Husband's admission that his friend is a mysoginist

[Roastpotatoey]

I recently fell out with my husband about the division of labour at home. This is because I will sometimes send him photographs of the shitty work he creates for me when he dumps things and doesn't put them away or leaves food mouldering away in the sink after washing up. I thought the visuals might help change his behaviour! Most of the women I know just put up with this sort of thing for fear of creating arguments, I'm not like this at all.

However, he has recently shared these images with his friends who are apparently mortified that I sometimes send him photographs of his sloppy ways. He probably gets 1 photo a fortnight maximum- this certainly isn't a daily or even weekly thing! I send the photo, he adjust his behaviour for a short time and we move on, or atleast I thought we did. There is no need to argue about it- he gets the picture and I share my frustration clearly "this is soul destroying having to clear this corner again today." He then clears the corner and we continue our lives. Im also certainly not a perfectionist at all when it comes to housekeeping he is just generally quite sloppy.

He has since told me that none of his friends wives do this or even challenge his friends about his sort of thing. I believe him. This does not surprise me at all and I have accused his friendship group of being arrogant mysoginists. He argued that they weren't, that only one of them is a mysoginist- the guy he happens to spend most of his time with and gives him the most advice. He also happens to be a cheating scumbag whose wife never stands up to him. My husband thinks his wife is "nice" because she's ao compliant but she's actually a doormat.

I will not be his doormat.

I barely know this friendship group. I have been out with them a few times in 10 years but my husband has regularly told me "you wouldn't like them."
I can now see why.

Also, I really don't know how I feel about him spending time with a man who is clearly, by his admission, a "mysoginist."

This friendship group are putting ideas in his head that I'm unfair to expect him to behave like an equal adult in this house and not expect me to clean up after him. This doesn't feel good. I can see that they are coming between us and I'm upset that he is happy to continue his close friendship with someone he describes as a mysoginist himself!

Am I right to be concerned about this "friendship" group that he clearly values so much? What can I do or expect from him moving forward?

Sending him a photo of his ‘crime’ is a bit much.
Why can’t you just talk to him?

Because he always says I'm picking an argument @WhirlAndCleek so then we have an argument.

I thought this way, we could avoid arguing at all! And it has been working (or so I thought). I have also tried post-its in the past but he said he couldn't deal with "negative notes" either 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't be happy either. People we surround ourselves with can have such a big influence, why would he want to be around a misogynist so much?

Yu can't exactly tell a grown man who to be friends with but the fact he's happy to be around these kind of people isn't great.

I'd make your stance clear and avoid ever mixing with those neanderthals

I think he is using his pals as scapegoats to redirect your ire…

The problem is your husband.

He’s making the messes because he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t give a flying fuck about inconveniencing you until you start mildly annoying him about it.
He is complaining to his friends about what an unreasonable bitch you are.
He is deliberately letting you know he admires his friends doormat wife to send you a message.
He is deliberately trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unreasonable by telling you all his mates have normal wives and think you’re awful.

He’s telling you who HE actually is and why he chose mates like those. It’s him, he’s a misogynist.

Also, this will be hard to hear but you’re already taking his shit by accepting that the clean up your mess text is just a regular fortnightly thing for the rest of time. 💐

Invite him to get a new wife or pay for a cleaner, otherwise he needs to clear up after himself . I mean why is he even sharing this nonsense with these people? How would he feel if you started to share his texts to you with your mates?

Controlling for speaking out about him creating extra domestic workload for me? Are you for real @Humanswarm?

Keep quiet and clear up after him it is then! 🤦‍♀️

I very much doubt your husband is talking about you when with his mates. Men don’t tend to talk about their wives when they are together. Leave them to it.

@Roastpotatoey no, the photos are controlling. If you can't just ask nicely, when something bothers you, there really is an issue. And that's far deeper than the 'misogynistic friends' your husband apparently keeps.
My partner often fails to see what I see, in terms of household chores, never would I send him a photo saying it's 'soul destroying'.
Bizarre behaviour.

OP. Have a look for the “Bridging the Gap” community. They’ll have a ton of advice for you x

Yabu to call his friend’s wife a doormat. She might be trapped - financially/kids/whatever. She might clear up after him because it will make her life less stressful overall - avoiding conflict for example. But in any case, that’s not really your problem.

your problem is with your own husband who leaves mess around like a disrespectful pig. Tackle this with a conversation. Photos are only necessary if he is actually so stupid that he doesnt know what crap or mess he’s left.

You shouldn't have to ask. I tell my kids every time they leave shit for me to clear up what they are saying is "sod mum she can do it" and teaching them that their choice to be untidy is an expression of contempt for me.

I wouldn't keep sending the texts but keep telling him in person.

The friendship is a red herring. Just leave it. The untidiness is the problem not his friends.

Before you make judgements, I've explained very clearly upthread why the photos.

Id much rather have a conversation.

