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Original poster

Second wife and Wills

98 replies

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 22:05

Both on our second marriage. DH has two kids now adults from his first marriage and I have no kids. We have been together for 6 years and married 5.

For almost 5 years I have been paying for our lives whilst he is an entrepreneur and has been building companies. For about 4 years I have paid also paid his accommodation costs when his children were at university and mortgage for his old marital home until his children finished university. These arrangements with were made and in place prior to us meeting and because his businesses did not make any money and he was still wanted to help the kids have a home for them in London whilst in university I paid for these.

His business was/is our retirement ticket - it is more than a hope, it is highly probably to come to fruition - and is expected to start making money this year and reach a good valuation which will allow us to retire in 5 years. For me this means I can retire in my early 50s, he is some years older. I support him every day in the agonising world of entrepreneurship in every way. I have even paid for some of his business expenses when he did not have any money.

I am a high earner so we have had a very comfortable life, however, my divorce settlement has had depleted quite.

All of my employment benefits have him as a 100% beneficiary.

I have a brother and who has two children who I am close to. They are comfortable but I would want to educate and give them an inheritance when time comes for university which is good timing with the company making money.

Thanks for reading this far!
DH and I are very close. We always talk about looking after family and friends when his company makes money and the charities we would like to support. He broke my heart the other day when he said that in his Last Will, he will leave a third each to me and each of his kids. I expected 50/50 to me and the two kids. I am now so angry that I am thinking about divorcing him when the time is right to get 50% just to prove a point.
AIBU?

OP posts:

titchy · 13/04/2023 23:32

I think you've been a total fool to pay for his adult kids and a house for them and his ex to be blunt.... I'm sure you know what I meant by step mother - you've not known the children since they were small children, you're not particularly part of their lives given that they're adults, they surely don't think if you as step mum, just their fathers wife, however fond you all are of each other.

I wouldn't be so convinced you'd get 50% of his assets either tbh - there are no children, not a very long marriage and he doesn't have many (any?) assets - in a divorce you could well have to pay him something!

What do you mean you don't have anyone else to leave your estate to? You have niece/nephew - surely you're closer to them than your dh's kids?

Unicorn2022 · 13/04/2023 23:34

That was a difficult read OP. It really sounds like he saw you coming. Also I'm struggling to understand why you would leave a single penny in your will to adult stepchildren you have only known for five years, and not leave the whole lot to your brother and his children.

titchy · 13/04/2023 23:34

Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 23:27

You've only been together 6 years and for all those years you've supported him, his business, his adult children, paid for his former marital home and he's paid for....?
You fund his and his co-founders' business bit you're not part-owner?
God, he really seen you coming, didn't he?
If you're that upset that he's only leaving you 30% (of nothing) in his will but point out that you'll get 50% (of nothing), it's a no-brainer, isn't it? You're getting a percentage of nothing, so you either divorce him now and he gets to claim a percentage of your earnings because he's financially reliant on you and because at the moment he has nothing. Or you wait until he dies and you end up skint because you'll still be financing him, his business and his kids, have nothing in your name and you'll inherit a percentage of absolutely nothing.
For such a successful high earner, you don't have much financial nous, eh?

Good post

Original poster

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 23:35

@Dontbelieveaword you made me laugh with shame, and somewhat scared.
I think (!) I know enough about the business to know it will work turning profit before the end of the year.
But yes, very little financial nous, for damn sure.
I did not fund his business, i paid for some business expenses - say 4 trips and a conference. His co-founder has an almost six figure sum invested. So I cannot claim ownership of the business.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 13/04/2023 23:35

You've only been married 6 years. But you shouldnt have been paying the mortgage on his marital home, Why did you. He got 20% of the equity and you got nothing. Why weren't you buying your own house instead of paying his mortgage.,younare a high earner but are in a rented property. It's all a bit of a mess.

I think you need to concentrate on the here and now rather than dwelling on who will inherit your money and his money. Don't know what I would do in your situation. I think I might get divorced and buy a house of my own.

EyesOnThePies · 13/04/2023 23:40

In your position I would be leaving a higher proportion to your brother’s children. They are blood relatives, and your step children have their own mother to inherit from.

It seems that for 5 years you have supported your DH and his kids so I’m not sure why you would now be so furious as to consider divorce when he plans to leave (as yet fictional) money to them.

He is quite rightly making provision for his offspring. Make provision for your niece / nephew.

Original poster

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 23:44

I have not paid for the kids as adults, only for their uni accommodation, which stopped when they left and got jobs. The house mortgage was only until they finished uni so they can stay when they came back to London. Anyway, all of this is done now.

I don't intend to be any more stupid than I've been already and do not intend to leave him now....I will bide my time.

