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Original poster

How to break up a blended family :(

54 replies

GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 15:53

Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone left a partner and essentially broken up your blended family in the process?

I have been with my partner since DS was 4 and he’s now 13. DSD is 2 years older and visits every other weekend. Both kids get on really well, although now in they are teens they’re slightly less close, but the family dynamic when we are all together is generally good and they seem happy and settled.

However, my partner, who is charming 90% of the time, has a really nasty angry side, and after years of trying so so hard to make it work (lots of therapy on both sides, and together) I have reached a point where I now know I don’t want to be with him and feel sure I would be happier single. I just have lost faith that I will ever truly feel emotionally safe around him (he’s never been physically abusive.)

But, the thought of breaking up the family is utterly heartbreaking and I just don’t know if I can go though with it.

My partner’s relationship with my son has been very challenging over the years, and I have threatened to leave several times
because his behaviour towards him has been unacceptable in my eyes.

But in recent years it has improved a lot, and I would say my son is actually quite attached to him, despite finding him very irritating and being aware he has trouble with his temper at times.

However the odd nasty comment does still come flying out of my partners mouth from time to time, often souring a good atmosphere, and I don’t fully trust that he won’t eventually cross the line again. And then I will have no choice but to end it. He’s in therapy at the moment for exactly this reason, but I’m not convinced it’s working. And at this point, I have so much resentment about things from the past, that I don’t like him any more.

As a family we have lots of nice holidays and lovely family time together, which is why it’s so confusing. Because on the face of it, we appear a happy family. But in reality it is often tense for me as I’m just waiting for the tone to change at any moment. It often comes out of the blue, just when I’ve let my guard down.

On the one hand I feel I should stick it out until my son is 18, so as to not cause him any disruption as he’s entering his teenage years. Or my DSD as she goes into her A Levels (although she does live mostly with her mum where things are settled I think). And I worry it will be so upsetting for the kids to not be brother and sister any more and not see each other any more. It’s all they can remember. I can’t bear the idea of breaking that news to them.

On the other hand, I just want out so desperately. I want to stop wasting my life with this overbearing man. And I worry if we don’t leave now, maybe there will be an even bigger blow up in the future, causing even more disruption to my son than if we left now.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you tell your kids? How did they take it?

Should I try and stick it out?

(and if you’re wondering why I’m in this mess, I do know it’s my own fault. I’ve learned that it’s a pattern of repeating my own childhood trauma, that now, approaching 40, I want to break and try and avoid ever repeating again)

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 16:34

I don't think you should stick it out. If your DSD is 15, and presumably has a phone and social media, could you and DS not keep up a relationship with her pretty independently of her dad?

If she lives with her mum full time I can't see this being as hard an adjustment as it would be if they were used to living together full time.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:36

lunar1 · 14/04/2023 16:30

It will be lovely for your son to have the last few years of his childhood not spent walking on eggshells in his own home. He can finally relax and himself.

You’re right.

Partner has been away for a few weeks and it’s been so lovely just the two of us.

Unfortunately we had a family holiday all together last week, which made me feel awful, as they were all having such a good time and I was just thinking ‘how can I break this up?’

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:48

I know it seems so stupid to be in this position. I can already feel my self questioning if I’ve made it sound worse than it is, and that maybe I’m overreacting.

It’s just so confusing when he’s so lovely a lot of the time. I’ve come to realise he love bombs me. I’ve been reading lots over the last few years to try a peace together what the hell is going on.

Even my closet friends, who know all of the details, can’t quite say it’s abusive (although they do support me wanting to leave now I’ve said I want to)

I’m constantly questioning myself - nobodies perfect, people have arguments and some people shout and swear some time etc etc. Even my recent therapist never said outright that what I was describing was abuse. (but he did help me discover this pattern and I guess I’ve then figured it out for myself - but he never confirmed it - although not sure I asked him outright)

OP posts:
MorehouseplantsPls · 14/04/2023 16:53

it doesn’t matter what you label ‘it’ as. You are allowed to leave and live on your own if you choose.

