Friends Engagement - struggling!

[ConsultioConsultius]

Someone please tell me I'm mad or they've felt the same before but one of my oldest friends got engaged a few weeks back. Of course I am happy for her but also feel a pang of jealousy and resentment, I've been with my partner nearly 10 years, we have a beautiful child together but no ring and no sign of one. When I have asked him about this before he just says that we Will and he doesn't want any pressure but surely if he was going to he would have already?

Sadly I'm struggling to talk to my friend much because of my feelings atm (100% my problem i know that) and have days where I feel like I'm grieving a life ill never have.

I am very happy in other aspects and enjoy life overall and love the little family unit we have but just always envisioned myself getting married one day so just feeling a bit mopey this Monday morning.

Also think AF is on her way (first one post birth) which might contribute to my low mood.

I think you need to understand that some people just don’t want to get married- doesn’t mean they don’t love the person they are with. Clearly you devoted yourselves to eachother in every other way- it wasn’t important enough for you to marry before the other commitments so why let it get to you so much now?

Because unmarried women are not as well protected financially or legally.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

That is not what OP's DP has said @OnlyFoolsnMothers - he has been stringing her along so far.

The DC even has his name, presumably on the understanding that they would all have the same name. None of this manipulation and women kindly handing over their power (of naming DC) is unusual.

Fair enough if men are up front about never being married and fair enough if they understand that their DC will not have their name, but that is not the situation.

This

Well that’s fine, but they need to be honest about it, not string someone along.

Exactly.

If he was honest that he has zero interest in ever getting married, that's fine.

But he has strung her along and she has been so silly to give her child, his name.

Unbelievable.

The sad truth is, when you compromise on the stuff that is important to you, and hand all the power over to men, against your own interests, you can't be surprised if you come across as desperate.

Giving your child HIS name and he won't marry you.

Unbelievable.

If you want your life to be better, make better choices.

This is the bottom line.
I mean it kindly.

He has no reason to marry you if he doesn't want to.

Why have a child with a man who doesn't want to marry you?

If the commitment isn't there for marriage, when YOU clearly want it, then having a child is the wrong decision for you.

Don't have another child with him.

You are sad about your friend because of your choices.

You had other choices to make, but you decided to give him a commitment from you in having a child, with HIS name, when he wouldn't marry you.

You need to be honest with yourself and him.

Start protecting yourself and making decisions that put YOU first.

Not this man whom you have handed all your power and life choices to.

You deserve better.

Celebrate with your friend. Tell your dp how crap his lack of interest in making a legal commitment to you makes you feel. Get in good contraception. Do not have another child with this man unless he provides you with legal protection. If you can change the name on the birth certificate I would. Don't pressure me is not an ok response. I would give him an ultimatum and mean it. He has not intention of marrying you and no reason to. You are not happy with the status quo. He needs to step up or make way for someone else.

Thanks for the pointers, advice and opinions all of you, we are definitely committed in other ways and I had brought up marriage previously before baby was born and told it would happen. In all honesty I did think i would at least have a ring by now!

I have saved the citizens advice page so thanks for that, I understand married women do have more protection but I feel (and hope) I have protected myself and baby adequately for now.

I do bring it up on occasion and do feel that yes after so many years I am unlikely to get that romantic proposal my friends have had in the past but at this point I feel it appropriate to just be married, we would have the same name and just feel better I think personally for myself and child of course. I'd honestly just get it done when we go away in the summer and seriously considering it! 🤔

Buy your own ring?

Honestly OP, I was with someone for ten years who strung me along llike that. He said he wanted to, but just... not now.... and I mustn't put too much pressure on him... and he would ask when he was ready... and we were buying a house this year... and moving house that year... and there was always a reason. He also used to say 'every time you mention marriage that's another six months you'll have to wait.' He was a delight, I'm sure you can imagine.

I'm now married. Not to him.

I left him after 10 years of that bullshit, I realised I deserved better and ditched him. I met my now DH and he proposed about 8 weeks after we first met. Apparently he just knew. And didn't run away when I said 'Ummm..... no! I don't know you well enough!' He did wait a sensible amount of time though, and then asked again. We've been married 5 years now, and together for 7. My only regret is giving up 10 years of my life to the previous dick head.

Of course married women are more protected- but not all women work part time or become sahms!!!
I think not wanting to marry is still seen as a negative- evidently from the reaction from
MN- so I don’t think it’s as bad as stringing the Op along intentionally but rather not wanting to say out loud “I don’t want to get married”.