Second wife and Wills

[GummyBear7]

Both on our second marriage. DH has two kids now adults from his first marriage and I have no kids. We have been together for 6 years and married 5.

For almost 5 years I have been paying for our lives whilst he is an entrepreneur and has been building companies. For about 4 years I have paid also paid his accommodation costs when his children were at university and mortgage for his old marital home until his children finished university. These arrangements with were made and in place prior to us meeting and because his businesses did not make any money and he was still wanted to help the kids have a home for them in London whilst in university I paid for these.

His business was/is our retirement ticket - it is more than a hope, it is highly probably to come to fruition - and is expected to start making money this year and reach a good valuation which will allow us to retire in 5 years. For me this means I can retire in my early 50s, he is some years older. I support him every day in the agonising world of entrepreneurship in every way. I have even paid for some of his business expenses when he did not have any money.

I am a high earner so we have had a very comfortable life, however, my divorce settlement has had depleted quite.

All of my employment benefits have him as a 100% beneficiary.

I have a brother and who has two children who I am close to. They are comfortable but I would want to educate and give them an inheritance when time comes for university which is good timing with the company making money.

Thanks for reading this far!
DH and I are very close. We always talk about looking after family and friends when his company makes money and the charities we would like to support. He broke my heart the other day when he said that in his Last Will, he will leave a third each to me and each of his kids. I expected 50/50 to me and the two kids. I am now so angry that I am thinking about divorcing him when the time is right to get 50% just to prove a point.
AIBU?

I don't understand why you would expect 50/50 from him when it has NEVER been a 50/50 marriage. You've been the mug that has supported him AND his family for 6 years. Why were you so desperate that you did that?
They are so very lucky you came along.

@Lizzt2007 thank you, I finally feel understood.

Coincidentally I just read thread on wills and partners and step kids. One advice was to think through events that may happen once you pass. In DH’s case, if he goes first I could remarry and my circs and intentions may change. That makes immense sense on why a 1/3 split is best for peace of mind. Of course there are alternatives but that could be awkward.

I have 24 hours to calm down and speak rationally when he’s back.

You should get at least half. There'll be no business, no London home for his children and student loan free if not for you. Start doing more for your brothers children now.

Hmmm I think you've been a mug paying for his mortgage, children's accommodation etc but the will is a separate issue.

I can understand your anger but also don't really feel that his will is unfair. He has a wife (you), and 2 children - leaving you a third each means you're all equal to him.

I don't really think you'll get 50/50 in a divorce either as 5 years of marriage is considered short in family court and you have no children together, and no real assets to speak of as of this moment.

His co-founder has an almost six figure sum invested. So I cannot claim ownership of the business
incorrect. You can claim ownership even if it is 2%. You ask for 2% shares (or whatever your investment account to).
If this is a tech type startup and is worth a few millions in a year or two that 2% has some value!

Op he is just protecting his kids, don’t take it too personally. Though now you have this knowledge use it to your advantage. Let him start paying his share of the bills immediately. Put aside extra money so you can fund your own retirement. Make the most of the years you still work, and really set yourself up. If you were happy in the relationship don’t let this ruin it. Just remember you can leave him nothing in your will if you like. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave something for your niece and nephew.

But it sounds like she's basically funded it? Where would he be without her support?

I have read your posts OP but not all of the forum replies... what stands out for me is you are presuming on still being married at the time of his death and expecting some sort of settlement at that stage, which is understandable but there are enough posts on this forum where one spouse has been taken by complete surprise their OH wants out.

What if he ends the marriage? How will you be compensated for your financial outlay to date? What proof can you gather now?

I'd be tempted to get an agreement in writing pretty soon as to what you have funded and how he see's you being compensated.

And I say this with a bit of experience in that my DH lent money before my time to a very good friend for land purchase, it was supposed to be a partnership which never made it onto the title, and 15 years after the loan, the friend died.

Second wife refused to acknowledge DH had provided funds even though it had been clearly discussed in front of her (she wanted to subdivide the property and move, DH wanted to know where he stood, friend didn't really have much to say apart from the work he put into the property), bank documents showing the transfer no longer existed and second wife/family and the court wanted written proof.

You just can't take someone's word these days they will repay you.

Wills can be changed. So you can’t win. You can change it to what you want it, but he can change it back the next day. Or write you out completely.

I wouldn't expect you to inherit anything at all from his estate, so you are doing well by my standards.

You keep your money, he keeps his. You give away yours as you wish, he does the same.

His priority should be his kids not a second wife of a few years standing.

This should be reflected in ownership of the business in that case

My new will (written after divorce) states 100% of my assets to my two children (50% each)
I won't change that if I meet and marry a new man.

I’m on my second marriage. I haven’t left anything to my dh in my will. Not because I don’t love him-I absolutely do-but he doesn’t need my money. I’ve left it all to my children-and I told him the same-I don’t need his money but the youngsters do. So I struggle to see why you’re so angry. 1/3 is quite generous imo if his business does take off. It acknowledges your role and support as his wife while providing for his children.

Make sure you make a new will if that happens then as marriage will invalidate that.

Will do. I think chances of me marrying again are vanishingly small anyway.