Can I ask if your son sees his own dad at all?

cordelia16 · 14/04/2023 16:54

GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 16:36

You’re right.

Partner has been away for a few weeks and it’s been so lovely just the two of us.

Unfortunately we had a family holiday all together last week, which made me feel awful, as they were all having such a good time and I was just thinking ‘how can I break this up?’

Show quote history

The thing is, though... you're not breaking it up. He has set up an abusive environment where you don't feel emotionally safe or happy. So he's the one breaking up the family. Don't take that guilt on. You're doing what's best for you and your son. Which is a great thing to be doing.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 17:01

MorehouseplantsPls · 14/04/2023 16:53

it doesn’t matter what you label ‘it’ as. You are allowed to leave and live on your own if you choose.

Can I ask if your son sees his own dad at all?

Yeah he does, every other weekend and one night a week.

He’s a bit of a useless un-engaged Dad though, but they get on well and I know that his relationship with him is more important than with his step-dad and it’s good that he has that.

I feel like I will need to talk to his Dad and his new wife (who is v nice) about all of this as soon as it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 17:01

cordelia16 · 14/04/2023 16:54

The thing is, though... you're not breaking it up. He has set up an abusive environment where you don't feel emotionally safe or happy. So he's the one breaking up the family. Don't take that guilt on. You're doing what's best for you and your son. Which is a great thing to be doing.

Show quote history

I guess so. Thank you

OP posts:
diddl · 14/04/2023 17:14

Tbh I think that you should put yourself & your son first & get away asap.

BurntOutGirl · 14/04/2023 17:15

Do you get on with DSD Mum? Could you arrange contact with DSD via her directly... once you are settled in a new place.

Have you thought where you will live? Got a deposit ready etc. This can all take time, so start planning now

waterrat · 14/04/2023 17:40

You don't need to prove it's 'abuse' to leave. There isn't an exam you have to pass to be allowed to leave an unhappy marriage. Thankfully we now live in an era when women can just say no - this is not what I want and I don't want it for my children either.

You may have low self esteem? So don't think you desrve to just set your own boundaries.

You also if I can say so kindly - are putting far too. much onto the 13 year old - ie ,trying to expect him to 'understand' the break up. he doesn't need to understand it. he needs to know that you left / or you both broke up because the love isn't there - thousands of children are told this by parents in the UK every year sadly.

He can learn more perhaps when he is older - if your husband is as horrible to him (even only somtimes) as you say - Im sure your son has learnt to 'appease' him and will be relieved of that duty.

You are prtoecting him from growing up and entering in other abuisve relationships based on this patter. get out before he starts to think and act like this aggressive man.

whatsyourpoison12 · 14/04/2023 17:47

you said 'cross the line AGAIN' which I think answers your question. he's already crossed it once, why should it take another time?

MorrisZapp · 14/04/2023 17:59

Agree with PP. A 13 year old doesn't need to understand your relationship or the reasons behind it ending. That's all your department, as the adult. All your DS needs is your love and the security he has from you as his primary carer.

snoodrops · 14/04/2023 18:05

cordelia16 · 14/04/2023 16:54

The thing is, though... you're not breaking it up. He has set up an abusive environment where you don't feel emotionally safe or happy. So he's the one breaking up the family. Don't take that guilt on. You're doing what's best for you and your son. Which is a great thing to be doing.

Show quote history

This, 100%, your partner's behaviour is breaking the relationship, not your response to it. I grew up in a household with a 'charming' stepdad, who also could turn on a dime to being quite nasty. Even though it wasn't all time it was unbearable, and I couldn't wait to leave home at 18. I was desperate for my mum to leave him. Having never seen anyone exercise healthy boundaries in a relationship I then had some really unhealthy relationships in my 20s and 30s. You're aware enough to realise you have learned this behaviour as a child, you can go the next step and demonstrate to your DS that abuse is not acceptable, even if it's only occasionally. You're constantly questioning yourself because of the drip drip drip effect of your partner's abuse. It'll be setting seeds in your DS's head too, even if he's not outwardly displaying it. Please don't let his potential discomfort at the upheaval outweigh a lifetime's burden of spending his entire childhood in a home where he had to walk on eggshells- that'll do far more damage in the long run. The end of your DSDs GCSE exams would be a great time, the kids would have the summer holidays to wrap their heads around things. That'll give you about 10 weeks from now to get your ducks in a row. You can explain to your DSD that love her and, she'll always be your DSD if that's what she'd like. You can explain to your DS pretty close to the truth in a factual way, that the behaviour was unacceptable so you had to end the relationship.

