What to do SAHM

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Have been with my husband 22 years . Married for 4
Always been a good partner despite age difference . 14 years my junior
I was in a professional job , reasonable earner with own house . He was new to area and we started going out . I was anxious because of age difference and messy break up four years earlier and not really looking for a relationship, happy single woman when we met .

He was different to my usual type , kindhearted , loving and respectful. We had great holidays and moved in to together I never felt so sure .
We had Dd after 7 years together and bought our first joint home . My original home stayed in my name and is rented .

When first Dd born I went back to work part time and my partner was doing well in his career . We had 2nd Dd 6 years later and I returned to work . My job became less flexible and my (now ) husband had opportunities to earn more and work away so we agreed for me to became stay at home mum in 2018.
Then covid
Now I hardly recognise my husband . He says he loves his job but he is short tempered especially if he's had even 1 drink , he seems bitter , sniping back that I don't earn money and it's all on him .
We have a big mortgage and I've supported him through redundancy. He now works away 2 nights a week

I've given him option to sell our house and live with smaller outgoings
I've said I'm happy to return to work once I have recovered from an operation pending , but will have to work out childcare for youngest in junior school

He seems really unhappy and makes plans for weekends away without asking
Next one is next bank holiday 4 days
Last year was 3 weeks in Spain walking

I know he has s stressful job but he's around less and less at weekends .
I can only see friends at weekends so I have started seeing for lunch every couple of weeks on a Saturday for a few hours . But there is always some comment about me being home all week.

I'm really unhappy that our relationship is now like this .

He is not seeing another woman I know for sure . He just seems really unhappy and I'm getting the brunt of it all

But how do I live with an unhappy man that doesn't want to separate ?

well if he’s not prepared to deal with his unhappiness then you either accept that this is your new life and it’s shit

or… you carve out your own life without him

Thankyou

I've offered to go for no fault divorce
House is purchased on deposit from me but he is higher earner for sure now .

He denies a problem
But his behaviour is unreasonable

And I'm v unhappy

So accept he’s not going to leave but at the same time not doing anything to change the situation

ball really is in your court about what you now do with that information

he has been very clear with you that this is the new him

You talk about him, but i'm not clear what it is that you want. He's unhappy, but doesn't want to seperate - how does that work if he's not going to change. If you work, in practice, how will you manage when he's working away/off on his trips? What do you want?

Lots of people marry, because it’s the obvious next step. it’s not uncommon for people to marry after being together for a long time then split within a few years of marriage. They married because they felt they should.

I didn’t say you trapped him. But you had life experience he could not comprehend. He may have had lots of freedom. He still has lots of freedom. It sounds like he is continuing to live his life like he always had. Because his only long term relationship has been this one.

Doesn’t sound great for you. Having a relationship with someone you have to consistently makes sure has freedom and actually live a life separately from you so he doesn’t feel regret or trapped. sounds like you have been the grown up. And him not so much. Now you aren’t happy with it.

If you want more freedom to go away, See friends etc. you need to tell him that and as a father he needs to step up. It doesn’t sound like you have been happy until the last year.

You are both in entirely different stages of life. Which at 34 and then 41 (when you had a child) and then at 46/47 when you had the second and then now, you knew. Your life experience made it an unequal relationship. A person at 20 or even 26 doesn’t understand it in the same way. You know you are entirely different stages of life now. Your kids are getting older. That changes relationships between the parents as well. Children need less constant hands on care. That usually allows for more freedom. But as someone a similar age to your husband I am not in the same stage as someone mid to late 50s.

You are at the stage now, where most people who have been a sahp have gone back to work already. But chose not to. Do you have a date for your operation? is your career something easy to go back to in mid to late 50s.

You can’t make him happy. Only he can do that. But I think this was entirely predictable. Due to the age difference you have not ever been in the same life stage. You haven’t don’t things in the usual way. You couldn’t. Because you had to make allowances for his age. You went from a really long casual relationship to having a child. There’s steps that there people usually do in between where they really get to know each other.

The life he has lived, may not now be the life he wants for the next 20-30 years. And you don’t sounds happy with him living the sort of life he wants.

Separating doesn’t just become a decision that people make instantly when offered.there’s often a period of unhappiness but not quite taking the step.

I fear he is in that place. So either you wait until he decides or you take the step.

i agree with Pp, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is another woman. So many affairs, even just on mn threads, seem to start in hobbies.

@Imnotachap

Exactly this , I gave up work do he could work his way , we live in the house we have renovated that is expensive but he doesn't want to sell
He wants me at home to look after house and children but comments that I don't earn

It's a rock and a hard place

So he won’t even consider marriage counselling ?

