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Original poster

What to do SAHM

55 replies

1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:04

Have been with my husband 22 years . Married for 4
Always been a good partner despite age difference . 14 years my junior
I was in a professional job , reasonable earner with own house . He was new to area and we started going out . I was anxious because of age difference and messy break up four years earlier and not really looking for a relationship, happy single woman when we met .

He was different to my usual type , kindhearted , loving and respectful. We had great holidays and moved in to together I never felt so sure .
We had Dd after 7 years together and bought our first joint home . My original home stayed in my name and is rented .

When first Dd born I went back to work part time and my partner was doing well in his career . We had 2nd Dd 6 years later and I returned to work . My job became less flexible and my (now ) husband had opportunities to earn more and work away so we agreed for me to became stay at home mum in 2018.
Then covid
Now I hardly recognise my husband . He says he loves his job but he is short tempered especially if he's had even 1 drink , he seems bitter , sniping back that I don't earn money and it's all on him .
We have a big mortgage and I've supported him through redundancy. He now works away 2 nights a week

I've given him option to sell our house and live with smaller outgoings
I've said I'm happy to return to work once I have recovered from an operation pending , but will have to work out childcare for youngest in junior school

He seems really unhappy and makes plans for weekends away without asking
Next one is next bank holiday 4 days
Last year was 3 weeks in Spain walking

I know he has s stressful job but he's around less and less at weekends .
I can only see friends at weekends so I have started seeing for lunch every couple of weeks on a Saturday for a few hours . But there is always some comment about me being home all week.

I'm really unhappy that our relationship is now like this .

He is not seeing another woman I know for sure . He just seems really unhappy and I'm getting the brunt of it all

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:12

How old was he when you got together?

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:13

So one DD 15? The other 9?

Makewayforsummer · 16/04/2023 16:14

I would start looking for a job.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/04/2023 16:14

Sorry OP that sounds really miserable. Can I ask why you think he's not seeing another woman? This especially springs to mind if he's booking long weekends and weeks off by himself...

Have you sat down and asked him why he's so snappy and miserable?

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:14

we have been successful in being allowed to be parents of a most gorgeous girl who moved in with last year,( now aged 2) adoption order has been granted and as a little family unit , me hubby and other daughter we are doing really well, we all love each other to bits. Have good friends around us and busy social life with friends and other children.

on another thread you say this?

Pashy · 16/04/2023 16:15

You need a job. Either so that there’s less pressure on him and you’re both contributing, or so that you’re financially independent when you split.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:16

So that was during the good times… and when did it start to go downhill?

Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:19

He was 20 , he left home at 17 . Our Dd born when he was 26 . Although we lived together we had lots of freedom to see friends , holiday separately and together which reduced when we became a family and then 4 of us .

He doesn't want to separate but he's very hard to live with his moods

Friends have suggested mid life crisis ( he's 42) . But it's hard to throw away 22 years that have been happy

OP posts:
Pashy · 16/04/2023 16:19

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:14

we have been successful in being allowed to be parents of a most gorgeous girl who moved in with last year,( now aged 2) adoption order has been granted and as a little family unit , me hubby and other daughter we are doing really well, we all love each other to bits. Have good friends around us and busy social life with friends and other children.

on another thread you say this?

That thread is seven years old.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:20

He was very young Op and hasn’t finished off the puberty process in makes. I suspect that the man you got together with at 20 has essentially grown up and changed.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:21

Pashy · 16/04/2023 16:19

That thread is seven years old.

Show quote history

Yes so it was good then

but a year later Op sayes in another thread

i know , as you can tell i have a lot of things im not happy about but he makes me feel a failure for not waving him off with a smile and " have a good time darling " then not welcoming him home.

so things have been difficult with him for many years

Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:23

Yes this is indeed 7 years ago . How is this relevant?

This started a year ago .

He goes away with a friends husband . Lots of pictures of mountains , tents , bikes and walking trails. Not other woman activities .

OP posts:
Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:25

Little grumbles of exhaustion post 2 child and difficult work situation . Not on
level of what I'm writing about now .

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:26

Op
20-42 is a time of huge change for a man

much less so than a woman of 34-55

Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:28

Yes I do know about age but I had many friends whose husbands had children aged 26 and our other daughter very wanted especially by him . I was more reticent.

I'm talking about how to handle situation now and the past year

OP posts:
Effieswig · 16/04/2023 16:30

1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:19

He was 20 , he left home at 17 . Our Dd born when he was 26 . Although we lived together we had lots of freedom to see friends , holiday separately and together which reduced when we became a family and then 4 of us .

He doesn't want to separate but he's very hard to live with his moods

Friends have suggested mid life crisis ( he's 42) . But it's hard to throw away 22 years that have been happy

He was twenty and you 34 when you together.

You married someone who was a very young adult. He hadn’t developed entirely. Who is was at 20 isn’t who he is now, that he has matured. He has lived another 22 years with you. That’s more than half his lifetime with you.

I married at twenty. At 40 I am a very different person. That marriage, to an older partner did not last because they seems to assume I would stay the same. Some ways better, someways I am harder. Less accommodating. More selfish.

I now have a 20 year old. I am absolutely horrified at thought that I married at that age. I can see now how wrong it was. A 34 year old with a 20 year old is entirely inappropriate in my opinion. The power imbalance is off. And in my experience, the relationship always starts off with the older persons needs and wants being met as the priority. the older one then really doesn’t like it when you younger one changes and matures and eventually wants their own life. Rather than a life built around their older partner.

Effieswig · 16/04/2023 16:33

Also, I suggest you go back to work asap.

Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:37

@Effieswig

We met when he was 20 and I was 34
I was very aware of age and didn't want him having regrets so our relationship was casual with lots of freedom until we decided to have our Dd 6 years later and planned .
We married in 2019. He was hardly trapped by me . If anything I gave lots of allowances because of his age with him holidaying after our eldest was born until
we got our second child .

OP posts:
Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:40

I'm absolutely planning on getting a job to have some equality in my life
I'm scheduled for an operation and after recovery I'm applying

OP posts:
Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:41

What do I do about now though

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:43

1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:37

@Effieswig

We met when he was 20 and I was 34
I was very aware of age and didn't want him having regrets so our relationship was casual with lots of freedom until we decided to have our Dd 6 years later and planned .
We married in 2019. He was hardly trapped by me . If anything I gave lots of allowances because of his age with him holidaying after our eldest was born until
we got our second child .

The point at which you had your first child you were 40. He was 26.

There wasn’t “time” for waiting

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 16:43

1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:41

What do I do about now though

Its him that need to do something

ball in his court

Original poster
1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:46

He really wanted children , so did I .
It was his decision

What do I do now ?

Yes get a job absolutely

But how do I live with an unhappy man that doesn't want to separate ?

OP posts:
Itakecreaminmycoffee · 16/04/2023 16:46

Unfortunately I think you are now feeling the fallout from marrying a much younger man. He probably feels bitter that he settled down so young.

Im not sure what you can do other than end it or see how it goes when you go back to work - but his behaviour isn’t ok. I wouldn’t put up with that treatment from my dh, I’d tell him to do one.

And I wouldn’t be so sure there isnt another woman or the fantasy of one somewhere in the mix - it’s classic affair behaviour this, they start blaming you for everything.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 16/04/2023 16:46

1to10andstartagain · 16/04/2023 16:41

What do I do about now though

Get a job. You'll need one if he leaves and if he doesn't you need to take the financial burden for a while.

I really wouldn't be so sure he doesn't have another woman.