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Original poster

New partner wants baby

68 replies

Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:24

Please be kind here because I am literally having sleepless nights over this.
move been seeing my new partner for a year now. Initially he said he was not bothered either way with regards to having kids. However his sister has recently had a baby and now he has totally changed his mind. He is sooooo broody and talks all the time about is having a baby. I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.
He just talks about it all the time especially when he’s been drinking. We are both in our 40’s and I just feel I have my life together now finally and the thought of going back to the baby days fills me with dread. I love him so much and I know it will break his heart but I know I have to sit down and have this discussion. Sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking here, I just had to get it out. Has anyone else been in this situation and how did it pan out?

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 14/04/2023 13:09

I wonder if he thinks if he keeps mentioning it that you will 'come around' to the idea, I think you need to reiterate again that you wont be changing your mind. I assume condoms arent your only form of contraception? I am not suggesting he would deliberately do anything but you never know!

Starwarslover · 14/04/2023 13:10

OP you know yourself the reality of having children and you’ve made it clear that you’re done with the baby stage and are focusing on the future. Please don’t let him persuade you otherwise, it’s not what you want. Please sit him down and tell him this, it’s up to him what he does next but personally I’d rather lose the relationship, as hard as that is, than go back to the ‘beginning’ in my 40s when I’m finding my feet again as an independent adult rather than ‘mummy’

Original poster
Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 13:12

No I know this, I don’t want to have a baby. The thought of it literally fills me with dread. His finances are pretty good and he owns his own house

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/04/2023 13:14

He's left it late himself, but there are lots of men like him, in their 40's looking for women in their 30's so that they can reproduce for them. If he's got a good job and his life sorted, he might find someone.
Lay your cards on the table, then it's up to him to decide if a baby is more important than your relationship.

TheMarsian · 14/04/2023 13:15

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 12:25

You have to let him go. Sorry OP. You can't stay with him and take his opportunity for children from him. If you stay together one of you will always resent the other (him for never having kids, you for having to go back to square one when you have the rest of your life ahead of you and finally have some freedom again)

FGS who are you to take a decision for someone else?!?

If the OP partner decides that it’s a deal breaker fur him, then it is.
But who are you to decide fir him that it will be a deal breaker? How can the OP decide it is a deal breaker for him?
Don’t you think he should have the agency to decide for himself what he wants?

@Whatadayyyy I think you know it. You need to have a chat about it and tell him you dint want another child.
Dont fall into the trap of thinking you need to to do so to keep him. You might want to remind him that due to your age, it might not happen anyway. (Or it might but it won’t be as straight forward than if you were in your 20s)
What happens after is up to him. But he might well decide that your relationship is more important than a baby. I mean he is in his 40s and has had about 15~20 years to be a father already and he hasn’t….

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/04/2023 13:15

What’s all this talk of letting him go? He’s not being held prisoner, is he? And from what you say OP, you’ve not been lying to him by saying you might be interested when you aren’t. He needs to accept not having a baby, or leave. If he stays but keeps pestering you or making you feel guilty, then you need to leave him. Sorry, this must be difficult but you can’t have a baby for him just because he’s suddenly decided he wants one.

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 13:19

One possible idea if his sister is up for it is to offer to take the baby for a long weekend so she gets a break. And of course expect him to do 90 per cent of the work as it's his DN.

It will be eye opening.

Tarantullah · 14/04/2023 13:21

Good for you for standing firm, agree with others never ever cave just because it's what be wants. It sounds like you have been open and honest about not wanting anymore children, if he mentions it again maybe just reiterate this and reiterate that you won't ever change your mind. Its then up to him what he wants to do, if he wants to be free to find someone who wants children then he has that choice, I suspect though the idea and reality will change his mind when he starts seriously thinking about children in his 40s.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 14/04/2023 13:22

Buy him a puppy 🤣

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 13:22

@RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime I think you have misunderstood me. I mean let him go as in relinquish yourself of a relationship that can only ever lead to resentment on one side or another. Would you want to be with a partner who stayed with you but who always felt you had denied them this huge thing? Even if they said they were happy, I certainly wouldn't!

Sugargliderwombat · 14/04/2023 13:27

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:27

I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.

