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Original poster

New partner wants baby

68 replies

Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:24

Please be kind here because I am literally having sleepless nights over this.
move been seeing my new partner for a year now. Initially he said he was not bothered either way with regards to having kids. However his sister has recently had a baby and now he has totally changed his mind. He is sooooo broody and talks all the time about is having a baby. I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.
He just talks about it all the time especially when he’s been drinking. We are both in our 40’s and I just feel I have my life together now finally and the thought of going back to the baby days fills me with dread. I love him so much and I know it will break his heart but I know I have to sit down and have this discussion. Sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking here, I just had to get it out. Has anyone else been in this situation and how did it pan out?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 12:25

You have to let him go. Sorry OP. You can't stay with him and take his opportunity for children from him. If you stay together one of you will always resent the other (him for never having kids, you for having to go back to square one when you have the rest of your life ahead of you and finally have some freedom again)

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:27

I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.

If he cannot respect that, then he doesn't deserve to be your partner!

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:28

Especially if you are in your 40s!

potatowhale · 14/04/2023 12:29

You'll have to leave him so he has a chance at finding someone else. He should be leaving you really but he's hoping you'll change your mind instead.

Viviennemary · 14/04/2023 12:30

This is often the other way round on these threads. It won't work. Unless it's just a passing phase.

greenlychee · 14/04/2023 12:30

say goodbye sooner rather than later! otherwise he will resent you or leave you in future. or you will resent him!

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 12:31

@Blaueblumen I don't think it's necessarily that he didn't respect that but that his opinion has changed. That does happen, especially with men and especially if they've never had children in their life before. But now he does and he wants to have his own - and that's his right

Thelittlekingdom · 14/04/2023 12:31

If he wants a baby he really needs to accept that it won’t be with you. I think a lot of men don’t realise that actually carrying a baby for 9 months is really hard work and a lot of women end up having to make life compromises more so than men.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:31

You may not even be fertile anymore...

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 12:32

Absolutely agree with what @Thelittlekingdom said. You know you're the one whose life trajectory would be irreversibly changed by this OP, and the sacrifices you'll have to make right up to your 60s.

Goatbilly · 14/04/2023 12:38

Absolutely you should do what's right for you and your existing child.

He may not be serious..most men like the idea of children and not the actual daily grind of it.

So until now (in his 40s) he'd never express led a defore for his own family?

Goatbilly · 14/04/2023 12:39

*a desire for before!

Original poster
Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:39

You are all totally right, thank you for such quick responses. We will have to have a talk. I totally agree I can’t take his chance of having kids away from him, I need to let him find someone who wants the same. I just can’t go back, the sleepless nights, the needing a new house, bigger car, back to part time so drop in income… I just can’t go back to that again.

OP posts:
AllPaws4 · 14/04/2023 12:39

You are also far more likely to have a child with special needs & I’d bet that wasn’t what he envisioned so you’d be left to get on with it all. Please don’t contemplate this under any circumstances.

workshy46 · 14/04/2023 12:42

Yes, I would hold firm. I know someone who was in the exact same situation and she caved. Her life finally sorted and easier as her kids were too teens. It lasted five minutes once the reality of life with a screaming baby took hold and he is absolutely useless, less than no help. She loves her child but bitterly regrets it. It has impacted her existing kids massively too

Original poster
Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:49

workshy46 · 14/04/2023 12:42

Yes, I would hold firm. I know someone who was in the exact same situation and she caved. Her life finally sorted and easier as her kids were too teens. It lasted five minutes once the reality of life with a screaming baby took hold and he is absolutely useless, less than no help. She loves her child but bitterly regrets it. It has impacted her existing kids massively too

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear and exactly what I’m afraid of. He sees the cute pictures and holds the baby for 5 mins when we visit. But the reality of a baby is so much more than that. I feel like he totally romanticises it to make it sound like we will have this idyllic happy family life but it’s not like that as we all well know. Plus the risks of special needs or things going wrong at this age.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 14/04/2023 12:55

Tell him to volunteer in a creche. only half-joking

Original poster
Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:57

suburbophobe · 14/04/2023 12:55

Tell him to volunteer in a creche. only half-joking

Haha!!! This might be a wake up call for him!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 14/04/2023 12:58

You should put your own needs, long term plans, financial strategy etc, before the sudden whims of someone you have been with only a year.

He's childless and in his forties, he will have little grasp of how all consuming caring for a tiny baby is. He will have an image of a sweet little family, but if the reality doesn't match that, he could well leave you to bring the baby alone.
That's not a good life plan for a woman in her forties already with teenage children.

I'd say it was time to let him go, and focus on your own life, not fulfil someone else's fantasy.

Snugglemonkey · 14/04/2023 13:02

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:27

I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.

If he cannot respect that, then he doesn't deserve to be your partner!

I don't think it is about respecting/disrespecting. You just want different things.

Eatentoomanyroses · 14/04/2023 13:02

No way. Has he even proposed but he expects you to furnish him with a child and jeopardise your health and freedom? Cheek of him. Also you’re in your forties. What happens if the baby has got additional needs or health problems? Would he stick around for that? Cooing over babies is all well and good but the reality is a bit different

tescocreditcard · 14/04/2023 13:05

Does he want to marry you too? Or just impregnate you?

Original poster
Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 13:06

tescocreditcard · 14/04/2023 13:05

Does he want to marry you too? Or just impregnate you?

He has mentioned marriage too

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 14/04/2023 13:08

I dunno, it's tricky. It's hard to gauge whether he genuinely wants to settle down and have a family or whether he just wants to get you pregnant so he can join your ready made family and home and make a cushy, easy life for himself - you will know better than me.

What's his finances like? Assets?

MaireadMcSweeney · 14/04/2023 13:08

I'm sorry you might lose your partner over this but there is no way in hell you should try for a baby you don't want in your 40s. No way.

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