I need you help being a detective to save my sanity

[Stillwearingskinnys]

Hi all,

I would really really appreciate your advice if you can help.

I have recently found out my long term partner has debt I was not aware of. It is not the first time this has happened.

I am really worried there are more lies and I would like to do some digging but unsure how to go around it.

Things that make me uneasy:

He has his phone on his 24/7
Uses PayPal - not sure if this matters
Takes hundreds out in cash with not much of an explanation as to why
Moves money from one current account to the other, then back again in the same day
stays up at bedtime until 1am every night, weekends about 3.30
Just found out he takes days off work, parks up in a lay-by for 10 hours a day sleeping and watching Netflix

I think if I knew what I was looking for on his phone I would find something. It’s like my gut instinct is telling me there is. He of course is apologetic and swears I know everything…

Please help!

I would love to but have no idea how

It's drugs, gambling or prostitutes. Or any combo of the 3. It always is.

Sorry OP but I'd be looking for a way out of this relationship before he pulls you down with him.

How can I find out though, that’s what I really want to do

This forum has excellent advise and I am sure someone will be along soon with some suggestions

I am not sure if he has, but if he has a tracker on his car can I find out where he has been? And how

I’d check your own credit to make sure he‘a not causing you any other issues there.

Track him - you can buy them relatively cheaply on Amazon or buy a cheap phone and do the “find my phone” setting on it and your phone - hide it under the backseat/boot. Someone much more knowledgeable than me will print give better advice.

There’s a thread running atm “heard dh having sex with ow” where the op put a voice recorder in his car - he was having sex with his bit on the side in the car! She’s filing for divorce now.

Obviously it may not be that he’s cheating but from what you’ve said that’s my first guess.

Jesus, maybe he does park in the lay-by but he isn’t alone

Well you could air tag the car (assuming you have iPhone), but if he has the app on his phone he could spot that. Also, it’s pretty shitty secretly tracking your partner and if you’ve reached that stage the relationship and the trust is probably dead in the water anyway.

How do I do that? Idiots guide please!

Google trackers op - there are loads of different types. You can buy an apple airtag for about £30 they are only the size of a coin so easily hidden and link to your phone. But there are loads out there, do some research to find a reliable one.

I think gambling

Learned from the thread mentioned by @Itakecreaminmycoffee that the best thing to do is get a cheap phone and put it on silent and auto pick up, hide it in his car. Then you can locate and call your phone and hear what the duck is going on. Nothing illegal in calling your own phone.

But the most important thing to find out is wether he has taken credit either loans or cards, under your name.

Good luck OP.

It sounds as if he may be involved in some kind of financial secrecy/ cover up to hide where he's sending or recieving money to or from ((gambling, drugs, money laundering, porn )

Paypal is a security wall, so the pay recipient gains no information or details identifying the payer's bank accounts, credit cards etc. I use it , but not for criminal purposes.

In your shoes I'd make very sure all your money, accounts etc are secure and watertight, then distance yourself as far and fast as possible.

You said you can’t stand liars.

He’s lying to you, so nothing else matters. It’s either a hard line for you, or it isn’t.

Tracking him without his knowledge is abusive in my opinion. Notwithstanding that he sounds like a shit husband.

Just break up with him - how will it help you to know exactly where he goes?

(I understand the temptation to know - of course I do. But there are limits....)

Check your credit rating somewhere like credit karma to check there's nothing amiss
Do you know for sure he parks up in a lay-by( mileage on car maybe)

Seriously. Why waste time, money and emotional investment on this guy? You don’t need validation to dump him. Just get rid.

The only thing I would do here is separate your finances and, as a PP suggested, run a credit check.

Then dump his sorry ass. He isn’t going to change.

I understand why everyone is saying LTB, but… I still need to know

He has loads going out to Meta Platforms Technology on PayPal. It’s says oculus, but no way he would spend hundreds on that for the kids in a week!!

Look in recently deleted text messages.

Look in archived whatsapps.

Look at screenshots in photos.

Look in deleted items in emails.

If you could see recently deleted photos that might reveal something but I think that might need Face ID.

He’s told you that he spends hours in a lay-by watching Netflix?

Ive no idea how any of it ties into a coke habit, to be honest. Why would he be moving money between accounts?? It sounds a lot more like gambling.

In which case, has he been spending hours watching VR porn and paying for it?

How do you check deleted messages? Oh how I wish I could do that!

I understand why you'd want to know what exactly he's up to, why not? What's abusive is to lie and spend family money on...what?
Look after your finances and your credit OP.