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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends Engagement - struggling!

61 replies

ConsultioConsultius · 17/04/2023 09:08

Someone please tell me I'm mad or they've felt the same before but one of my oldest friends got engaged a few weeks back. Of course I am happy for her but also feel a pang of jealousy and resentment, I've been with my partner nearly 10 years, we have a beautiful child together but no ring and no sign of one. When I have asked him about this before he just says that we Will and he doesn't want any pressure but surely if he was going to he would have already?

Sadly I'm struggling to talk to my friend much because of my feelings atm (100% my problem i know that) and have days where I feel like I'm grieving a life ill never have.

I am very happy in other aspects and enjoy life overall and love the little family unit we have but just always envisioned myself getting married one day so just feeling a bit mopey this Monday morning.

Also think AF is on her way (first one post birth) which might contribute to my low mood.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 17/04/2023 10:49

100% propose to him or say let’s get a date set. My husband and I actually set the date before he proposed, but we weren’t that fussed by a big wedding or engagement or anything we just wanted to be married.

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 10:56

KillerSandy · 17/04/2023 10:13

"Now that we have Baby what do you think about legalising this situation?" let's see what he says.

I agree.

I wouldn't wait forever and would set a deadline & a time limit.

Say, maximum 1 year.

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 10:57

I also would want marriage before having a baby together.

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 10:58

That's the way I was expecting it and it happened this way.

LemonPeonies · 17/04/2023 10:58

It's like the infertile women who get jealous of their friends for having kids. Quick way to lose Friends.

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 10:59

It's very childish to drag it forever especially when you have good relations.

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 11:00

Mature men propose and marry their loved ones.

Velvian · 17/04/2023 11:00

Does your DC have your last name @ConsultioConsultius ?

Sunnygirl07 · 17/04/2023 11:01

The wedding can be cheap enough. The wedding dress photos are lovely memories if it works out.

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 11:01

Interesting that your negative feelings are being triggered by your friend and not the one you are in a relationship with. Posts like this really annoy me, if marriage is important to you then prioritise it. It’s not your friends fault that you have decided to wait around 1950 ‘s style for a man (who probably doesn’t even want to get married, despite talk of wanting the opposite) to propose. It’s 2023 FFS!

annonymousmouseinyourhouse · 17/04/2023 11:01

Pressure from a marriage but has been with you for 10 years and you have a child together? Sounds like excuses to me.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 17/04/2023 11:03

Tell him by this time next year you would like to be married, in anyway he wants, so big wedding, small wedding, run away, just a small family affair whatever.

MsRosley · 17/04/2023 11:09

Your partner is taking the piss. Unmarried women do not have the financial security under the law that married women have. Even if he has some kind of philosophical objection to marriage, he is being very selfish and putting his needs first. As it is, he's just avoiding committing to you, while dangling it over you like a carrot.

In your shoes, I absolutely would give him an ultimatum, and make it clear how much his behaviour is hurting you.

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2023 11:10

Doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you; but it’s not your friends fault that you’ve chosen someone who doesn’t want to commit fully to you

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 17/04/2023 11:11

The problem is not with your friend, it’s with your partner.

HermioneWeasley · 17/04/2023 11:16

For goodness sake, just book the registry office and tell him the date.

Original poster
ConsultioConsultius · 17/04/2023 11:36

@ActDottie I'm feeling the same nothing big or overly mega, tbh the money would be better spend on our DC so happy to do something intimate.

@Velvian our DC has his surname, rookie mistake.i know!! 🙈🙈🙈

Fair points from everyone else to be honest I have thought he probably doesn't want to as I'm very much of the "if he wanted to he would" mentality I think I just need to hear it from the horses mouth or just accept it make a decision and move on basically. Or book the reg office and give him a date.

I know the problem isn't with my friend and its not her fault, I get I'm unreasonable there I was just expressing the feelings I can't shake.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 17/04/2023 11:46

Why not just buy two rings and propose to your partner. ?

You don't have to wait till he's "ready". Tell him it's time.

sweetdreamstenasee · 17/04/2023 11:54

Your problem is with your partner and not your friend and I you should keep this in mind when you have negative feelings toward her and you know she’s done nothing wrong so please don’t push her away.

Sorry you’re struggling. I have pangs of jealousy with my friends that own houses, but I remember I have things that they want but don’t have, I’m not saying that in a competitive way more so we all are at different stages and living different lives.

Baabaa75 · 17/04/2023 11:59

I'm sorry hon I know you don't want to hear it but you're not married by now because he doesn't want to. It's up to you whether you stay and accept things as they are, after 10 years he's unlikely to change his mind. Could be any number of reasons why. 💐

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 17/04/2023 12:02

How about telling your DP that marriage is really important to you and that if he's not prepared to get married (to you!) this year I.E. before 31st Dec 2023 then he needs to put his cards on the table and say that.

Based on what he says, you will make future plans.

Those future plans will either be:

A) planning the wedding

Or B) changing your DC's surname to yours and deciding if this is the relationship you want to be in.

You're not declaring that you'll leave if he doesn't marry you this year, but you are saying that marriage is so important to you, you will consider leaving an option if he doesn't want it (and not at some possible random time in the future, you've been together a decade, that's long enough, the wedding would need to happen this year).

I would also point out that you feel tricked into giving your DC his surname, which is a tradition based on the parents being married.

You made that decision based on his promises to marry you, but he can't expect that tradition (his DC's surname) to be fulfilled if he's not prepared to marry you.

He shouldn't feel this is you pressuring him, he should acknowledge that if he was truly prepared to commit to you for the rest of his life he would be putting his money where his mouth is and after a decade you deserve to know where you stand.

Velvian · 17/04/2023 12:02

I think you should have your last name added to your child's name. Get that ball rolling.

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 12:13

OP,

Don't have another child with this man.

I have very little understanding of why women are prepared to have a child with a man whom they have been with for years, bought a house with, but whom refuses to get married.

It makes no sense at all.

Don't have another child with such a man.

You have given this man far too much power over you and your happiness.

He doesn't want to marry you and will string you along.

Having a child with someone is a huge commitment and if a man really loved a woman, he would see this and be honest about his views on marriage, not string you along with maybe or some day.🙄

By agreeing to everything on his terms, you have given your power and choices to him.

Hanging around hoping he will deign to marry you some day is so humiliating IMO.

You deserve so much better.

For goodness sake don't go and have another child with him.

He doesn't deserve you.

InSpainTheRain · 17/04/2023 12:48

If you have gone so far as having a child together why can't you ask him about getting married? Just talk to him, say you'd like to get married and it's important to you. Although as you've had a child it sounds like this may be news to him! And I think YABVU about your friend!

Naunet · 17/04/2023 13:07

Op, without wishing to sound harsh, your annoyance should really be directed at yourself and your partner, not your friend, as you’ve already acknowledged. You had a baby with him AND gave the child his name, against tradition, when this is something you should have insisted comes after marriage. At this point, why would he marry you? It’s likely only to mean he loses more in the event of a split, with no benefit to him in his mind.

I think your best bet is to tell him bluntly that you want to be married by the end of next year, no excuses, no whining about pressure, he’s had 10 years already and you’re not going to passively wait any longer. Alternatively you accept that he doesn’t want to get married, and that your current set up isn’t going to change. I’d also look into changing your child’s name to add your last name.