If he cannot respect that, then he doesn't deserve to be your partner!

How dare someone change their mind!

SafferUpNorth · 14/04/2023 13:28

The sad reality, as others have said, is that you'll probably have to part ways over this. No blame, no-one's fault. You're just at very different stages of your lives.

You've been there, done that in terms of kids.... it would be a grave mistake to cave in. On the other hand, he deserves the chance to be a dad. Else he'll resent you for it.

Definitely a talk with the view to an amicable split.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/04/2023 13:30

I said OP would need to leave him if he didn’t give up the baby demands. ‘Let him go’ in the sense of ‘sack him’, yes, not in the sense of ‘allow him to be free’!

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/04/2023 13:31

Sugargliderwombat · 14/04/2023 13:27

How dare someone change their mind!

Show quote history

He can change his mind but must respect her not changing her mind, and so that means not being partners.

Reugny · 14/04/2023 13:39

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 13:19

One possible idea if his sister is up for it is to offer to take the baby for a long weekend so she gets a break. And of course expect him to do 90 per cent of the work as it's his DN.

It will be eye opening.

When his DN smiles at him after giving him shit he may end up more broody.

Sugargliderwombat · 14/04/2023 13:41

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/04/2023 13:31

He can change his mind but must respect her not changing her mind, and so that means not being partners.

Show quote history

Oh of course, but I don't think it's about not respecting or deserving to be her partner. They just don't have the same priorities anymore.

Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2023 13:48

You've only known this guy a year.
I can't even say 'has he had the decency to discuss marriage with you first at least?' because it's even too soon for that.

I'd find it not only disrespectful, but creepy af tbh.
Chuck this one back.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 13:53

If you're in your 40s with teenage children already and not even married then I'd definitely not want a baby with him!

TheMarsian · 14/04/2023 13:54

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 13:22

@RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime I think you have misunderstood me. I mean let him go as in relinquish yourself of a relationship that can only ever lead to resentment on one side or another. Would you want to be with a partner who stayed with you but who always felt you had denied them this huge thing? Even if they said they were happy, I certainly wouldn't!

Because you are assuming that the other person is thinking like you.

That it’s not possible to accept not having children in favour of staying in a happy relationship. And that thé ‘I’m happy with it’ will be a lie. That will lead to resentment.
Except that this is how YOU would feel. And how YOU would react.

And not everyone does.

In RL, people accept that children will not be part if their lives for many different reasons. From their partner not wanting children, fertility issues, having waited too long (like HE did?), illness etc etc….
Dont assume.
And please don’t take choice out of people hands to fit your narrative.

TheOrigRights · 14/04/2023 13:55

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 12:27

I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.

If he cannot respect that, then he doesn't deserve to be your partner!

That's a bit harsh. He's changed his mind.
OP hasn't said that he doesn't respect her position.

Riverlee · 14/04/2023 13:56

Don’t feel obliged to have a child because your partner wants one. It could just be a nine day wonder as his sister has had a child recently. As you know, the reality is different to the magazine cover.

You need The Discussion and explain it’s not going to happen.As someone upthread said, it may not even be possible.

Emmelina · 14/04/2023 13:58

I would say the same to any woman whose chap was putting kids off and off and watching their fertile years tick by - you don’t want the same things and that’s okay. You shouldn’t feel pressured to have another baby. I’m also in my 40’s and definitely understand not wanting to go back to baby years! The teenage years bring a lot of challenges and your existing children need your focus. He can still find another willing to have babies.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 14:06

The teenage years bring a lot of challenges and your existing children need your focus.

Good point

ACynicalDad · 14/04/2023 14:16

I was going to say tell his sister he'd love the baby for a long weekend as soon as she is ready. You don't need to act now, but if it's more than a phase then you probably need to walk away.

UncleHerbie · 14/04/2023 14:34

“YukoandHiro · Today 13:19
One possible idea if his sister is up for it is to offer to take the baby for a long weekend so she gets a break. And of course expect him to do 90 per cent of the work as it's his DN.
**
It will be eye opening.”

… haha this with bells on - or maybe just an overnight where you have an “emergency” where you need to go out (to a pub 😂) and he’s left, literally, to hold the baby!