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Original poster

How to break up a blended family :(

54 replies

GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 15:53

Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone left a partner and essentially broken up your blended family in the process?

I have been with my partner since DS was 4 and he’s now 13. DSD is 2 years older and visits every other weekend. Both kids get on really well, although now in they are teens they’re slightly less close, but the family dynamic when we are all together is generally good and they seem happy and settled.

However, my partner, who is charming 90% of the time, has a really nasty angry side, and after years of trying so so hard to make it work (lots of therapy on both sides, and together) I have reached a point where I now know I don’t want to be with him and feel sure I would be happier single. I just have lost faith that I will ever truly feel emotionally safe around him (he’s never been physically abusive.)

But, the thought of breaking up the family is utterly heartbreaking and I just don’t know if I can go though with it.

My partner’s relationship with my son has been very challenging over the years, and I have threatened to leave several times
because his behaviour towards him has been unacceptable in my eyes.

But in recent years it has improved a lot, and I would say my son is actually quite attached to him, despite finding him very irritating and being aware he has trouble with his temper at times.

However the odd nasty comment does still come flying out of my partners mouth from time to time, often souring a good atmosphere, and I don’t fully trust that he won’t eventually cross the line again. And then I will have no choice but to end it. He’s in therapy at the moment for exactly this reason, but I’m not convinced it’s working. And at this point, I have so much resentment about things from the past, that I don’t like him any more.

As a family we have lots of nice holidays and lovely family time together, which is why it’s so confusing. Because on the face of it, we appear a happy family. But in reality it is often tense for me as I’m just waiting for the tone to change at any moment. It often comes out of the blue, just when I’ve let my guard down.

On the one hand I feel I should stick it out until my son is 18, so as to not cause him any disruption as he’s entering his teenage years. Or my DSD as she goes into her A Levels (although she does live mostly with her mum where things are settled I think). And I worry it will be so upsetting for the kids to not be brother and sister any more and not see each other any more. It’s all they can remember. I can’t bear the idea of breaking that news to them.

On the other hand, I just want out so desperately. I want to stop wasting my life with this overbearing man. And I worry if we don’t leave now, maybe there will be an even bigger blow up in the future, causing even more disruption to my son than if we left now.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you tell your kids? How did they take it?

Should I try and stick it out?

(and if you’re wondering why I’m in this mess, I do know it’s my own fault. I’ve learned that it’s a pattern of repeating my own childhood trauma, that now, approaching 40, I want to break and try and avoid ever repeating again)

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 14/04/2023 15:57

I suspect you will find that your son will be relieved. And that’s the most important thing. He’s probably treading on egg shells too waiting for the next blow up.

And while you may lose your closeness with your DSD you may not. A good friend of mine was in a two year relationship with a guy who had two dds and even though the relationship ended she is still incredibly close to the youngest dd.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:04

I’ve realised one of my main questions is how much would you tell a (not very mature) 13 year old? I feel like if he knew how I felt he would understand, but I also don’t feel it’s fair or right to involve him in that way. I don’t think he had the maturity at the moment to be able to really grasp it, and big just see it as the impact on him.

Is there anywhere I can get professional advice on how to handle it best for my sons mental health?

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 14/04/2023 16:04

Have you read your own post back? I'm not being an arse, but genuinely, it sounds tense and 'eggshelly' and horrible and no amount of 'nice holidays' would make it worth it for me.

From what you say, it sounds like your son puts up with quite an unpleasant atmosphere - if you are waiting for the tone to change all the time, don't kid yourself that he isn't doing that too. He's not a toddler, he will be picking up on everything. You might find he'd be relieved for day to day life just to be the two of you.

What happens when a young person lives with a tense home life, is that often they get out of there as soon as possible. You don't have a lot of years left with your son at home as it is, wouldn't you like them to be east and calm and relaxed for you both?

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:05

GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:04

I’ve realised one of my main questions is how much would you tell a (not very mature) 13 year old? I feel like if he knew how I felt he would understand, but I also don’t feel it’s fair or right to involve him in that way. I don’t think he had the maturity at the moment to be able to really grasp it, and big just see it as the impact on him.

Is there anywhere I can get professional advice on how to handle it best for my sons mental health?