OP. You need to stop worrying about him and his children and start worrying about yourself and your future. You've got no guarantee that you will ever see any benefit from his business. Buy the house and leave your share to your blood family.

It seems your step children will already have done well out of you contributing to their family home, which they will inherit along with 2/3 of their father's estate.

I guess the first thing to say is: always be wary of anyone who refers to themselves as an entrepreneur. It's code for 'chancer'.

The timeline of this is highly fishy. You met 6 years ago and he started the business 5 years ago. You've funded his domestic life whilst his investor has funded his business life. He is the 'ideas man', other people supply the money or do the actual work. (As an aside, are the actual doers getting paid by this company or are they also working on a promise of profit sharing to come? A friend of mine got very heavily burnt this way by believing in one of these silver-tongued chancers who said he had a deal basically ready to go as soon as the software was done and then vanished into thin air).

I do think the will is a symptom of the problems here, rather than the cause.

Why have you propped him up financially for the last five years? Doesn't sound like much of an entrepreneur if he is broke in his 40s, unable to pay his own rent or for his kids. And being so financially enmeshed with someone you had only known such a short time - why?

The will: I think the split is fair. His dc will need more money than you will.

But I'd be really careful from now on. How much money have you sunk into the business? Five years is a long time for a new business not to make money...

I think once the business makes money he needs to pay you back for the mortgage payments and the university payments.

I think a third is ok, if you are treated well financially going forward.

However, I would be making your brother and his kids your primary beneficiary over and above his kids.

Depending on how long you have been married when he dies, how depend you are on him for living cost and how much his estate is worth if he writes a will leaving you a third you can challenge it to get more as his adult children aren't dependents.

However personally you are a mug funding his children. Do as @changeme4this says.

And put your brother's children down as beneficiaries of your pensions TODAY. While the pension trustees can ignore your wishes, they are unlikely to.

This is a difficult read.

He rightly landed on his feet when he met you!

Get your paper together, but keep your powder dry.

I would get some legal advice.

Wait until the business is up and going, within a year?

What about if it doesn't work out?

Will you remain funding this chancer's lifestyle.

It htink he’s being very fair. There’s no way he can be sure that if he dies first, you will leave your inheritance from him to his DCs.

It seems to me that actually, you’re very angry about your current contributions to supporting him and his family going unrecognised. And it seems to me that you need to receive some “repayment “ of all the ways you’ve supported your husbands family while he and you are still alive!

His will can’t balance up your paying for his family. This is what needs to be recognised and evened up.

Or he puts his estate into a trust giving you use of income on his death, but capital goes to his children. Would you prefer that?

But I really think that the issue is the imbalance NOW and the fact that you’re paying for his ex-wife’s home etc. His family and indeed, your husband, should recognise this and repay you while you’re all still alive!

Thanks all for your replies especially those who actually understood and responded to my question.

The gist of it is that he is a good man with the good intentions and did not take advantage of me. We could afford for him to focus entirely on his venture and for me to pay for the kids' costs so we did, and so he could focus on what will soon be a ticket to financial freedom. This means taking higher risks for higher rewards knowing full well of the risk that most business fail. I was taking a calculated risk, I was not being a mug.

To those responding without having read my posts or the question I have which I mentioned in two different posts, you really do not help. You just add to my anxiety while all you do get your uninformed and pointless comments.

I do now know what I need to do. I will speak to him and tell him that his comment made me feel. It is not about the money, as it stands a 1/3 will be more than I will ever save working to retirement (he was made an offer by a large corp in my presence last week, on the back of which he made his 1/3 comment). It is about the sentiment that his statement sends to me and how it makes me feel - like an outsider and not trusted to do the right thing. This is not the way I have treated his family to date having done the right thing by them and having proved myself to be trustworthy. I expected him to do what his father did - split his estate 50/50 to his surviving wife and his two children.

You're lambasting commentors who are actually trying to help you OP. Yes, they commented outside of your question, but based on your previous 20% out of your first marriage rather than the 50 you had a right to - and funding your DH for 5 out of the 6 years together with no share in any aspect of the business you are not looking after your own best interests. I know because...here's my story:

My DDs dad also had a startup venture. A year in he stopped his freelance work and started it. It all seemed legit, we agreed I would work (well paid job) and he would focus on it. I paid our rent, and when DD came along her nursery fees so I could work and he could keep working on the business. 3 years in it wasn't making money, he'd got investment in it but basically I lost my very well paid job and had to accept a less well paid job, I was then unable to cover all our bills. I had to take out loans to survive. I begged him to take a job, a part time job, anything....he refused. A year later and I was financially in the shit....he couldn't take loans because obviously he had no income, so it was all on me. I eventually gave him an ultimatum. Get a job or go....He left. He left and I ended up in debt that i'm still paying off. Later, he sent me a list of what he owed me in half the rent and other costs - £48,000. He put it onto his company headed paper and classed it as a 'business loan'. The company that still earned nothing, which he then classed as 'dormant'..and which he would never be personally liable for. I could have gone after him personally of course but he's not got the money to pay me (He did get a £130,000 inheritance later but guess what - he hid it from me. I found out through his sister...too late because he'd pissed that up the wall on this venture as well). Your DH business may well be about to take off...all that....but you aren't actually protecting yourself...And noone should sit around telling you it's fine to do that.