This must be a difficult environment for your children op

Yes I feel v sad for our children

And for yourself op

I think people are focusing too much on the age difference. 26 is young but it's also a grown adult and certainly enough to have children. Stop infantilizing adults in their 20's ffs.

OP you need to talk to him and explain how his behaviour is effecting you and your relationship. Ask him to do couple's counselling. If he refuses you may have to issue an ultimatum. Get help or leave.

It sounds like he’s detached and he’s out. I’m sorry. I think with this level of age gap it was always going to be a significant risk , I can’t even perceive getting with a 20 year old in my mid thirties, or having a baby with a 26 year old when I’m forty, but get it happens.

you now need to get a job, start applying now, sorting child care so you know what ro do etc when you do get employed, don’t try to find reasons not to work, you need to start acting.

I think the age gap and your understandable desire not to encroach on his youth has led to an unhealthy dynamic where you have 'spoiled' him for want of a better word. The progress you had already made in life protected him from the realities of creating a life from scratch. Your maturity has been his support and security. Now the onus is on him to step up as 'provider' he can't cope. He doesn't want to separate, he wants things to go back to how they were.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. Also that he was attracted to the security and financial safety net and comfort you provided. He doesn't want to give that up. But he seems to no longer respect and value you. Maybe the age difference and the feeling he shouldn't be trapped into that relationship any longer.

I'm concerned that his treatment of you will undermine you in the longer term. Is this really what you want for your life going forward. It will feel harder when you're in your 60s and 70s when he increasingly makes you feel lonely in your marriage.

So he went out this afternoon and came home after a drink and started sniping again
He's going away for 4 days over bank holiday with a mate and met this mate to arrange it . He doesn't ask he just tells me .

I have asked him not to drink in afternoon with children in the house , he gets argumentative and falls asleep , not aggressive but snippy , creates an atmosphere.

He went out and I could tell he had had a drink . I saw a kids cup behind him . I went out the room and he moved it so I couldn't see it . I picked it up and sniffed it and he started being nasty .

The children were in another room and he went to sit with them for 1/2 hour then disappeared to bed at 6 pm

I have told him it's time to finish our marriage because I'm not happy , his moods , his nasty comments , his selfishness. He is saying no , just no .
No apology just no .

I'm applying for jobs with possibility of working from home .

I have had an operation cancelled twice and should be rescheduled for June I will take my recovery at my mums nearby so he's not looking after me ( it's my second hip replacement) .

My youngest is 9 and I want to stay living with my children .
I won't be able to afford the mortgage here , he is high earner

I'm going to solicitor this week

I'm scared

I totally understand why you're scared. It's really scary the possibility of ending a marriage under any circumstances, let alone when you're a SAHM with youngish children. Plus it's hard when he is making it difficult for you by dismissing your concerns and your attempts to end the marriage.

He is horribly undermining you though and it will wreck your self esteem going forward. Good idea to see a solicitor. Probably a good idea to get everything in motion, see what you're entitled to, get the operation out of the way and then you can make the difficult decisions.

Well done op.

Baby steps, it doesn't all have to be sorted in a week.
See a solicitor, or a few of them, understand what your rights are and what is likely to happen during a divorce.
Concentrate on your op and your recovery.
Then look for employment

Once you are comfortable to do so, file for divorce, your dh can't stop you divorcing him, he can make it difficult, but he can't stop you.

Some thoughts.
if he doesn’t want the marriage to end then will you go to councelling together?
Have you asked him why he is unhappy/snippy/drinking.
Could he have a problem with alcohol?

@Cherrybl0ssm

He won't go to counselling I've suggested it but it's a flat no . Yes I think he does have a problem with alcohol
He has a very low tolerance to alcohol and if he does even have 1 drink you can tell . He looks bleary eyed and is dozy and snappy to me and children .

I think the other posters saying he doesn't want things to change are spot on . Why would he ? He goes to work , stays in hotels , goes away with mates when he wants at weekends and is often out walking on Sundays .

While I stay home with 2 children 7 days a week .

I know this isn't the thrust of your post, but in the vast majority of cases, the bleary-eyed, slurry, snappy behaviour you witness following 'just the one' is actually the behaviour after the only one you witnessed. I'd bet my house there were several others before it. Few grown men have that low a tolerance level.

@5128gap

Yes yesterday he definitely had "a pint with his mates " but I have also been with him after 1 and he definitely shows

Yes, I was with a man like that too. It was a long time before I realised that before the pint he had with me in the pub he'd been drinking vodka on the quiet or necking a whiskey at the bar before bringing the drinks back to the table. I may be wrong of course, but I wish someone had given me the heads up before I spent years believing in his 'low tolerance' and watching his mental health decline.