Sorry loads of typos here, hopefully it makes sense.

OP posts:
Tarantullah · 14/04/2023 16:06

I'm sure your son will be relieved.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:06

Thank you, this is hard to stomach but I think you are right. 😓

OP posts:
Nailsandthesea · 14/04/2023 16:07

I would say look things are hard and to give us both stability we are going to move out on our own.
then fully commit to that until he is at least 18.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:07

mistermagpie · 14/04/2023 16:04

Have you read your own post back? I'm not being an arse, but genuinely, it sounds tense and 'eggshelly' and horrible and no amount of 'nice holidays' would make it worth it for me.

From what you say, it sounds like your son puts up with quite an unpleasant atmosphere - if you are waiting for the tone to change all the time, don't kid yourself that he isn't doing that too. He's not a toddler, he will be picking up on everything. You might find he'd be relieved for day to day life just to be the two of you.

What happens when a young person lives with a tense home life, is that often they get out of there as soon as possible. You don't have a lot of years left with your son at home as it is, wouldn't you like them to be east and calm and relaxed for you both?

I meant to quote you (sorry I’m not a big MN poster)

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:08

The fact he targeted your son means do it asap. I know it seems like your son is attached but all it is teaching him is to tolerate abuse. It sounds like a great time to leave. Definitely do it before 18.

I would tell him pretty close to the truth. Unacceptable behaviour and anger. Don’t hint in any way that you’ve stayed in the marriage because of him. That’s a burden he doesn’t need.

Oojamaflipp · 14/04/2023 16:10

It's probably worth thinking of practical things, such as will you still want to see dad/would you be happy for your ds to still see your husband? Be aware that he might be angry with you and refuse to let you see your dad, although at the age she is, she would hopefully have more.of a say.

It sounds like leaving is the best, but I guess you need to be prepared about the impact I'm your/the kids' relationships.

JJ8765 · 14/04/2023 16:10

I posted on a similar thread but the damage to dc is often hidden and comes out later and the damage can be lasting eg their self esteem, learned behaviour they carry into their own relationships. The dc will probably stay connected even if just on social media and are old enough to maintain their own friendship. Don’t wait until uni - it’s better to deal with the fallout together so they go off to uni with a stable base. Also don’t do it in months just before exams. Uni is the most destabilising time for parents to break up as dc have to deal with it alone, with people they’ve just met, while juggling new responsibilities. If you have to move they often don’t feel they have a home to come back to and just stay in uni towns during holidays. It was definitely better for my dc to have a new family setup established before uni. Most teens have friends with similar experiences they will chat to but there are mental health charities like Mind that offer teen counselling.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:12

I know what you’re saying, that it seems obvious that he would be relieved. But he’s not very emotionally mature and I worry he will just see that he’s having to leave his home (that he loves), and hardly ever see his step sister ever again. And a lot of upheaval.

Also, growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal. I’m not sure he sees it how I do, as from his point of view he only sees about 50% of the bad stuff, maybe less.

OP posts:
Abra1t · 14/04/2023 16:12

Nothing to stop your son and DSD staying in touch. They’re old enough to choose their friends.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:13

MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:08

The fact he targeted your son means do it asap. I know it seems like your son is attached but all it is teaching him is to tolerate abuse. It sounds like a great time to leave. Definitely do it before 18.

I would tell him pretty close to the truth. Unacceptable behaviour and anger. Don’t hint in any way that you’ve stayed in the marriage because of him. That’s a burden he doesn’t need.

Thank you. You’re right, that’s a good point.

OP posts:
Tarantullah · 14/04/2023 16:13

Also, growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal. I’m not sure he sees it how I do, as from his point of view he only sees about 50% of the bad stuff, maybe less.

