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Original poster

Grandparents have no time for their grandchildren

58 replies

teamonster34 · 15/04/2023 18:25

I have 2 children 16 and 14. My parents have no interest in any of the children really and have never helped out. The one time they had them for a sleepover when they were about 9 and 11 they sent them to bed at 630pm so they could watch a film and we promised not to send them there again.

My mum always said to me when I was late teens early 20's and in relationships that she would never ever help out with her grandchildren because her life was on hold for 18 yrs and now it is finally coming back. they have always had a real issue with my son because he is autistic and has very obscure interests for a teenage boy and because they have nothing in common with him they seem to be constantly mean to him and always putting him down and telling him at 14 he should be out the way with his mates so that I (his mum!!) can get my life back!!! Me and DH have never had a night away since the time we left them with them about 7 yrs ago. We have asked several times and there answer is they are always busy - now kids are older we asked again because it will just be a case of staying over at our house and keeping an eye on them - my mum wants me to leave them home alone for a couple of nights - she says I do too much for them and they need to man up. they should

I find it really hard that they have no interest what so ever in their grandchildren and it really hurts me when I see other grandparents with their grandchildren. I did ask them once why and my mum said that looking after children is the most numbingly boring thing she has ever had to do and now she doesn't have to do it she won't. She says she feels really sorry for me because my children are always needing me for something and I need my life back now they are older. My dad is exactly the same and looking back when we were kids I rarely spoke to him because I thought he hated me -i now know he just couldn't cope with kids getting in the way.

When they were little and they had no interest I thought as the kids got older they would get better with them but they seem worse with them now. They are in their late70's now and we don't see them often because kids don't particularly like them and the last couple of times the kids have been about they have said why can't I ever see then without the kids!! Although my mum has said in 2 yrs time when my DD is 18 she will take her on a cruise but my DD doesn't want anything to do with her!!

They are a bit better with my brothers kids because the eldest one enjoys helping out with practical stuff ie building and hammering etc which my dad likes so they make things together.

My mum doesn't speak to my aunties anymore because she gets fed up with them constantly having their grandchildren.

Anyone else's parents like this?? It seems so sad that there is no relationship between my parents and my children.

OP posts:
Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 15/04/2023 18:31

Yes, mine are similar. They are so uninterested in my children. Bizarrely, my father will take out other people’s children as they share his (very niche) hobby. It’s quite upsetting. They’ve never had sole charge of my kids and eldest is 7. I don’t know ANYONE in real life who has this situation. I do feel for you.

BHRK · 15/04/2023 18:34

It’s sad but you can’t force it. They have clearly decided they don’t want a proper relationship or any responsibility for caring for them.
I hope they’re not going to ask for help when they need it as they get older- you’ll have to tell them you’re too busy now you’ve got your life back!

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 15/04/2023 18:37

Yes.
Both sets of grandparents have zero interest in our two.
They see my mother every Christmas Day because we have her for the day as no one else wants her.
Both sets live about 10 minutes away from us.

Its always been like that.
Neither sets were particularly good parents so it’s not at all surprising that they are shit grandparents.

crazeecatlady · 15/04/2023 18:37

I know someone who has 2 daughters each of whom have 2 children. One set she is all over like a rash and the set she rarely sees. So sad

Littlemissprosecco · 15/04/2023 18:37

Yes, my Mil is exactly the same. Occasionally she pretends she’s interested when she’s feeling lonely!

crazeecatlady · 15/04/2023 18:38

missed out 'other'

Mischance · 15/04/2023 18:38

They have made their decision and have been absolutely clear about it; so that is that. If they are late 70s now they are not going to be keen on looking after teenagers.

Accept the situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2023 18:41

Just leave them alone, stop visiting, and definitely don't pester your children to have anything to do with them. Your parents have caused this, they can live with the consequences.

RedToothBrush · 15/04/2023 18:41

they have always had a real issue with my son because he is autistic

Wanna bet your mum is autistic too and struggles with relationships even family ones?

It's the simplest logical explanation too.

If you have that in mind, it's harder to take as personally. It's just not her skill set.

Quveas · 15/04/2023 18:42

I'm going to say upfront, I love my grandchildren, and despite living on different continents, we spend loads of time together. I'm saying that because whilst I can understand that this isn't to your liking, they have been utterly honest and transparent - they feel they have done their bit, they aren't "naturals" with children, and don't want to give up more years to that. Blood is not thicker than water. It's mostly water! I know many parents who are good parents, but also not "naturals". Don't waste your time and energy on this. If your kids don't want to know then as adults that's fine.

Original poster
teamonster34 · 15/04/2023 18:42

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 15/04/2023 18:31

Yes, mine are similar. They are so uninterested in my children. Bizarrely, my father will take out other people’s children as they share his (very niche) hobby. It’s quite upsetting. They’ve never had sole charge of my kids and eldest is 7. I don’t know ANYONE in real life who has this situation. I do feel for you.

