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Relationships

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Original poster

New partner wants baby

68 replies

Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 12:24

Please be kind here because I am literally having sleepless nights over this.
move been seeing my new partner for a year now. Initially he said he was not bothered either way with regards to having kids. However his sister has recently had a baby and now he has totally changed his mind. He is sooooo broody and talks all the time about is having a baby. I have a kids already in early teens and I was honest from the start that I didn’t want more.
He just talks about it all the time especially when he’s been drinking. We are both in our 40’s and I just feel I have my life together now finally and the thought of going back to the baby days fills me with dread. I love him so much and I know it will break his heart but I know I have to sit down and have this discussion. Sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking here, I just had to get it out. Has anyone else been in this situation and how did it pan out?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 14:43

Thank you so much for all the kind responses and good advice. If anything putting it in writing and reading the responses has confirmed to me it’s an absolute no go. I will have the chat with him and see what he says. I already had my ex walk out and leave me with the kids, the thought of that happening again too makes me feel sick

OP posts:

goody2shooz · 14/04/2023 14:45

@Whatadayyyy just imagine it - in your sixties with a teenager. And the good part is if there are no health issues for YOU or the child. Run!

CatMattress · 14/04/2023 14:52

Maybe he could go stay with his sister for a week and do all the night waking with the baby, follow her around, see what the actual reality of a baby is. It might be eye opening.

But then, there's nothing quite like having your own to make you realise how fucking EXHAUSTING a new baby is.

I'm in a second relationship. I have two late primary aged kids, he's younger with no kids. I swear to god I check in with him once a month that he still doesn't want any because it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. No way am I doing that again!

BuHao · 14/04/2023 15:51

I know a woman who had had 2 children with her husband. Remarried, her new husband wanted one, so she had another. He then left, and she then had 3 children as a single mum. I wouldn’t do it, personally. I can’t think of anything worse than having another baby in my 40s.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 16:07

just imagine it - in your sixties with a teenager

It's hard enough in your 40s without the premenopausal symptoms...!

gogohmm · 14/04/2023 16:23

An honest conversation, say what you have said here and that at your age the probability of natural conception is slim. Say that you completely understand if he wants to walk away from your relationship to find someone younger who can make him a dad and whilst you will be very sad you want what's best for him.

He may or may not realise it's one or the other and it could bring him to his senses.

cptartapp · 14/04/2023 16:39

He won't take the child with him if you were to split up. Statistically he wouldn't even do 50/50.
Remember that.

strawberry2017 · 14/04/2023 16:59

I couldn't start again in my 40's, I've had my kids in my 30's and it's been bloody hard work, to start again years down the line sounds awful.
Plus realistically age isn't on your side (no offence)

MaireadMcSweeney · 14/04/2023 17:11

Whatadayyyy · 14/04/2023 14:43

Don't say this to him, he'll promise not to walk out. Just stick to the fact that you don't want to.

Moser85 · 14/04/2023 18:32

No way on earth.
And if the relationship failed most likely you'd be the one doing absolutely everything, making all the sacrifices and everything that goes with parenthood while he has the baby/child EOW

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/04/2023 20:56

Don't do it, I had this with my husband of 15 years. I ended up having a baby at 42 just when my life was going the way I wanted. He decided having a baby wasn't what he wanted after all and had an affair and left me when DS was 2. DS was subsequently diagnosed with autism and I've brought him up alone. It's been desperately hard. If this is so important to him then you need to end it.

gannett · 14/04/2023 21:22

Not sure if this helps or makes it worse but ultimately the ball will be in his court. The OP doesn't need to leave him, though she needs to accept that he may sadly leave her.

OP: whatever you do, don't cave. But have that difficult, honest conversation sober. It's not necessarily the end of the relationship; actually having to think properly about the reality of becoming a father (and losing his partner) might bring him back around to his initial position. Drunken broodiness doesn't necessarily equal sober longing at the expense of a good relationship. But if it does, then be assured that it was what needed to happen for both of you.

Mumof3confused · 14/04/2023 23:06

I can totally relate. I have three gorgeous children and really loving the freedom of being able to leave them for short periods of time, ask them to nip to the shops, have them make their own breakfast etc. There’s no way I’d go back to the toddler years of hanging out in a playground pushing a swing for hours or the sleepless nights and the anxiety. It wouldn’t feel fair on the existing children, to have to deal with the reality of separated parents and then a mum
whose totally wrecked from sleepless nights - which I’m sure is MUCH harder at 43 than 33!

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 00:00

MN has regularly had threads where women in their 40's were talked into it and things didn't work out.

However hard you imagine it would be, multiple by 10.

I am very suspicious of men who didn't pursue having children until their 40's.

Its a massive shock to them and if its too much, they simply leave.

You owe it to your children to not risk the life they have now.

No man is owed a baby.

AprilFool23 · 15/04/2023 07:42

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 00:00

MN has regularly had threads where women in their 40's were talked into it and things didn't work out.

However hard you imagine it would be, multiple by 10.

I am very suspicious of men who didn't pursue having children until their 40's.

Its a massive shock to them and if its too much, they simply leave.

You owe it to your children to not risk the life they have now.

No man is owed a baby.

Yeah, I find him flaky.

Hasn't had them.by 40s. It's not exactly hard to find a woman wanting to settle and have kids in you 20s and 30s; most do, often quite desperately.

Then he gets into a pretty serious relationship with a woman in her 40s, who already has them; a poor candidate for having them.

Now he's gotten a tiny slice of new baby Dom from his sister, and suddenly wants one and is all broody.

He's flaky, and he's wasted a year of your time and emotion, and is going to put you through the pain of ending it with a man you're in love with (intentionally or not on his part).

AprilFool23 · 15/04/2023 07:47

I honestly think men - because they don't have that fertility cliff (not to say they don't have fertility issues as they age, but they don't have the cliff) - are often just wired differently in thinking about this. They know in the back of their mind/subconsciously/whatever; that they can potentially have kids at any time in future and so they gave this laissez faire, cavalier, flaky, attitude towards it. And they get into relationships in this thoughtless way, and now create situations like this.

Riverlee · 15/04/2023 12:31

Have you had The Chat? How did it go?

Pumpling · 15/04/2023 12:40

I was in the same situation, but in my case I was the partner. I made my partner aware from year one that I wanted a baby and he was adamant he never wanted one. 7 years later I "fell" pregnant and he's just left me with a 3 month old. He was miserable about it and never changed his mind and I wish either one of us had the strength to leave when we figured we weren't compatible. He's 34 so knew what he wanted. Just not worth being with someone who wants different things in a relationship, especially things like babies. It always ends in heartbreak in my experience and from what I've seen of others

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