@titchy because it is their father's money and they should get most of it bar the things I would like to pay for my brother's kids. I have always tried to be fair with things like this. My first divorce settlement after 15 years of marriage, according to lawyers I was due 50% of our wealth. But I settled for 20% because most of it was my ex's and I only took we made together. DH knows this too.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 13/04/2023 23:45

Have you told him how you feel? Tell him you are no longer a team as it’s clear that it’s been everything that’s yours is his and his children’s but not the other way around, that it’s not so much about the money but about what it means. I suggest you say you start paying the flat rent, you won’t be making the next months payment/you’ve cancelled it and he should know it’s due on the 6th. I’ve been keeping a roof over your and your children’s heads for years, but you don’t seem to have realised.

it sucks to be taken for granted

Pansypotter123 · 13/04/2023 23:48

My first divorce settlement after 15 years of marriage, according to lawyers I was due 50% of our wealth. But I settled for 20% because most of it was my ex's and I only took we made together. DH knows this too.

Please don't let history repeat itself. You're obviously an intelligent woman - please get done sound financial and legal advice.

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 23:49

OP
I understand you, when we divorced I insisted that we got back what we put in each, I had to sign several caveat type papers at the solicitors who were hounding me to get me more.

However - in this case he's really had you for a mug. He'll always see you as subordinate to the kids, and to him you're just a tool for him to provide for them.

If you really believe that the business will make money bide your time, let it make money for at least a few years (and you be married over 10 years), then divorce.

In the meantime stop paying for any of them.

Original poster

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 23:51

I haven't told him yet. This was mentioned recently and has been whirling in my head, and today alone at home, full blown anger.

Angry at being taken for a laugh.

I am not here asking whether I should have done the things I did or he should have done the things he didn't. That's done. His business is what it is. It may or not take off.

I am here asking if I am wrong to angry about his sentiment. You are supposed to be 50/50 as husband and wife. And he treats me differently? Why, what is a good reason to be OK with that?

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 13/04/2023 23:52

Well, I'm glad I made you laugh, OP, and that you've got a sense of humour. Looks like you're going to need it.
And as an aside, your husband could still give you a share of his share in the business, it doesn't have to affect his co-founder's share. He'd still own the same percentage he does now.
I'd talk to your DH about doing that now, rather than waiting till it starts turning a profit.
If nothing else, i hope you've kept records of everything you've contributed over last 5 years just in case it does end in divorce. It could get nasty.

Sittwritt · 13/04/2023 23:59

Pansypotter123 · 13/04/2023 23:48

Please don't let history repeat itself. You're obviously an intelligent woman - please get done sound financial and legal advice.

Why do you play nice all the time, trying to please and appease, and buy peoples goodwill. You are deserving of goodwill too, not just giving and being sorry stupidly kind, because it comes back to haunt you.

You have to grow up and get done boundaries in place. It’s ok for people to think you’re an arsehole. Heck they seem to think it even when you have been nice so what have you hit to lose? Start being your authentic self and enough of this people pleasing nonsense. You’ve got to please yourself first because no one will thank you and no one will appreciate it.

Your partner is an incompetent fat duckling waiting for his mummy to feed him some juicy worms. I’d tell him to get off his perch and shift it.

Btw the will promising no actual money or anything is crap, but it’s the emotional connotation that’s a killer. Since you have been putting out so much. Yet for the kids it’s an emotional win it shows that their dad loves them even after moving onto another marriage.

So a piece of advice is when you give, don’t expect anything. So be careful about his much you give.

Sittwritt · 14/04/2023 00:01

Ps are you sure he’s not the Tider Swindler? Extorting money like that got this and that. Totally suss.

SeasonFinale · 14/04/2023 00:06

Write him an invoice for the amount spent on his mortgage and his kids' accommodation at uni and ask him to refund you. Then divorce him.

Sittwritt · 14/04/2023 00:13

@SeasonFinale that’s a plan.

Original poster

GummyBear7 · 14/04/2023 00:13

@Dontbelieveaword Right, good idea to sum my contributions, something to focus on and take mind off stewing.

@Sittwritt I thought I was doing what most people who can would do for their spouses and families. I believed in what he was doing, especially as I know the people he is in business with who are serial entrepreneurs, cofounder and advisors. I earned enough to pay for us and the kids while he did followed his dream so I did it. I was indeed expecting early retirement and for him to eventually pay for our life. I am at a point on the Autistic spectrum if that helps anyone understand. ...I can't explain the why it just is.

It is the sentiment of what he said that has been a kick in the teeth.
I expect marriage to be 50/50 so this was a Chuck Norris roundhouse in my face.

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 14/04/2023 00:14

Quote: "Am I out of whack with my principle? Do you think it's because he cannot be certain I won't give most of it to his children. But you do see the point that, principle aside, under English Law I will get 50% in a divorce?"

You wouldn't get 50% of his assets in a divorce because it's 50% of all marital assets and your own assets would come into it including any pension. If you are wealthier divorce could see money flow from you to him.

Following on from the point made by @SeasonFinale adding up what you have paid for his ex's home and the kids university would be interesting to show him. Will the house payments stop now the kids are all adults?

