Honest opinion on my relationship wants and mens reactions.

[prettyteacup]

I have a private on line dating profile in that I have no photos up but explain that this is because of the Beattie of my job.
I work in family law/ safe guarding and there are some men who are involved in these cases , on line and I don't want them making the connection.
I am upfront in that I'm happy to share photos etc once we've matched and that's what I do.

I've matched with loads of men.
The problem is that the majority are married or single
Looking for sex solely.

I have written that I would like a long term
Committed relationship but that it would need to be relatively casual as I am
Time poor .

The problem is that when I express what I want , which is meeting weekly for dinner/ cinema: drinks/ hotel / walks , I get met with more requests for sex.
I want a real relationship where we are each other's special person.
Committed, supportive , friendship and sex too but I have explained that I will never blend and and never have a man live in my home while my children are there .. another six years. I've explained that I want this pocket of joy just for me but it still attracts sleazes or men saying that if they said that , they'd be accused of being creeps and get shitty with me.

Where am I going wrong ?

I do see where you're coming from, my mindset was a bit like this.

I do think though that you maybe need to loosen up the profile a bit to see if you can get chatting to some of the nicer men on there - you're not committed at this stage so just see who comes along and maybe you'll find someone in a similar boat to you.

In terms of the rigidity of your requirements, keep an open mind on this. As PP have said, flip this around, would you pursue someone with a rigid list of what THEY want? It's a relationship you're after and that involves compromise on both sides. I understand your reasons, but also to echo PP, your kids are part of who you are and how you live your life - you'll be locking this potential partner out of the vast majority of this part of you, it's a lot to ask someone to get on board with. Unless they're in the same boat, it's unlikely they'll risk their own needs and wants for this. It is of course right to have your boundaries, I guess what I'm trying to say is that someone entering your life can really challenge what you thought you wanted, because they bring themselves, their list of wants and what they give you (security, affection, intimacy etc - it's all unique to them and your partnership).

I thought I wanted to keep my kids out of it, but I see now that my bf meeting my kids was important for all of us. We did it very gradually and carefully at the right time for us, and they have been really encouraging and supportive because they actually want me to be happy.

You could try FWB, but it's tricky to find the right dynamic there too. And can be quite unfulfilling if what you have is an emotional need as well as a physical need. But if you're able to not get attached and want some great sex, then go for it. I did and it was a fun part of my journey!

OP what you’re looking for is out there, I’ve been lucky enough to find it. The lack of photos might be a bit of an issue do consider blurring your face as suggested previously.
you don’t sound rigid to me. You know what you want and are open about it. The right man will appreciate it!

You don't want a serious move in together type of relationship for at least 6 years. A committed relationship but casual because you don't have much spare time. Sounds dead in the water before you even start. Complete waste of time. That's why you're getting nowhere.

Not everyone wants to have a live in partner @Viviennemary and it goes for both sexes, for a variety of reasons.

I agree with @Dotcheck if you say casual this is basically code for sex only! I can see why these men are responding to your profile with that wording, definitely think you need to remove the word casual.

I never post my photo on dating websites, not for professional reasons I’m just very shy. I still get messages, I’ve had a couple of relationships from OLD. Mostly I’ve had little success tbh but I’m not sure that posting a photo would bring me loads of success, my looks are average but I’m looking for a connection. I can’t imagine that I will ever feel comfortable enough to put my photo online, I’m not on Facebook, instagram or anything. I never send messages to men without photos because I just assume they are married, hypocritical maybe but men and women think and act differently in my experience.

I can’t speak to the scheduling aspect but I do have a friend who works in a particular section of the community and for similar reasons to you she didn’t have photos for online dating. In fact her entire online presence is extremely minimal — nothing searchable etc.

It is hard — she came off OLD entirely in the end because not being able to swap pics felt like a fundamental aspect of the platform that she couldn’t/didn’t want to engage in. She joined real-life groups instead, and met her current partner at a running club.

It might be worth switching up how you put yourself out there; people might be more willing to go with your particular flow once they meet you in person, rather than reading a list of limitations/requirements online which might come across like a bit of a tick-list.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting boundaries around what a new relationship might look like for you, but I do think OLD might not be putting yourself in the best position for success. Or at least, not having it as your only potential route.

Saying you want to ‘meet weekly’ suggests to me you want a friend with benefits. You can’t specify what the specifics of a long term relationship would be like this.

also the photos would automatically be a no. I’d even have a go at putting a stock photo up of someone that looks like you!

Sorry, to add, no photo to me means married and looking for sex. Hence what you’re attracting back

With your requirements, you're only going to attract men looking for something casual. You're not going to get men looking to meet someone, see how it goes and ddvelop a relationship over time.

You're expecting too much of online dating. People only see the snapshot you're presenting. It looks like you're coupled up already (no photo) and don't actually want someone involved in your life aside from the one day a week for the next 6 years.

Given your profession and need to retain a modicum of privacy, you would be better off using a matchmaker

I think two houses until your kids have left is reasonable, and many people agree that this is easier for all. But the way you describe it "once a week... Pockets of joy" sounds very rigid.

