Husband leaving me, mental health concerns

[Violet99]

Married 10 years, together 15, 2DC (primary age).

Things have been a bit up and down over the years, but happy on the whole. We've got a nice house, decent jobs and standard of living, no financial worries, the DC are happy and confident. On the surface things should be great, but we keep arguing.

H is sometimes described by others as grumpy, and he has become increasingly negative over time. It's like he thinks everyone and everything is against him whenever things don't go his way (whereas I think it might be rubbish sometimes but that is a normal part of life). Then he goes on a downward spiral of misery and becomes rude and snappy, picking on little things and blowing them up into huge rows.

He lost someone close to him recently, and it's made him think about his own mortality. This and the grief seems to have pushed him over the edge, and he's been explosive.

He's decided that he needs to change something and that should be to leave me, because I "don't meet his needs any more". This is largely because I don't meet his expectations sexually... not that it doesn't happen or isn't enjoyable when it does, but that I don't "dress up" for him enough, and I don't come up with new things to try in the bedroom.

I am 99% certain he is depressed, but he won't consider getting any help for it. He's said things like he's not sure it's worth being alive because nobody cares and everything is a struggle. Even if he leaves me I can't just stop caring and he is the father of my children. I don't know what to do.

Has anyone been through something like this and can give advice? Sometimes I feel like I should just let him go and maintain minimal contact because I'm struggling to keep things relatively normal for the sake of the kids and to focus at work, but I'm so worried about him and I'd like to work things out really, I just don't know if it's possible. 😞

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. From what you are describing I do not see, however, why you would want to stay with this man, he seems awful, and I also do not think you have a choice. If he wants to leave, he will, you cannot do anything about it.

I suppose it's because he hasn't always been like this, we have some good times, and I think he's depressed and needs help.

Sometimes I think maybe I am being unfair expecting him to go through life with me, without really being satisfied.

If know I can't stop him leaving, and if he does then I certainly won't grovel for him to come back, that'll be it. I'm just really concerned for him, partly for the sake of our DCs.

This is exactly how my DH was behaving last year at the peak of his depression. It was the hardest point of our entire relationship. Thankfully he had counselling and also we had joint counselling, he's on medication and has changed his diet and exercise habits and the worst symptoms of the depression have faded and DH is back. I was seriously considering my options for divorce last year and now I'm so glad he is recovering snd has been open to getting better and so glad we didn't split he's my best friend! I'm so sorry you're going through this as with kids I found it so hard having the capacity to help him as well as keep the house going.

@apric0t It is really hard trying to cope with all this and keep everyday things going! That's great that your DH got help and things worked out.

H won't admit that he's depressed, and says counselling is pointless (which tbf it probably would be as he won't engage with it properly).

I think maybe if he changes his mind and says he wants to stay then I'll have to say only if he agrees to get some kind of help.

It's so hard for men to turn for help isn't it. I feel like your DH is still there just buried under his symptoms. Your life sounds like such a lot to leave maybe ask him to have joint counselling before he goes for good? It was one of the biggest helps for us and really helped us both to be heard

Yes I think it's really hard for them to ask for help. It shouldn't be though, there's no shame in it.

We did have a short course of couples therapy a few months ago, and communication between us improved for a while, but now he's said that it was basically pointless, so he was just going through the motions and not really engaging 😞. Also he didn't even bring up our sex life in therapy even though that is apparently what's bothering him the most between us.

Ok. I get you're worried and he's depressed etc. what does your life look like? Who does what? How do you interact? There's a lot of nuance in relationships that can be easily missed when trying to précis a life in a thread.

He could be an abusive arsehole or he could be depressed an on the brink of a life changing moment.

You say things have been up and down, and that others describe him as grumpy? He won't admit he's depressed but you've also been to counselling?

It sounds like you compensate a lot?

I don't think anyone here can truly offer you anything useful and honestly I think your best bet is solo counselling to work out how YOU actually feel, because everything seems to be about how you react to him, rather than you talking as an autonomous human being?

Hes going to leave because you don’t dress up for him, or come up with exciting sexual things for him? I’d rule out an affair before you decide he’s depressed.

If a grown adult won't admit there's a problem, get help, engage with that help and talk about the issues, why should you wait around waiting for a miracle? Your role in the marriage is not to be a rehab facility for his emotional immaturity. Honestly, there is a happier life out there for you.

Thanks, there are some interesting points there. Sometimes I think he is abusive (emotionally - he hasn't physically hurt me although he has thrown / broken things on occasion) but it's at the point where I can't tell if I'm also in the wrong. He says I criticise him too much and I've tried not to do that.

Definitely not an affair, I trust him in that respect and there's nothing to indicate that, i can't see when he'd have had the time for one even. The sex stuff is something that's come up from time to time over the years because our libidos are mismatched. At this point I think he's fixating on that because he wants to put the blame somewhere and I'm right here for him to moan at.

I can understand him being down after a bereavement and I've tried to support him through that but there's only so much I can take.

The sexual demands suggests to me he’s more likely to shack up with a much younger woman, than he is to do anything stupid.

However, his clear denial that he’s not well means you may have to witness some things that are going to be a hard watch for you while he tries to fix things.

And you and your children will bear the brunt of it all. But as you can’t force him to see a doctor, sadly, and you can’t force him to stay, I’m not really sure what to suggest.

Describing you as ‘not meeting his needs anymore’ is fairly vile.

