time to set a date. What do you think would happen in that case?

Suprima · 17/04/2023 10:04

I think it’s pretty crazy that you’re blaming your hormones for being entangled that a man who you have had a child for, spent 10 years with and whose life you undoubtedly enhance does not want to marry you

it’s normal that you are upset and jealous

he knows that low key registry office weddings and elopements exist, unless you both live under a rock. I don’t know why people constantly roll out expectations of a Katie price and Peter andre princess wedding to continue to justify why men get wifey benefits without any skin in the game

men who want to get married, propose marriage OR when discussed as part of a joint conversation, are equally delighted and go along with it.

gettingolderbutcooler · 17/04/2023 10:09

@Mortimercat
Auntie Flo- period!

Mortimercat · 17/04/2023 10:11

gettingolderbutcooler · 17/04/2023 10:09

@Mortimercat
Auntie Flo- period!

Never heard that. In fact I googled it earlier and still didn’t get it. ☺️

KillerSandy · 17/04/2023 10:13

"Now that we have Baby what do you think about legalising this situation?" let's see what he says.

CurlewKate · 17/04/2023 10:14

I'm not in the habit of defending men, and I'm not in this case! But I do want to say that it's possible to be completely committed to a partner and a family without wanting to be married. I am definitely not saying that's what's going on here. But it is a thing.

SavBlancTonight · 17/04/2023 10:19

Your issue isn't with your friend, it's with your DP. You want to be married, and he doesn't. The question is whether this is a deal breaker for you or not and if it is, notwithstanding all the people who will tell you not to "put pressure" on him, it's perfectly reasonable to make it clear that it is a dealbreaker. And then, if he still doesn't want to get married, you should walk away.

Also, as you now have a baby together and aren't married with the legal protection that gives you, I hope you have organised finances in a way that offers you protection? Shared name on the house and mortgage? Him paying his way based on his income vs yours, particularly during your ML etc?

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 10:21

Why don’t you propose if it’s so important to you?

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 10:21

Perhaps your fella doesn’t actually want to get married, but he’s just making the right noises to keep you happy.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 17/04/2023 10:23

Blaming the wrong person. It’s a total waste of your life to spend ten years with someone who doesn’t want to marry you. Why did you have the baby knowing that? It just makes it ten times more complicated. Unless you’re extremely well off yourself it’s not financially savvy to have children with someone without being married.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/04/2023 10:24

Me and my partner have been together 15 years, and have never married. It's just not for either of us. We are however completely committed to each other and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. You don't neccesarily have to get married to have that.

However, if getting married is important to you, then you need to have that conversation with your partner, and you need to set timescales that you are happy with. After 10 years, he's had his chance to do the big surprise proposal, it's not going to happen at this point.

If, at the end of that conversation you're engaged, then great, set a timescale for the wedding. If not, then it's time to accept that you're not marrying this man, either accept it or end the relationship.

Original poster

ConsultioConsultius · 17/04/2023 10:34

Thanks for your posts everyone! In terms of finances I am fine, have a good career myself and earn Well also, name on house and mortgage so safe there, would never have done it any other way. He paid his way throughout my ML yes but at the same time I was lucky I saved and had a enhanced package from my work.

I'm game for an elopement to be honest now we have the child I'm more than happy to bugger off somewhere with just DD and maybe both sets of parents and just have something small and intimate, I'm not fussed on having something massive.

I have made it clear and it's not that I want to end the relationship as otherwise we are happy but more about where I stand, if he doesn't then he just needs to tell me so I can process that myself because with him saying "we will we will" creates hope and I'd rather it not be false hope.

@Hiddenvoice this sounds like my OH tbh pressure seems to get to him so he might do what your DH did and do it in his own way but I think its that feeling of watching your friends all get married, forever the bridesmaid never the bride kind of feeling I suppose!!

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 10:37

My hubby who had never been married before and according to his family never wanted to with anyone proposed within 2 weeks of meeting and a month later we were married lol after me saying never again after a disastrous one 10 years ago. Now we into 4th year 3 under 2s and happy as anything. I love it now its the right person and a tiny bit of me loves that the kids are all born in marriage to 😀

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 17/04/2023 10:40

So you're saying that the OP should be worried her boyfriend will meet "the right person" and propose to them within weeks?

It does happen but seems a bit insensitive of you @LadyJ2023

ModestMoon · 17/04/2023 10:41

If you're happy to elope and it really is about the marriage, rarher than how the whole things looks, why don't you just propose?
Make clear to him you want to get married. Then ask him: how does June 2024 (or whatever) sound? And book the damn thing! You are not a passive agent in your own life, you don't have to wait for a man to hand you what you want. You can go out and get it for yourself.

CurlewKate · 17/04/2023 10:41

@Kickingupmerrybehaviour "It’s a total waste of your life to spend ten years with someone who doesn’t want to marry you. Why did you have the baby knowing that? It just makes it ten times more complicated. Unless you’re extremely well off yourself it’s not financially savvy to have children with someone without being married."
I'll just pop and tell my partner they've wasted nearly 40 years of their life, shall I

ModestMoon · 17/04/2023 10:44

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 17/04/2023 10:23

In my case it does make financial sense. We are not well off, but I earn almost 3 times as much as he does. If we broke up, it won't cost me much.

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