Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone left a partner and essentially broken up your blended family in the process?
I have been with my partner since DS was 4 and he’s now 13. DSD is 2 years older and visits every other weekend. Both kids get on really well, although now in they are teens they’re slightly less close, but the family dynamic when we are all together is generally good and they seem happy and settled.
However, my partner, who is charming 90% of the time, has a really nasty angry side, and after years of trying so so hard to make it work (lots of therapy on both sides, and together) I have reached a point where I now know I don’t want to be with him and feel sure I would be happier single. I just have lost faith that I will ever truly feel emotionally safe around him (he’s never been physically abusive.)
But, the thought of breaking up the family is utterly heartbreaking and I just don’t know if I can go though with it.
My partner’s relationship with my son has been very challenging over the years, and I have threatened to leave several times
because his behaviour towards him has been unacceptable in my eyes.
But in recent years it has improved a lot, and I would say my son is actually quite attached to him, despite finding him very irritating and being aware he has trouble with his temper at times.
However the odd nasty comment does still come flying out of my partners mouth from time to time, often souring a good atmosphere, and I don’t fully trust that he won’t eventually cross the line again. And then I will have no choice but to end it. He’s in therapy at the moment for exactly this reason, but I’m not convinced it’s working. And at this point, I have so much resentment about things from the past, that I don’t like him any more.
As a family we have lots of nice holidays and lovely family time together, which is why it’s so confusing. Because on the face of it, we appear a happy family. But in reality it is often tense for me as I’m just waiting for the tone to change at any moment. It often comes out of the blue, just when I’ve let my guard down.
On the one hand I feel I should stick it out until my son is 18, so as to not cause him any disruption as he’s entering his teenage years. Or my DSD as she goes into her A Levels (although she does live mostly with her mum where things are settled I think). And I worry it will be so upsetting for the kids to not be brother and sister any more and not see each other any more. It’s all they can remember. I can’t bear the idea of breaking that news to them.
On the other hand, I just want out so desperately. I want to stop wasting my life with this overbearing man. And I worry if we don’t leave now, maybe there will be an even bigger blow up in the future, causing even more disruption to my son than if we left now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you tell your kids? How did they take it?
Should I try and stick it out?
(and if you’re wondering why I’m in this mess, I do know it’s my own fault. I’ve learned that it’s a pattern of repeating my own childhood trauma, that now, approaching 40, I want to break and try and avoid ever repeating again)