Honest opinion on my relationship wants and mens reactions.

[prettyteacup]

I have a private on line dating profile in that I have no photos up but explain that this is because of the Beattie of my job.
I work in family law/ safe guarding and there are some men who are involved in these cases , on line and I don't want them making the connection.
I am upfront in that I'm happy to share photos etc once we've matched and that's what I do.

I've matched with loads of men.
The problem is that the majority are married or single
Looking for sex solely.

I have written that I would like a long term
Committed relationship but that it would need to be relatively casual as I am
Time poor .

The problem is that when I express what I want , which is meeting weekly for dinner/ cinema: drinks/ hotel / walks , I get met with more requests for sex.
I want a real relationship where we are each other's special person.
Committed, supportive , friendship and sex too but I have explained that I will never blend and and never have a man live in my home while my children are there .. another six years. I've explained that I want this pocket of joy just for me but it still attracts sleazes or men saying that if they said that , they'd be accused of being creeps and get shitty with me.

Where am I going wrong ?

Not a CHANCE I would swipe right without a single photo. Not. A. Chance

The problem is that when I express what I want , which is meeting weekly for dinner/ cinema: drinks/ hotel / walks ,
Before you have even met them?

seems rather intense

just meet for a coffee and a chat

With no photos you’re just attracting desperate men who’ll fuck anything regardless of what it looks like, and men who assume you’re married and don’t care. Men who are actually looking for a relationship and a partner, also recognise that sexual attraction is an important aspect and want to know what you look like. They aren’t going to waste time waiting for you to send photos when there are hundreds of other women who have photos on their profiles.

Ok thanks.
I won't be posting photos though. I really feel that I can't at the moment.
I am not intense but when asked what I'm looking for via message, I tell them
Straight up

Also, what you are describing - weekly dates ("relatively casual") sounds like friends with benefits, to be honest.

I totally get where you are coming from. I have two teen DCs and I don't want a blended family either but I do want commitment but I would leave that conversation to naturally evolve. Otherwise, you will attract the men who just want sex.

I don’t think online dating is for you then OP 🤷‍♀️

I think you’ll have more luck meeting men in real life / through hobbies etc if you a) aren’t going to put photos on your profile and b) have relationship wants which are a bit different to what many people are looking for.

Thanks.
It probably does sound like a FWB but I genuinely do want to have a loving committed partner in my life but I can only afford a day per week realistically to see him and he won't be darkening my door while my kids are there.

I will have all the free time in the world in about 5-6 years but for now I'd love that companionship and love in my
Life . I feel very lonely in the evenings and weekends especially

A loving, committed partner may want more than 1/7th of your time though.

I think if you use the word ‘casual’ at all, the assumption is sex

The thing is OP, turn it around and imagine yourself in a different position without DC and with plenty of free time, considering yourself a decent catch with a good job, reasonably successful, solvent, intelligent, funny (all qualities I assume are important to you?) and looking for “someone special”, would you be interested in a man who could only offer you a date a week and told you there was no prospect of anything more for at least the next six years? I doubt it: you’d want a man who could offer you a proper relationship. And that’s why you’re attracting the dross who just want sex rather than decent men wanting to build a life with a partner.

There’s an offside chance you might match on OLD with a man in exactly the same position as you are who also only wants to spend an evening a week with you for the next six years; but it’s pretty unlikely, and even more unlikely when you’re a faceless profile which, to be blunt, will make a lot of men assume you’re unattractive.

I’d look to meet men in real life, perhaps in more similar positions to yourself.

Maybe I need to change my wording ?

Can you not do a photo but with your eyes covered? No profile pic is classic for an affair or scam, so no sensible man will respond. Whereas if you at least show willing with a genuine photo, they can look for something to like....

Thanks for the detailed responses. I appreciate them.

I've matched with a separated man who lives away from his kids all week and they spend every weekend with him. That would suit me as we could meet once or twice a week in the evening .

Weekends can be lonely but only because I have t moved my arse and got out because I'm around for the kids . That's my own fault .

I'd assume anyone without a photo is also using a fake name and is just looking for a quick shag outside of their marriage, so you're only likely to get responses from people who are also looking for that.

If you can't put a photo up, online dating probably isn't for you.

Duh, Teacup; if dating group guys wanted dinner drinks a walk and commitment, they'd just stay home with their wife and dog.

It really is the grottiest platform I've ever encountered.
Majority are just vile

Yes definitely remove the word casual. You're not looking for casual, you're looking for a relationship. As your children are still young you still spend a chunk of time with them and a prospective partner would need to be ok with that.

I agree you need some photos. Even if you blur your face or put a black bar across your eyes and then share the full photo when you have exchanged a few messages.

Also, do you have any time away from your kids apart from work? Any hobbies or other social activities?

I work full time and kids are with me full time so limited time but I use that time to walk and meet family and friends

The profile issue is easy to resolve - by either blurring your face, or simply cutting it out. I think that would look less suspicious than having not pictures.
At least there will be a general outline of what you look like - real person, body type, etc - dating is a visual game.

But the main issue is not ‘the wording’ - but more the fact that you want something that isn’t realistic or even possible.

Thing is - when you say you want a serious, committed and long term sort of relationship - it means you need to actually open up and connect to the other person. And your kids are a huge part of your life - so you can’t really be with someone in a serious relationship if there is from get go an Iron Curtain.
What happens when kids grow up and leave - and you planning to keep them in some sort of apartheid situation - never to meet or mix?

It’s of course understandable and natural that you prioritise your kids. But - the way you describe you want it - completely closes down any opportunity for you to actually build a normal and natural connection to another individual.
And - I actually doubt that your kids want it for you. I am sure - they want you not to be lonely and sacrifice your life for them.

Also - if they aren’t quite teenagers yet - very soon (and years before they move out) - they will become teens and will want to be more with their friends than with you. And, more importantly - will understand the concept of dating. Or else - will become quite spoilt thinking they are the center of the world for you - and expect that from their future partners.

I think there is some middle ground between your quite rigid idea of what is possible for you in the next several years.
There is a way to date and build a relationship, and taking it very slowly - without closing the door on actually getting closer with a new partner - but without full on blending (as in moving in together).

I think I'm in the relationship you describe! I joined bumble and just went out with one guy for some food. 9 months later - we see each other 4 times a month (due to my child care arrangements) and is working so far. I didn't really specify what I was looking for as I wasn't sure tbh.

I can’t really blame them for their reactions because how your profile is set up currently (and I understand why it is) encourages those reactions.

I think you’re looking for a needle in haystack with you’re requirements.

I am pretty rigid I suppose.
I am conscious that my kids have been through hell with their dad and I don't want them to go through any unnecessary stress .

I do think the type of men who are genuinely looking for a serious relationship will want more than one day a week for you unfortunately. Combined with no profile pic, this is a reason you're not getting interaction from the right type of man. I understand why you don't want to put your pictures up but online dating is based on being visual so most decent men won't match or messages without a pic.

I met my husband online so I do understand and agree with you about being open and upfront about what you want from the start.