This isn't a good thing, it's not normal and it's sad that a child comes to think it is. Please break the cycle so he doesn't grow up thinking the same as you do.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:15

JJ8765 · 14/04/2023 16:10

I posted on a similar thread but the damage to dc is often hidden and comes out later and the damage can be lasting eg their self esteem, learned behaviour they carry into their own relationships. The dc will probably stay connected even if just on social media and are old enough to maintain their own friendship. Don’t wait until uni - it’s better to deal with the fallout together so they go off to uni with a stable base. Also don’t do it in months just before exams. Uni is the most destabilising time for parents to break up as dc have to deal with it alone, with people they’ve just met, while juggling new responsibilities. If you have to move they often don’t feel they have a home to come back to and just stay in uni towns during holidays. It was definitely better for my dc to have a new family setup established before uni. Most teens have friends with similar experiences they will chat to but there are mental health charities like Mind that offer teen counselling.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I had been ‘holding out till 18´, but you’re right.

i was thinking of doing it in the summer, after step daughters GCSEs because then I have 3 years before sons.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:16

GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:12

I know what you’re saying, that it seems obvious that he would be relieved. But he’s not very emotionally mature and I worry he will just see that he’s having to leave his home (that he loves), and hardly ever see his step sister ever again. And a lot of upheaval.

Also, growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal. I’m not sure he sees it how I do, as from his point of view he only sees about 50% of the bad stuff, maybe less.

You grew up in abusive home and replicated it,

Give your son BETTER than you had. Men can be abused by women. Your son can easily end up with a controlling abusive spouse if you don’t break the cycle now.

You son is vulnerable and you need to protect him. Give him the best chance of a happy life instead of spending it choosing angry abusers over and over again.

Please stop pretending that his temporary distress is a good reason to stay. His stepfather targeted him for years. The damage is under the surface. Please do for him what your parents wouldn’t do for you and protect him even though it’s hard.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:17

Tarantullah · 14/04/2023 16:13

Also, growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal. I’m not sure he sees it how I do, as from his point of view he only sees about 50% of the bad stuff, maybe less.

This isn't a good thing, it's not normal and it's sad that a child comes to think it is. Please break the cycle so he doesn't grow up thinking the same as you do.

I know you’re right. 😥

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:20

Call a solicitor now. Start planning the divorce now. Don’t wait til summer. Don’t delay. Please.

Time is running out to show your child a non abusive childhood. Once he gets to adulthood he has to bear it his entire life. It trips him up at every turn, just like it did you.

You seem clear eyed and smart enough to get out and turn this around. Many children have no chance. Yours can.

Mabelface · 14/04/2023 16:21

One thing I've recently learned is that life is too fucking short to stay unhappy. Take your boy and move out so you both have a peaceful, happy home. Your lad will very much appreciate you doing this and it's likely that his relationship with your partner will fizzle out completely now he doesn't have to live with him.

No excuses, no prevarication, no procrastination. There's nothing to wait for to do it apart from your thoughts.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:23

MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:20

Call a solicitor now. Start planning the divorce now. Don’t wait til summer. Don’t delay. Please.

Time is running out to show your child a non abusive childhood. Once he gets to adulthood he has to bear it his entire life. It trips him up at every turn, just like it did you.

You seem clear eyed and smart enough to get out and turn this around. Many children have no chance. Yours can.

Luckily we are not married.

I have already had financial advice and I know I can do it.

I can’t do it weeks before step daughters GCSEs, it would be too unfair, she’s been studying hard for months.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:28

@GooseyWoo

Can you start gathering documents and going through your list of what to do? I’m just worried it’ll be GCSEs, then gcse results, then something else, then AS levels, then blah blah and you won’t leave.

June/July isn’t that far away. I don’t think you should start planning then, I think you should start planning now. And leave a few weeks after.

gogohmm · 14/04/2023 16:28

This summer, after GCSEs is a good time. Do tell your dsd yourself that she has done nothing wrong and she can still be in your life if she wants to be, at her age it's is very much her decision not her parents whether she continues to see you.

lunar1 · 14/04/2023 16:30

It will be lovely for your son to have the last few years of his childhood not spent walking on eggshells in his own home. He can finally relax and himself.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:33

MarieRoseMarie · 14/04/2023 16:28

@GooseyWoo

Can you start gathering documents and going through your list of what to do? I’m just worried it’ll be GCSEs, then gcse results, then something else, then AS levels, then blah blah and you won’t leave.

June/July isn’t that far away. I don’t think you should start planning then, I think you should start planning now. And leave a few weeks after.

I know you’re right. He’s away this weekend, I guess posting this was my first step. I will make a plan this weekend.

OP posts: