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Original poster

I need you help being a detective to save my sanity

84 replies

Stillwearingskinnys · 13/04/2023 14:54

Hi all,

I would really really appreciate your advice if you can help.

I have recently found out my long term partner has debt I was not aware of. It is not the first time this has happened.

I am really worried there are more lies and I would like to do some digging but unsure how to go around it.

Things that make me uneasy:

He has his phone on his 24/7
Uses PayPal - not sure if this matters
Takes hundreds out in cash with not much of an explanation as to why
Moves money from one current account to the other, then back again in the same day
stays up at bedtime until 1am every night, weekends about 3.30
Just found out he takes days off work, parks up in a lay-by for 10 hours a day sleeping and watching Netflix

I think if I knew what I was looking for on his phone I would find something. It’s like my gut instinct is telling me there is. He of course is apologetic and swears I know everything…

Please help!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 16:29

You already know far more than you need to. You are grasping at straws. Why are you doing this to yourself? Get rid of this absolute loser.

Oblomov23 · 13/04/2023 16:32

You don't need any detective skills at all. you don't need to look at his phone.

You simply sit him down and tell him you want to know everything. for him to show you everything. every credit card, every loan that he owes, all his transactions, every document and totally all up, so you know exactly how much it is. Start an excel document.

and for him to be totally upfront. or else it ends, now.

Bananalanacake · 13/04/2023 16:34

The parking in a layby for 10 hours and watching netflix suggests he has lost his job and doesn't want to tell you.

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 13/04/2023 16:35

Oblomov23 · 13/04/2023 16:32

You don't need any detective skills at all. you don't need to look at his phone.

You simply sit him down and tell him you want to know everything. for him to show you everything. every credit card, every loan that he owes, all his transactions, every document and totally all up, so you know exactly how much it is. Start an excel document.

and for him to be totally upfront. or else it ends, now.

Oh come on! Are you that naive?

He’s already lying through his teeth to the op - why would he suddenly start being truthful and giving her all the info she wants - he’ll lie and minimise everything.

Dont confront him op - do some snooping - and be aware of the fact that if he’s up to no good and has half a brain cell he may well have a 2nd phone you don’t know about. Search his boot!

illbeinthegarden · 13/04/2023 16:36

There is some pretty grim stuff available on oculus I think... VR chat is the reason I removed my teens headset!

WalkingThroughTreacle · 13/04/2023 16:39

You mentioned XRP which is a cryptocurrency. That and the money he's spent / debt racked up suggests he's fallen down the crypto rabbit hole. It also indicates he has a gambler's mindset so maybe he's playing online poker or slots when he's sitting in the layby as that's not really something you can do surreptitiously with a suspicious partner floating around.

User838960 · 13/04/2023 16:50

Sounds a lot like my ex. My suspicion is gambling. The debt and the paypal - as someone else has already said, they use that so it doesn't appear on their bank statement. I also think it's easy for them to draw down off a credit card into a paypal account and apply to a gambling account (I don't think you can gamble on credit?). He is moving money around probably doing various balance transfers to interest free accounts etc.

He is probably completely depressed about being skint which would explain the parking up and not being able to face work. Literally my ex would do this. Lose loads of money and lie in bed in the dark and miss work the next day. Probably riddled with anxiety about a big loss. He needs to go Gamstop if you're in the UK. Even if he self excludes from one app he will just download another app.

Dad234 · 13/04/2023 16:50

Go into text messages, hit edit, then recently deleted. Won’t work if he has deleted his deleted messages so depends how IT savvy he is.

Not sure whether it’s possible in WhatsApp. Think it may be able to be done by restoring a back-up but doubtful you’d be able to do it without him knowing unless you had access to his phone for a good while and could restore a back-up then re-restore back to the current position.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 17:02

Stillwearingskinnys · 13/04/2023 15:03

It’s definitely not drugs, I would know.

My guess is gambling (he invests in xrp, sure it’s coming in any day), but I can see those transactions. Or something seedy online, nothing in his history though.

Could he have 2 emails accounts? How could I find out? Or hidden files on his phone, nothing that I can see

Why do you need to know if he's got 2 emails or snoop further into things? He's has a history of irresponsible behaviour and lieing. I suspect drugs ARE involved too, particularly as he's making cash withdrawals. What do you think he's doing in laybys?
You seem confident he's not taking drugs. I'd guess he's a coke head. He's taking days off work because he's on a come down. Coke is like a payday loan. Loads of energy then you crash. That's why he's napping in his car, because he's knackered but too sneaky/cowardly to tell you so he can use his own bed. Look forward to him loosing his licence, his job and his(your) home if he continues down this path.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 17:03

Bananalanacake · 13/04/2023 16:34

The parking in a layby for 10 hours and watching netflix suggests he has lost his job and doesn't want to tell you.

Or on a come down and knackered

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 13/04/2023 17:40

Meta Platform Technology on PayPal statement will refer to spending on Meta's companies.

Facebook, Whatsapp, Instagram. Someone is selling him something via these. Unfortunately what it is could be anything, legit or otherwise.

Sorry this does narrow it down.

I wouldn't be bothered investing if I were you. I just wouldn't put up with someone who hides things from me.

Frogger8395 · 13/04/2023 17:43

I wouldn’t bother op. Instead of pouring your time and energy into playing detective you should put your energy into getting out of this relationship.

Does it matter what he’s doing? He’s a liar. That’s all you need to know.

Thatladdo · 13/04/2023 17:48

A couple of important things to do here :

  1. Run a credit check on yourself through experian and check there is nothing unusual in you own credit file and history - hopefully this checks out ok.

  2. Step back, look at this situation. You want to track, spy and monitor your significant other. Take a little time to realise this is insane and as painful as it going to be do what you know HAS to be done. No trust - No relationship.

Greenfree · 13/04/2023 17:49

Does he have an Apple phone or a different make? If you go on to Google and type 'how to check deleted messages on x type of phone' it will give you a guide on how to do it. Also did you notice of he has any apps called KIK or Telegram? If he has a non apple phone then the next time you use it load up Google maps and check his location history. Getting an air tag or other type of tracking device is a good idea and will come with instructions on how to use it. You could also look at spyware apps that you could download onto his phone but I'm not sure I would trust these. Other option if you can afford it is to hire a private investigator

Iwasafool · 13/04/2023 17:51

Secret debt is a problem.
He has his phone on his 24/7 - don't most people?
Uses PayPal - not sure if this matters - depends what he's using it for, I use it sometimes for paying for stuff at some online shops, I think M&S and SportsDirect.
Takes hundreds out in cash with not much of an explanation as to why - some people prefer cash but it depends how much we are talking about.
Moves money from one current account to the other, then back again in the same day - I do that as I have two accounts, one is my main account and one is for swapping for signing up bonuses, I've changed banks 3 times and made about £500 but the account I have now I have to pay a certain amount of money in every month or there is a charge so I put money in and then transfer it back to main account. When I see a decent offer I will swap again.
stays up at bedtime until 1am every night, weekends about 3.30 - do you know what he's doing, if he's watching netflix I wouldn't worry, if he's being secretive with his phone or computer I'd be wondering what's going on.
Just found out he takes days off work, parks up in a lay-by for 10 hours a day sleeping - that seems weird.

So some stuff wouldn't worry me at all and some would make me wonder what's going on.

Shadesofscarlett · 13/04/2023 17:51

the only question which you need to ask is why is your bar set so low that you will tolerate this?

AgrathaChristie · 13/04/2023 18:47

WalkingThroughTreacle · 13/04/2023 16:39

You mentioned XRP which is a cryptocurrency. That and the money he's spent / debt racked up suggests he's fallen down the crypto rabbit hole. It also indicates he has a gambler's mindset so maybe he's playing online poker or slots when he's sitting in the layby as that's not really something you can do surreptitiously with a suspicious partner floating around.

This.
Also https://www.metatechplatforms.com/. Is he trying to get some money back or chucking more into the hole?
Are you sure he still has his job?

Meta Technology

https://www.metatechplatforms.com/

Izzy54321 · 13/04/2023 19:09

Plenty of basic spy stuff on Amazon. But I would say you know he is not telling you the truth. Easiest and cheapest first check his credit score. But I would also be checking your own. Anyone can have as many email addresses as they like unless you get a hold of his phone and check his passwords and his history they’re not much chance of finding them. Follow your gut and get your ducks in a row.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/04/2023 21:44

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Hellno45 · 13/04/2023 21:48

I would guess he is gambling online. That's my guess. Missing money, attached to his phone on till the early hours. I'm guessing poker possibility.

Morewineplease10 · 13/04/2023 22:05

Drugs, gambling and/or sex workers.
They aren't legal but there's spyware/trackers if you want to catch him out.
Or record inside his car - there was a thread about this earlier?

Yes, you'll get people saying to just bin, but really, with kids, it'd helpful to KNOW. Also he's absolutely never going to admit to anything.

JimmyDurham · 14/04/2023 23:46

Not sure about coke or gambling. My bet is he's trying to make money "day trading" or playing the crypto currency market. Either way OP don't bother digging, just get rid of him. What on earth does he bring to your life?

elm26 · 15/04/2023 00:13

Drugs or gambling.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 15/04/2023 00:24

Right it's not that difficult. 1 minute Google search

His money is going on the game Occulus via Meta Platform Technologies which is Facebook.

How much is he spending on gaming? I don't know much about Occulus (can't spell it) but it's virtual reality by the looks of it.

Is he addicted to it? I mean my first thought was gambling.

How much is he spending/throwing money at this stuff?

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 15/04/2023 00:26

https://www.oculus.com/experiences/quest/?locale=en_GB

This is where he's definitely spending some. How much though?

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