Grandparents have no time for their grandchildren

[teamonster34]

I have 2 children 16 and 14. My parents have no interest in any of the children really and have never helped out. The one time they had them for a sleepover when they were about 9 and 11 they sent them to bed at 630pm so they could watch a film and we promised not to send them there again.

My mum always said to me when I was late teens early 20's and in relationships that she would never ever help out with her grandchildren because her life was on hold for 18 yrs and now it is finally coming back. they have always had a real issue with my son because he is autistic and has very obscure interests for a teenage boy and because they have nothing in common with him they seem to be constantly mean to him and always putting him down and telling him at 14 he should be out the way with his mates so that I (his mum!!) can get my life back!!! Me and DH have never had a night away since the time we left them with them about 7 yrs ago. We have asked several times and there answer is they are always busy - now kids are older we asked again because it will just be a case of staying over at our house and keeping an eye on them - my mum wants me to leave them home alone for a couple of nights - she says I do too much for them and they need to man up. they should

I find it really hard that they have no interest what so ever in their grandchildren and it really hurts me when I see other grandparents with their grandchildren. I did ask them once why and my mum said that looking after children is the most numbingly boring thing she has ever had to do and now she doesn't have to do it she won't. She says she feels really sorry for me because my children are always needing me for something and I need my life back now they are older. My dad is exactly the same and looking back when we were kids I rarely spoke to him because I thought he hated me -i now know he just couldn't cope with kids getting in the way.

When they were little and they had no interest I thought as the kids got older they would get better with them but they seem worse with them now. They are in their late70's now and we don't see them often because kids don't particularly like them and the last couple of times the kids have been about they have said why can't I ever see then without the kids!! Although my mum has said in 2 yrs time when my DD is 18 she will take her on a cruise but my DD doesn't want anything to do with her!!

They are a bit better with my brothers kids because the eldest one enjoys helping out with practical stuff ie building and hammering etc which my dad likes so they make things together.

My mum doesn't speak to my aunties anymore because she gets fed up with them constantly having their grandchildren.

Anyone else's parents like this?? It seems so sad that there is no relationship between my parents and my children.

Both GP sound autistic to me

I had a large family myself and thrived on it. I also have young grandchildren. I do have health problems but I still try to stay involved in family life/baby sit. The people who say looking after their grandchildren is boring are my kind of people. I would rather sit and watch paint dry ha! We've done it all before you see and most of us got no time off for good behaviour either. I certainly did not dump my kids on their grandparents so I could go away for the night. As a grandparent I appreciate being to join the family for a meal or activity but that kind of invite comes but rarely. No, let us do our own thing as the time we may have could so easily be cut short.

I do think it's sad but I also think it's unsurprising given it sounds like they were poor parents. If you find it so painful maybe see them less, and hopefully time will heal. I think you need to try to accept them for who they are and really acknowledge that so that you don't continue to be disappointed when they don't change, which is where the pain comes from. You will probably always be sad about it but it will be less painful if you accept they won't change.

My one set of grandparents were like that, never interested in us or ever looked after us. They told my dm they'd "done their bit" and wanted to enjoy life now. Luckily the other set were the opposite and my dm had a better relationship with them than with her own parents.

My parents were similarly uninterested in developing any sort of relationship with their grandchild . They wanted to do their own thing and simply did not want any responsibility.

Neither one are on any ASD spectrum and ASD in itself does not lead to such behaviour anyway. posters who write this without any basis show no actual understanding of what ASD actually is.

Noicant ·
People sometimes have kids then discover they aren’t cut out for it but still do their best. It doesn’t make them awful people they probably just dread being in charge of a kid again (even if the kids are older). They have been very honest with you and you have to accept it.
This in spades. Also don't forget people get more tired as they age and the feeling of responsibility for someone else's children is huge.

I think some people just aren't people, people. My aunt is like this. She likes her grandchildren, but doenst go out of the way for them, always puts herself first and anyone else is an afterthought

Grandparents have already "served their time" when it comes to children. Many of them found it a thankless, endless task and are glad when the child-rearing days are over.

I don't know why grandparents are expected to fall into this fantasy role that so many parents expect of them. They're done with kids and not interested in them any more. That's their prerogative.

Of course not all grandparents are like that, but many of them are. They don't owe anybody childcare or raising input - even their own blood.

I am not uninterested in my grand children, they are actually welcome to visit me at home and I will have them for 3-5 hours occasionally. But I'm 45. Still raising a teenager, the last of 4 kids are 14-23 My daughter will have 3 kids under 3 by September and she's always complaining about how little suppport she gets. But SHE chose to have the kids so close together. I Anatoly love them but me and my DH are retiring in 5-7 years and want to travel the world and live OUR lives after raising 4 kids. It's not selfish.

I’m a little confused about why you continue to ask them for favours when they’ve made it abundantly clear they don’t want to. All you’re doing is putting yourself in a position to be upset and have your feelings hurt again.

I think the situ is really sad and I do really feel for you but if they can’t see that they are hugely missing out that’s on them.

I would also get resentful if I had to repeatedly say no to the same request - I know it’s difficult and like I said, I do feel for you but you need to respect their boundaries.

I don't believe anyone is entitled to help from grandparents but it is sad when none at all is offered and they don't want to spend any time with them at all. How much would it cost them to provide childcare once a year so you could have a night out?

I agree with the comments about how some might consider they've done their time. It's exhausting and the pressure immense, especially like me as a single parent. I'm not sure how keen I'd be as a grandmother, to offer regular practical help, though I wouldn't be disinterested entirely.

👏🏻👏🏻
Hear hear about ASD, and I say that as someone with direct experience of it. It's used too often on Mumsnet, and inaccurately.

We've had hardly any help from the GPs either, both sets. They love the kids but prioritise their own interests and needs, which is completely their prerogative and understandable. But I do feel that they have missed out on getting to know them because they only know the kids on a superficial level. They do things like take them shopping or for meals out a couple of times a year. My parents will take lots of pictures to put on FB etc, but will hardly engage with the kids on a meaningful level. They all live 3-4hrs away from us, so regular help is not expected anyway, but they do go on lots of holidays etc, but claim it is too much/too expensive to come up and see us more than once a year or so.

But I hope if I have GCs one day I'd be able to help out a lot more, knowing how hard it is not to have any help.

Your parents sound selfish and cold, op. Nothing you can do about it but I’d be furious in your situation.

I guess my father is the same but to be honest I'm not furious about it at all, it is what it is, who he is and I just accept it. What goes around comes around though I guess because now he has zero relationship with his grandkids, when he'd probably quite like it now they're older, but that was his choice. One thing I quite respect your mum for is her honesty. They often are mind numbingly dull, and I can absolutely see that once you've done it for 20 years, so for some people, they're running as fast as their legs will carry them and not looking back.

Yes! This is my parents to a t although they do like to pretend they are amazing GP.

Don’t get me started on the phrase I’ve done my time. It just tells me that it was so horrible raising me as a kid that they don’t want to help now….I find it really offensive.

I have alot of resentment and they like us to visit them (it’s not round the corner), i would love for them to say it’s hard work being a parent how about we come to your house and you pop out to a coffee shop for an hour. Instead they seem to be annoyed we don’t visit them more, even though we work have young kids and they are retired.

All I know is I’m going to be a different GP with my grandkids.

Too old? Where do you get that idea from? My mom is 77 and disabled and still finds time to facetime my daughter and take an interest in her (we live in different cities) and her activities. These two not only can they not be bothered they are actively shit towards the OPs eldest. Which I can say they would only do ONCE to my kid and we would be out of their lives like a shot. They have zero excuse for the latter.
I do agree with you on the other point that the ship has sailed for a relationship with their grandchildren. If these two think, that they will be able to just sail into these kids lives when they are adults, they have another thought coming. You reap what you sow.

Well, they've gifted you an easy answer when they reach the point of needing care themselves in old age: 'Sorry, too busy with the kids!'

My dad always puts himself first and spends about 20 pounds a year on his grandchildren. My mil is nice but she doesn't come up much. I just accept it and don't put myself out doing things for them. It's disappointing but you're better off just not having expectations of people and treating them like they treat you.

My in laws don't have much interest in any of their grandkids. Happy gif them t be brought round in occasion but would never ask us over themselves and never ever had the kids in their own. This has meant that my Epsom's have no relationship with them (my in laws didn't like my late husband's first wife).
My own parents were lovely and did the odd babysitting, but were happy to spend time with them - my sadness is they passed away when mine were quite young.
I don't understand why you think your parents would be willing to have them now (also at 14 and 16 they don't need minding, even overnight unless you think they are t responsible enough). They have always made their position clear and I would not dream of asking any help from them.

It's really hard OP. I think like PP said, perhaps have time alone with your parents and leave the kids out of it. Not nice for them to be in an unpleasant or unwelcoming environment like that. For me, this would meaning reducing the time spent with GPs as it's no longer a "family activity", and you still need time for family things.

Interesting that you and your brother have such different memories. Who's older and what's the age gap?

It’s sad. My dad has a real relationship with my kids. One he’s built over the years. He takes an interest in them and what they like and as a result they adore him in a way that they simply don’t for the rest of their grandparents. It’s reflected in their language, they call my dad grandad, but DP’s dad “daddy’s dad”. We do try to correct this, but they have a clear idea what a grandad is in their heads and can’t connect that to the man that sits watching the TV and doesn’t say a word to them.

I personally can’t imagine telling DC’s that “I’ve done my time” kids are family, not a prison sentence.

My MiL and her husband were like this with our dc. They never even had them.for 5 minutes, not once. They moved to the other side of the country just after DS1 was born, and have only visited us once. We've always had to make the trip there, and rent a holiday cottage as they won't let us stay with them.

Our dc are now adults and completely uninterested in my MIL. Her husband died last year, and they did come to the funeral with us, but I doubt they'll see her again. She is now in her 90s and expects us to give up weekends to make the 12 hour round trip to see her and help her out with stuff, even though DH and I both work FT.

‘constantly mean to him and always putting him down’

Its appalling you have allowed your son to be abused like this, it’s your responsibility to advocate for your kids. Stop trying to force them to spend time with these awful people .