Old, isolation and finding friends / a new life

[4u2no]

I’m 59, been divorced for 5 years, no children or family, live in west cornwall, self employed , work from home.make,
Thought when I left my ex, living in a small village by the sea, after a month or sol I’d know most of the village from going to the pub a couple of nights a week, try an evening class in Italian, and find someone from internet dating,
5 years later, I ve been the only person to turn up to 3 Italian courses at the local college,
I ve tried solos holidays, meet up groups
tried every dating website, app, even introduction agencies, spent over £6,000 to have 4 unsuitable dates, if I do get a conversation from a dating app as soon as I say my location , the conversation ends
I ve tried 4 different councilors, to be told there’s nothing wrong with me but I need to love myself, and to be more confident as confidence brings success,
surely success brings confidence,
I’d describe my self as from a professional background, well dressed, most people would describe me as a gentleman.
I tired of sitting in different pubs on Saturday night and no one to even talk to,
‘doesn’t help it’s a holiday area, but it’s hard to strike up a conversation with a family on holiday

any ideas as to where or how I can find some company apart from moving to somewhere completely new,
‘but is that even moving to solve the problem or moving the problem somewhere else

My DH met me older than you, after 13 years alone and in a remote area…I moved in to his village! I suppose I’m just trying to say life is full of surprises. It sounds like you try plenty of activities, are there any community-based ones you could get involved in? Volunteer with a group etc?

OP have you thought about starting your own group on Meet-up in a 'build it and they will come' type of way? Maybe start a book club, or arrange a local walk. It won't be a quick fix but it might be a start...

Can you move?

It does sound like moving might help. There are places where things like evening classes will be much busier.

I went along to a meet up group, it was dire, I was the only man wearing shoes and a jacket, I don’t want to sound a snob, but trainers hoodies and baseball caps isn’t me.
in desperation I spoke to the Nhs mental health line,
they referred me to one if their staff, when I told him what I had tried, he said I’d given him ideas he hadn’t thought of and I should come along to one of his staff meetings and tell them what I had tried!
walking groups and volunteering don’t appeal to me,
I ve looked at the local village hall, I can’t see me as the only man in the yoga class on a Wednesday morning, or going to slimming world

How much do you like living in your area? I hate to say it but I do think rural life is very hard if you're single - there just aren't enough people to find likeminded others for friendship, shared activities or dating.

Tbh in your situation I would think about relocation to a busy town or small city.

Are you sure you’d be the only man doing yoga? I go to a yoga class at my village hall and plenty of men go.

I do wonder if perhaps you need to be a bit more open minded and look past what people are wearing…

at 60 it’s hard thing to do (move)
especially when it seems most of the rest of England want to move down to cornwall

Every dating app I try doesn’t even get me reply let alone a date,
tinder tracks your location so if I get a train to London, say, when I get back I ve had swipes, when I say my location the conversation ends, Penzance to Exeter, 100 miles, 3 hours by train, no one can bothered to try even if I say I’ll meet them there first.

Sorry, but you’re going to have to do something differently if you want a different result. That might mean moving, or talking to people who wear casual clothes, or trying a different activity.

Lots of people move at 60! It just doesn’t sound like you fit in with your current area or the people there very well.

you could always rent out your house/rent in other locations, possibly with the intention of returning one day if you meet someone

3 hours and 100 miles is a lot of time and expense to travel for a first date. I had a longer distance relationship with my now husband in my 20s but I had met him in person first and travel was cheaper then. I don't think I'd have met someone on a dating app who lived that far away. Even if you're willing to travel first it would put people off commuting to anything. It might be a bit lazy but that's the way it is unfortunately.

*committing to anything

Agreed. Start by being less snobbish about trainers and hoodie (altho I'm with you on baseball caps) - it makes you sound very old before your time. (I'm only 5 years younger than you. My dad in his 70s lives in jeans and trainers.) And you might find they are good company - don't judge a book by its cover etc.

