Old, isolation and finding friends / a new life

[4u2no]

I’m 59, been divorced for 5 years, no children or family, live in west cornwall, self employed , work from home.make,
Thought when I left my ex, living in a small village by the sea, after a month or sol I’d know most of the village from going to the pub a couple of nights a week, try an evening class in Italian, and find someone from internet dating,
5 years later, I ve been the only person to turn up to 3 Italian courses at the local college,
I ve tried solos holidays, meet up groups
tried every dating website, app, even introduction agencies, spent over £6,000 to have 4 unsuitable dates, if I do get a conversation from a dating app as soon as I say my location , the conversation ends
I ve tried 4 different councilors, to be told there’s nothing wrong with me but I need to love myself, and to be more confident as confidence brings success,
surely success brings confidence,
I’d describe my self as from a professional background, well dressed, most people would describe me as a gentleman.
I tired of sitting in different pubs on Saturday night and no one to even talk to,
‘doesn’t help it’s a holiday area, but it’s hard to strike up a conversation with a family on holiday

any ideas as to where or how I can find some company apart from moving to somewhere completely new,
‘but is that even moving to solve the problem or moving the problem somewhere else

@4u2no

The first thing that, for me, stood out from your first post was you describing yourself as "old", at the absolutely ancient, decrepit age of.............59!
Yes, I'm being sarcastic!
You're not old! If you do nothing else, at least ditch that mindset........please!

It is, speaking as much younger single woman. So many people here are in couples, pretty much no one goes into cafes alone, and no woman goes into a pub alone here ever. I was certainly be curiously stared at if I did. Almost every social group is dominated by people in their 60s +. I'm here because I really want to buy a house, and can't afford living in a city. Even the local towns are too expensive for me now. It's beautiful here though.

I think you either need to volunteer, or work for the National Trust. Either that, or get involved in classical concerts or small festivals in Cornwall.

Is there U3A in your area?

This is in Penzance but there will be other groups in the region.

Surely you have some hobbies and interests? I have spent a lot of time in Cornwall... there is loads to do ... I often read the West Briton on line just to see what's happening. What sort of people do you like? Why can't you try volunteering? You sound very regimented in your thinking. Are you just saying you want to meet a girlfriend?

I don't understand your reluctance to go to yoga or the gym or exercise classes. That's exactly where you'll find the women and if you do happen to be the only man there, you'll be a magnet!

OP I hope you come back to your thread as you've had some good advice, but your defeatist attitude makes me think you probably won't. You're 59 - that's not old! I'm 59 and I don't feel old at all. I started my own Meetup group a few years ago because I couldn't find anything local that was a good fit for me. It was painful to begin with and my first event was a total flop, but I persevered and I have a lovely (if small) group now. Last week some of us had a walk followed by lunch and later in the week an evening at the theatre.

A neighbour said to me the other day (when I told them about the theatre trip) that they envy my social life, I replied that it doesn't just happen, I put a lot of effort into it. It is an effort but the rewards are worth it.

I can guarantee that if you start your own group there will be like-minded people locally who will want to join you. It's not easy, and be prepared for knock backs, but it's ultimately rewarding. Set out your stall - my group is only for women in my county over 50. You may prefer mixed sex but could narrow it down to an age group or make it a book group or writing/photography/history/cinema/surfing etc etc etc, whatever interest you feel will attract the kind of people you want to meet.

It does cost money to set up a Meetup group, but it's worth the investment and my group moved over to Facebook a few years ago which is free.

OP, you don’t mention a single friend, whether local or farther afield, from before or after your break-up — that strikes me as a key missing part of the picture. Don’t you have friends? Wouldn’t you acknowledge this is part of the problem, that being the solo guy in the pub, or attending classes to look for a girlfriend, isn’t a good base to start from?

Besides the fact that your location isn’t working for you, I’m also struck by the fact that your self-description tells me nothing real about you — ‘professional’ background, ‘a gentleman’, ‘well-dressed’. Those are so generic and beige. What are you actually like?