Can they come round yours? Stay over? Would you not want to eventually introduce them to your kids and family? If you or they were ill or going through a hard time, would you be able to support each other practically, more frequently than one a week? Would you go on any holidays together?

If it's no to all those things, it doesn't sound like a loving committed relationship to me, it sounds like you are walling them off from your life, and looking for a friend with benefits. Which is fine too, but better to clear in your own mind.

Can you not see how this isn't appealing to someone that also wants a committed relationship? It's fair enough if that's what you want but you do need to accept that most people seeking committed relationships will want to see their partner more than once a week and will probably want to move in with them sooner than 6 years from now. You need to be realistic about that.

I don't think the photos thing will be helping, either.

Maybe try looking on an old-fashioned local website that has a lonely hearts board or friend-finding section - it's less weird if you don't use a photo there.
Write a post saying that you're looking for a man to go to the theatre/cinema/dancing/hiking with once a week.

Are you sure you couldn't spare the odd weekend or extra evening in the week? I've been with my 2-day-a-week live-out partner for 6 years but the more time you have, the more likely you are to find someone who has the same time free...

Going for a weekly walk or trip to the cinema with a woman you don't even know is attractive to you, isnt the most tempting offer in the world OP. You're cancelling out all those who want a relationship for a start, which pretty much leaves the chances and players. References to 'weekly pockets of joy just for you' also scream casual sex. I think it will take a long time in a tough market to find something so niche.

I'd also like the kind of relationship the OP is after, a FWB where someone is actually interested in the friends part of the equation.
A boyfriend really.
I'm not trying OLD because I just feel it will be impossible to get across so I'll just carry on as I am for now!

You're advertising for an unpaid escort.

I once saw a picture of a man that was taken from a slight distance and he had sunglasses on. He wasn't recognisable but you could still clearly see that he had a normal figure and probably ok face.

Thanks everyone.
I'm
Going to read all the replies when I get to sit down!

As a man I have a view here.

Slow the hell down! Walks, cinema, dinner, hotels? WAY too fast as a starting point. Guys (and I know many) will run a mile at reading that. Play it VERY COOL. Not aloof or hard to get, just be casual and relaxed.

Few guys want a woman who has a list of demands from the get-go. You will come off high maintenance and for the most part men don't need that aggravation. If you are speaking to men slightly older you are probably speaking to men who have had bad experiences in the past and/or aren't mature enough or committed enough to engage in anything meaningful.

If you do find the mature, considerate and (cool) guys that is good. But online dating/apps are FULL of men that want a quick f*. That isn't MY style but I am happily married so I wouldn't be on there!

In terms of the wording - casual is an instant "I want sex" for guys. Sorry but it is. Casual is only ever used by men to indicate a f* buddy. If they do understand the phrase as you mean, they may take it as "not got the time for me, its all about work and the kids" and think "no thanks".

In short, the more you expect and/or have ideals the smaller the pool of prospective guys will be. The following will immediately reduce the pool massively:

1. Having children - if you were on Take Me Out you would probably lose half the lights on that first round
2. Having a demanding job - its fine if both of you are work focused, though I want someone who isn't wed to their job. I need to be at least in the top three priorities
3. No face picture - I get why, and at the same time men are very visual
4. Rocky past with ex - for me this is a HUGE red flag if I were to date in the future. It is WAY too much hassle to date someone who has had a turbulent relationship with an ex partner/husband/wife.

Your children are the loves of your life and that is completely fair and normal. AND they aren't going to be there when you are 85, stale, wrinkled and lonely in the evening whilst they are out or with their own partners/children. You can have both (kids and partner) but for me I'd need to see a fair commitment to have me at least 30-40% of your priority.

@prettyteacup "I've explained that I want this pocket of joy just for me but it still attracts sleazes or men saying that if they said that , they'd be accused of being creeps and get shitty with me.

Where am I going wrong ?"

You answered your question in the first few lines.

You want a pocket of joy for you? Firstly that SCREAMS sex. I know you don't mean it as that but that is exactly how it sounds. You WILL get creeps with that.

Also "just for me" - er what about their needs and wants? Sounds a bit selfish to me. Why should they invest their time and effort into you when its about what you want/need? Is this a common complaint from ex's? Just curious

You want too much when you offer too little!

What you are asking for is causal sex and that’s why you’re getting people who want casual sex. I don’t blame you one bit as I won’t let anyone live with my kids either and there’s 3yrs until my youngest leaves. Especially so when I found out today her father is moving in woman and her 15yr old son into my daughters home (we have shared custody of her but her main base is at her dads as until last month I lived there with kids whilst he lived and worked overseas). They’ve met these people a handful of times and he thinks it’s ok to have a 15yr old boy living with his 15yr old daughter when they don’t even know each other (and DD very vulnerable with mental health issues / cutting and extremely shy). Sorry went into a rant there but no don’t let anyone live with your kids

Right. Thanks everyone ... I'm
Off to change my profile !!!!
Talk about misrepresenting myself 🙈

No photo, one night per week maximum, for six years and he won't be darkening my door while my kids are there and you are asking why men are not beating a path to your door. 😂