I'd ask him how he thinks leaving you will improve his life ? It won't . He will lose all his security and support at the time he needs it most.

Yes this is a good point, that is quite vile and I'd never say that to him. It's useful to have an outside perspective, thank you.

He's wavering between staying and leaving now, and I've told him to make his mind up. I don't want him to stay now unless he apologises for his behaviour and agrees to get some help, even if that is going back to couples therapy together.

I think I've come to the realisation that if he refuses help then it's on him and not me, and I need to detach from the situation for my own sake and the kids.

Things will be harder financially if he leaves, but my salary is good enough to scrape by and I suppose he'd have to keep paying towards the mortgage anyway. At least we wouldn't all be miserable here together.

I've asked him this before, he says something like "it will be better for you because I won't be here making demands of you", or "I could move on with my life and make the most of it before I'm too old".

To which I said leave and find some other woman who will put up with all your crap and have lots of sex then, good luck (funnily enough he hasn't done that).

The way he has put this sounds hurtful, but I think you are wise to be questioning his state of mind. Losing his friend has probably made him question what he really wants out of life, and perhaps sex is just so core to his relationship values that he doesn't see you two making each other happy. It is not wrong to have different needs of course, but tough on you both. May be worth looking at this article to see if it resonates or perhaps echoes his feelings :
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/01/12/when-women-consider-physical-touch-to-be-a-less-real-or-important-love-language/

I'd insist on couples counselling but say you'll find one who will definitely discuss sex - because how on earth can you help the overall relationship while not covering something which is vitally important to at least one of you? Don't go to a counsellor who isn't keen to work on this - it would minimise your husband's feelings at best. Often couples go to counselling to help them separate amicably. My partner and his ex did this, and I think it really helped them both gain clarity.

Good luck OP. You sound like a woman who is prepared to fight for her family but accepting if it's not to be.

@DivorcedAndDelighted Thank you. I think I've seen that article before and it is something that resonates. I've fully admitted many times that I could make more effort in that respect and I have tried, but it's really difficult when faced with general moping when it doesn't happen because I'm not feeling great, tired etc. and what I've done isn't enough (for example, I put on some nice lingerie but it's not quite what he wanted because I wore holdups instead of stockings, or he thinks I haven't "sustained the effort" because it's been a 3 days since it last happened, regardless of anything else going on). The pressure to meet his demands is really off-putting and I've told him that, but he says it's my fault because I haven't put in enough effort over the years.

I assume the counsellor we used would've discussed sex if we needed to, but it was never brought up. H says he was waiting to see if I'd "put in more effort" if I was generally happier with better communication and no arguments 😔

Can you ask your doctor for advice, explaining your concerns ? They might have a suggestion as to how to get your husband to discuss his feelings with his GP

I suppose I could try this. I also have a support service thing available through work which might help, if not with a way to get him to see sense then at least for me to rationalise things myself I suppose.

I think he would get very angry if I spoke to the GP about it and he found out.

I don't like the way your husband describes his desires and (stereotypical and possibly misogynistic even) fantasies as "needs". They aren't, they are wishes. He needs to sort that distinction out in his head.

You are already showing him physical / sexual attention and affection as per the link above. But what is the point for him in making you dress a certain, is suspenders aren't something that turn you on as well? It's not very mutual is it? He seems to me to have a fairly basic misunderstanding of sexual love.

Sorry, that should have read "what is the point for him in making you dress a certain way, if suspenders aren't something that turn you on as well"

I'm not particularly body confident, but I do like his reaction to things. I wouldn't say that I particularly like any lingerie for myself but I'm not against wearing it sometimes and it can lead to a good time!

He has a very black and white view of things - if I can make the effort to get dressed generally then putting on lingerie is even less effort so why wouldn't I do that for hi, on a regular basis and unprompted.

Also if I have time to watch TV on a regular basis then I have time to plan "dressing up" for him.

What does he do for you, if you have to do this for him?

Good point. We used to have fun, he was considerate and supportive... lately his mood puts a downer on everything.

He's a good dad (except when he argues in front of the DC) and things work well between us financially, but that's not enough to sustain our relationship. Something has to change.

I do think he is wanting a way out and making you the person to force his hand. So he then can also blame you for the split as well as lack of sex (on his terms) etc.

He seems very manipulating in his treatment of you. Depressed or not it seems you are bearing the brunt of his moods and behaviour.

Threatening to leave and then not is a classic way of control. You are always on the back foot waiting for his next move or outburst.

He seems to say that if YOU sort the sex life then he would be ok not be depressed etc. Depression does not work like that.

My ex had mental health issues before we met so I thought I knew what I wad getting myself into. Eyes open fully. But even so it dragged me to such a low point. No control over my own thoughts or wants and needs. Was always thinking of him and how not to upset or how to placate situations.

This is not a life. For you or even him. Yes grief may have played a part but it sounds deeper than that.

Please for once think of your own future. What would make you happy? Would it be not having the whole sex pressure? Would it be making your own schedule in a day without having to consider him?

I found as much as I did love my ex and we were to a degree best friends he was not good for me or the relationship. I could not picture myself for another 15yrs doing the same things and not thinking about myself.

It's not always easy and I do miss his company but I feel so much lighter without all the baggage. Sorry its a long read. But I do think its relevant.

Sounds like he’s in a downward spiral. Question is are you and the DC going down with him?