Would you consider going to church? Full of single women and they tend to be quite nice people.

I'm down your neck of the woods and I sympathise but I think you need to broaden your horizons a bit. Why can't you volunteer? Why are hoodies which a bad thing? Try and step outside the parameters you've set yourself and start doing things you really enjoy. You'll find your people if you think about activities you love and the things that make your eyes light up, try and follow your own inner calling and you will find connections naturally. It's frustrating but ultimately a truth of human nature that people are quietly repelled by neediness and intrigued by confidence and strong self worth in others. I wish you the best. Hope you can start to build a good set of local friends and go from there.

Rent your house out and move away for a while. Nothing's happening for you where you are so you need to make a choice or this is your life..

We live in a village and husband is very good at meeting people. He does things like take eggs from our chickens to neighbours, another neighbour offered us tomatoes, another one homemade jam and then people invite others in and chat. He also goes to church concerts and plays the piano. A lot of the women here seem to either spend their days knitting things for the top of post boxes or getting very riled up about neighbours planning applications. So something like getting on parish council may work if you are seeking somebody like that, personally I try to stay out of that. Or our road has street parties, which basically one house invites whole street for a garden cheese and wine type party. Gardening is also popular. And people seem to chat walking dogs. I think women maybe more likely to be in cafes than pubs here but it's trickier finding that in tourist area. A swimming club might find you friends.

This is what we're planning to do.

The thing is in Cornwall, you can make friends but they often move away anyway. Our main employers are NHS and the military. Or jobs are seasonal. We've had a lot of redundancies too.

A lot of those people who moved down during Covid got the shock of their lives with the Cornish low salaries, distance from everywhere else and general deprivation. And we're finding a lot of them are moving back to wherever they came from. I just wish they'd pop me in their pocket and take me too.

I'm Cornish but I've struggled with living here after moving back post University. Biggest mistake of our lives!

I still don't understand why people move down to retire - there's no way I'd want to spend my final days in Treliske. Grim.

Then you go sailing and forget about all the Cornish troubles. It's a never ending Stockholm Syndrome cycle. You sort of get trapped in the "if only I could fix this one issue then Cornwall would be 100% perfect"....but it never happens.

Definitely see if there's a u3a group you can get to.

Don’t believe in god so little point

Thank you for your various replies and ideas.
‘I’ll try and investigate some further,
I don’t really want to volunteer as it just doesn’t appeal to me

i left my ex wife because of years of mental abuse, I know people but don’t have friends as she wasn’t interested in trying to have any,
we ve also all been locked up in our own homes because of Covid

thank you again for your ideas,
im not that needy, just lack confidence and opportunity in this remote land

I moved from London to a small town in the north-west and the thing that really helped me getting to know people was getting a dog. I was suddenly chatting to all the other dog owners, I got invited to garden parties, dog events etc. After a few months I knew people on pretty much every street in our area and there wouldn't be a single walk where I didn't get to stop and chat to someone. Most of them remained just acquaintances but I did make four really good friends out of it too.

I’m 59. I never wore trainers until last year when l was medically retired. Now they are all l wear, all the brogues, loafers and slip ons went to charity.

Find a friendly festival over the summer. There are plenty down your way.

https://propercornwall.co.uk/blog/best-music-festivals-in-cornwall-2023/

I couldn’t think of worse thing to do,
im not into camping, festivals, tattoos, nose piercing, or VW vans,
seems to rule out most women in cornwall

OP, I hate to say it but you are living in the wrong area. I hate camping, festivals and tattoos and would never live anywhere ‘alternative’. You sound more like a city person. I agree with others, rent out your place, move to a city and rent a place there.

Even Truro would suit you. It's very bookish and brogues.

You facked up by moving to the wrong area and that's OK - but only you can sort it out 😊

The 'point' would be meeting people. No one is going to frisk your religious beliefs at the door.

Desperate for a relationship and being derogatory about the type of women in a remote area that you chose to move to is not a fruitful combination, OP.