Be the only man at yoga, what's wrong with that. (You are trying to meet women after all...) Give it at least six classes before giving up.

If nothing you're trying locally works, you'll have to choose what's more important - location or connection. I love love love West Cornwall but I honestly couldn't live there.

I grew up in west Cornwall - no longer live there but the rest of my family do.
Have you tried boules? I know the PZ club has lots of members / is very active?

OP
If you’re a social type that likes to try new things, perhaps this location isn’t right for you. Maybe you need to be in a city centre location of a small ‘cultural’ city - where there is always something going on, and activities to get involved in

Do you want friends, or do you want a partner? I think the problem might be that you’re going into this whole thing in a very needy way. You need to learn to be comfortable and happy in yourself, instead of seeing everybody you meet as fulfilling a purpose in your life. As long as you spend your time, trying to find someone to fill the gap in your life, you are not treating other people as interesting, valuable and worthwhile in their own right. I’m closer to your age, and from what you have written here, I’d probably be inclined to give you a wide berth, even if you lived next door to me!

You need to get over your prejudices about other people, and learn to like them for what they are, not reject them for what they are not. Offer to run a quiz at your local pub, volunteer at the local primary school or old peoples home, get out and give something to the community, and you will become part of it. You will meet people who are like yourself, but many more who are different. All those people will enrich your own life. You may or may not meet a new partner, but in the meantime, your life will have a purpose.

I'm in Exeter and find it boring and bad enough here never mind Cornwall and I'm only 36.

What about booking on to some residential academic courses or interest-based residential courses? You might meet interesting people that way who get to know you first if you have an extended period of time in a group and then decide they want to make the effort with a journey.

1. supermarkets - look for women with items that suggest solo-living, start up random conversations about any old thing: e.g. notice what she's deliberating over, say, oh, have you tried this etc, I have it goes great with x, y, z.
2. art galleries - got to be some in Cornwall with that fantastic light.
3. whole food type shops/cafes. Take a laptop, look busy and absorbed, see who comes in. Also take book, (to read in between laptop 'work', notice if anyone else comes in with a book. Comment on their book as you make a deliberate detour to go by her. See if any conversation falls flat or if there is any spark of interest. Strike immediately if interested, as to take her to lunch. Go to cafe mid morning/mid afternoon. If am ask her to lunch, if pm as her to dinner.
4. go to gym classes, yoga classes, anywhere women go. Dances of any sort will be perfect - always more women than men. If you learn to dance you will be at a distinct advantage!
5. Learn new stuff - not to meet women, just because it keeps your brain active and it 'sharpens you up'.
6. book a personal style consultation at a good department store and ask for a few different looks: smart casual, sporty, formal dinner wear, beachwear. Updating your wardrobe is always a good idea, for women and men. Sometimes you get stuck in a wardrobe rut without even knowing it and other people's 'eyes on you' are helpful.
7. libraries - see who is around, notice everybody - even the librarian!
8. bookshops - especially ones with cafes.
9. keep your eyes open - it may be that you don't need to go to a specific destination, just see with new eyes who is around you.
10. cookery school - even if you don't find anyone you may end up eating better.
11. set up a book club
12. set up a morning swimming group
13. learn to knit and go to the local knit and natter group/crochet and natter group (there is no doubt one somewhere)
14. volunteer to help some local charity - they often have interesting kind people who volunteer.
15. get a dog, notice other dog walkers (dogs make friends and this affords the chance to talk to doggy owners.
16. do something completely different to get a different result and keep going until you get the result you want.

Hey OP. How are you feeling? I'm lonely too. I'm in Truro. I think its the area tbh!

Oh yes, set up a book club! I'll join :)

Why not rent out your home if you own it and try living in a city for a bit? There's a bigger pool of people and more activities on offer. You have time and freedom. Try Bristol, Oxford or Cardiff if you don't want to go as far as London.

This Thread reminds me of a sketch where a guy living in a remote part of Brittany in France wanted to find a job as an opera singer on Tuesdays from 2-4 pm.

What about U3A?