CantGetDecentNickname · 14/04/2023 18:13

snoodrops · 14/04/2023 18:05

This, 100%, your partner's behaviour is breaking the relationship, not your response to it. I grew up in a household with a 'charming' stepdad, who also could turn on a dime to being quite nasty. Even though it wasn't all time it was unbearable, and I couldn't wait to leave home at 18. I was desperate for my mum to leave him. Having never seen anyone exercise healthy boundaries in a relationship I then had some really unhealthy relationships in my 20s and 30s. You're aware enough to realise you have learned this behaviour as a child, you can go the next step and demonstrate to your DS that abuse is not acceptable, even if it's only occasionally. You're constantly questioning yourself because of the drip drip drip effect of your partner's abuse. It'll be setting seeds in your DS's head too, even if he's not outwardly displaying it. Please don't let his potential discomfort at the upheaval outweigh a lifetime's burden of spending his entire childhood in a home where he had to walk on eggshells- that'll do far more damage in the long run. The end of your DSDs GCSE exams would be a great time, the kids would have the summer holidays to wrap their heads around things. That'll give you about 10 weeks from now to get your ducks in a row. You can explain to your DSD that love her and, she'll always be your DSD if that's what she'd like. You can explain to your DS pretty close to the truth in a factual way, that the behaviour was unacceptable so you had to end the relationship.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Prepare everything so you are ready to go once she has finished her exams and tell your DS why you needed to leave in an age appropriate way. He probably has seen and understood far more than you realise and will be so happy to be with just you. He will be able to concentrate on his school work with you providing him with the support he needs in a safe environment. Glad you are thinking of letting his dad know so he can provide support as well.

Your comment "I don’t like him any more" is more than enough reason to leave. You and your DS will feel a whole sense of relief when you've gone.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 18:30

snoodrops · 14/04/2023 18:05

This, 100%, your partner's behaviour is breaking the relationship, not your response to it. I grew up in a household with a 'charming' stepdad, who also could turn on a dime to being quite nasty. Even though it wasn't all time it was unbearable, and I couldn't wait to leave home at 18. I was desperate for my mum to leave him. Having never seen anyone exercise healthy boundaries in a relationship I then had some really unhealthy relationships in my 20s and 30s. You're aware enough to realise you have learned this behaviour as a child, you can go the next step and demonstrate to your DS that abuse is not acceptable, even if it's only occasionally. You're constantly questioning yourself because of the drip drip drip effect of your partner's abuse. It'll be setting seeds in your DS's head too, even if he's not outwardly displaying it. Please don't let his potential discomfort at the upheaval outweigh a lifetime's burden of spending his entire childhood in a home where he had to walk on eggshells- that'll do far more damage in the long run. The end of your DSDs GCSE exams would be a great time, the kids would have the summer holidays to wrap their heads around things. That'll give you about 10 weeks from now to get your ducks in a row. You can explain to your DSD that love her and, she'll always be your DSD if that's what she'd like. You can explain to your DS pretty close to the truth in a factual way, that the behaviour was unacceptable so you had to end the relationship.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for this. It really hurts to read all of these comments because I know they’re right. And I’m scared. But it’s what I need to hear.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/04/2023 18:49

It's pretty obvious from your posts that, if anything, you are underplaying how bad this is. growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal - do you get how appalling that sounds?

my son is ... aware he has trouble with his temper at times

Is it right that a child should have to understand this? Your DP has crossed lines, you've threatened to leave because of his behaviour towards your child.

You are not exaggerating things. You owe your ds 5 decent years in what's left of his childhood. You owe yourself a chance to break these patterns that you recognise from your own childhood. You both deserve to be happy, and have a homelife that is peaceful.

cordelia16 · 14/04/2023 19:04

tribpot · 14/04/2023 18:49

It's pretty obvious from your posts that, if anything, you are underplaying how bad this is. growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal - do you get how appalling that sounds?

my son is ... aware he has trouble with his temper at times

Is it right that a child should have to understand this? Your DP has crossed lines, you've threatened to leave because of his behaviour towards your child.

You are not exaggerating things. You owe your ds 5 decent years in what's left of his childhood. You owe yourself a chance to break these patterns that you recognise from your own childhood. You both deserve to be happy, and have a homelife that is peaceful.

Absolutely this ^

BevMarsh · 14/04/2023 19:30

Walking on eggshells is all your ds knows so it's going to be a big change for him and I'd be prepared for him to find adjusting difficult however once you both find your feet he'll realise that life with your partner wasn't a normal family life and he'll see a much happier, relaxed mum and know the initial upheaval was worth it.
And he'll see a strong woman who put him first.

Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 19:43

tribpot · 14/04/2023 18:49

It's pretty obvious from your posts that, if anything, you are underplaying how bad this is. growing up in a walking on eggshells house myself, I know you come to accept that as normal - do you get how appalling that sounds?

my son is ... aware he has trouble with his temper at times

Is it right that a child should have to understand this? Your DP has crossed lines, you've threatened to leave because of his behaviour towards your child.

You are not exaggerating things. You owe your ds 5 decent years in what's left of his childhood. You owe yourself a chance to break these patterns that you recognise from your own childhood. You both deserve to be happy, and have a homelife that is peaceful.

No you're right.

He's manipulated me into thinking his behaviour is forgivable - and that he is capable of changing.

But just because he doesn't blow his top completely anymore, or at least hasn't for a year or so, doesn't mean that he's not still just as capable of doing it again. And the occasional smaller slip-ups just reveal that his true colours are still simmering away just below the surface. He hasn't dealt with it, he's just working hard on suppressing it at the moment.

It's taken me 6 months of therapy for me to realise that I have no reference for a man in my life not being like this. My mum really had me subscribed to the 'that's just men...' lies that she's been telling herself her whole life.

I really want to do this now. I honestly was thinking the best thing to do now was to keep things stable until he's 18. Reading all the comments saying I need to do it now so I get 5 years with my son, I now don't know why I was feeling so strongly that that was the right thing to do.

I'm honestly so grateful to everyone who has commented. I don't know why no-one else has laid it out so bluntly like that before. I think I've almost been waiting for someone to give me permission, because I feel so guilty about doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseyWoo · 14/04/2023 19:45

"And he'll see a strong woman who put him first." 😭

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 14/04/2023 19:55

This was me, it got much worse towards my son. It affected everyone and 15yr old there’s been tears in my house in the last week about it. The pain never goes away. Don’t stay, I bet your son will be relieved

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 19:57

Go. Be free and happy. I bet your son will be relieved.

Clymene · 14/04/2023 20:00

You will be doing the most amazing thing for your son by leaving: you'll teach him that abuse is not ok. I would wait until your SD has finished her GCSEs because it's not her fault her dad is abusive but get everything sorted now.

And plan how you're going to tell her. And how you can keep her safe.

cloudybranch · 15/04/2023 08:07

I thought delaying would help the kids. Once I'd done it the kids told me they'd been wanting us to split up for ages and were relieved.

At 13 they know what's not right and it upset them witnessing the emotional abuse. I just didn't know the extent of how much it affected them and how much they saw until I left.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 15/04/2023 08:15

Do you want you son to grow up treating you (and other women) like his stepfather does?

Because if you stay that's who he'll be watching and learning from while he figures out how to be a man.

I'm not being dramatic, I have bitter experience of this I'm afraid. If you wait to get yourself free of this arsehole you'll turn around and find his mini-me has taken his place.