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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Second wife and Wills

98 replies

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 22:05

Both on our second marriage. DH has two kids now adults from his first marriage and I have no kids. We have been together for 6 years and married 5.

For almost 5 years I have been paying for our lives whilst he is an entrepreneur and has been building companies. For about 4 years I have paid also paid his accommodation costs when his children were at university and mortgage for his old marital home until his children finished university. These arrangements with were made and in place prior to us meeting and because his businesses did not make any money and he was still wanted to help the kids have a home for them in London whilst in university I paid for these.

His business was/is our retirement ticket - it is more than a hope, it is highly probably to come to fruition - and is expected to start making money this year and reach a good valuation which will allow us to retire in 5 years. For me this means I can retire in my early 50s, he is some years older. I support him every day in the agonising world of entrepreneurship in every way. I have even paid for some of his business expenses when he did not have any money.

I am a high earner so we have had a very comfortable life, however, my divorce settlement has had depleted quite.

All of my employment benefits have him as a 100% beneficiary.

I have a brother and who has two children who I am close to. They are comfortable but I would want to educate and give them an inheritance when time comes for university which is good timing with the company making money.

Thanks for reading this far!
DH and I are very close. We always talk about looking after family and friends when his company makes money and the charities we would like to support. He broke my heart the other day when he said that in his Last Will, he will leave a third each to me and each of his kids. I expected 50/50 to me and the two kids. I am now so angry that I am thinking about divorcing him when the time is right to get 50% just to prove a point.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 14/04/2023 10:41

Tbh I think he is wrong, particularly as you have been supporting his kids and his ex for 4 years. So I would have that conversation of 50% to you to cover that. If he says no then so be it

but I would also change my will. A third to him, and the rest split between your brothers children. Why should his children, who already have two parents to inherit from inherit from you? It doesn’t make sense to me

ArcticSkewer · 14/04/2023 10:49

I think your own parents will, and apparently those of your friends, are somewhat unusual.

Usually it's 100% to surviving spouse who then leaves it to the kids (where it's uncomplicated by divorce and stepkids).

With remarriage and stepkids it's usually mirror wills (nightmare as then the kids are disinherited by the surviving spouse) or it's all to the kids (that parent's half! obviously the other spouse keeps their own assets) and the stepparent gets a life interest in the house plus of course the pension.

It probably wouldn't be a 50:50 split of you divorce now - which is lucky for you as you seem the one with all the money right now!

neilyoungismyhero · 14/04/2023 10:58

I was going to say the same as pps... he saw you coming for sure. It's hardly believable to be honest that you've been this accomodating with your money...they've all been living off your shilling for years..

maddy68 · 14/04/2023 11:01

I think 1/3 is fair.

He should leave his children comfortable. They would have had 50% each if you hadn't come along

You don't need the money either
T

mrsfennel · 14/04/2023 11:15

I feel for you as this must have been a shock, but from his children's point of view surely they should get a greater portion of inheritance ?
But to be honest I think more of an issue is that at the moment there is 50% or 1/3 of absolutely nothing.

Do you have your own house ring fenced? If you divorced can you afford to start again?

Sittwritt · 14/04/2023 11:41

OP I really think that anxiety aside people are commenting for your best interest.

it’s not at all about the will, it’s about the guy exploiting you and you still not being able to see it when people actually point it out time and time again. I don’t know how else you can get insight. You need some clarity.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:42

His business was/is our retirement ticket

oh dear. Oh dear

Somersetgirl1 · 14/04/2023 12:22

Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 23:52

Well, I'm glad I made you laugh, OP, and that you've got a sense of humour. Looks like you're going to need it.
And as an aside, your husband could still give you a share of his share in the business, it doesn't have to affect his co-founder's share. He'd still own the same percentage he does now.
I'd talk to your DH about doing that now, rather than waiting till it starts turning a profit.
If nothing else, i hope you've kept records of everything you've contributed over last 5 years just in case it does end in divorce. It could get nasty.

Would look into this - what structure is the business - sole trader, LLP, company?

Is there any reason why you could not become part owner (for example, a dental practice I believe restrict who can own)

I would also be tempted to seek advice from a matrimonial solicitor re what your likely entitlement would be if you divorced now. My particular worry would be that, you, as a high earner and his business not earning a great deal yet may weaken your position. Also what contributions you have made would count. I have known a number of women who, on 2nd marriage, sell their house, live in his and fund the holidays for all etc and the 'extras' and have come off a great deal worse

CJsGoldfish · 14/04/2023 13:11

The gist of it is that he is a good man with the good intentions and did not take advantage of me. We could afford for him to focus entirely on his venture and for me to pay for the kids' costs so we did, and so he could focus on what will soon be a ticket to financial freedom. This means taking higher risks for higher rewards knowing full well of the risk that most business fail. I was taking a calculated risk, I was not being a mug
What's this "WE"?
"we could afford....." "...so WE did"
No love, there was no we. YOU paid for someone elses kids and someone elses ex wife. YOU. Whilst also fully supporting him.
You've been well and truly used 😢