Just like my dad he's always talking about the lady next door's lovely grandson who is polite and lovely and a joy to be around - this is because he enjoys gardening like my dad. He often has him round helping him in the garden - makes me so cross!! He has been known to say to my son "it is a shame you aren't more like Harry"!!!!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 18:43

RedToothBrush · 15/04/2023 18:41

they have always had a real issue with my son because he is autistic

Wanna bet your mum is autistic too and struggles with relationships even family ones?

It's the simplest logical explanation too.

If you have that in mind, it's harder to take as personally. It's just not her skill set.

Sorry but this op, it screamed out to me very clearly in your post.

Original poster
teamonster34 · 15/04/2023 18:50

Admittedly they have been very honest from the outset. So i knew never to expect full on childcare but I did think they would maybe have a little bit of interest in them. I think they do begrudge having put their life on hold for 18 yrs when we were kids and they they worry that the same is happening to me.

Interestingly I remember my childhood as great and that they were really good parents always taking us out and doing things with us but my brothers memories are very different and he felt they were very cold and selfish.

OP posts:
Noicant · 15/04/2023 18:57

People sometimes have kids then discover they aren’t cut out for it but still do their best. It doesn’t make them awful people they probably just dread being in charge of a kid again (even if the kids are older). They have been very honest with you and you have to accept it.

I get zero help with childcare (live far away from family) , I will only have a night off if I go somewhere by myself and Dh has DD or she goes on a school trip. Thats ok, I chose to have her, I don’t expect anyone to feel obliged to take her and I wouldn’t hold it against them either.

Original poster
teamonster34 · 15/04/2023 19:21

I still love them and still enjoy seeing them but don't like the way they treat my son and neither does he. I think in future I will see them without the children (which is what they want anyway) because then I don't have to watch them being mean to my son. They aren't quite as mean to my DD but still very cold and uninterested. Neither child has any time for them really.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2023 19:25

I’m not someone who thinks grandparents should be automatically deemed as childcare options, as some are not naturally maternal, and may have found being a parent draining and unenjoyable. It’s something you don’t realise until your children come along. But i do think it would have been nice of them to put themselves out there occasionally to give you a break, and also to bond with their grandchildren.

MintJulia · 15/04/2023 19:27

Yes. My df had no interest in his own children, and even less in his dgc.

My dm liked the baby stage - up to 18 months, but lost interest after that, for both her own dcs and her dgcs. Her interest extended as far as having some photos on her mantlepiece.

Just accept that they aren't interested and move on.

My ds has a 'pseudo granny', our ex-neighbour who is very fond of him and spoils him rotten when she gets the chance. 🙂

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 19:42

OP,

I mean this kindly but you have failed your child allowing his grandparents speak to him like that.

It wouldn't happen twice to mine.

Awful people that need to be so unkind to a grandchild.

Your children have no interest in them because of their treatment by them.

Where is your loyalty to your children.

I wouldn't have my children near such people and they would see so little of me too.

Ricco12 · 15/04/2023 20:28

My husbands parents are like it, selfish old miserable gits

It's their loss they don't bother with two wonderful wee boys. They will die sad and lonely as my kids will have no interest in them

They were also terrible parents to my husband.

Frith2013 · 15/04/2023 22:16

Yes, very similar. I'm a single parent (almost from the start) and they've never had them overnight.

My older son, in his twenties now, said the other day that he doesn't really have any grandparents.

When my youngest nearly died and was in hospital for a week, my dad circled the hospital in his car so he didn't have to pay for parking and my oldest had to run in and find me with a bag of spare clothes. Nobody came to give me even an hour's respite.

Flowersintheattic57 · 15/04/2023 23:26

Back in the day you were expected to have children. No one questioned it. Even when contraception was available it still took a long time for couples to choose not to have children. Not that women don’t face criticism now when they choose not to.
Sorry your parents are being so shit to your kids, it really cuts deep.

JussathoB · 16/04/2023 00:16

It’s a shame your parents have been so uncaring and selfish and lazy. It’s not your fault. However this ship has sailed. Your DC are now at an age where they would normally not be interested much in their grandparents and I hope they are happily getting on with being teenagers / young adults. Your parents are late seventies I think you said? This really is quite old, too old for many to be actively involved in family in a practical way.

JassyGoon · 16/04/2023 02:17

I've just accepted it. My parents (mother and stepfather) were interested in my children until the daughter, my half sister, from their marriage had a child, then all of their interest was diverted to her. They were blatantly obvious in dropping them.

My ex husband's parents oddly post about their beautiful grandchildren on Facebook but have only met them once when they were toddlers (they're older teens now).

JassyGoon · 16/04/2023 02:19

I'm only sorry for my children because my grandparents were truly wonderful people and I loved them very much, and still do. More than my parents. My children haven't experienced that.

crew2022 · 16/04/2023 06:39

It's very hurtful that your parents don't have a genuine interest in forming a relationship with your children.
However this is not unique whatever you see on FB and around you there are also loads of GPS who are just not interested.
I've realised you can't force it and it's their choice. Maybe some of them felt completely unsupported as parents themselves so don't know any different and also were worn out from parenting and feel they want a life free from that kind of responsibility now.
On the other perspective I also see parents (mainly daughters) totally over rely on their own parents for childcare. The GP looks exhausted and the parent says oh they love having the kids.

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