I agree with your perception of the behaviour @ZenNudist. I can't speak to him about it as he won't listen or accuses me of starting an argument. He needs the visuals to be able to "see" the mess for himself. Every conversation I've had with him, he literally "forgets" and does the same thing again the following day. The photos are intended to pin the behaviour down more. But he just takes offense no matter how I try to communicate the issue.

This friendship group are putting ideas in his head.

His inaction/ sloppiness is either deliberate or he forgets. Which is it? You sound like you’re talking about a child. This is who he is, his friendship group is just a reflection of that. You need to decide if living with teenage boy is a deal breaker because he’s not going to change.

The crime scene photos aren’t working and won’t work because he doesn’t care. His counter arguments about his friends wives just show how pathetic your H is.

He’s not broken, he just doesn’t give a fuck. So stop trying to fix him.

His friends should be mortified your H is such a pig that you have to send pics. His friends also sound like pigs, lucky them that their wives pick up after them.
In saying that the picture thing, probably best to have a conversation with him and maybe draw up a roster if he's incapable of helping. Or leave his mess for him to tidy up.

I think you're right to be concerned. My ex (who was by no means perfect, but at least not secretive or abusive - low bar I know) fell in with a new work crowd, who were all getting up to all sorts of shit. I didn't send pictures, I just had the big box of things he's too important to pick up.

A few years, cocaine, steroids, prostitutes and saunas later (this all came out in the last couple of months of the relationship), and I had to end it - at which point he immediately moved in with a stripper, abandoning the kids for 6 months (and seeing them rarely ever since)

I realise mine is an extreme case, but no, you are absolutely not wrong to be concerned.

I can understand why you resorted to photographing the sloppy scenes but I think it illustrates a deeper problem. If you can't talk to him about what is bothering you then that is a big relationship issue.

Can you talk to him about other stuff (that can't be photographed) that bothers you? Is there other stuff he does that bothers you? What is your relationship like more generally?

The friendship group might be indicative of something but your focus should be his behaviour within your relationship.

What do your friends think about you photographing his sloppiness?

Isn’t that a bit like a kid saying “but Tommy is allowed/doesn’t have to”?

If a fella sent me photos of things I'd done 'wrong' I'd be calling him an abusive prick, and my friends would have stronger opinions, can guarantee it.

I'd sit down with him, politely, and work on your mutual respect and communication.

Your relationship dynamics sound really odd. I think the friendship thing is completely separate .. my DH and I have completely different groups of friends and we just socialise independently. You sound far too bothered about what his friends do or say.

But to send photos of incomplete housekeeping sounds so strange ... are you confident that your own standards and contribution to the running of the home are 100% perfect? In my marriage there are things we both do 'differently' and I am pretty sure that we both feel exasperated from time to time but the key is compromise ... I can't imagine being sent a photograph as if I was a lazy teenager. Perhaps you need to consider marriage counselling or have a long, hard think about the future of your relationship?

My abusive ex used to send me photos of things i had not done, like left a glass out etc. It was incredibly emotionally damaging for me.

I guess we all read into it based on our own experiences.

After the 100th time of finding ex's dirty socks under the computer table, or him not pulling the blanket up on the bed so the cats get in and leave twigs, or just dumping everything out of his pockets on the table and leaving it there for days (only picking out the bits he wants to put back in his pocket) or leaving the lid off the toothpaste, with past dangling out and smeared all over the sink, or the basket full of very slightly damp from the tumble drier washing in the kitchen for days, or any one of 100, individually little things, but which he just left for me to sort out (along with the kids and work, and bills etc), and didn't listen when I said that I needed him to at least attempt to at least tidy up after himself, even if he didn't contribute to anything else - I think that taking a picture (or putting everything in a box for him to sort out) is restrained.

@ToBeOrNotToBee thank you. Exactly what I was trying to communicate.
Those saying it's okay to take photos, possibly once, but OP states she does this possibly once a fortnight. If my partner took photos, because I hadn't completed the ironing or last night's tea dishes, I'd sure as hell message my friends and tell them. And they'd sure as hell tell me that was controlling and abusive.
If OP you want a conversation, as you state, then maybe stop the passive aggressive way in which you're attempting to do so.
Stop worrying about what's going on in his friends live's and households, and think about ways to communicate more effectively.

It sounds as if you’ve got stuck in a parent/child dynamic rather than adult/adult. Worrying about his friends being a bad influence is the sort of thing that parents do with teenagers. He’s an adult man and needs to take responsibility for himself.

Although I don’t think the photos are controlling, it also sounds like they’re not very effective. He hasn’t raised his game- in fact he’s shared them with his friends and is now telling you that none of his friends’ mums make them tidy their rooms wives expect them to tidy up after themselves. (FWIW I wouldn’t assume that this is true any more than it’s true in the teenage example.)

He needs to stop acting like a kid and you need to stop acting like his mum. Decide what you’re willing to accept and communicate it. Then stick to it.