Winter2020 · 14/04/2023 00:16

Just to add if you purchase property in the future as "Joint tenants" it would go straight to each other in the event of one of your deaths and not be a part of the will.

JudgeRudy · 14/04/2023 00:16

"I am now so angry that I am thinking about divorcing him when the time is right to get 50% just to prove a point.".... You'd break up your marriage to prove a point? Would you really?

I think there more to this even if you haven't realised it yourself. How do you truly feel about your husband?

Sittwritt · 14/04/2023 00:22

Sorry did you just say that you are on the spectrum? WTF in that case he’s really been exploiting you…

OP some serious sense here. You don’t need to buy anyone anything for them to love you.

Autistic spectrum disorder can leave you feeling at a loss to understand other peoples emotions and intentions. It’s also possible ASD people buy actual gifts to prove loyalty or show appreciation as they struggle to do it in real life situations in an emotional level.

Who buys you gifts OP? Pays yr rent. Pays yr bills and allows you to pursue your dreams? No one? Exactly. Just don’t do it based on that principle. It’s simple.

Tomorrowisagesaway · 14/04/2023 00:22

You ask who you'd leave your money to if not your step-kids - as others have said why not your brothers kids? Or a charity you support.

Why leave anything to your step-kids at all - they'll inherit from their parents. You've provided them with uni accommodation and a family home in London for a number of years, which is a lot, especially as you don't even own your own home.

I think you need to get your housing sorted - are you wary of buying now as it could be another way you end up transferring money to your husband? Are you worried that you would end up having to pay a mortgage for a house you don't live in again?

As others have said, 5 years for a business to not make any money is quite a stretch - and he's not able to take any income out of the business, but he doesn't need any money as you keep him and previously kept his kids and ex-wife.

I think you should get legal advice on protecting your assets should his business fail, or be found to have never really had any potential of success, or even really existed. You should do it now, while he still has the 20% equity from the family house, before it's absorbed into the business.

Re your question of how he splits his 'estate', I think thirds is reasonable - you say you're a high earner, so you'll have a decent pension so don't really need it. Though as others have said a third of nothing is the same as half of nothing, so at the moment it's a bit academic.

illiterato · 14/04/2023 00:39

My father left 50% to my mother and 50% for me and my brother. This is what I know from every marriage around me

I’m not sure where you’re getting this from. In the U.K. this would be relatively unusual as normally the assets are such that the surviving spouse gets the lions share ( because they need them to live on) and then they would give what’s left to the kids when they die. Even if the person was so wealthy that there were surplus assets, such a split wouldn’t be great from an inheritance tax point of view as transfers to a spouse generate nil IHT.

I actually think his will is quite fair ( he is right to not want to rely on you passing money on to his children- often this ends up with the children getting disinherited) but you shouldn’t include his children in your will. If he dies first you may lose contact with them. You may remarry. I would mirror his will for now so he gets a third and then leave the rest to your nephews/ charities etc.

if you put anymore money into the business do it as a loan so that it’s documented and repayable.

Felicity42 · 14/04/2023 00:53

"His business is what it is. It may or not take off."

How exactly would he have paid for his house and the kids Uni accommodation if you weren't around?
Very lucky he found a rich woman, so he could play roulette with start ups, rather than get a salaried job to fund his kids home and their education.

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 00:56

GummyBear7 · 13/04/2023 23:22

@Lizzt2007 nope, I pay the rent for our flat. His ex and children lived in the former home for which I paid mortgage until the kids finished uni. The house was sold late last year, he got 20% of the equity (don't ask, that was their settlement agreement).
We rent in the area we want to eventually buy in but he did not have a deposit at the time - all spent or earmarked for the business or tied up in the house - so we decided to wait a couple of years to accumulate a better deposit. Then covid came and a set back to the business, but we kept at it and almost there now.

Ok so that does put a slightly better spin on things. I don't think you've been taken for a mug op, I think he's done it with the best of intentions but a bit thoughtlessly. If you've been together 6 years ish and kids were still at uni then there relatively young still, so i can see why he'd want them to have a third, especially as a third of what he has now is very little. You being a high earner and more established are financially more secure. That doesn't mean you don't deserve it, but I can understand the thought process. I'm Assuming he's contributing towards the deposit for the house you buy , on his death the house will go to you as spouse. Any joint accounts will be split and only his half will be distributed through his will. Does he have life insurance? If so does that have you as beneficiary? As again that wouldn't count as part of his estate and may also have figured into his planning. You need to talk to him op. Explain why you were blindsided and ask for his reasoning. Only then can you decide whether you think it's valid or not. Take a deep breath. Wills can and do get changed. What he and you feel is appropriate now may not be appropriate in 5 years time. You think the business will take off, and him supporting you to retire early is the payback for your support now, which it appears is how you see it too. Really hope you manage to sort it out op x

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