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 13:18

And you were paying for kids to attend uni within a year of meeting him?
When you say you were taking a calculated risk, it sounds like you were considering a business deal, not a happy, satisfying, equal marriage.
And he's probably thinking you're going to be OK with inheriting 30% (of nothing) because you only took 20% on a divorce settlement after last marriage. He knew straightaway what an easy target you were and you've been used for your money since day one

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 13:19

And I don't know why I'm still participating in this thread as if it's a real scenario because, as my username suggests, I don't believe a word of it

Original poster

GummyBear7 · 14/04/2023 13:35

Thanks once again, and I will stop reading this thread now. I find it difficult to keep reading this and not have that hate switch in my head flick off DH.

I personally don't see the difference between investing in a business, as a seed investor or a later stage turnover positive venture and my situation. A business started during a marriage is considered a financial marital asset and its value is taken into account during a financial settlement. I will take the advice to get legal advice on the matter.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 14/04/2023 13:39

I think you've got some of your pronouns wrong here.

The gist of it is that he is (currently) a good man with the good intentions and (I) did not (see home as) taking advantage of me. We (I made it possible so he) could afford for him to focus entirely on his venture and for me to pay for the kids' costs so we (I) did, and so he could focus on what will soon be a (his) ticket to financial freedom. This means taking higher risks for higher rewards knowing full well of the risk that most business fail. I was taking a calculated risk, I (did not réalise I was being taken for) a mug.

Somersetgirl1 · 14/04/2023 13:42

Good luck OP, I hope you get the advice and find a solution

changeme4this · 15/04/2023 00:22

Just to add to my comment earlier, you have mentioned there are two other partners and who are doing the actual work.
It’s my experience when money and partnerships are involved, people start questioning who is contributing the most and what proportion they feel they should be entitled to of any profit, and how much actually stays with the business to feed its growth and expense.

im going to put to you that I would expect the two other partners to make grumbling noises when profit turns rolling in. Should they do so, is you DH able to either buy them out and continue the work or is it likely he will be made redundant by the two others once the business is moving along nicely?

I think that has to be factored in some where as a potential.

Invadersmustdie · 15/04/2023 00:36

Fucking hell OP 😱 you seem like an intelligent woman yet you have handed over serious amounts of money to your 'D'h, his ex wife and his children. In 6 years? Why? I just cant comprehend. Is he gold plated? Were you very lonely? I would suggest you divorce him but it might cost you more than staying with him tbh. This has to to be made up because I refuse REFUSE to believe someone is this ddesperate. He saw you coming and I bet him and his ex have had a right bloody laugh at your expense. Literally!

Codlingmoths · 15/04/2023 02:19

In Your discussions with him, don’t be tricked by other examples. A couple meeting later in life with developed careers might well both leave nearly everything to their own children. He doesn’t have a developed career, you have gone all in on this relationship and are supporting him to develop a career and paying for his children like your own. That’s 50/50 territory.

Codlingmoths · 15/04/2023 02:20

and he can pay the rent now and fund his children and pay half the costs from now on if he disagrees. Even the most committed of partners can draw the line at supporting their other half for years.

SullysBabyMama · 15/04/2023 02:43

I wouldn’t worry about if his imaginary business every makes any money, I would be more worried about this dosser who has been living rent free with you for 6 years and had you paying for his adult children! He’s taking you for a ride!

mischlerischler · 15/04/2023 04:38

Oh this was hard to read.

You need to get a legal advice asap, OP.

Who was funding his life (and his kids) before he met you?
It sounds like you started paying for him very early on.

You mentioned he is an idea man, hopefully his business will take off, but you took a massive leap of faith on someone who you knew so briefly.

What happens if his business never takes off?
Or if he decides to divorce you right before it does?

I think your intentions were very noble, but you put yourself in a lot of financial risk without any legal guarantees (as PPs mentioned, you should have been given a partial ownership of his business as you funded part of it).

Sittwritt · 15/04/2023 08:03

You hear so many stories of women marrying their waiter on holiday and this kid of thing happening. I presume he’s in this country but it’s very much like one of those scenarios where they see the marriage as income.

PaigeMatthews · 15/04/2023 08:11

Sittwritt · 15/04/2023 08:03

Quite. He has happily expected op to fund his dream for five years.

DartmoorWild · 15/04/2023 16:42

Sunken cost fallacy. The OP doesn't want to pull on the thread in case it starts to unravel.

If he's been running the business for 5 years without profit and it doesn't make anything in its fifth year, then its a vanity project. Sorry to be so blunt but I've been involved in SMBs for a long time now and run my own business. Something doesn't sound right here.

In your shoes, I'd take the business accounts to an independent advisor and get an objective view on viability. You need to know whether your retirement plans are valid or built on sand. Sadly all that glitters isn't gold.

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